Ever reboot your social life?

[Forty0ztoFreedom]

I was really tired of my social scene. First, I'm trying to live more healthy, get in better shape, etc. and the only thing to do around here is drink to blackout at local bars. This is not sustainable if your goal is a calorie deficit. But even beyond that, it seems nobody ever plans a trip, or a concert, or anything. If anyone plans it, its me, and this is NEVER reciprocated. The few times trips were planned in the past, I was excluded for whatever reason.

Basically, I've always felt like the tag-along. I relate very little to my chosen social group. I blame low self esteem in earlier years for my choosing a "cool group" or some kind of group to feel validated in . . rather than a group that I could actually relate to and be productive in. I consider it a fatal mistake. I feel like I've lost years of my youth where I should have been with people I relate to and bond with rather than a group I feel like I'm 'trying' to fit into.

I know it sounds sh!tty to say that about a group of 'friends' I've had for 10 years plus . . But what can I do? There are friends I will always have, don't get me wrong, but the vast vast majority . . bleh. I've come to the conclusion that a big shake-up is needed. Not to be a 14 year old cutter but Radiohead "Creep" springs to mind. Its gotten to the point that being around this group is actually depressing to me. Something has got to give.

I'm just curious if anyone else has ever come to the conclusion that their social life needs a giant reboot, and what they did about it?

 

[FairShake]

Bad company is better than no company. I once ditched EVERYONE after 7 or 8 people canceled on my birthday party. It sucked. I'd rather have a few people with which to pass the time even if we aren't particularly close. As long as I'm not being hurt and getting what I want.

Is that AFC? Probably but if you are alone it builds on itself. Work your way up.

 

[Forty0ztoFreedom]

Bad company is better than no company.

I disagree completely. I'm not gonna be disrespected and walked on. Seriously I'd rather be some nutjob in a secluded mansion somewhere who's entire social life is spraying roaches in the cellar.

 

[Solomon]

I disagree completely. I'm not gonna be disrespected and walked on. Seriously I'd rather be some nutjob in a secluded mansion somewhere who's entire social life is spraying roaches in the cellar.

I c/s

The older I get the more people I cut off, I refuse to hang with people who talk shyt or treat me with less then the respect I deserve.

There some people I still associate with but very minimally but those people I don't call and say "hey lets hang out" they call me

 

[Retro1]

Since my late teens I've been somewhat of a loner and have only had what I consider one or two close friends at any given time. I can be friendly enough but I get bored at the superficial and I don't go out partying/drinking. It always amazes me how two faced some people can be to each other yet they still hang out with one another.

In my adult life, I've had long term health problems which prevented me from really wanting to maintain friendships. I've recently had a good recovery and also left an 11 year relationship so I am starting over again. I went traveling and screwed around a bit but am back on my own. I had a major health scare a few months ago and thought I might die.. I really want to live my life now and expand what has always been a limited social circle.

I don't drink so won't evolve my social life around the bar/pub/club scene.

I've recently joined a gym and hope to make some friends there which I am sure will happen in time. I also got introduced to someone recently and we're going to start playing pool together which I enjoy.

I'm looking for group based activities which I can do local to me which I will enjoy and meet people. I'm not looking to make lots of friends just quality friends I enjoy being around. Although I don't have much of a social life I don't feel lonely at the moment as I know I am making steps to improve myself. If I can get out a few times a week that is enough for me as I also want to focus on my business and interests.

If I get into another LTR I will make it a priority that I stay in touch with any good friends I make.

 

[GreyedOut]

I've been in the exact same situation my whole life. I chose the cooler group to be friends with and didn't spend the time getting closer to good friends who actually cared about me. Things have changed now, but it took awhile. I've rebooted my social circle twice in my life. Once near the end of high school and once 2 years ago. The first time was rocky because I didn't really know how to do it. I had to push myself a lot more and made a lot of stupid social mistakes. I didn't screen properly and got screwed over by a few people I let into my life. Second time around has been much better. Your social life is like a relationship. You need to constantly work at it and put in that effort. At first you don't see much for returns and you may be skeptical but you gotta keep at it. Eventually it takes on a life of itself and the returns start to compound beyond your control. Eventually your phone is ringing off the hook, you have too many plans, and you start choosing whether to exclude people (which you should never do). This is usually when girls are flocking to me like crazy too and gaming becomes pretty easy.

I wouldn't bail on the friends you have now. You need a base to start from. Just acknowledge they aren't the best of friends and limit their control over you. Overall this is big topic and I may post something in the future on how to develop a solid social circle.

For now, I'd suggest the following tips:

-say yes to every event (just showing up is usually enough)
-avoid being too opinionated
-be positive and friendly and open
-be observant, listen and be very respectful
-don't go for any girls within the social circle
-your goal is to gain the respect of the group one person at a time to gain positive references and introductions
-pick up similar hobbies to the group (sports is gold - playing and watching)
-stop clashing on things like the calories and drinking. Im big on diet and exercise, but my boys drink hard. In the beginning I had to keep up to gain the respect. Now I can choose whatever I want.

It's actually somewhat similar to getting your career going. If you're in a crappy job, you shouldn't just quit and hope for a new job. You keep at the current job and do really well. At the same time you start networking, stay positive and apply yourself constantly. The first few people you network may not lead to a job, but they have friends and by sticking to it things will pay off.

Good luck.

 

[GreyedOut]

I just read a few of the follow up posts. I'll repeat what I just posted, do not cut people out of your life unless it's extreme. Everything in life comes down to control. You need to control how much control you allow people to have over you.

If my friends bail on me I don't react. I try and setup alternative plans without them and shrug it off. If they do it again, then I'll start to consider dropping them. They do it a third time and I will. But usually if I don't make a big deal about it and start developing my own life and social circle, they'll realize they made a mistake.

People need to see value in you to make an effort. It's also similar to gaming. Why should a hot girl choose you for a relationship? Why should the good people choose you for a social circle? If they're bailing on you it's because they don't respect you. Walking away is one answer. Reflecting on why they don't respect you and addressing that could be another answer. Take some time to think about that and reflect on how you treat people and what you bring to the table.

Everyone in this world thinks they're special. The younger generations (under 30) have a huge entitlement mentality and think everything should come easy and handed to them. I'm in this generation but I recognize this mentality and do my best to correct it. I go the extra mile for my friends now and show them the respect I want to be shown. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Blah blah blah Churchy stuff. Some days you're not going to get the respect back and question the whole process. If you've never been through tough times it's going to be hard to stick to the process. I've personally been through tough times and appreciate the people who were there for me. I've been showing that appreciation and regularly offer to be there for them. The support I get now is amazing. I love my friends and family because I put the effort in and I get it back.

 

[Burroughs]

The only folks I know who have a HUGE social lives are trust fund kids. Half of them are addicted to coke and the other half don't know their own names

As far as the people I know who want to achieve something in life (as many on this board are trying to) they have to keep their 'friends' low by necessity. Friends quickly turn into haters when you're focused on your goals.

So focus on your goals, achieve them and you'll find yourself surrounded by more people than you know what to do with.

 

[JonSirG]

Have no friends not equal to yourself.
Confucius

“Because it was the truth. Why do you let people mold and shape your life? Your life is going in circles because you cannot tear yourself from your loser friends or stupid entertainment. Keep reading the letter.”
pook
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=60543

 

[Warrior74]

After college. I actually had zero friends in this town. Went out and made new ones. I kept a few from college.

After splitting with my ex, I dropped alot of my druggy friends. I only still talk to a handful.

Today most of the people I talk and interact with are related to business in some way. Most of my friends live all over the country. It seems to be harder to build new social circles as you grow older. Work, kids, family, health issues etc.

 

[FairShake]

I disagree completely. I'm not gonna be disrespected and walked on. Seriously I'd rather be some nutjob in a secluded mansion somewhere who's entire social life is spraying roaches in the cellar.

If that's the case then do it. The only way you CAN be respected is to be able to walk away. I suspect they won't care but they definitely won't until you're not there anymore.

I suspect your social skills aren't really all that so I guess you will be riding solo for quite awhile. Get comfortable with that and it will make you a stronger person.

 

[Strelok]

Whats wrong in having few friends? there is simply people that is not made to live the social life and that doesnt make them weird or whatever.

You're not supposed to hit the party life just because in hollywood they decided that it's the only way to have fun and enjoy life, dont know you but I get hights every day after Im done lifting heavy weights at the gym,no club can give me that.

And about the friends number,what is the point to affiliate with people you share nothing with? to tolerate a bad time in order to avoid feeling alone?
Whatever kind of man you are there are many like you, so fvck off to the "mainstream" socialization and create something on your own.
A warcraft nerd who meet other nerd and talk about it has for sure more fun and relax more than any guy trying to join the "cool guys team" without sharing anything with them.

Forget the crap they throw in your head,your life your rules.

 

[Brownrice]

OP, you're 28. Plenty of time to revamp your social and build friendships with people you can count on.

Don't completely ignore people you can't relate to tho, just turn them into acquaintances. Friends are those you can count on and relate to....

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Greyed out,
"-say yes to every event (just showing up is usually enough)
-avoid being too opinionated
-be positive and friendly and open
-be observant, listen and be very respectful
-don't go for any girls within the social circle
-your goal is to gain the respect of the group one person at a time to gain positive references and introductions
-pick up similar hobbies to the group (sports is gold - playing and watching)
-stop clashing on things like the calories and drinking. Im big on diet and exercise, but my boys drink hard. In the beginning I had to keep up to gain the respect. Now I can choose whatever I want." Wisdom from the mouth of Babes,this is such wonderful advice...It took me almost 60 years to get to where you are.

 

[Brownrice]

Dear Greyed out,
"-say yes to every event (just showing up is usually enough)
-avoid being too opinionated
-be positive and friendly and open
-be observant, listen and be very respectful
-don't go for any girls within the social circle
-your goal is to gain the respect of the group one person at a time to gain positive references and introductions
-pick up similar hobbies to the group (sports is gold - playing and watching)
-stop clashing on things like the calories and drinking. Im big on diet and exercise, but my boys drink hard. In the beginning I had to keep up to gain the respect. Now I can choose whatever I want." Wisdom from the mouth of Babes,this is such wonderful advice...It took me almost 60 years to get to where you are.

Are you really 67? Can't picture a 67 yr old posting on a this kind of forum. I mean no disrespect, just kind of odd.

 

[Drewskie]

Are you really 67? Can't picture a 67 yr old posting on a this kind of forum. I mean no disrespect, just kind of odd.

Read his posts, he has the wisdom of a 67 year old regardless, we're lucky to have him post here.