Ex-GF shows signs then cuts contact. Long

[keykey]

Cliffs at bottom.

Background Information:

Dated this girl for 3 years. I was her first sexual partner and she was madly in love with me. I loved her as well but I didn't treat her the best. I'd dump her for a week so I could have sex with other girls and not feel guilty about it (I don't think she knows much of what I did during our breakups), was aloof around her, etc. Basically I was a bad person and she stuck by me.

Roughly 3-4 months ago I dumped her because she was mad about something that I wasn't aware of and she wouldn't talk to me. Eventually she emailed me what she was mad about since I'd often change the subject/cut her off/etc. if she tried to tell me face to face.

_____________
Recent timeline

About a month or so after the breakup she sent me a text here and there saying things like, "this shirt i'm wearing smells like you ". I'd drunk text her back sometimes but she'd never reply.

A couple months later she drunk called me from a concert. I didn't answer but I eventually got an email from her saying that she drunk called me at the show but didn't remember doing it and that she saw a band we liked. We shot a few emails back and forth. Talking to her again reignited my interest in her.

I sort of been on a path of self-discovery lately. I'm trying to improve myself and not be such a disconnected *******. I sent a half-hearted apology to her for treating her bad and that I miss her and talking to her. She replied saying she was surprised I said those things and that she still misses me.

I'm currently living in the city where she's going to school so I figured I'd try calling her to see if she'd hang out. I sent her 6 roses, but she was out of town when they came so I'm not sure if she ever got them. I'd text her things about good memories we had so she'd think good things about me. She recommended a favorite restaurant of ours but she'd have to think about it.

Then 2 weeks ago I sent her a ****y text, asking if I should pick her up at 6 or 7 for dinner tomorrow, after asking what she was doing for the weekend. She didn't reply until the next day.

We texted back and fourth throughout the course of the evening and it basically went like this.

Her: I don't know what you want from me.
Me: To see you, I have no expectations I just want to see you again. I've grown up a lot and want to treat you better.
Her: It'll make me sad, why do you want to see me if you expect nothing.
Me: I miss talking to you and want see you.
Her: I can't. We're still the same people how can you be different? It's going to just be the same and I won't be treated like that again. My heart and everything is broken. It felt like I spent 3 years trying to convince you to love me.
Me: I feel like dirt for how I acted. I should of said these things earlier but I wasn't mature enough to say them and I probably couldn't of meant them back then. I realize what a great girl you were and it hurts that I waited this long.
Her: Well I'm sorry you realized it too late but I just can't be treated like that anymore. Seeing you will set me back 10 steps and I just want to move forward.

At the end of the text fest I told her I'd like to be friends if anything. She told me she has too many feelings for me to just be friends. I said I'd like to keep talking regardless.

Couple days later I shot her a text asking how her days going. She didn't reply. I reread the email she sent me a day before I dumped her about what she was upset about. It really broke me down to see how much of an ******* I was. I typed up a pretty heartfelt sincere apology and sent it to her

She never replied to that. Finally I texted her and asked if she got me email. Again no reply.

______________________
Cliffs:
Wasn't the best boyfriend.
Her friends and most of her family dislikes me.
Dumped her after 3 years of dating.
She got in touch with me and resparked my interest.
I may of pushed for meeting up too quickly.
She tells me she can't meet up with me because she's afraid I'm the same person and will treat her the same and she can't deal with that.
She randomly cuts off contact.

______________________

I'm pretty sure her friends are convincing her to not talk to me. I don't think she'd make herself vunerable by telling me she still has feelings, misses me, etc. if she didn't. That or she knows I feel bad and she thinks perhaps not talking to me will drive me crazy as a bit of revenge.

I'm pretty sure my best option at this point is not contact her and let her contact me. I've apologized and let her know that I do feel really bad about how I acted so I think I did all I can.

 

[Jeffst1980]

Even if you were to get back into a relationship with her, it would inevitably fall just based on your past history. It would impossible for her to trust you again--you are much better off finding a new one and starting with a clean slate.

But, as for the question at hand, you're actually not in bad shape because her interest is still high. If you got her alone, she would probably go against her better judgment and give you another chance. Really, you just have to continue contacting her in a non-needy manner and convince her just to meet with you to talk. Don't say you want to get back together, because this will freak her out. Then, do all the same things that attracted her to you in the first place; be funny and charming, and apologize and mean it.

It may take awhile and won't work if she decides to go no contact or meets someone else, but it is a lot easier than getting out of friendzone.

 

[Ease]

Stop apologising fool, it is harming your cause.

Her interest is not high. All the wishy washy love letters and roses destroyed it.

 

[Chromeo]

Im not even gonna read the post. She most likely cut contact because she found somebody that replaces her need to contact you in any form.

The more you fvcked up, the longer you have to leave it alone to have any kinda of chance, your dragging it on long enough to where she is gonna lose respect and then think your nuts, and at the same time you will be driving yourself crazy.

takes a long time for someone to forget losing respect for you and seeing you in a new light, and takes a long time for you to become sane again.

for the simple fact that your OP is "long" you need to pull out and lay low for a long time. See what else is out there, have some fun and stop losing hair and sleep over a girl. Do you really want to end up hating her? because it will happen unless you leave it alone.

you have to swallow a lot of pride to leave things a lone but I garauntee you feel much better once you can do that without feeling like a chump.

 

[3countriesPlan]

Well you got all that off your chest. Being a don juan doesn't mean being ****y and funny 100% all the time and never showing girls your human side. That's a beginner error. The roses were a bit over but other than that you did well. She knows how you feel. Now go on with your life and forget about her. Don't simp out to her and she'll maybe come back. But, that shouldn't be what you are aiming for. Go for new girls while happy that you were able to grow as a person with this girl.

 

[WC2]

Im not even gonna read the post. She most likely cut contact because she found somebody that replaces her need to contact you in any form.

The more you fvcked up, the longer you have to leave it alone to have any kinda of chance, your dragging it on long enough to where she is gonna lose respect and then think your nuts, and at the same time you will be driving yourself crazy.

takes a long time for someone to forget losing respect for you and seeing you in a new light, and takes a long time for you to become sane again.

for the simple fact that your OP is "long" you need to pull out and lay low for a long time. See what else is out there, have some fun and stop losing hair and sleep over a girl. Do you really want to end up hating her? because it will happen unless you leave it alone.

you have to swallow a lot of pride to leave things a lone but I garauntee you feel much better once you can do that without feeling like a chump.

It's all too often that we out ourselves in denial. Whenever you have the discipline to write a long post about one female, it means you care a lot about her.

Unfortunately I don't think the feelings are mutual (at least anymore).

And the laws of reality are just not going to let you continue this relationship. I don't know why the hell you'd want to in the first place.

And roses brother? Roses?

 

[keykey]

Thanks for the advice guys.

The roses were a bit much, I agree. I don't believe they are not nearly as bad as they would be after a 4-month relationship though. Then that would be very chumpish. The longer you see someone the more this stuff can slide. To say sending flowers destroyed my chances is a bit over the top, like others have said you can be a bit human too.

Either way, you guys are right. I feel guilty about how I acted and that's mainly why I wanted to see her. Not so much that I need her in a relationship as it feels like I want to try to make things right.

The best way to of handled this situation would of been to just casually keep contact with her and not even mention meeting up. After she mentioned going out to dinner I should of just let it be and let her straighten the thoughts in her head out.

I start a new job on monday, been playing my guitar more, and I'm working on Spanish so I'm going to keep busy and worse comes to worse I learned how not to be a **** from this relationship. I said what I wanted to say and my conscious feels better because of that. I'm not going to contact her anymore and I'm going to have fun. I'm in a big city now and there's plenty of girls here.

 

[Scars]

You need to stop apologizing man. This is going against everything you were before, which was actually seeming to be working for you. There is most likely someone else in the picture. Her mind is probably being pounded by beta males and her girlfriends with "you can do so much better, you need someone to treat you right!', and right now she is actually believing it. Let her do her thing. It may take a few beta males to realize what she is missing, but she will come back to you eventually. Provided you stand your ground, and do no contact. Right now, she has the power. You gave it to her. You were practically begging for her back. You went from being a complete d!ck who didn't care, to an apologetic chump over night. You are being inconsistent. This will not get the girl. I understand the logic, you're trying to get a rise of emotions out of her. I go through this same sh!t with my (kinda) girlfriend at the moment. But very rarely do I apologize, even when I'm wrong. If I try to apologize and she is still sour with me and nothing gets resolved, we will usually go a 3 days without talking, until she feels so bad about everything that she starts kissing my ass again. Pretty much, whatever you were doing then, you need(ed) to keep doing. Unfortunately, you blew it for now. Woman will always secretly love the man who never truly commits to them. They may act like they hate it, but they love it. Let her do her thing. Stop trying to play the "win-her-back" game. Go no contact. If she contacts you again, then get her to meet up in person. It will be a lot more easier to sway her emotions this way, and remind her why she fell in love with you in the first place. Don't say it, or beg for it. Just SHOW it to her. Until then, she does her, and you do you. Start meeting other woman. Try not to wrap your head so tight around it. And if all else fails, if you are spinning plates correctly, it wont be long until you forget about her anyway, so it really won't matter whether she comes back or not.

-Scars

 

[jophil28]

KeyX2 -

Making amends is a mature and responsible action. It demonstrates that you are growing up and are developing some awareness about the impact of your past behavior on significant others.

HOWEVER, there are provisos.

Firstly your 'amends' have to be sincere - you have to genuinely feel remorse.

Secondly, your attempt to put things right should not cause further hurt or harm to her in the present.
The way to apologize for past bad behavior is to do it ONCE and leave it at that . Do not expect or request a reply (even though you will likely receive one).

Thirdly,making amends in a formal way is not to be used as a tactic to draw an ex back under your spell. It is not the first step in a contrived pursuit of her by you.

Lastly , if you do this by email, or old fashioned mail, do it, and then go to on with your life -it is self defeating to chase her and ask for her reaction. IF she wants to see you again she will make that known clearly.

In your case, I wager that she detected a "plan" in the way that you followed up. You spooked her by signalling your desire to get together again, and your desire overrode the bonefides of your apology. That is why she resisted your suggestion to meet again - she did not trust you, and neither did she feel the genuiness of your remorse..

Your apology per se did not wreck any chance you had with her (as some others have said). Your gushing and excessive pursuit tactics did that.