Ex Girlfriend problems

[BillN]

My Girlfriend of 4 long years and I broke up about 2 months ago. We lived together for about 2 of those 4yrs, and that was probably the biggest mistake we had ever made in our relationship. Before her and I lived together, everything was so perfect, i miss those days. Anyways

It has been 2 long months now, and I am still missing her/loving her more than ever. The breakup was sort of rough and quick. We were both very insecure people with each other (IE: She didn't want me to talk to members of the opposite sex, and I was sort of the same way with her.) We broke up on a very quick note. I had just purchased a motorcycle, and gave a ride on it to a friend (female) that was really no big deal at all. 10 minute ride tops. My girlfriend, who had no clue about this heard through the grapevine that it happend, and she immediately moved out of our apartment and in with a friend of hers, and her family...

I do not claim to be the worlds perfect boyfriend by any means. The breakup is/was needed for us both. We were both around each other WAY to much, and had no space to breath, which was really my fault mostly.

Her and I just started conversating after a month of the breakup and I know she still wants space. I asked her to tell me how she felt about me and she sent me an email saying that she did still love and care for me, but she wasn't going to let those feelings stand before her fears, like she thinks im going to hurt her again somehow.

Two weekends ago her and I took a weekend trip together to the Iowa State Fair, and had such a wonderful time together.. Laughing, joking around etc.. etc.. It was probably the best weekend I had in the duration of our being broken up.

The ex 'i think' really fears what the people of our town will say about us being even friends or being seen together. She refuses to hang out with me in our town. The people she lives with absoltely hate me, her best friend whom she also lives with hates me with a fire of 1000 suns, even though i never did anything to her directly.

I have thought about a ton of things since we've been broken up, and I know what i could have done to make things better between her and I. I've realized a bunch of stuff, and it all leads back to me constantly wanting to be with her. I love this girl with all my heart and soul, but I guess she seems to have a different outlook on things.

Its really hard for me to accept that she can just throw 4yrs away and in 2 months not speak to me etc.. etc.. She says she loves me/cares for me, but refuses to show that and any sort of these feelings to me at all.

I truely believe that if her and I didn't live in this small town, that things would progress so much quicker. We both attend the same small community college here in town, and it seems like everytime I see her I just want to cry. This breakup and all of my thoughts are really starting to effect my life and most importantly my mind.

What can I do to A. make her atleast try and see me for the man I want to be with her. B. Do this but at the same time give her sapce. C. Reassure her that other peoples opinions do not matter, and she shouldn't put those opinions before her heart and feelings.

I feel like im trying to hard here, just last night she PROMISED me she would give me a buzz today so we could just talk, did she? No. My friends think that she is trying to get back at me for some of the lies I told her during our relationship, and trust me I told quite a few. Lieing is another thing that I have realized got me nowhere with her, and i have promised her now no more lies, which i don't think she believes.

Any comments/help would be appreciated. I really do not want to handle any flames so keeping those down would be much appreciated.

Thanks in advance

 

[stormwriter]

Holy crappee. I'm only on the first paragraph, and had to start typing...

Dude, you are twenty, and you've been with the same chick for FOUR FRICKIN YEARS? Oh dude, that is not good. You will absolutley regret this when you get older. You are wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too young to be so exclusive with one chick, at the BEST YEARS OF YOUR LIFE. THE BEST YEARS FOR FINDING, MEETING, AND BANGING YOUNG, TIGHT, HOTTIES.

Dude, i don't even want to read the rest of your post, cause i don't want to hear you talk about how much you miss her.

.....................

Yeah, i just skimmed through the rest, and it's what i thought it would be. Sorry if my post comes off like a flame, but i speak from experience. I was with the same woman from the day i turned 18 until i was 26. THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE, married to a chick that was boring, lazy, and chunky. God, now i regret missing the best years of my life. I'm 29 now.

I'm a relationship-type guy, but c'mon, you HAVE to experience other things and women in your life, or you will regret it.

Let's see what other people have to say about your post.

 

[BillN]

Originally posted by stormwriter
Holy crappee. I'm only on the first paragraph, and had to start typing...

Dude, you are twenty, and you've been with the same chick for FOUR FRICKIN YEARS? Oh dude, that is not good. You will absolutley regret this when you get older. You are wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too young to be so exclusive with one chick, at the BEST YEARS OF YOUR LIFE. THE BEST YEARS FOR FINDING, MEETING, AND BANGING YOUNG, TIGHT, HOTTIES.

Dude, i don't even want to read the rest of your post, cause i don't want to hear you talk about how much you miss her.

.....................

Yeah, i just skimmed through the rest, and it's what i thought it would be. Sorry if my post comes off like a flame, but i speak from experience. I was with the same woman from the day i turned 18 until i was 26. THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE, married to a chick that was boring, lazy, and chunky. God, now i regret missing the best years of my life. I'm 29 now.

I'm a relationship-type guy, but c'mon, you HAVE to experience other things and women in your life, or you will regret it.

Let's see what other people have to say about your post.

Its not that I don't believe in getting with someone else man. And I don't care about all of that 'best years of your life' BS. The best times i have had thus far were with her, and I can't see past being with her just because you had a g/f-wife who sat around got chunky whatever etc.. The point is, the love is there, on my side atleast. Im sorry you had a bad experience, but I know what im doing.

BillN

 

[mystik]

okay, reality check Bill.

THe chick dumped you. You guys broke up. Get it? You are no longer her boyfriend? You two aren't together anymore? Good now we have that clear.

MOVE ON! Go out and find new chicks! Make new friends! Date someone else! You are not going to get her to come back with you by being pathetic and needy. You cant lure her back into a relationship by being submissive and backboneless.

SHe promised to call you and didn't. She's all talk about loving you and shows you nothing but cold shoulders. She's flaky and NOT YOUR PROBLEM ANYMORE.

The best time you've had was with her? Great, I'm guessing she's your first girlfriend. You do NOT know that other girls are not as wonderful. Give the world a chance, she's one of the millions of girls out there. Have some confidence, she's not the only girl you can get.

Love is the illusion that one girl differs from another.

Be strong my fellow DJ

 

[stormwriter]

Back again...

"I love this girl with all my heart and soul, but I guess she seems to have a different outlook on things. "

And DUDE, you CAN'T change her outlook on things. I love Pam Anderson with all my heart and soul, but does that make us compatible in a relationship? No.

You can't change how she feels about you.

>>I know she still wants space.

THEN DISAPPEAR! Totally leave her alone. If your goal is to get this chick back, (and for the record, i dont' agree with that) then you won't believe how effective DISAPPEARING will have towards achieving your goal. I've disappeared and given a girl space, and they couldn't handle it. They were back, crying, a few days later. I proposed a two week NO TALK period with a chick after we broke up, and she couldn't handle not talking to me for a few days, and caved in, and we started talking about getting back together. Then she stole $50,000 dollars from me, i sued her, and then i declared bankruptcy, so look how that turned out? haha.

Don't you think if you two were such a good, compatible couple, that you would be together right now, enjoying your wonderful relationship? No, you are broken up, and she wants space.

"The breakup is/was needed for us both. "

Then REMEMBER THAT. Just keep remembering you both needed this breakup, and stop trying to FORCE the relationship to start again. It's probably run its course.

"I do not claim to be the worlds perfect boyfriend by any means. "

Then she probably wasn't the right person for you, cause you didn't respect her, you lied to her, etc. If this was your dream girl, you would treat her right, and you wouldn't be broken up now, would you?

"What can I do to A. make her atleast try and see me for the man I want to be with her. B. Do this but at the same time give her sapce. C. Reassure her that other peoples opinions do not matter, and she shouldn't put those opinions before her heart and feelings."

Try these:
- Hypnotize her
- Get on your unicorn, and serenade her outside her window
- Sprinkle pixy dust on her
- Buy 100 dozen roses for her.

Dude, cmon, you can't make her see anything she doesn't want to.

Once you get older and experience more relationships, you will understand this. You need to experience relating to different types of women: lazy women, smart women, beautiful women, selfish women, funny women, single moms, *****es, chunky women, cuddly women, smokers, etc. You need do discover your boundaries in a relationship, and what core values women possess that you are willing to accept or not accept.

"I feel like im trying to hard here,"

No kidding, and what you will discover, IF YOU TRY IT, is that the LESS EFFORT you put into this, the BETTER IT WILL WORK. Its the strangest, most counter-intuitive thing ever. BUT YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE PATIENCE TO SEE IT THROUGH! Don't call, don't email - DISAPPEAR. Give her the space she wants to think, WITHOUT GETTING YOUR FACE IN HER GRILL AND LOWERING HER INTEREST LEVEL.

You've tried grovelling and trying to persuade her that you love her, etc, and that didn't work. So try this now.

But in summary, i'm strongly against this relationship continuing...

 

[NewMan]

there is no subsitiute for exeprience.

Don't call her - ler her have her space.

Use the time to improve you4rself - read the DJ bible.

One thing that will guarantee not to get her back - if you keep pestering her - bothering her and calling her.

Let her go - if its meant to be she will be back.

Just remember - when you get back with an ex - ITS NEVER THE SAME......

There's just something - a piece thats missing.

 

[Howie Farkes]

Originally posted by BillN
Its really hard for me to accept that she can just throw 4yrs away and in 2 months not speak to me etc.. etc..

This is bad thinking... you're looking at relationships like it's an investment. Relationships do not increase in value with time - they're only as valuable as the quality of the relationship right now. Which in this case is pretty low value. Give it away 'cause it aint worth nuthin'.

 

[Ronin I]

Originally posted by BillN
Its not that I don't believe in getting with someone else man. And I don't care about all of that 'best years of your life' BS. The best times i have had thus far were with her, and I can't see past being with her just because you had a g/f-wife who sat around got chunky whatever etc.. The point is, the love is there, on my side atleast. Im sorry you had a bad experience, but I know what im doing.

BillN

Dude - first off I know you are hurting right now - many of us on this board have been there and know how much it sucks.

Secondly, no offense you are 20 years old and really don't know what you are doing. I speak from experience - I am a smart guy and I didn't know what the hell I was doing when I was 20 either -

besides that right now your mind is all over the place and it is VERY difficult (if not impossible) to put things in the proper perspective.

My advice is simple:
- read the Bible (over and over)
- try to objectively listen to the advice that is given to you from guys that have been where you are standing
- be glad that you have found this site when you did

 

[BillN]

No,

You sir are incorrect. I do infact know that the feelings I have are very true. I am a smart guy as well. I just didn't know how to properly go about making use of my situation, but now I do.

20 or not, I do know what im doing. Im sorry you didn't at this age.

BilLN

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Originally posted by BillN
No,

You sir are incorrect. I do infact know that the feelings I have are very true. I am a smart guy as well. I just didn't know how to properly go about making use of my situation, but now I do.

20 or not, I do know what im doing. Im sorry you didn't at this age.

BilLN

lol

No offense Bill, but that sounds like a teenager saying "Who do my parents think they are? What do they know about anything? I know what's best for me!"

Don't get offended by people on here, there's some guys with a lot of experience and this is an all to common occurance:

- new guy comes onto this forum
- new guy asks for advice
- new guy doesn't like the advice, says as much
- old hats say "but it works, it doesn't matter whether you like it"
- new guy says "whatever, I'll do what I want"
- new guy messes up because he ignored advice
- new guy comes back weeks later, apologises and eventually becomes one of the old guys
- ex-new guy tells new-new guy who asked question "but it works, it doesn't matter whether you like it"

and the circle is complete.

Don't ignore what you don't like.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by BillN
No,

You sir are incorrect. I do infact know that the feelings I have are very true. I am a smart guy as well. I just didn't know how to properly go about making use of my situation, but now I do.

20 or not, I do know what im doing. Im sorry you didn't at this age.

BilLN

Whether or not you choose to pursue the relationship, you should take some time and learn what didn't work. Your post mentioned many things that will cripple any subsequent relationships you may have.

Realize that the things that the two of you argued about were probably just the symptoms of what was the underlying problem. For example you mentioned that neither of you felt comfortable knowing the other was engaging people of the opposite sex. You also correctly noted that this could be caused by your individual insecurities.

Focus on similar things that you can work on withing yourself. Putting a concerted effort on defining yourself as an individual will help create the foundation on which to build your personal security. You have a long road ahead of you, be sure not to waste any of it not recognizing the road you are traveling.

 

[( . )( . )]

look mate, you've been given solid advice, stop fishing for the AFC answer.

 

[Cremasta]

Bill, don't listen to all these other people, they know fcuk all about women.

This is what you have to do to win your girl back:

1. Call her right now, not in five minutes, not tomorrow, but right now and tell her how much you love her and can't live without her. She will know exactly where you stand.
2. If you don't get her on the phone, leave a message and then keep calling back every hour on the hour until you get her, this shows you don't want to give her up without a fight.
3. Leave her notes on her car, simple things like "I hope you are having a good day", or "missing you"... make sure you draw little lovehearts on the notes. This lets her know that you are thinking of her.
4. Send her a bunch of flowers, the more expensive the flowers, the more you obviously love her.
5. Get rid of the motorbike, because this is obviously the cause of all your dramas. Make sure you call her and tell her it is gone and that you did it for her. She will know that she is the most important thing in the world to you.
6. Never, ever talk to or touch another woman again. Immediately family are the only exception.
7. For god's sake hurry up and ask her to marry you, what girl waits until she is 20 to get married?

This is sure fire 100% guaranteed, we can prove these other idiots wrong.

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Originally posted by Cremasta
Bill, don't listen to all these other people, they know fcuk all about women.

This is what you have to do to win your girl back:

1. Call her right now, not in five minutes, not tomorrow, but right now and tell her how much you love her and can't live without her. She will know exactly where you stand.
2. If you don't get her on the phone, leave a message and then keep calling back every hour on the hour until you get her, this shows you don't want to give her up without a fight.
3. Leave her notes on her car, simple things like "I hope you are having a good day", or "missing you"... make sure you draw little lovehearts on the notes. This lets her know that you are thinking of her.
4. Send her a bunch of flowers, the more expensive the flowers, the more you obviously love her.
5. Get rid of the motorbike, because this is obviously the cause of all your dramas. Make sure you call her and tell her it is gone and that you did it for her. She will know that she is the most important thing in the world to you.
6. Never, ever talk to or touch another woman again. Immediately family are the only exception.
7. For god's sake hurry up and ask her to marry you, what girl waits until she is 20 to get married?

This is sure fire 100% guaranteed, we can prove these other idiots wrong.

This advice is golden - I can't believe we were all so wrong - apologies.

Cremasta - you're right on the money there.

 

[princelydeeds]

You my friend, are waiting for someone to give you a magic cure all for your situation. The peopel on this board speak from experience and spite. The hard truth, that you don't want to hear, is that your relationship is over. Nothing you can do will change the way she feels. The more you try to do the less she will care.

In the movies, the couple breaks up, the guy sends flowers and candy and she ignores him then he shows up in the rain and says " I m sorry I just want you to know how much I love you, you were right I was wrong." Then they cry together and live happily ever after. Well, this is real life, show up at her door in the rain and she will probably file a restraining order. If she left because you took some other chick for a ride, then you guys had even bigger problems. If she left without even talking to you about it then she is either a crazy, hopelessly selfish chick who you shouldn't want anyway or she was just looking for any excuse to walk away from you. Either way it goes your only hope is to move on, there is no cure your relationship is over.

 

[tomyv]

first poster is right!

Don't do this LTR thing that young. I"m speaking from experience. I was in a LTR from the age of 19-26, MAN If I could get those years back I would do anything! Luckily I'm still getting the hotties but I still wasted a lot of the best years.

 

[Bungo Pony]

BillN, I read your post and I completely identify with it.

When I was 19, I met a great girl, and we ended up moving in together and getting engaged. We were together for 4 years. Then just one day, she told me she needs to do things for herself. I was devastated. She called a cab and went to her friend's place whom she ended up moving in with. I was left with an apartment I couldn't afford, bills I couldn't pay, and a broken heart on top of it all. I did some crazy AFC 5hit after she left. I took my last $4, bought her a rose, left it by the window of her friend's apartment, knocked on the window, then fvcked off.

We conversed on the phone occasionally for the next month or so. She told me that she still loves me, and maybe we would get back together some time in the future, but she needs to do things herself.

Here's what happened since then. I found this site, became a DJ, started attracting girls to me, and now I'm getting married to a great woman. I never got back with the bytch I lived with.

Look man, she agreed to move in with you. That was a commitment in itself. When a woman moves in with you, she's commiting herself to you by becoming part of your life. She screwed you. If she truly loved you, she wouldn't have done this to you. She doesn't deserve your attention. She doesn't even WANT your attention. Why waste your energy. Cut her out of your life and put your energy toward rebuilding your life. It's going to take some time to get over this one, but you'll heal faster if you cut her out of your life NOW. These have been the best years of your life SO FAR. You're only 20. You've got a lot more years ahead of you. Don't lose years over a broken heart, it's just not worth it. When you see her, ignore her. If she tries to talk to you, say "I'm in a hurry" and get the hell out of her sight. You need to do this to start healing.

It doesn't matter what she thinks of you now, she's out of your life. That was her choice. She's no longer relevant. Her thoughts won't interfere with your life since she got out of it.

 

[Wysiwyg]

No kidding, and what you will discover, IF YOU TRY IT, is that the LESS EFFORT you put into this, the BETTER IT WILL WORK. Its the strangest, most counter-intuitive thing ever. BUT YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE PATIENCE TO SEE IT THROUGH! Don't call, don't email - DISAPPEAR. Give her the space she wants to think, WITHOUT GETTING YOUR FACE IN HER GRILL AND LOWERING HER INTEREST LEVEL.

I had a similar situation - Lost a 3y relationship with a girl i loved because "she needed space". I went trought the crying-calling-visiting-begging routine and it didn't worked. A girl friend of mine said: disappear and improve yourself. That's what i did. Man, you can't believe how things can get a lot better until you do it. It's HARD, i know, you keep thinking about the girl almost every single day. But after a week of no contact, she is more distant in your mind. You miss her, but you're not dying for her anymore. You see you can live alone and, if you had the mood to, get a girl. But don't think only about the girls, think about yourself - you want to be better, bigger, stronger. And - here's the beauty - she will miss you. She'll wonder why you're not stalking her anymore, why you're not feeling so bad for not being with her, why aren't you crying and begging and being humilliated by her.

Man, there's only one person in this world that you can trust: YOU. You had a wonderful time with this girl and miss it a lot, but what about her? She had a wonderful time with you then walked away. Don't stay with the feeling that she owe something, cause she don't!

Back to what happened to me. I was working in the lab when my ex showed up. I had in my mind: "better, bigger, stronger". We started to talk and she noticed that i wasn't making any moves on her. No kissing, no grabbing, nothing. We started to talk about us and i said : "i want you badly, that's why i can't be your friend. I'm tired of suffering for you so, if you don't want me back, i don't see why to hang around together anymore.". She asked me to go to her place, i said no, forget it, it's not good for me.

She freaked out. She now got the feeling that she was losing me. So she asked me to get together.

Man, it's your life. No one can dictate what you do. But people can help you a lot. Sosuave helped me a lot, and i can't belive how could i do some things in the past. You can take this world down if you want to. Just get the right mindset.

It's up to you. Good luck.

 

[kenman]

Interesting subject....i have known bill for a long time and let me tell you this mofo is hard headed...anything you have told him i have done did ran it by him but he just ignorant and decides not to listen to me!

HAHA billy

kenman

 

[backbreaker]

Everyone here has been what you are going though, to some extent, or else we wouldn't be here.

Truth hurts.


Honestly, out of respect for you, you have been together for 4 years, she is being nice and giving you hope. Trust me and the rest of the board when we say move on, for better or for worse.

Even if you did get together, do you think things will be the same? Guess again.

Life is one big learning experience, learn from this mistake and make sure you don't do it again, in this case, it's good to be in love, but have your own life, and not just one that revolves around a woman.

Sooner or later, if you don't make the same mistakes twice, you run out of mistakes to make