Emotionally Unavailable approach

[Starting]

Hello, sosuave

Lately I have been thinking that many girls now a days are extremely attracted to emotionally unavailable men. Mainly because the man is in another relationship or is not interested, not ready to commit ect.

My question is how do emotionally unavailable men approach women? Do they seem interested at first and digress? And why do women seem to chase these type of men?

Dark triad trait? If so, I want to learn.

 

[BeExcellent]

What's your angle? There are men here who would fit this description and a couple of women (myself included) that may be able to offer some insight. Perhaps @Asmodeus or @Ronaldo7 can elaborate.

Certainly some might say don't approach at all & let the women come to you (but this will depend on your particular draw.)

I'm myself seeing a man who could be described as emotionally unavailable. Been seeing him for about 15 months or so. I was looking for a plutonic social dancing partner online and we met that way (he approached me initially online as someone who also enjoys dancing.) He noted in the initial exchange that plutonic "works for him" since he misses female companionship but isn't looking for a relationship. Very transparent right off the bat.

There needs to be attraction to one degree or another to dance well with someone, so we met up to chat. When he walked in the plutonic thing went out the window (for both of us). We ended up going to a dance venue and chatting instead of dancing. Ended up being the best first date of my life. In fact we have yet to go dancing at all. It's rather ironic.

I don't think you would approach any differently than you normally would.

What you do however, it is set firm boundaries about the expectations in the interaction. It also depends on what the woman is looking for. If she wants a LTR or marriage things will get rocky fast. In my case I have children, an ex, several businesses, and a busy life. I also live far away from the man I see. This works well for me since I don't necessarily want marriage again.

He makes time for me when I am in his area (even if it means a couple of hours drive for him each way), and there are no entanglements for me where I live, and no entanglements for him where he lives, has family & does business. Who either of us sees or what we do outside our interactions are none of the other person's business.

Neither of us has ever asked in any way about what the other person is doing when we are not together, although we both tend to reassure the other about things (example, this past Sat. his phone pinged at 3am on the bedside table. I heard it but said nothing. Obviously it could be someone else that he sees or his ex-wife who he may still have some involvement with - none of my affair...but in the morning he made a point to tell me it was his 18 year old son getting home late & letting him know. True? It doesn't matter. My point is he made an effort at least to allay any insecurities I may have had, but without me asking for that reassurance.) True or not this is a kind gesture...and I of course would never look at his phone, I take him at face value.

Now this arrangement would not work so well if I was insecure in any way. He is a high SMV man with options. I have options too. I personally think each of us appreciates that we are an unusually good match and we enjoy one another a great deal when we are together; we are an attractive couple when we are out socially, and we just fit. But neither is pushing the other for anything since life has its constraints and neither of us is going to uproot children & move cross country. We don't have touchy feely conversations. We don't fight or argue (although we disagree about some things.)

I have told him I love him (I do) but I love him from a standpoint that I give freely and without expectation. He is free to go at any time. He does not tell me how he feels but his actions show me that he likes me and cares for me. He is warm and protective, he treats me with kindness and respect (I finally was able to talk him into me buying him dinner the other night, I asked permission, he acquiesced - he typically insists on paying.)

He will share emotionally now at times but we are more than a year in and have become friends at the very least. I introduce him as a friend to others. I assume that he is not interested in a "relationship" (even though we are sort of in one anyway) unless he tells me differently. He is not the sort of man to pressure. He also is recently divorced from a very wealthy BPD woman who is the mother of his children so he has ridden the crazy train and she still tries to exert control over aspects of his affairs.

He has commented about how nice it is to spend time with an accomplished, sexy, stable woman without the drama...but it is not lost on me at all that some men crave drama and he may not have that need met with me. He has narcissistic tendencies to be sure, but things are in a nice place.

He remains emotionally aloof, very private. I tend to be more emotionally aloof than many women and as I noted this works well for the two of us, but its not for everyone.

Where women run into problems is in thinking they are going to "fix" or "rescue" or change a man who is emotionally unavailable. It is always better to be cool with the way things are rather than setting about making things meet some set of expectations or fantasy land that someone sets up in their mind. I've seen men do it too. Then the fantasy gets dashed on the rocks of reality. Much better to start off in reality, enjoy the ride, but stay rooted in reality rather than fantasy land.

This requires a pragmatic approach, something only an emotionally mature and/or detached person can muster.

 

[Starting]

What's your angle? There are men here who would fit this description and a couple of women (myself included) that may be able to offer some insight. Perhaps @Asmodeus or @Ronaldo7 can elaborate.

Certainly some might say don't approach at all & let the women come to you (but this will depend on your particular draw.)

I'm myself seeing a man who could be described as emotionally unavailable. Been seeing him for about 15 months or so. I was looking for a plutonic social dancing partner online and we met that way (he approached me initially online as someone who also enjoys dancing.) He noted in the initial exchange that plutonic "works for him" since he misses female companionship but isn't looking for a relationship. Very transparent right off the bat.

There needs to be attraction to one degree or another to dance well with someone, so we met up to chat. When he walked in the plutonic thing went out the window (for both of us). We ended up going to a dance venue and chatting instead of dancing. Ended up being the best first date of my life. In fact we have yet to go dancing at all. It's rather ironic.

I don't think you would approach any differently than you normally would.

What you do however, it is set firm boundaries about the expectations in the interaction. It also depends on what the woman is looking for. If she wants a LTR or marriage things will get rocky fast. In my case I have children, an ex, several businesses, and a busy life. I also live far away from the man I see. This works well for me since I don't necessarily want marriage again.

He makes time for me when I am in his area (even if it means a couple of hours drive for him each way), and there are no entanglements for me where I live, and no entanglements for him where he lives, has family & does business. Who either of us sees or what we do outside our interactions are none of the other person's business.

Neither of us has ever asked in any way about what the other person is doing when we are not together, although we both tend to reassure the other about things (example, this past Sat. his phone pinged at 3am on the bedside table. I heard it but said nothing. Obviously it could be someone else that he sees or his ex-wife who he may still have some involvement with - none of my affair...but in the morning he made a point to tell me it was his 18 year old son getting home late & letting him know. True? It doesn't matter. My point is he made an effort at least to allay any insecurities I may have had, but without me asking for that reassurance.) True or not this is a kind gesture...and I of course would never look at his phone, I take him at face value.

Now this arrangement would not work so well if I was insecure in any way. He is a high SMV man with options. I have options too. I personally think each of us appreciates that we are an unusually good match and we enjoy one another a great deal when we are together; we are an attractive couple when we are out socially, and we just fit. But neither is pushing the other for anything since life has its constraints and neither of us is going to uproot children & move cross country. We don't have touchy feely conversations. We don't fight or argue (although we disagree about some things.)

I have told him I love him (I do) but I love him from a standpoint that I give freely and without expectation. He is free to go at any time. He does not tell me how he feels but his actions show me that he likes me and cares for me. He is warm and protective, he treats me with kindness and respect (I finally was able to talk him into me buying him dinner the other night, I asked permission, he acquiesced - he typically insists on paying.)

He will share emotionally now at times but we are more than a year in and have become friends at the very least. I introduce him as a friend to others. I assume that he is not interested in a "relationship" (even though we are sort of in one anyway) unless he tells me differently. He is not the sort of man to pressure. He also is recently divorced from a very wealthy BPD woman who is the mother of his children so he has ridden the crazy train and she still tries to exert control over aspects of his affairs.

He has commented about how nice it is to spend time with an accomplished, sexy, stable woman without the drama...but it is not lost on me at all that some men crave drama and he may not have that need met with me. He has narcissistic tendencies to be sure, but things are in a nice place.

He remains emotionally aloof, very private. I tend to be more emotionally aloof than many women and as I noted this works well for the two of us, but its not for everyone.

Where women run into problems is in thinking they are going to "fix" or "rescue" or change a man who is emotionally unavailable. It is always better to be cool with the way things are rather than setting about making things meet some set of expectations or fantasy land that someone sets up in their mind. I've seen men do it too. Then the fantasy gets dashed on the rocks of reality. Much better to start off in reality, enjoy the ride, but stay rooted in reality rather than fantasy land.

This requires a pragmatic approach, something only an emotionally mature and/or detached person can muster.

Very interesting post. I was very much like this when I first met my BPDex and im slowly coming back to this emotionally unavailable state again. Opening up to her was a big mistake that I regret everyday.

I do miss female companionship but I don't want a relationship but it's hard for me to approach women when I don't have any to little interest but have to (act like I do) showering them with compliments just to get female companionship, only to drive them away (only takes a few days). Maybe my approach is bad. It's really frustrating.

Guess I should do my approaches a bit similar as to that of your lover.

I do believe women who chase after men like me are insecure in some ways. They secretly crave that love that we hold back. But once we do, it only goes downhill.

 

[Sho-No-Luv]

Yep, I've tried it but usually as duly noted in Be Excellent summise above women normally end up falling for guys like this. My usual spill when the conversation arises is to just tell them that: "I've never been in love so I don't, can't or won't trust myself to fully commit to ANY woman". It normally works like a charm. But lately I've been meeting strange females..

 

[El Payaso]

EU men rarely approach.

 

[BeExcellent]

Guess I should do my approaches a bit similar as to that of your lover.

I do believe women who chase after men like me are insecure in some ways.

It's interesting. I agree women who chase emotionally unavailable men are typically seeking something egocentric or they are coming from an insecure place. These are women who try and convince a man to "pick me! pick me!" as some sort of validation...external validation that fills a need they have and has nothing to do with the man in question.

For a woman like myself who is internally validated there is no need to "chase". My lover reaches out to me at his convenience. It might be a few days. I wait. When he reaches out I respond when it is convenient for me, which may or may not be right away. But he keeps in touch regularly at his initiation, he calls on occasion (I never call him), and he always clears space in his schedule and figures out a way to see me when I am around, which I appreciate.

I will say (for the benefit of the men who may be reading this) there have been times when I have thought to myself, OK, perhaps that's it. I've not heard anything in a little while...and then he is in touch - so it is good push/pull in very subtle way. If this is conscious "game" he is absolutely expert, and has completely tight internal game.

In my opinion he is still recovering from his marriage. He is still healing. That is a journey and process he has to go through individually at his own pace. I am grateful for the opportunity to support him through it when he does open up and I give him tons of space otherwise.

The other interesting piece as I look at it is that I am over the initial infatuation and rush that was there in the beginning few months. In its place is a respect and consistent attraction that I would characterize as smoldering, warm & natural.

As for approaching, may I suggest finding some activity you like to do, be it dancing or cycling or boating, community theatre, or get involved in a charity or a political campaign or a cause of some sort. In such an environment you'll find other people, including women, who have a mutual interest, which will provide a natural launching point for conversation. If you find someone you like ask them to do the activity one on one. Go from there in an organic way and be open about what you are (and are not) willing to entertain as far as relationship status.

Seduction is a dance. A languid, beautiful dance. I am an expert player of the game myself. I relish and respect that my lover may be better at it even than I, which is at once challenging and refreshing...and which I need in order for my interest to be held.

 

[CuddleJunkie]

I'm on the same boat friend. For me, it's more a problem of building comfort as I don't like to open up. As the approach goes, I've been using social circles and activity groups, as you have already been suggested.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

The most success I've had with women is when I am able to control my emotions. When I have let them get the better of me, it's ultimately resulted in failure, pretty much every time.

I wouldn't say don't approach though. You might be waiting around forever for a woman to approach you; you also don't know how many good things you are allowing to pass you by. It's really less to do with the logistics of approaching and a whole lot more to do with how you handle yourself upon approach, and thereafter.

 

[Von]

Hello, sosuave

Lately I have been thinking that many girls now a days are extremely attracted to emotionally unavailable men. Mainly because the man is in another relationship or is not interested, not ready to commit ect.

My question is how do emotionally unavailable men approach women? Do they seem interested at first and digress? And why do women seem to chase these type of men?

Dark triad trait? If so, I want to learn.

From my perspective...

You have to learn to live with it and instropect your behaviour. Sometimes go against what your brain tells you.... just randomly for the approach.... and with time you start to understand women and the clues your body tell you/and she tells you that leads to the date/the lay/kiss....

After for me things go downhill... I become really distant... the prey has been hunted, or I am pushed to close myself again and become unavailable.

It's a tought spot but its managable.... learn to know yourself, build your life outside of women, find passions or interests, learn to love yourself.... For women... they will show up.... because you are a moving in your frame.

Having a fun life and being passionnate about YOU and your activities will automatically attract.... why women love unavailable men ? Maybe cause they looking for the challenge, the ''why he's not into me'', the same stuff guys in relationship experience.

Will you go for quality women? There is a possibility.... but if you are unavailable to open up... you usually seek or attract girls with huge emotional background (the trill to live something)

That's my 2cent. I consider myself unavailable emotionally, my dating life is pretty nice, got a great social circle, my activities are all passion related. Oh, I am in no rush of dating etc.... do I miss opportunities cause of my state? Of Course.... but my experience, my confidence allow me to get more than what I used to have (so I have progressed)....

Progress is what you want.

Now when I date, I straight tell them that I have a hard time to open up.... if they into me they seems not to care

 

[fastlife]

Very interesting post. I was very much like this when I first met my BPDex and im slowly coming back to this emotionally unavailable state again. Opening up to her was a big mistake that I regret everyday.

Couldn't possibly be a correlation there, right?

My question is how do emotionally unavailable men approach women? Do they seem interested at first and digress? And why do women seem to chase these type of men?

What kind of women?

I'm sure there are some women like @BeExcellent whose life circumstances dictate the need for a man who has built-in assurances against emotional over-entanglement (though being emotionally healthy and self-sufficient can produce similar results). But IME as a very emotionally unavailable guy--due to the need to suppress my emotions in the face of my parents' own emotional turbulence--there was a very specific type of girl I attracted: daddy issues, anxious, avoidant, negative associations attached to prior relationships, usually a closeted history (or future) of slvttiness, entanglements with men in committed relationships, cheating, on-and-off again relationships. Pretty much I had a pattern of being chased by women who exhibited Cluster B traits.

A huge part of my journey has been learning how to be emotionally present and to practice complete self-expression (for the sake of self-expression--I don't need these emotions validated or even acknowledged). Do I run off some of the types of women I previously attracted? Yeah, I do; and some of these women are beautiful and fun and it sucks when they leave--but I also attract higher quality women into my life, who are self-validated and whose life has enough purpose that they don't have the time, energy, or motivation to 'chase' devalidation. They allow me to pursue them and are receptive to my advances; but if I fall off the radar for a while they do their own thing and wait for me to come to them. Overall, it's a way healthier and more fulfilling way to live.

 

[Ronaldo7]

Hello, sosuave

Lately I have been thinking that many girls now a days are extremely attracted to emotionally unavailable men. Mainly because the man is in another relationship or is not interested, not ready to commit ect.

My question is how do emotionally unavailable men approach women? Do they seem interested at first and digress? And why do women seem to chase these type of men?

Dark triad trait? If so, I want to learn.

Shoot the gun with no feeling. If one involves feelings, one will lose. Women are emotional creatures. If one plays their game, one will always lose.

One has the advantage. Why? One is a rational being. Women believe they can change a man who portrays no emotions or feelings. That's the bait.

They believe THEY are SPECIAL. They believe they are the ONE.

One should be a wily politician. Do not say 'no' or 'yes'. Always leave a lingering possibility. Women will fervently cling to it. Caveat Emptor.

How does one approach women? See them for the purpose of copulation. Nothing more, nothing less.

Why do women chase? Simple. They want to be lulled, seduced and subsequently fvcked. It is a thrill. Don't get mistaken, they really do want this. They aren't as upfront about it.

Dark triad? Oh, definitely. Narcissism and Machiavellianism. Can't stress it enough. One will never, ever lose if one applies these. Encapsulate yourself into these concepts and one will bathe in the same aura of victory Hannibal received during the Second Punic War. There is no better feeling than copulating with a woman, leaving on to the next one and having her become so attached to you, while one simply thinks of how grand one's legend is shaping up to be.

 

[CuddleJunkie]

Shoot the gun with no feeling. If one involves feelings, one will lose. Women are emotional creatures. If one plays their game, one will always lose.

One has the advantage. Why? One is a rational being. Women believe they can change a man who portrays no emotions or feelings. That's the bait.

They believe THEY are SPECIAL. They believe they are the ONE.

One should be a wily politician. Do not say 'no' or 'yes'. Always leave a lingering possibility. Women will fervently cling to it. Caveat Emptor.

How does one approach women? See them for the purpose of copulation. Nothing more, nothing less.

Why do women chase? Simple. They want to be lulled, seduced and subsequently fvcked. It is a thrill. Don't get mistaken, they really do want this. They aren't as upfront about it.

Dark triad? Oh, definitely. Narcissism and Machiavellianism. Can't stress it enough. One will never, ever lose if one applies these. Encapsulate yourself into these concepts and one will bathe in the same aura of victory Hannibal received during the Second Punic War. There is no better feeling than copulating with a woman, leaving on to the next one and having her become so attached to you, while one simply thinks of how grand one's legend is shaping up to be.

I really like your approach Ronaldo7, and lately I find myself becoming DarkTriad myself, I'm totally losing my morality regarding women. Not that I want to treat them badly, but I just don't feel bad at all for not providing monogamy/comfort/whatever.

 

[Ronaldo7]

I really like your approach Ronaldo7, and lately I find myself becoming DarkTriad myself, I'm totally losing my morality regarding women. Not that I want to treat them badly, but I just don't feel bad at all for not providing monogamy/comfort/whatever.

@cola made a very interesting point regarding stoicism. I particularly liked the following quote: Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth. That's my response to morality. What is morality?

Remember this quote? "Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim."

Your morality is not taken into account when other individuals launch an attack towards you. Your limits are not limits to other individuals. What one won't do, others will not hesitate to.

Intercourse is a physical need. You aren't killing anyone or stealing anything, so what's morality? Both of you get satisfied physically.

If one would like to form a family and all, then the approach changes. However, i only want to extract physical relief from women.

The hero only wins in movies. The villain wins in real life.

 

[Asmodeus]

Hello, sosuave

Lately I have been thinking that many girls now a days are extremely attracted to emotionally unavailable men. Mainly because the man is in another relationship or is not interested, not ready to commit ect.

My question is how do emotionally unavailable men approach women? Do they seem interested at first and digress? And why do women seem to chase these type of men?

Dark triad trait? If so, I want to learn.

Me, I have no care about relationships at all. I approach women because I enjoy them. I enjoy sex, I enjoy the fun of having them around, I even enjoy game and trying new approaches and methods as it is like a science experience to me. And it they act up I enjoy mindfvcking them.

I approach women with complete confidence, fearlessness. I feel I have nothing to lose, and I can act with reckless abandon. Women are like toys to me. I love to have fun with them, when I am talking and flirting it is like a little game. I also escalate quicker... This confidence and playfulness makes women think I am very attentive. Women also LOVE that kind of personality. Think about it, due to my carefree fearlessness and not investing emotion I am practicing game almost naturally.

 

[Asmodeus]

I really like your approach Ronaldo7, and lately I find myself becoming DarkTriad myself, I'm totally losing my morality regarding women. Not that I want to treat them badly, but I just don't feel bad at all for not providing monogamy/comfort/whatever.

You can have casual unattached relationships with women and not be hurtful. Many young women are like this too before considering settling down. In fact being malicious hurts your chances, I have broken plate in episodes before. Don't do that...

There is nothing wrong with being morally flexible, the world is not black and white, only hues of grey. Why provide comfort and monogamy of it goes against your character? To your own self be true.

 

[zekko]

A lot of women are infatuated with emotionally unavailable men. The question you should ask yourself is why? Do they want the guy because he is emotionally available? Or do they want the guy because he has other attractive attributes - great physique, good looking, high status, etc. What I'm saying is that they may not be attracted to the guy because he's emotionally unavailable - they may have become attracted to the guy only to find out he was emotionally unavailable - and then it was too late.

Also, there's a difference between being emotionally unavailable, and being emotionally strong - in control of your emotions. I think the latter is far preferable, and women are attracted to strong men. There are some women, of course, who like men to be emotionally unavailable, although these women are most likely damaged in some way.