Embrace the Hate?

[Trump]

However, girls at my work are not big fans. They are of the same rank as me and there is some hidden grudge that is noticeable. Yes, I am better at my job than a lot of them, but that goes for guys too and I have no problem with any of the guys. I've asked some of my good guy friends if these girls have mentioned a problem, but they also have no idea.

My thinking is: I sometimes try too hard to get people to like me and it doesn't work. Will doing the very opposite reap positive results?

The fact that you are talking to your good guy friends about why girls don't like you means you are emotionally involved. They haven't even done anything to you and have got you thinking about them. That is POWER.

You can't control what girls think about you or how they react. You can only focus on yourself and see if they respond positively or negatively.

 

[Zerro]

But I've also had women tell me they love how the big guy can throw them around in the bedroom.

If more women would lose some weight then they wouldn't need such a big guy to throw them around.

 

[Mike32ct]

If more women would lose some weight then they wouldn't need such a big guy to throw them around.

Haha true.

 

[The LadyKiller]

I waited about a month before updating so there would be time to see any possible effects of "embracing the hate." As you guys suggested, I remained kind/civil to the girls I work with, but would not go out of my way to initiate anything or react to anyone's "hate." Well, when it came to me and girls at work...

From a pure work standpoint, I have this down to a T. One of my newer shifts requires overseeing fellow peers - some of which are HB's (same position, but who have been here for a shorter time). I rarely run into any conflicts. The closest came a few weeks ago...a HB decided to talk to some guy orbiters instead of do her work; I shut her out the rest of the day (not anything blunt, but I gave people who wanted to work the prime assignments while she toiled with basic things.) The next shift, she was a model worker. I'm fair, but I think they know that I don't tolerate BS and any antics they try won't affect me or the workflow. To put it briefly, girls don't even attempt irritating the buzzsaw that is The LadyKiller's work efficiency.

From a personal standpoint, not so much. Ok, nothing bad happened. But...nothing has happened. Still some icy stares. Still girls keeping the conversations brief/professional. Nothing has changed. Last week, a couple of my friends asked if I was going to "the party." I had no idea what they were talking about. They said a couple girls we know were celebrating their birthdays and e-mailed a bunch of people seeing who was around to celebrate. Conveniently, the e-mail list included my friends (the ones the girls know) but not me. Now, I couldn't go anyway due to a late shift at work, but I think the point here is clear - things are going nowhere socially. For these girls, small talk is fine, but elevating to medium talk is a no-no.

While I am "embracing the hate" and not letting it affect my demeanor or performance, it'd be nice for these girls to open up socially, even a little bit.

 

[Zerro]

I waited about a month before updating so there would be time to see any possible effects of "embracing the hate." As you guys suggested, I remained kind/civil to the girls I work with, but would not go out of my way to initiate anything or react to anyone's "hate." Well, when it came to me and girls at work...

From a pure work standpoint, I have this down to a T. One of my newer shifts requires overseeing fellow peers - some of which are HB's (same position, but who have been here for a shorter time). I rarely run into any conflicts. The closest came a few weeks ago...a HB decided to talk to some guy orbiters instead of do her work; I shut her out the rest of the day (not anything blunt, but I gave people who wanted to work the prime assignments while she toiled with basic things.) The next shift, she was a model worker. I'm fair, but I think they know that I don't tolerate BS and any antics they try won't affect me or the workflow. To put it briefly, girls don't even attempt irritating the buzzsaw that is The LadyKiller's work efficiency.

From a personal standpoint, not so much. Ok, nothing bad happened. But...nothing has happened. Still some icy stares. Still girls keeping the conversations brief/professional. Nothing has changed. Last week, a couple of my friends asked if I was going to "the party." I had no idea what they were talking about. They said a couple girls we know were celebrating their birthdays and e-mailed a bunch of people seeing who was around to celebrate. Conveniently, the e-mail list included my friends (the ones the girls know) but not me. Now, I couldn't go anyway due to a late shift at work, but I think the point here is clear - things are going nowhere socially. For these girls, small talk is fine, but elevating to medium talk is a no-no.

While I am "embracing the hate" and not letting it affect my demeanor or performance, it'd be nice for these girls to open up socially, even a little bit.

This mirrors my experiences pretty closely, don't expect these girls to ever extend an olive branch. Besides, they probably already have boyfriends outside of work, they just don't mention them as they want to keep some male coworkers around as orbiters.

Sometimes though they practically set themselves up for me to kick at their pedestals. There was a raffle for some sports tickets and one girl whom I have on Facebook (actually back from college before she started working here) sent an update to all of her friends in the company who were on there, including myself for the first time, that if she didn't win a pair she'd go with whoever else did. Not asking, just saying it as if she assumed that one of these people (mostly guys) would take her. Cue a few teasing "oh well I was already thinking of taking X..." and so on until I replied "Not likely, at least a dozen girls need to say no before I'd get around to asking you."

Cue laughter from many of the guys along with "I can't believe you did that!" and her not speaking a word to me for nearly two weeks. Heck I wasn't even entered in the raffle, I just wanted to return some of her previous rudeness and didn't care if I did it in full view of much of the department.

 

[Mike32ct]

Cliques are formed very quickly in the workplace (or any social scene). Once they are formed, if you aren't a member, they generally won't let you in.

You are absolutely doing the right things. You are playing the work angle perfectly by being civil and pleasant. And you are not feeding the AWs by not giving them too much attention.

But how they RESPOND is beyond your control. Like Zerro says, don't ever expect them to extend an olive branch.

I've been at my job for almost 9 years and I finally had to accept that I'm NOT in the "popular clique.". There is nothing I can do about that. This clique is made up of four females and the good looking guy Steve. It is what is.

You know what I do these days? Yes I practice what preach here and do exactly what I told you. But besides that, I enjoy my guy friends. Yes work comes first. But during breaks and lunches, I'm with the guys. I literally gave up trying to have female friends in the workplace.

I'm sorry the females are cold or short with you at work. I still get the same thing here and there. On some level, it still hurts. But I can't force them to like me. You can't either.

But I don't claim to know everything. Anybody else here is welcome to jump in.

 

[Zerro]

Cliques are formed very quickly in the workplace (or any social scene). Once they are formed, if you aren't a member, they generally won't let you in.

In my company the cliques appear to form around project teams, of lot of which will be together for a year or more at a time. Even once that project is over and the team members are reassigned you'll still see the girls only hanging with the people they were working with when they first started. It's like they don't even want to try to make new friends outside that original group, even when reassigned they'll still only go to lunch with their old teammates and such.

I've been at my job for almost 9 years and I finally had to accept that I'm NOT in the "popular clique.". There is nothing I can do about that. This clique is made up of four females and the good looking guy Steve. It is what is.

The funny thing is that most of these girls at my workplace aren't that hot to begin with, they're just "work hot" to these guys because they have a captive audience for 8 hours with no one better to be compared against. We used to all go out to a Tilted Kilt sort of place (not as slutty with the uniforms but the waitresses are all at a rather high standard of hotness) for drinks after work rather frequently but that venue is being used less and less as more women have joined the department. I wouldn't be surprised if they were the ones pushing for a new venue as you'll notice that if they come along they'll get vastly less attention from the guys once they are being served by actual hot girls.

You know what I do these days? Yes I practice what preach here and do exactly what I told you. But besides that, I enjoy my guy friends. Yes work comes first. But during breaks and lunches, I'm with the guys. I literally gave up trying to have female friends in the workplace.

I've pretty much stopped bothering to invite any of the women along to lunch with me and the guys, it's been months since the last time any accepted anyhow. This last time I invited the guys out to that tavern I mentioned above and even specified "no girls allowed."

 

[The LadyKiller]

Not trying to bump this thread, but I re-read the advice here and it's really good. Zerro, great story with the raffle. That sounds epic haha. Mike, I agree with what you and Zerro said about the olive branch/cliques/etc. I guess some of my frustration stems from not having any other options. The company isn't located in a bustling community and there are a large number of 20-somethings that work here, so I don't have a lot of other options.