Victory Unlimited
Master Don Juan
Yo Francisco,
Correct me if i'm wrong, but is it "da NILE" or "DENIAL" that's the name of that river that runs through Egypt???? lol
Just kidding, Str8up. But seriously, dude:
I've been in a similar situation as the one you're in----stuck between a Friend with Benefits and a legitimate RELATIONSHIP, and it has occurred to me that we've ALL been sold a busted bag of goods by this culture that promotes FULL BLOWN Hedonism as the answer to all of life's problems.
Madison Avenue and Hollywood and the PORN Industry have told us for years that we can have it ALL, but I don't believe this is true ULTIMATELY. We know that by choosing ONE thing, it usually involves the SACRIFICE of another thing as a result. Yeah, I'm back to the time limit thing again...
For the sake of honesty, let's not call your chick in question a Fukk Buddy anymore, because the "rules" say that Fukk Buddy's are the equivalent of living sex toys, and we have already established that you two BOTH have feelings for each other.
And again, that's normal and natural because you are a human being who hasn't SOLD his whole soul to the Dark Side (you HAVEN'T, have you???). As long as you, or me, and ANYBODY else for that matter, chooses to continue to think we can CHEAT forever the emotional bonding aspect of SEXUAL encounters with the same woman, we are DELUDING ourselves.
Just to get all spiritual, metaphysical, and philosophical for a moment: The vibe we put out is usually what we get back.
Think about it, what you've been doing is trying to cherry pick PARTS of a relationship that you want to indulge in (see----SEX, COMPANIONSHIP, ENTERTAINMENT,etc.).
And you've also been trying to throw up barriers against the PARTS of a relationship that you DON'T want to indulge in(see----FIDELITY, COMMITTMENT, DEEP EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT, etc.).
Now, as has been said before----this can work for MINUTE. But when that minute is UP. Here is what you're usually left with: CONFUSION.Confusion caused by refusing to have an ENDGAME in mind with this particular woman.
Like it or not, in male/female relationships, at some point, SOMEBODY has to have an idea of what they are trying to accomplish by entering into it. And how THIS is different from OTHER life situations and decisions is that ALL relationships have a life of their own. And AS living things, relationships have a character, a voice, and an emotionality that impacts our lives in ways that material stuff NEVER could.
You see, every man, when he meets a woman and starts to get to know her, is at first AN EXPLORER. But there always comes a time when that Explorer must appraise that woman he’s come across, and then he has to decide what value she has. And based on his findings, he will then either assume the role of a Treasure Hunter who will excavate, cultivate, and collect his "Pearl of Great Price" in order to put her in a place of HONOR,-------OR, he will find her WANTING, then discard her, and then remain in Explorer Mode.
Now, if that man DOESN'T make a decision one way or the other, THEN a decision will usually be made FOR him (i.e.----the girl gets tired of waiting, picks a guy who is "good enough" for her to settle for, and then decides to move out of town.).
ALL THIS occurs because that man chose to be vague, undefined, and abstract with his ultimate intentions for the woman.
SIDE NOTE: Now this is an EXCELLENT strategy for ATTRACTING a chick in the first place, but this aspect of "being a challenge" HAS TO BE calibrated the longer you KNOW a woman----whether you call yourself in a relationship with her or not.
And I understand why we do this. It is usually to protect ourselves, the other person, and/or to keep our options open. But the Time Limit Factor FORCES shyt to come to a head sooner or later. We CAN'T have it all-----simply BECAUSE the whole concept of choice involves the element of sacrifice.
We can't dodge it forever. At the end of the day, in this Western Culture where monogamy is the standard operating procedure------by choosing ONE woman, we are deciding against OTHER women as a byproduct. And by choosing OTHER women, we are deciding against ONE woman as a byproduct of THAT choice.
And if we FELT that this were NOT true internally, then there would be NO emotional impact or mental anguish coming from just the very IDEA of having to make that choice.
As ALWAYS, life is about choices. Choosing NOT to choose is in itself "A CHOICE". The embracing of a lifestyle of “vagueness” only produces MORE vagueness---it is to be expected. It’s just like if an architect starts to build something without a plan, a blueprint, or a schematic-----should he REALLY be surprised that when (and IF) he ever finishes his work, that NOBODY (including HIM) seems to know WHAT it is?
Oh, and to answer THIS question:
And then to your followup comment:
Respectfully, I think you would be better off either ADMITTING to yourself you either WANT a relationship with SOMEONE (not necessarily THIS chick), or you DON'T. Because as you are finding out now that EITHER WAY...you'll ALWAYS wind up getting your hands at least a little dirty, digging and clawing through the EMOTIONAL debris of either choice you make, soldier...
Peace...one day.
Correct me if i'm wrong, but is it "da NILE" or "DENIAL" that's the name of that river that runs through Egypt???? lol
Just kidding, Str8up. But seriously, dude:
I've been in a similar situation as the one you're in----stuck between a Friend with Benefits and a legitimate RELATIONSHIP, and it has occurred to me that we've ALL been sold a busted bag of goods by this culture that promotes FULL BLOWN Hedonism as the answer to all of life's problems.
Madison Avenue and Hollywood and the PORN Industry have told us for years that we can have it ALL, but I don't believe this is true ULTIMATELY. We know that by choosing ONE thing, it usually involves the SACRIFICE of another thing as a result. Yeah, I'm back to the time limit thing again...
For the sake of honesty, let's not call your chick in question a Fukk Buddy anymore, because the "rules" say that Fukk Buddy's are the equivalent of living sex toys, and we have already established that you two BOTH have feelings for each other.
And again, that's normal and natural because you are a human being who hasn't SOLD his whole soul to the Dark Side (you HAVEN'T, have you???). As long as you, or me, and ANYBODY else for that matter, chooses to continue to think we can CHEAT forever the emotional bonding aspect of SEXUAL encounters with the same woman, we are DELUDING ourselves.
Just to get all spiritual, metaphysical, and philosophical for a moment: The vibe we put out is usually what we get back.
Think about it, what you've been doing is trying to cherry pick PARTS of a relationship that you want to indulge in (see----SEX, COMPANIONSHIP, ENTERTAINMENT,etc.).
And you've also been trying to throw up barriers against the PARTS of a relationship that you DON'T want to indulge in(see----FIDELITY, COMMITTMENT, DEEP EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT, etc.).
Now, as has been said before----this can work for MINUTE. But when that minute is UP. Here is what you're usually left with: CONFUSION.Confusion caused by refusing to have an ENDGAME in mind with this particular woman.
Like it or not, in male/female relationships, at some point, SOMEBODY has to have an idea of what they are trying to accomplish by entering into it. And how THIS is different from OTHER life situations and decisions is that ALL relationships have a life of their own. And AS living things, relationships have a character, a voice, and an emotionality that impacts our lives in ways that material stuff NEVER could.
You see, every man, when he meets a woman and starts to get to know her, is at first AN EXPLORER. But there always comes a time when that Explorer must appraise that woman he’s come across, and then he has to decide what value she has. And based on his findings, he will then either assume the role of a Treasure Hunter who will excavate, cultivate, and collect his "Pearl of Great Price" in order to put her in a place of HONOR,-------OR, he will find her WANTING, then discard her, and then remain in Explorer Mode.
Now, if that man DOESN'T make a decision one way or the other, THEN a decision will usually be made FOR him (i.e.----the girl gets tired of waiting, picks a guy who is "good enough" for her to settle for, and then decides to move out of town.).
ALL THIS occurs because that man chose to be vague, undefined, and abstract with his ultimate intentions for the woman.
SIDE NOTE: Now this is an EXCELLENT strategy for ATTRACTING a chick in the first place, but this aspect of "being a challenge" HAS TO BE calibrated the longer you KNOW a woman----whether you call yourself in a relationship with her or not.
And I understand why we do this. It is usually to protect ourselves, the other person, and/or to keep our options open. But the Time Limit Factor FORCES shyt to come to a head sooner or later. We CAN'T have it all-----simply BECAUSE the whole concept of choice involves the element of sacrifice.
We can't dodge it forever. At the end of the day, in this Western Culture where monogamy is the standard operating procedure------by choosing ONE woman, we are deciding against OTHER women as a byproduct. And by choosing OTHER women, we are deciding against ONE woman as a byproduct of THAT choice.
And if we FELT that this were NOT true internally, then there would be NO emotional impact or mental anguish coming from just the very IDEA of having to make that choice.
As ALWAYS, life is about choices. Choosing NOT to choose is in itself "A CHOICE". The embracing of a lifestyle of “vagueness” only produces MORE vagueness---it is to be expected. It’s just like if an architect starts to build something without a plan, a blueprint, or a schematic-----should he REALLY be surprised that when (and IF) he ever finishes his work, that NOBODY (including HIM) seems to know WHAT it is?
Oh, and to answer THIS question:
My answer is that I don't think you really CAN. India.Arie has a song called "I am NOT my hair". It's a song that communicates that we as human beings are MORE than just the sum of our parts. So my advice to you, ME, and everybody else on the Mature Man board would be to paraphrase that song title as "I am NOT my Dicck." You are the Commanding Officer of your OWN loins, soldier. YOU tell your Dicck what to do----NOT the other way around!!! lol
And then to your followup comment:
To me this speaks to the DOUBLE-MINDEDNESS of your viewpoint. And I understand it, because I struggle with it too from time to time. But you already KNOW that casual flings always have the built in danger of becoming what you're INVOLVED in now---so careful where you tread. There's only SO MUCH control you have over someone else's expectations.
Respectfully, I think you would be better off either ADMITTING to yourself you either WANT a relationship with SOMEONE (not necessarily THIS chick), or you DON'T. Because as you are finding out now that EITHER WAY...you'll ALWAYS wind up getting your hands at least a little dirty, digging and clawing through the EMOTIONAL debris of either choice you make, soldier...
Peace...one day.
Last edited: