ENDING Your Relationship

[Nine Breaker]

Ever wonder what the heck you should do with a woman that has worn-out her welcome with you? Ever consider the possibilities, and the advantages that a break-up can have for you?

This is all new ground. The bulk of the talk here in the forums is how to get a woman, and how to keep a woman. But it's never what you should do if you want to lose that woman. This is just as important as anything else.

... Alright, sure you need to HAVE a woman before you can break up with one, but bear with me ok!!

Your typical AFC will tell you that all you need to do is end it. The girl has not met your standards / done a bad bad thing / you lost interest (bla bla bla) and you should simply tell her "Sorry babe, show's over."

Do you ever wonder why AFC's hate (or fear) their Ex's so very much? It is because they were idiots when it came to ending things properly, and they also fear repurcussions from her friends. Oh, but it goes further than that!

What about that babe that is friends with the AFC's ex - who this AFC wants to go after now? Sorry! Her good friend, the ex, has told her what a bastard you were and probably exaggerated a bit about you. This babe isn't interested in you at all - aren't you sorry now, silly AFC?!

If you're planning on breaking up with your (former) girl, then you're going to be better off if you do this right. When you two break up, end it on a high-note. Keep her as a friend and a source of social-proof. Give HER the LJBF line, and MEAN IT!! If you two end it on GOOD TERMS then benefits will often follow. Her friends are going to see how unusual this is - you and your ex still friends?? Your ex is more likely to say good things about you now, and that "hot babe friend" of hers won't be mad at you for breaking up - she could very well be INTERESTED in you for being such a great guy all the way. Up until the end, you were good to this woman (not nice, good!) and that will be reflected in how others (eg: her friends) will see you.

An AFC would have let her go and have done with it, but you have not. You were different from the rest, from the AFC's. You didn't give her (or anyone else) a reason to hate you, or a reason to think of you as an emotional tampon. You showed her that you can still be a MAN in any situation.

Now, to reduce confusion, here is a small list of reasons NOT to keep her as a friend/social proof:

1/ She breaks up with you: This is obvious. If she ends things, then you are not to blame for it. You need not blow your top about things, but you have no need to do anything about this. Just learn from whatever went wrong in this relationship and move on.

2/ You get the LJBF line from HER: When she says LJBF to you, she doesn't mean it. She really means "I don't like you romantically, I want OUT, and I can't think up a better reason than this." Don't go berserk now, just accidently "lose contact" with her (on purpose) - AND MOVE ON!!

3/ She cheated on you: If she cheated on you, you dump her like diarrhoea - fast and as painfully as you want!! Never forgive a cheater, and never associate with a woman who cheated on you.

That about wraps it up. Any contributions are readily welcome here, as this concept is pretty much unexplored - and WORTH some exploration.

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The Human Body Is A Fragile Thing, But The Human Soul Can NEVER Be Truly Broken.

"Now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb." - Rick Moranis, "SpaceBalls"

 

[Take No Dirt]

A well thought out, well written, practical post from Nine Breaker! Yes, I agree that if a DJ breaks it off with a gal, he must not burn his bridges, but try to maintain a good "friends only" relationship with his ex-GF. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!"

 

[Rebel Leader]

It's good to know that some folks can be friends after romance. I'm having a heck of a time getting there. I don't want to take your thread too far from your intention, but how do I convince a man that I really would like to remain friends, but without the romantic direction? What I hear is, "I don't give up that easily," or, "I have a lot of patience -- I'll wait you out," or, "Give me a chance to show you -- I know I can win you over."

I'll start a new post if this is too far off topic.

 

[Don the Legend]

Hey Nine,

Great post!

Many times in a relationship, men don't see the writing on the wall. Men don't see her IL(interest level) dropping over time before it's too late. This in my opinion is the reason most women will be the dumper instead of the dumpee. If we would look at what her actions are, we would see what was leading this relationship down the toilet. Here is a thread that touched on this before but I am sure there are more to than what is said. I am glad you brought this up. I am actually wondering what your thoughts are as to what would be the best way to end the relationship? Before my days here, one time when I broke up with this one girl. It took me 10 torturous hours to break up with her. I was way AFC then. Now I would like to do a clean break. Any thoughts on time spent, what should be said?

Here was the link I was reffering to:
http://www.sosuave.com/ubb/Forum6/HTML/000454.html

Thanks for the insightful post.

Legend

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"As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round."... Ben Hogan

"The key to happiness in your life is "Your Life",... Don the Legend

[This message has been edited by Don the Legend (edited 02-12-2002).]

 

[Nine Breaker]

Firstly, thankyou all for the positive feedback. It was good to know that this thread was right on target.

Originally posted by Rebel Leader:
but how do I convince a man that I really would like to remain friends, but without the romantic direction?

That is a very difficult thing to do. Firstly, if you tried that on ANY Don Juan here, you can safely bet that they would not remain as friends and simply move on. Around here, we're told the simple principle "All Or Nothing".

However, with your typical guy, this may be slightly easier to achieve. An AFC is going to give you all those lines like "Give me a chance" and "I don't give up that easily" and this is (naturally) to be expected from them. For while a DJ sees that it is "all or nothing" and will choose "nothing", the AFC is still determined (and deluded) into thinking there is still a chance and will continue for "ALL".

This is a delicate situation. If you are too strong in giving the LJBF ("lets just be friends") line, then he will be hurt and leave for good. Too weak an arguement from you will give the guy a shred of hope - and he will continue to pursue you.

All I can suggest is that, when you come to ending things, be sure to tell the guy that things will be better off this way, and that the only choices he has are either to keep you as a friend or lose you completely.

This is the best advice I can offer you from my perspective. I can't say I have experience at relationships with guys - and I'll be damned if that ever happens!! lol.

Originally posted by Don the Legend:
Any thoughts on time spent, what should be said?

From experience, I can say that you should end things swiftly. The strongest arguements have the least words, as the saying goes. You should make your case for breaking up simple and quick - with the smallest time-frame that you can. The longer you are there, the harder things will be for both of you. This means that you are going to have to PLAN what you will have to say. Do not let her interrupt you until you get it all out.

You should ALWAYS break up in person and in private. No phone calls, no "Dear John" letters, and not in front of all her friends and/or family. If you to this one-on-one, this will help you be a real man until the very end (as stated in the initial post).

You should try to make things end "on a high-note". This shouldn't be anything elaborate, expensive, or needlessly excessive. But it should allow for the two of you to end things mutually - so that when the both of you part as a couple, you will both be feeling fairly good about how it went. this "high-note" can be anything that the two of you liked doing together. Trust me, if you know your woman, you'll know what to do/where to go to make this successful.

When you are actually telling her that it has to end, there are a few things you should avoid saying:

- It's not you, it's me. This line is unbelievable at best. Saying that will not make her feel any less affection for you, and can often make her suspicious about why you're breaking up - which won't help you two stay as friends.

- I love you, but I'm not in love with you. This doesn't change HER feelings for you much at all. This does not give her a reason why, and can be contradictory to how you acted in the relationship.

- There's someone else. Seriously, you'll never keep her as a friend with that line!!! NEVER say that one, even if it IS the truth.

Now, the important part - what MUST be said.

1/ Tell her what went wrong in the relationship. Be careful to tone this down a lot. Let her know WHY you're breaking up with her, and be very careful when you do this. At the very least, you owe her an explanation.

2/ Let her know that, while you won't be together as a couple, she still means something to you, and you would like to keep her as a friend. Tell her that even though she isn't "the one" for you, she is still a good person and you'd still enjoy her company and friendship.

3/ If she objects to this, and starts trying to "reason" with you that you shouldn't leave her - remind her that a relationship is a 2-way thing, and if you went back with her there would be a good chance things would fall apart in the future, and you'd run the risk of hurting her - and you don't want that to happen. (This one always seems to go down well!)

You will have to put this all together in your own way, but this is the general outline of how you should go about keeping her as a friend/social proof. It is, naturally, open to some alterations and individualism as you see fit.

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The Human Body Is A Fragile Thing, But The Human Soul Can NEVER Be Truly Broken.

"Now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb." - Rick Moranis, "SpaceBalls"

[This message has been edited by Nine Breaker (edited 02-12-2002).]

[This message has been edited by Nine Breaker (edited 02-12-2002).]

 

[cyclonus]

I find..that for some girls..its possible for me to remain friends..and for others..it isn't. Depends on the girl..i usually try to remain friends..but do need some space first. Sometimes breaking CLEANLY is important.

-cyc

 

[Rebel Leader]

I think I got it, Nine Breaker.

Correct me if I'm wrong -- for best chances at maintaining a friendship after experimenting with romance:

For an AFC, I say "friends or nothing".
For a DJ, I wait until HE breaks it off.

 

[Nine Breaker]

That is the general idea, Rebel Leader, yes.

However, do not be surprised if an AFC will choose "nothing". In most cases, this guy will likely choose to stay as friends.

As for a DJ, this is a bit harder. If he breaks with you, and as long as its a good break-up, the two of you should remain friends. But if you are really dissatisfied with the relationship then don't wait for him to end things. Keeping a friend is not worth it if you have to spend time together in total misery.

Then again, how bad can a Don Juan be?

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The Human Body Is A Fragile Thing, But The Human Soul Can NEVER Be Truly Broken.

"Now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb." - Rick Moranis, "SpaceBalls"

 

[Don the Legend]

Thanks Nine for your helpful words.

I will definitely have a better game plan next time this situation arises.

Take Care,

Legend

 

[UltimateScoundrel]

Its nice to see such an interesting spin on things


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Sarcastic Sardonic Irreverent Impertinent Exasperating Disrespectful and Charming. This is the way of the scoundrel

 

[Raoul]

Nine Breaker,

Thanks for a great post. Excellent advice here.

- Raoul

 

[dorian_gray-from.usa]

Originally posted by Nine Breaker:
Ever wonder what the heck you should do with a woman that has worn-out her welcome with you?

Going from AFC to Stud-trainee is what every
man who is reading this website is working on...

So this topic is one that needs to be brought up. In fact I have been using this website's advice and
I have been improving my outlook with life.

I have one tip to share. When you have a more-than-a-friendship, you can - no you must- keep talking to other women. Get their #'s and call, date them.

You will feel 'dirty' for two-timing your current woman. But if you have other options, you can still feel good about phasing out of your bad current relationship that is not working for you = meaning her actions don't bring peace to your life.

Getting involved with other women helps ease the burdens of a crazy women, and it seems to feel good to have many other viable prospects:

The new me: I am going out with and keeping contact four different women -- this is a total shift in thinking, and action.

But when you take this important step, it frees the mind to see and not be personally hurt when your current woman is not ready or is flaky.



[This message has been edited by dorian_gray-from.usa (edited 02-18-2002).]

[This message has been edited by dorian_gray-from.usa (edited 02-18-2002).]

 

[Don Scotta]

I have a little insight on this topic. I just recently broke up with my girlfriend of a year and a half. It was actually a really good relationship, we never fought really.

Problem is, I figured out a few things when we were going out. First off, I'm only 20. (I've mentioned this somewhere before, but thought it applied well to this topic). I realized I didn't want to be with one person from now until forever, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to move out with her. And, if you're not sure, then don't.

It was the hardest thing I've probably ever done, but I was honest with her when I ended it. I told her my reasons, as stated above. I told her that people who get together at this age never stay together. If they do they are old bitter grumpy mo fo's (im sure there are a few exceptions).

I did it in private/in person. Problem is, she broke down crying so hard I couldn't follow through. But, a week later, I did it again, and said I had to stick to it or I'd just break up with her again next weekend.

Been about 3 weeks now, she loves me and hates me. But, I don't think I could have done it a better way, no matter how hurt she is. We say we're gonna try to be friends, maybe someday we can, not now though, too soon. Honestly, I don't think it will work because I know it will drive her crazy to be around me and not be with me (what my ex-ex girlfriend told me).

Oh, and one piece of advice, if you get dumped, do not, I repeat do not! get back with that person no matter how much you love them. It will never be the same! (I'm sure there is an exception somewhere, so noone flame me about how this isn't true

).

When in doubt, jerk it out.. --Mind of a Married Man

 

[~The_Chosen~]

Originally posted by Rebel Leader:
It's good to know that some folks can be friends after romance. I'm having a heck of a time getting there. I don't want to take your thread too far from your intention, but how do I convince a man that I really would like to remain friends, but without the romantic direction? What I hear is, "I don't give up that easily," or, "I have a lot of patience -- I'll wait you out," or, "Give me a chance to show you -- I know I can win you over."

I'll start a new post if this is too far off topic.

LoL, I know what you mean, recently my ex just talked to me about how guys tell her that.

Ninebreaker: Me and my ex broke up on kinda bad terms, distance broke it. Now we are 'close friends'. Not friends as in, I don't want anything romantic with you ever again. close as in we still have that 'connection' between each other. Right now all her friends have interest in me and soon will like me, then pressure will be on her and she'll want me back.

It's fun showing her I'm the real man and taking all her friends from her and letting them fall for me. Shows dominance and power.


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~The_Chosen~ has spoken...

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is just not an act but a habit." - Aristotle

Judge a man by his questions and not his answers.

 

[Aiken_Drum]

Originally posted by Nine Breaker:

3/ She cheated on you: If she cheated on you, you dump her like diarrhoea - fast and as painfully as you want!! Never forgive a cheater, and never associate with a woman who cheated on you.

If she cheated on you blatantly and you don´t wanna see her again, just call her and yell "BIIIITTCH!!!".
You´ll fell better

.

 

[Page]

Good to know this... this was a part that was glossed over during my DJ training.

Before I just told her

"I've been giving this some thought, and I don't think that this is going to work. We should just be friends from now on."

Damn, I love using chick's own LJBF lines against them. They all know what it really means (as do we) so I have yet to be stalked by an ex. It cuts the relationship off nice and clean.

 

[DJinArizona]

This is a great post and I know it works because so far I've had 3 ex's hook me up with hot friends after the breakup. Another thing to keep in mind is that if you start getting vibes that she is going to end it, then you must jump the gun and do it first! The main reason for this is that it hurts much less when you do it. If your gut tells you she's going to pull the plug, it's probably right. Since women do the dumping 90% of the time, turn the tables on her and dump her... but NICELY, as explained in this post.

The other benefit of dumping first... this comes into play if there's any chance of things working out with you later on:
1. If she dumps you, you're an automatic AFC and chances are slim to none that she'll ever come crawling back.
2. If you dump her the correct way, 99% of the time she'll at least try to stay in touch, and will usually call and ask you out sooner or later.

Another thing I've found is to take a "break" from each other. When you're having relationship problems that seem huge, tell her that taking a week or two apart from each other will allow you both to clear your minds and come back to the problem with the right attitude to try and fix it. Also, when you're apart, if you miss each other then you know it's worth another try. If you don't miss each other, well then it's easy to walk away and you know it wasn't going to work out anyway.

When on your "break," you shouldn't cheat, but get out and flirt with other women and even maybe get some numbers and set up dates. If you forget about your girlfriend completely when you're talking to other women, then you know it's over and it's time to move on. And having those rebound girls lined up makes it a lot easier!

 

[WampaLord]

Hehehe, just noticing something.

We're a hypocritical bunch.

"If she cheated on you, dump her hard!!"

Meanwhile HOW many posts are there with "How do I get her to cheat on her boyfriend?"

Not complaining, just saying to be a bit more understanding with other people's relationships.

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Whenever you gamble, eventually you lose.

 

[Awkward]

bump

 

[TBR]

Can someone put that in the bible?

I might need it in a couple of month? I want it to find it then. Hehe.