Establish your territory by approaching her

[Rebel Leader]

I see this question asked often -- Why won't she approach me if she's interested? Often, the presumption is that the woman is insecure or she wants reassurance about herself from you.

Well, I dug around in my psyche a bit and came up with an alternative explanation.

For a bit of background on who I am: I am assertive, and neither insecure nor wanting reassurance of my value. I probably rate a 6 or 7 on a 10 scale for looks.

When I spot a man (a stranger I haven't already met) whom I'd like to get to know better as a romantic possibility, I send signals like eye contact and smiles. I ATTRACT his attention. If the situation is a tough one for him, for example, if I'm sitting with a male friend, I'll throw in a wink and raise an eyebrow, and maybe make an excuse to walk PAST him on my way to the powder room or to the bar to get another round, along with more eye contact. There is no way he can mistake that I'm smiling at him.

But I don't initiate contact by walking over TO him. He has to make a move by *at least* beckoning me to walk over and talk to him. (I'll hold my ground unless I'm sitting or standing with a male friend and my target may have reason to think he might get slugged if he approaches me.)

It isn't that I can't initiate. If I'm not interested romantically (say I'm interested professionally or for friends only), I'll walk right up, shake his hand, introduce myself and get down to business. Romance is a different issue, and here's why.

BY APPROACHING HER YOU ESTABLISH CONTROL OF THE TERRITORY. First yours and then hers, too.

Now consider that I'm no shrinking violet. I carry a cell phone in one pocket and a Spyderco knife in the other. "Don't be a victim" is my motto. I very rarely feel intimidated by circumstances or people.

As a woman, though, I weigh in at about two-thirds to one-half the size of my man. It might be hard-wired into my genes or imprinted by the people around me -- all I know is that it simply feels good when a man takes control of territory and acts like he will handle situations.

Acting territorial is a masculine trait, and I feel reassured when sensing a concrete sign of the masculinity that I like so much.

Did she say "reassured"?! Yes, she said "reassured," folks!

I feel reassured not from strokes to my vanity, but reassured that I can continue to perform the feminine role of opening vulnerabilities to him in an environment that is safe because he controls it.

Thank you for joining me on this trip through the id. Now, back to your regular programming.....

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Live ... Love ... Laugh

 

[aznbreakerjrey]

Wow. This girl is like a . . . I dunno. However, I do know that this is a well written post by a lady, and that's gotta be something in and of itself.

 

[Take No Dirt]

Ms Rebel Leader sure has written some awesome posts of late that are bound to help the aspiring DJs here. Bravo, RL!

It's amazing about the obvious signals (eye contact, smiles, hand waves, wink of the eye, licking the lips, going out of her way to brush up against the guy) that some women send the dudes' way yet the dudes are unsure whether she's interested or not.

[This message has been edited by Take No Dirt (edited 02-10-2002).]

 

[bartender]

Rebel Leader this is something I hear for the first time and it makes sense to me. I never looked at approaching girls in this way. Thanks.

 

[Rebel Leader]

I'm happy you folks found it worthwhile!

 

[indy]

Whoa Rebel Leader! This post is stellar!

I just found it from the link you posted in another post of yours...

This has made me completely rethink my approach! I was for some stupid reason feeling I was up against severe opposition in approaching a woman for her digits even though she was showing signs of interest!

Now whenever I need that last push to go get the digits, I'll think of your post.

Thank you for a wonderfully thought provoking insight!

 

[Don the Legend]

Hey RL,

Nice post.

There is a question I would like to ask. When I see a girl who is with a group of guys, my first assumption is she is dating one of the guys. I've noticed that I may or may not have missed her flirting with me. Now the question, how can you tell? If she is giving eye contact, why doesn't she break away from her guy friends so I can make the approach? Do you do that yourself? Just wondering....

Legend

 

[Rebel Leader]

Originally posted by Don the Legend:
Nice post.

Thanks!

When I see a girl who is with a group of guys, my first assumption is she is dating one of the guys.

Your assumption is a fair one, and she should know that. There is a lot of communication that can happen across a room without words. If you indicate your interest (smile/eye contact), and she continues to show interest but doesn't move away from the group, try beckoning with a subtle move of your head or hand.

I would say after that it is up to her to move away from the group. If she doesn't then she (a) is enjoying flirting for flirting's sake and wants to go no further, or (b) does not have enough on the ball to make this situation work for the two of you.

If I thought you were interested and I wanted you to approach me but thought you were hesitating because of men in my group, yes, I would make it easier for you by making some excuse to get away -- to adjust my hair in the mirror, to get a drink, to get a breath of fresh air, to make a phone call, etc. If you beckoned, I'd figure out a way to get closer to you also.

I was at a bar with a male friend, and saw a man dancing on the floor -- great dancer. I wanted him to dance with me that night, too. As he walked back to his seat, I gave him the works -- a big smile, solid eye contact. I winked at him when he kept looking over at me. Then he beckoned me, so I walked over to where he was. He asked, "Is that your boyfriend?" I said, "No, he's a friend." We had a great time dancing up a storm.

These scenarios are for public places like bars or clubs. At mixers like ****tail parties or conventions, I think the rules are different, because everybody is supposed to be getting to know other people.

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Live ... Love ... Laugh

 

[Don the Legend]

Thanks for the tips!


[This message has been edited by Don the Legend (edited 02-13-2002).]

 

[Page]

Intriguing and worthwhile post...

Have you ever had to use the knife?

 

[Rebel Leader]

Originally posted by Page:
Intriguing and worthwhile post...

Have you ever had to use the knife?

Thanks, and I haven't needed to pull the knife yet.

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Live ... Love ... Laugh

 

[SIXPAK GQ]

yea what if she is just playing games and she disses u after all ......

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Copyright @2002 SIXPAK GQ.

 

[bartender]

Originally posted by SIXPAK GQ:
yea what if she is just playing games and she disses u after all ......

That's why you need a certain mindset in order to become a Don Juan. A confident mindset. You need to know the rules of the game. You need to become a smarter player than women.

 

[Rebel Leader]

Originally posted by SIXPAK GQ:
yea what if she is just playing games and she disses u after all ......

There are many reasons a woman might not approach a man. This posts explains one reason which is not related to the woman's insecurity, shyness, or disrespectful attitude. In fact, it is directly related to her self-assurance and respect for a man's masculinity.

Unfortunately for men, it's sometimes hard to tell what exactly she is up to. By approaching her, they find out right away, one way or the other. That ties into assuming that she is on *your* territory, and avoiding the feeling that you are on *her* territory. You go up to her and find out what she is doing on your territory. I hope this mindset helps get you going!

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Live ... Love ... Laugh

 

[wryter]

hi rebel leader
I've been lurking here for a long time now, your post convinced me to register.
first I'd like to thank you on the very interesting information, what you describe happens about all the time to me :d
now you mentioned that you carry a spyderco ( okay, I'm not falling in love, must not... ) what type do you carry?
ever considered carrying a tactical flashlight like a surefire? it lights up every dark space and can be used for pain compliance wich adds a new option to your continuum of force, did I mention its perfectly legal everywhere? :d

greetz