Ex coming back?

[WalkingStick]

So this girl and I broke up a little over a month ago. Things had gone downhill because I started being a little AFC chump.

Since then, I have not initiated contact, although I've been friendly toward her and teased her enough to let her know that I wasnt devastated by the breakup.

She's been hanging around me more and more, and this week, she tells me that she "wants me" and she starts flirting with me. (piggy back rides, back rubs, sexual jokes, giving me eyes). And I go along with it.

Then it gets complicated. Other people see this and spread rumors that she is a slut because she's supposedly been leading on this other guy. I KNOW she does not like this guy and he is just her chumpy friend. I'm not worried about it.

Being branded as a slut, she suddenly backs off. I go straight to her and ask her what the **** is going on, and tell her that I can't do this back and forth hot and cold thing . She tells me she loves me as a person and wants me in her life forever AND is attracted to me, but that we need to keep the attraction to ourselves for now. She said she wanted things to be just like they were before she said she wanted me. I also gave up some ground and told her I was attracted to her again and was disappointed that nothing ended up happening

She also mentions that she didnt mean to lead me on to think an official relationship was going to happen. This is something we had discussed before as we were both going on to college soon.

One thing I know is that I will not be a chump with this girl again. I've had time to myself and worked out my problems. I feel like trying to start things off again with a few dates loaded with sexual tension and then prove to her I'm not a b*tch anymore.

Is there any chance things with this girl can go back to a SOLID, LOVING, EXCLUSIVE relationship? If not, I will continue my process of moving on.

 

[Iceberg]

Is there any chance things with this girl can go back to a SOLID, LOVING, EXCLUSIVE relationship? If not, I will continue my process of moving on.

Yes. If you stop doing things like this....

I go straight to her and ask her what the **** is going on, and tell her that I can't do this back and forth hot and cold thing . She tells me she loves me as a person and wants me in her life forever AND is attracted to me, but that we need to keep the attraction to ourselves for now. She said she wanted things to be just like they were before she said she wanted me.

You totally put her in the driver's seat. Going right back to your AFC ways that you complained about in the first sentence. When you disappear for a while, she wants you, and then when you come back, you're like this little yo-yo on a string...

She also mentions that she didnt mean to lead me on to think an official relationship was going to happen. This is something we had discussed before as we were both going on to college soon.

She totally meant to lead you on.

One thing I know is that I will not be a chump with this girl again. I've had time to myself and worked out my problems. I feel like trying to start things off again with a few dates loaded with sexual tension and then prove to her I'm not a b*tch anymore.

Hey buddy, you know I love you right? But uh...you ARE being a chump with her again. You've done it by hanging out with her more and more, and by allowing her to get under your skin, and now by concocting ways to prove yourself to her.

Your value to her increases when the amount of attention you're paying her decreases.

If I were in your shoes, I'd just walk away. You broke up, and it's over. She's playing games with you, and you're sacrificing your pride to keep this girl in your life. There are plenty of women who won't put you through this.

But if you want to pursue her again, then stop letting her guide the relationship. Next time you hang out with her, you're either making out with her and taking her back home to f***, or you're not talking to her at all.

It's all or nothing. It's either, exactly what you want, or you're walking away. And you don't TELL her this. No more arguing...no more asking her "Where is this going?"...you're either allowing her into your life in the exact way you want her there...or you're not allowing her into your life at all. The end.

 

[Mr. Non-Juan]

Translations

The short answer is: NO.

Now, allow me to translate the things in your message:

So this girl and I broke up a little over a month ago. Things had gone downhill because I started being a little AFC chump.

TRANSLATION: SHE broke up with me a month ago because I started doing things that got on her nerves.

Since then, I have not initiated contact, although I've been friendly toward her and teased her enough to let her know that I wasn't devastated by the breakup.

TRANSLATION: Despite not contacting her, I've allowed her to decide when it's okay for her to contact me, and I've teased her enough to let her know that I'm still interested in her despite the guise of "not being devastated," which I am since I still want her back.

She's been hanging around me more and more, and this week, she tells me that she "wants me" and she starts flirting with me.

TRANSLATION: She's been hanging around me more because, despite not wanting to be with me, she feels really, REALLY bad for hurting my feelings (like all girls do - they hate feeling like they're being hated on by anyone). She starts telling me she "wants me" and starts flirting with me to see if I'll flirt with her, thus allowing her to confirm that (a) she still has me under her spell, and (b) if things don't work out with some other guy she likes, she can come back to me and not have to claim "single" status.

Other people see this and spread rumors that she is a slut because she's supposedly been leading on this other guy. I KNOW she does not like this guy and he is just her chumpy friend. I'm not worried about it.

TRANSLATION: Other people see that she's using TWO guys - me and him - and label her a "slut" despite not having actual evidence that she's done slutty stuff with either of us. I THINK I know she doesn't like this guy because she's probably verbally said it. (Yeah, and a close girlfriend of mine just got pregnant by a guy she's claimed to "never want to see again" at least a dozen times in the last year.)

Being branded as a slut, she suddenly backs off.

TRANSLATION: Being NOT INTERESTED in me, she uses the whole "slut" thing as an excuse to back away from me, knowing full well I will buy it.

I go straight to her and ask her what the **** is going on, and tell her that I can't do this back and forth hot and cold thing.

TRANSLATION: I go straight to her and show her what an emotional AFC I am, despite "being over her." (This is what she was hoping you would do in the first place.)

She tells me she loves me as a person and wants me in her life forever AND is attracted to me, but that we need to keep the attraction to ourselves for now. She said she wanted things to be just like they were before she said she wanted me.

TRANSLATION: She TELLS me she loves me and wants me in her life forever, even though she is "backing off" and "no longer wants to hang around me." She says she's attracted to me, but not enough to have me as a boyfriend, and that I need to keep my attraction to her to myself for now. She said she wanted things to be just like they were before she said she wanted me, because she thought I'd understand she was just PLAYING with me when she said it, and didn't know I'd take the comment and call her on it.

She also mentions that she didn't mean to lead me on to think an official relationship was going to happen. This is something we had discussed before as we were both going on to college soon.

TRANSLATION: She also mentioned that she's in high school, and was smart enough to let me know that keeping a high-school relationship going in college - when we're both going to different schools (I'm assuming) - is close to impossible. This is something we had discussed (and by "discussed," I'm guessing it means you brought it up and she turned the idea down.)

One thing I know is that I will not be a chump with this girl again. I've had time to myself and worked out my problems.

TRANSLATION: One thing I know is that I'm still an AFC towards this girl, but I don't want to let her see it. I've had time to myself (since she's not going out with me), and I've racked my brain trying to figure out what she didn't like about me so I could conform myself to her liking - that way, she'll take me back.

I feel like trying to start things off again with a few dates loaded with sexual tension and then prove to her I'm not a b*tch anymore.

TRANSLATION: I've never heard of the term "move on" or "on to the next," so even though I know this girl doesn't like me, I'm going to try and trick her into going out. Maybe ask her if she wants to "hang out" sometime (without calling them "dates" - that'll just scare her off!). I'll throw out some phrases in an attempt to build up sexual tension - but it'll only be built up on MY end since she DOESN'T LIKE ME ANYMORE.

Is there any chance things with this girl can go back to a SOLID, LOVING, EXCLUSIVE relationship?

MY ANSWER: No.

Bottom line: if a girl wants to be with you, she makes it easy. If she doesn't want to be with you, she makes excuses. Really, REALLY simple stuff!

-Non Juan

 

[WalkingStick]

Thanks for the responses, guys.

For the record, we are going to the same college (otherwise I wouldnt bother)


I think I've handled myself well over the past month, and I'm sure she didnt think I was interested (for a lot of it, I really wasnt interested)

I saw her CONSTANTLY this week she "wanted me" because we were both on a week long school trip. Her chumpy friend was also on the trip, which is why she was labeled a slut. She tried to meet up with me alone to make out (or so she told me) until she got sh*t

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

I just want to know if she lead me on for her own ego or because she actually felt differently.

Well, the fact that you even care about that is a weakness on its own.

It's like a wife asking about whether her husband punched her because he was drunk, or because he was seriously mad.

The end result is, she led you on. She led you on, and she backed off, and told you that she led you on. The "why" doesn't matter.

 

[Dubh]

stop and read what iceberg and non juan wrote they broke it down perfectly enough said

 

[WalkingStick]

stop and read what iceberg and non juan wrote they broke it down perfectly enough said

You're probably right. Either way, I can't do anything about what already happened

Im going to pull back for a while. It seems like I still have some AFC behavior I need to get sorted out.

She'll chase me if she wants it. If not, I know she was playing with me.

 

[Serg897]

Listen to what everyone is telling you. Don't be sucked back in. She is playing games with you and it isn't worth it.

Bottom line, like Non Juan said: If she REALLY wants you back, she wouldnt be leading you on, then backing off. Its a game to see if she still "has" you, so she can just dump you again. Don't give her that satisfaction.

Do not contact her. Date other women and live your life.

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

Quit dealing with this one immediately.

You have an established paradigm of AFCness with her, and the longer you are in any contact, the longer you will remain an AFC.

It's might be a bitter pill now, but six months in the future you will say, "Who?"

Quit taking this so seriously! These are GIRLS. GIRLS!