Engaged, regretting it, and falling for another...

[pokechop]

I'm 27, and I've been in a relationship with a woman for about 5 years. I recently got engaged to her. For the wrong reasons. I've never felt a "spark" with her, and I never truly felt what I considered what love would feel like. There is no romance, no passion, and no "spark". I've been emotionally weak for a while now, and afraid to be alone. I'm dumb. Colossal-super dumb... But I'm completely happy with my life, outside of the relationship.. I'm in school full-time, and finally feel like my balls have grown back. I'm confident, and I'm takin' care of my business..

Shortly after I got engaged and had the "oh crap, what did I do..." epiphany, I met a 30 year-old woman in my class who has the same major as me. We struck up a friendship, and after having lunch one day, she gave me her number. She told me after several days she has a boyfriend, but she's unhappy with him. After a few weeks, she told me that the only reason she doesn't want to leave him is that she's hard to please sexually, and he loves giving oral, so she's afraid to be alone without sexual fulfillment. I played the game, and so far, she has persued me with no-holds barred, before and after she found out that I have a significant other... She isn't giving any warning signs that make me think she's playing me, and she's been very classy in not pushing me into something physical, despite the fact that she wants me incredibly badly. (Eye dialation, increased pulse rate, rapid breathing...) She talks about her future and includes me in it, she's admitted that I give her butterflies, she's nervous every day she's going to get to see me and she thinks about me constantly. Which, I explained likewise. She even went as far as to explain her "perfect man" (after a lot of hesitation), then point out my attributes that match it perfectly. Her actions and words show me that she's serious about me, and sees a future with me. We've arranged to have classes together next semester, and when I mentioned possibly relocating to finish a Masters program, she said she would look into whether 'our' credits would transfer out of state) We spend prolonged periods looking into each others eyes, and.... Fellas, I see something I've never seen before. Like it's freakin' meant to be. I can't even explain it. I don't have a word for it... Don't need one.. I've seen something similar only once, with a 32y/o who was madly in love with me, and whose heart I broke..

So far, I'm playing the game alright, considering I'm out of practice and completely falling for her. She's ready to take things to the next level, but I know she's afraid of being played, just as I am. My main problem is that I'm a former cop, I don't trust anyone, and I'm always looking for ulterior motives behind her actions, and fighting cynicism and skepticism in my head...

I just need some feedback as to what you guys think... I really don't think she's playing me, as I feel like, and see in her eyes, that she's being completely honest with me.... So am I just mind-f*cking myself, or what? Any and all advice is welcome. Thanks for looking out guys... You all provide a great support network, and it's appreciated...

 

[sodbuster]

ALWAYS trust your gut! It is actually your subconscious letting you know the answer to your question. You aren't feeling it with your fiance and you know it. SO why go through with it and spend the next 50 years wondering what if? You may be losing a good girl,or there may be hidden things your subconscious picke up on that will make your life with her a living he11.

 

[Jeffst1980]

Hey pokechop,
Not going to comment about the engagement issue other than that you should break it off sooner rather than later. It may seem like a very difficult thing to do now, but every day you wait will make it all the more difficult. You deserve to be with women you truly desire, and she deserves a man that truly desires her, as twister said.

Now, onto the woman in your class: I am seeing some VERY big red flags with this situation. You are being "tested" without even knowing it--she's testing your ability to slow down her escalation and play it cool.

See, when a girl shows WAY too much interest BEFORE you've gotten physical with her, you know something's up. You should be slowing the interaction down--you need to qualify her before you can start talking about having a future together!

Right now, she's getting off on the attention she gets from you, since her current relationship is dead in the water. Thats all we can assume at this point, because when we talk about judging a woman by her ACTIONS, we mean in the context of a physical relationship, not by dubious evidence such as pupil dilation and compliments. Right now, her actions are simply showing that she has fun flirting with you and that she has little respect for her relationship (which is a red flag all of its own). Use those cop instincts of yours---they will serve you well.

Most likely, the fun for her will end the moment you confess your love for her and allow her to "win." You'll hook up a couple of times, and then she'll distance herself from you. Why? Because you didn't qualify her, and you showed yourself to be overly eager--which are not characteristics of a high valued male.

It's a lousy s#it test--in this one, a woman will pull out all the stops and feign ASTRONOMICALLY high interest, just to get you to confess your undying love for her. Then, once her ego is boosted, she moves on and leaves you clueless.

What you SHOULD be doing is teasing her when she starts getting serious--crack jokes, whatever, but make it clear that you're not there yet---you're not 100% sold on her. Even if you break off the engagement and start shacking up with this one, you STILL shouldn't be 100% sold on her--QUALIFY her. Make her WORK for it. That's what she's actually looking for, even if she'll never admit to it.

Physical intimacy begets emotional intimacy--not the other way around.

This one is still salvageable if you slow it down and stop talking about how much you're into her.

Good luck!

 

[logic1]

Pokechop

I would like to make a few assumptions. Don't know if they are correct but its what is going thru my mind.

Are you still engaged? I'm assuming yes?

The woman you are engaged probably nudged you to make the jump? You probably felt pressured? When this happens its always a mistake to give in.


The 2nd woman. Does she know you are engaged? If so, she could be looking at this as a competition. If this is the case don't be surprised if she goes cold after knowing your engagement is off. She won the challenge. It sounds like she is very aggressive in a unhealthy way. Be careful. Hopefully things will go good.

Again, if you are still engaged and she knows about it I think you are in trouble.

 

[pokechop]

"This one is still salvageable if you slow it down and stop talking about how much you're into her."

Freakin' gold right there.

"Physical intimacy begets emotional intimacy--not the other way around."

Didn't even think that would be the case, as with a woman I assumed the opposite... I suppose I have some studying to do...

Good lookin' out, and thanks.

 

[jophil28]

See, when a girl shows WAY too much interest BEFORE you've gotten physical with her, you know something's up. You should be slowing the interaction down--you need to qualify her before you can start talking about having a future together!


Good luck!

Jeff said it.

" ...you need to qualify her before .. " means testing her bona fide attraction toward you and whether it runs deep enough for her to be willing to make some changes to her current life.
You see, she is either genuine and considering a future with you, OR she is in love with the feelings (and the swirl of brain chemicals ) that she is experiencing by having an emotional affair with you .
I do not believe her story that she won't leave her man because of their sex life. A woman can get whatever sex she wants from many guys at the bar just by asking.

The way to test the sincerity of her feelings is to suggest to her ( casually ) that she leaves her guy FIRST - before you leave your fiancee. If you word it in the right way, and she is genuine, she will at least discuss the proposal with you. IF she is just having the time of her life with you in this clandestine emotional affair, then she will balk and find endless "reasons" why she can't leave her guy.
The last thing you want is to leave your own LTR for her , and offer yourself as single and available only to have her tell you that she "needs time to think this through."

Secondly, you may get yourself into a sexual dilemma here.
If I were you , I would not even consider a future with a woman without a deep and mutually satisfying sexual involvement. Unless she is close to crazy with lust for you she is not a contender. However if you do succeed in seducing her ,and she is a willing, and eager participant, then you also know that you are fukking another man's LTR . That, in itself, may say something about her character.

Furthermore, don't make the mistake of believing that her willingness to engage in sexual intimacy with you is a guarantee of her genuine interest in you as a future SO.

If I were you I would craft a few tests, and carefully observe her responses. You deserve to know her motivations and her true intentions before you become more emotionally involved.

 

[Blue Phoenix]

I am seeing some VERY big red flags with this situation. You are being "tested" without even knowing it--she's testing your ability to slow down her escalation and play it cool.

See, when a girl shows WAY too much interest BEFORE you've gotten physical with her, you know something's up. You should be slowing the interaction down--you need to qualify her before you can start talking about having a future together!

Ops! Whoa cowoby!! I´m with this guy here. Some girls love to take guys from their gfs to dump them (the guys) later.

General Warning:
Many predators drug you with praise and flattery. Reality: It takes time to really get to know someone and build trust. “Instant intimacy” is typically a sign that someone’s stroking your ego into submission.

Wanna know you´re being played? Make a move and she the amount of Bs she will throw at you! Let´s hope she´s really into you. You need to look for congruence in her behavior. Jo is right.

 

[boomerick]

Personally, if it were me, I'd bail on both chicks. One of them you don't seem to care about and the other is a potential headcase. TOO MUCH DRAMA! Too much risk for not enough reward. Life is too short. Go spend your time finding a normal chick who digs you as much as you dig her.

Over and Out

 

[Mr.Positive]

It's important to realize you have two completely separate situations. One of unhappiness with your current fiance, and one of excitement of meeting someone new, infatuation.

Keep both these situations separate, don't let them cloud together.

Basically, what I'm saying is don't be a branch-swinger. Branch-swinging behaviour:

1) Bored, content, or even happy in current relationship.
2) Meet someone new, life is exciting again, find faults or even create faults in current relationship. Faults that help you justify how you 'feel'.
3) Bail on current relationship.
4) Jump into new relationship.
5) Meet someone new....
6) Wash, rinse, repeat.

This new gal, and you, both display this. That's a red flag in my little book of flags..

Be honest with yourself.

If you are truly unhappy with your fiance, only you can know this. But if you are, it's unfair to her and you, in the long run, to stay together. As difficult as it may be, don't hold her back in life.

 

[pokechop]

Agreed with the engagement advice so far... Good to go..

What are some tests I can throw at her to check her intentions?

Also, if I were to make a move to check if she's just toying with me giving me this coy/suggestive sex talk crap, when is the best time to do so and appear the most in control of the situation?

I'm trying to analyze some of these articles, but I've got a lot of catching up to do....

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Pokechop,
Sorry,I am the odd Man out again.....As usual Sodbuster comes closest to my take on your situation.....After five years all relationships become jaded,you may well have engaged quite a good Lady here,so don't wash the baby down the plug hole....Yep engagement was a great Idea,kept her happy,just make sure and pull back from any "Understood" dates for the happy event,just keep her laughing,with marriage these days seeming a tenuous arrangement of serial relationships anyhow,how much less binding is engagement....Your new girl is in the same bored state as you,although there could be a temptation in her to pull someone elses Man,to prove in her own mind that she still has what it takes...You can have your cake and eat it too,if you play safe....However realise that the stakes are quite high and there is a strong possibility that you will lose both.

 

[AMDG]

I really don't think she's playing me, as I feel like, and see in her eyes, that she's being completely honest with me....

You are wrong here - and being used for an ego boost most likely. There are no "actions" to speak of - only teenage-like talk between people involved in relationships with other persons. She's already described herself as "hard to please" and you are day-dreaming about the "future" when you don't even have even the present time to speak of.

If you want to see actions, then tell her to leave her boyfriend and give us the feedback.

 

[BobMo']

"..... she told me that the only reason she doesn't want to leave him is that she's hard to please sexually, and he loves giving oral, so she's afraid to be alone without sexual fulfillment..............She isn't giving any warning signs that make me think she's playing me, and she's been very classy in not pushing me into something physical, despite the fact that she wants me incredibly badly. (Eye dialation, increased pulse rate, rapid breathing...) "

I smell a troll.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

POKECHOP, put an age on your profile

 

[pokechop]

Roger that. Updated...

No trolling here...I'm just embarassingly inept at dealing with the games women play. I'm way too honest, and way too nice.

I see a valid reason why I should be leery of this chick... I think I put the blinders on when my ego was getting stroked.

So is my best bet to test her reaction to the suggestion that she should leave her boyfriend to see if she's FOS? If she tries to deflect it back on me, like I need to make a move as well (or first) can I assume she's not legit?...

 

[jophil28]

So is my best bet to test her reaction to the suggestion that she should leave her boyfriend to see if she's FOS? If she tries to deflect it back on me, like I need to make a move as well (or first) can I assume she's not legit?...

Unless and until you qualify a woman who is still involved with another guy, you would be very wise to define her as a "suspect", and not a "prospect".

One way that works for me is to invite her to spend a weekend in the country at a resort or even a cosy B&B. Her reaction to your invite will tell you a lot.

 

[mrRuckus]

ALWAYS trust your gut! It is actually your subconscious letting you know the answer to your question.

What makes you think my subconscious is any smarter than my dumb conscious brain?

I've never bought into the gut thing. It's wrong and often. Let it hint at you and guide you towards evidence, but always analyze and make the end decision with the conscious, rational mind.

 

[Reyaj]

I'm going to give you a realist answer here....

Every relationship loses its initial luster.... whats important is a person's core values or frame from which they view the world. Is your fiancee loyal to you? Would she make a good wife pragmatically? This whole idea of love is so over rated.... I'm not saying its not existent... but any awseome feeling you have towards a woman is really just self-talked infatuation....

Now the girl you are interested in from class..... she has a boyfriend and is only with him cause he eats her out??? Sounds like the type of girl you should take home to mom lol...... Really though... what's to say once the intiial novelty feeling wears off she won't look elsewhere? If you want to bang this girl then do it... but as cliche as it is.. don't fall in love

 

[Kailex]

Is this a case of "Grass is Seemingly Greener"?

I know you said that you got engaged and felt like you had made a mistake, but, how are you so certain it was a mistake? I mean, 5 years is a long time and you aren't sure of what you feel for her?

I'm almost absolutely sure that whatever "minor" feelings of regretting being engaged were most certainly magnified with this new... situation. This new girl is exciting, she's intriguing. She's a challenge.

Your fiancee has been around for 5 years, there's nothing new, nothing challenging. Are you sure that maybe you don't need to take a step back and re-evaluate your life before you make a decision you just might regret?

I am PRETTY sure that almost EVERY guy at some point of being engaged has this "Oh my god, what have I done?" moment. I'm pretty sure this used to get called "Cold feet"?

Now, I can't talk from experience. I've never been engaged, but it just doesn't seem like you really have a reason to NOT be with your LTR. If not, you would have put up a post with specifics on what she is doing to you and the relationship that you can't stand, and I failed to see one at all.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not advocating that you should stick with her. I just want you to regain focus. Would you feel this intensely about breaking off the engagement if "Muff Girl" weren't in the picture?

Think about it, Muff Girl is telling you that she is in a relationship and that she's unhappy... OF COURSE SHE IS. How else is she going to reel you in? Oh how convenient. The fact that you even think that she isn't playing you... means that she already has the upper hand. She IS playing you. She's with someone else and you are engaged.

Yes, you two have the makings of an awesome relationship.

And then when you break off your relationship and she breaks off hers (Your best case scenario)... somewhere down the line, you are going to start wondering if she is doing the same thing to you that she did to Muff Boy. Is that something you want? Do you want to feel that insecurity?

Just read my signature and listen to that song.
Is it worth it?

 

[Reyaj]

Is this a case of "Grass is Seemingly Greener"?

I know you said that you got engaged and felt like you had made a mistake, but, how are you so certain it was a mistake? I mean, 5 years is a long time and you aren't sure of what you feel for her?

I'm almost absolutely sure that whatever "minor" feelings of regretting being engaged were most certainly magnified with this new... situation. This new girl is exciting, she's intriguing. She's a challenge.

Your fiancee has been around for 5 years, there's nothing new, nothing challenging. Are you sure that maybe you don't need to take a step back and re-evaluate your life before you make a decision you just might regret?

I am PRETTY sure that almost EVERY guy at some point of being engaged has this "Oh my god, what have I done?" moment. I'm pretty sure this used to get called "Cold feet"?

Now, I can't talk from experience. I've never been engaged, but it just doesn't seem like you really have a reason to NOT be with your LTR. If not, you would have put up a post with specifics on what she is doing to you and the relationship that you can't stand, and I failed to see one at all.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not advocating that you should stick with her. I just want you to regain focus. Would you feel this intensely about breaking off the engagement if "Muff Girl" weren't in the picture?

Think about it, Muff Girl is telling you that she is in a relationship and that she's unhappy... OF COURSE SHE IS. How else is she going to reel you in? Oh how convenient. The fact that you even think that she isn't playing you... means that she already has the upper hand. She IS playing you. She's with someone else and you are engaged.

Yes, you two have the makings of an awesome relationship.

And then when you break off your relationship and she breaks off hers (Your best case scenario)... somewhere down the line, you are going to start wondering if she is doing the same thing to you that she did to Muff Boy. Is that something you want? Do you want to feel that insecurity?

Just read my signature and listen to that song.
Is it worth it?

Exactly!