emotional distancing

[jhonny9546]

You've been in a LTR for three years, and everything has generally been fine. However, recently, you've noticed some changes in her behavior: things she didn’t do before.

She seems less interested, less feminine, more irritable, and anxious. She might blame you for minor issues, exaggerate her reactions to your assertive statements, or post quotes about relationships on social media.

It’s becoming clear: while she hasn’t physically cheated, emotionally she seems to be taking an interest in someone else.

In this situation, it’s important to stay calm, detached, and focused on yourself.
The relationship remains a priority and You don't eat her sh1t.

Interestingly, after behaving this way for three or four months, she might eventually "come back to herself", returning to the person she was during the first three years of your relationship when she met your standards and seemed "adequate" for you.

Reflecting on this pattern, has this happened repeatedly in your past relationships?
How much of this behavior do you consider normal, and how much of it do you view as a red flag?

 

[Barrister]

At 3 years you are firmly out of the honey moon phase. A lot of this is going to be simply a natural progression of an LTR. It is certainly a sort of watershed moment in most LTRs as to whether the two people are ready to move on OR whether they learn to adapt to a new kind of relationship. The rare ones can do that -- built on trust and mutual respect. Most don't.

In your scenario, the woman is clearly bored and looking for some excitement. If I am in the man in that relationship, my warning bells are going off. The problem is there is very little you can do except use dread game to temporarily relieve the issue -- but that is just it, it is temporary. She will keep gravitating back to wondering what else is out there. As hard as it is, it likely signals it is just time to eject altogether if you are getting this from her at 3 years.

 

[jhonny9546]

The rare ones can do that -- built on trust and mutual respect. Most don't.

Hmm I agree!
We can also say that they will adapt in other cases too.
Now, let's say that the woman has had a bad experience with her "monkeybranching try"
Obviously she will go back to her old man, "adapting", to "grow" together in the relationship.
This is what you see from the outside and say "Oh look they're going strong togheter"... but in truth the relationship has been over for a long time.
It's also equivalent when those couples get the first or second child to "bind" the relationship again. This doesn't work.

But I do understand what you mean by rare, but that rare, is very very rare.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

The US Marines have a couple of mantras I think apply here:

One is "Adapt and Overcome".

Life is dynamic, people are dynamic, relationships are dynamic. Is your relationship with your mom the same as it was when you were 5? Of course not.

You have changed into today's version of yourself. Your mom has changed too, into today's version of herself.

One of the big things in an LTR (or marriage) is that people are always changing - and more often than not people are not growing/changing/developing at the same pace. Sometimes one is way ahead or behind the other. This creates conflicts inherent to the relationship. Ok. Now what?

A healthy relationship adapts to and overcomes these changes and gives grace to the partner in the process. But it requires some kindness, patience & humility between the people in the interaction to do this. It requires a level of committment.

The second mantra is this:

"Find the 70% solution".

Often in life things occur that are time sensitive. Other times something completely whack happens that you were not anticipating. There is not always time, resources or opportunity to craft the perfect, 100% checks all the boxes solution. It might not exist; it might take years to find or perfect (dating can be this way at times). Sometimes life has crises and stressors we cannot completely control, that's how life is.

How do you deal with that? Prioritize what is most important and get those boxes checked. Be willing to accept an imperfect solution at times in order to accomplish a greater goal.

These things apply in relationships where two people respond differently to stimuli and have different thresholds for life stresses.

The key thing in my book in the situation described by OP is assume nothing; conversate in a neutral way before making assumptions.

Assuming makes an ass out of u and me. Remember that.

And sometimes relationships run their course as two people are no longer aligned; so not discounting the feedback others have provided.

 

[plumber]

this depends on the environment. sometimes people/couples will just move to another place and then its better, or worse.

where you go, who you hang with, what activities you do, all of these are part of it. if the gals are all mostly traditional values in the environment she likely will group think with them and also follow that.

for the problems to happen there has to be another option that is being presented. and it has to be ok in her mind to ALLOW that. most men do hunt women in one way or another. if she is around them enough they will get to her.

we can try to create an environment that is more traditional. but.. we have to step up and do the mans part.

she usually won't get hunted, if she is not in the hunting grounds.

this is different than being controlling, it is about situational awareness and paying attention to things.

if she wants to go hunt or be hunted you can't do much and its over. but if she is left in the hunting grounds over and over and often by us, then shame on us.

 

[jhonny9546]

but if she is left in the hunting grounds over and over and often by us, then shame on us.

This makes sense, but then they tell you that you are controlling because of this, and not that you are working towards a goal in the relationship.
If you don't let her go to the disco with her friends every Friday night then you are controlling.
But you already know what she is going to do when she comes back a little lucid at 3 in the morning

 

[DJ Novice]

After 3 years hedonic adaptation has well and truly set in.

If you guy have no interest in raising a family or aren’t married/have kids, I would hit the eject button. Life is too short to be in an unsatisfying relationship and (as a guy) to not experience as much variety in women as you can before you make a long term commitment.

If you don’t fall into this category, you need to weigh up the pros and cons of divorce/separation. Often ending the relationship provides emotional relief but much financial pain.

 

[jhonny9546]

If you guy have no interest in raising a family or aren’t married/have kids

Yes I see this very often: the relationship is at a standstill so they have children to progress.. 1, 2, 3, then the couple understands that it was not the children that filled the void, but that the relationship was practically over...
It's like diluting the broth with water.

I don't think this is a valid solution. SO many couples are caged in their toxic relationship because of their sons

 

[plumber]

This makes sense, but then they tell you that you are controlling because of this, and not that you are working towards a goal in the relationship.
If you don't let her go to the disco with her friends every Friday night then you are controlling.
But you already know what she is going to do when she comes back a little lucid at 3 in the morning

you understand perfectly!! she wants to go to the disco and and get attention. the girls are getting together so that they can be getting attention at the same time have an excuse of each other for doing it. they often will get animated and even call out to the guys to come to them. That is the hunting ground. You are controlling to tell her you do not like it. BTW: she already knows. She is getting hunted in the hunting ground. Not the girl you want because she is doing what you don't like and hanging out in the hunting ground. If the two of you went together and that is also silly for another reason... you don't leave without her. You don't leave her with your friends often while you go do something else... that is also the hunting ground.

at a very rude level, insisting not to be cucked is controlling.

maybe you both go to different venue and its an open relationship.

don't boss her around, do move on if she does not behave how you want. its simple.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Advice from the old lady:

The US Marines have a couple of mantras I think apply here:

One is "Adapt and Overcome".

Life is dynamic, people are dynamic, relationships are dynamic. Is your relationship with your mom the same as it was when you were 5? Of course not.

You have changed into today's version of yourself. Your mom has changed too, into today's version of herself.

One of the big things in an LTR (or marriage) is that people are always changing - and more often than not people are not growing/changing/developing at the same pace. Sometimes one is way ahead or behind the other. This creates conflicts inherent to the relationship. Ok. Now what?

A healthy relationship adapts to and overcomes these changes and gives grace to the partner in the process. But it requires some kindness, patience & humility between the people in the interaction to do this. It requires a level of committment.

The second mantra is this:

"Find the 70% solution".

Often in life things occur that are time sensitive. Other times something completely whack happens that you were not anticipating. There is not always time, resources or opportunity to craft the perfect, 100% checks all the boxes solution. It might not exist; it might take years to find or perfect (dating can be this way at times). Sometimes life has crises and stressors we cannot completely control, that's how life is.

How do you deal with that? Prioritize what is most important and get those boxes checked. Be willing to accept an imperfect solution at times in order to accomplish a greater goal.

These things apply in relationships where two people respond differently to stimuli and have different thresholds for life stresses.

The key thing in my book in the situation described by OP is assume nothing; conversate in a neutral way before making assumptions.

Assuming makes an ass out of u and me. Remember that.

And sometimes relationships run their course as two people are no longer aligned; so not discounting the feedback others have provided.

I think this place is mostly bots by now. It certainly doesn't deserve the very real and underrepresented voice you bring to the table.

 

[BeExcellent]

I think this place is mostly bots by now. It certainly doesn't deserve the very real and underrepresented voice you bring to the table.

You may be right. That is very kind @Bible_Belt. You have been here longer than I and I have always appreciated your contributions.

Logical Lefty too. Whatever happened to him?

 

[jhonny9546]

don't boss her around

Not this, but when I hear that she does something I don't like, "going out to parties with friends", I could answer that it's not LTR behavior, because I know that things happen out there, and I could tell her that if she wants she can go but at a cost, or choose a more peaceful "afternoon aperitif".
Nowadays the gym has become a problem, imagine if your ltr tells you that she is going to a night out with friends

@BeExcellent this is a question for an entire topic. You must have a good perspective and experiences to share on it https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/are-relationships-forged-by-disrespect.283957/#post-3155370

 

[New_Journey]

You've been in a LTR for three years, and everything has generally been fine. However, recently, you've noticed some changes in her behavior: things she didn’t do before.

She seems less interested, less feminine, more irritable, and anxious. She might blame you for minor issues, exaggerate her reactions to your assertive statements, or post quotes about relationships on social media.

It’s becoming clear: while she hasn’t physically cheated, emotionally she seems to be taking an interest in someone else.

In this situation, it’s important to stay calm, detached, and focused on yourself.
The relationship remains a priority and You don't eat her sh1t.

Interestingly, after behaving this way for three or four months, she might eventually "come back to herself", returning to the person she was during the first three years of your relationship when she met your standards and seemed "adequate" for you.

Reflecting on this pattern, has this happened repeatedly in your past relationships?
How much of this behavior do you consider normal, and how much of it do you view as a red flag?

This obviously your fault, not hers, but you. You became complacent. It is inevitable, when men only is committed to a woman he likes, it will happen eventually. Its just human nature. You are in the stages of her losing respect for you, exactly what happened to me, but I knew what was happening because of my red pill awareness, it is impossible to not become complacent, you just can't hustle forever.

The only thing salvable is your self-respect.

You need to be strong end the relationship and focus on improving your mindset. I recommend you the book Dread - Rian Stone. Those changes need to be internalize. At the beginning you'll want those changes to show her that you changed. Don't even think about it, you would not be back with her, but man, you better get your d!ck ready, cause you are gonna fvck like you've never done before.

Brother, I was there, believe me, fear is preventing you from reaching the other side, I'll tell you, its beautiful, you have never seen something like this, like it happened to me

Women offering you money, offering you the life, offering you sex, begging to be with you, you selecting among them for who to spend the nigh. Now, this requires sweat, blood and tears, and its an uphill battle, you are young, you'll gonna make it. Send me a PM

 

[jhonny9546]

Don't even think about it, you would not be back with her,

I know what happens next in both cases, that is, whether the relationship is maintained or if it crumbles.

In the case that it is maintained, I wonder how the relationship evolves, because that emotional detachment is totally feasible and could happen, and be temporary. It is natural and human. Up to a certain point.

And if it were to rebuild, at what level would it do so..

 

[plumber]

Not this, but when I hear that she does something I don't like, "going out to parties with friends", I could answer that it's not LTR behavior, because I know that things happen out there, and I could tell her that if she wants she can go but at a cost, or choose a more peaceful "afternoon aperitif".
Nowadays the gym has become a problem, imagine if your ltr tells you that she is going to a night out with friends

@BeExcellent this is a question for an entire topic. You must have a good perspective and experiences to share on it https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/are-relationships-forged-by-disrespect.283957/#post-3155370

so if it is an existing behavior, she always or often does this. then you should not have moved into ltr status, if you don't like it. if its s new behavior there is a reason why.

here is the thing, she can be incent of any bad intent, or i mean the intent to get hunted. but... if she is in the hunting ground she will get hunted. plenty of threads in SS about this. stealing an ltr is nothing new. i mean, would you send your daughter, if not then why agree to the ltr doing it.

its fun for her to have attention, just like it is for you to get it.

couples that succeed avoid the hunting ground. and that.. is why you find better ltr in other venues.

yes the gym is a problem, just review SS threads. every guy is thinking about hunting any girl in the gym. especially those guys that have worked hard enough to have strong hormonal balance. its just natural....

 

[Giovanni SouthSide]

12-18 months will get rid of the "honeymoon phase" and you are able to see the cracks in the mask and the relationship that you have with her way before the 36 months. Time is money especially in this economy.

You should not be reloading another bullet in the chamber to fire the same way you did last time.

Women are reactionary to us, meaning that they can't do sh!t by themselves because they need us to initiate for them. If you make the relationship about her then you are giving her power over you to become that man-eater and she will most definitely chew and spit your ass out, as would any woman, and as you would deserve.

If the relationship was solely about you and your happiness (the way it should be) then it wouldn't matter if she's acting out or not because ultimately she is submitting to your frame.
You need to know how to teach your girl how to love you and take care of you.
If she's amenable to leadership and your lessons, you're more likely to have the thing you want and not a chick who will entertain another man’s attention when your back is turned.

Her reaction to your dominance would be submission, and not some subterfuge that keeps you awake at night wondering if you trusted the right person with the keys to your happiness.

Happiness comes from you and you alone. Your concern over if the female is acting or not is in fact a manifestation of your gut's awareness in knowing that you've given another person the power to control your happiness and your balls.

I got this personal scripture, you should not love a woman because of how you feel about her, but because of how she makes you feel about yourself.

Do an honest self-audit. Matter of fact, look deep into your soul and identify where you are lacking. Work on your inner game.