email feedback ...

[KneghtRyder]

my last attempt at an email, i burned because of showing of desperation and beta male qualities http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=126125

well did I improve with this one ??

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Hi HB,

How are you? This is KR , we met yesterday at the [location].

As you live nearby, I would love to show you around this area sometime . As you are a visitor to my country , I'd love to be your guide.

We have the 2 biggest malls in America nearby and we also have a very scenic area called [town]. You will enjoy it and it will be fun , I promise you !

Here is my number (555) 555 - 5555.. What is yours ?

I am free this week, which day is best for you Tues or Wed ? Which address you like to met?



Please get back to me and let me know !

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THanks

KNIGHTRYDER

 

[JLance]

This second email sounds way too much like the first one. Not only that but since she didn't reply to the first one things aren't looking good with this one. Respect for TRYING though.

People think it's really bad to get an email instead of a phone number. I would say that in this day and age it really doesn't matter. Hell, email might even be better because you can direct her to your Myspace page if you have one. If your page shows that you are a real cool guy you just took a shortcut without doing any gaming and that may interest her enough.

There are a ton of different paths to take. Use the one that works best for you. And keep approaching new girls. I think you're doing good for trying. Persistence is a huge part of this game.

Jay Lance

 

[smooth guy]

you almost sound like customer service. Or like a salesman who is trying to bait his customer.

Talk more like a cool laid back guy that is simply interacting with another person. And keep it simple.

For instance...these sentences weren't needed:

As you are a visitor to my country , I'd love to be your guide.

We have the 2 biggest malls in America nearby and we also have a very scenic area called [town]. You will enjoy it and it will be fun , I promise you !

Replace this

Here is my number (555) 555 - 5555.. What is yours ?

with something like

Hand me your number and I'll give you a call so we can meet up.

See the difference between those two sentences.

You need to sound more relaxed and straight to the point. Right now you sound like somebody who spell checked his email and reviewed it a dozen times, making sure it sounded perfect before hitting the send button.

I also think a phone call would be much quicker and easier. Next time try going for the number.

 

[NickBe]

too formal