Elephant in the closet

[thirdtimescharm]

Though I'm not going to cut things off with her just yet, I'm also going to steer clear of saying anything about her weight, or her exercising. That's not my job...not my job to try and change *anyone*, except myself.

 

[Nutz]

Yoga. Whatever. Sure, you burn some calories doing yoga, but it's what many women like to do because they don't like the effort it takes to burn serious calories. They think sweating a lot because of heat/humidity, stretching, and isometric exercise will make them thin. Nope, not gonna happen, at least in the near term.

This. Yoga is a fair toning workout for women who are already trim. To lose the blubber she's going to have to do high intensity workouts and some form of resistance training. Crossfit is an outstanding system for women as the results are damn near immediate, so long as their diet isn't sloppy.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

This. Yoga is a fair toning workout for women who are already trim. To lose the blubber she's going to have to do high intensity workouts and some form of resistance training. Crossfit is an outstanding system for women as the results are damn near immediate, so long as their diet isn't sloppy.

As previously mentioned, my tact here was not to be focusing on her weight as much as my perception of it. And right now, my perception is that it might be less of an issue than I initially thought. We spent last night together at my place, listening to music, drinking wine, talking about our checkered past, and fooling around. I will say this: she did not attack the food I put out like a person who has no self-control, but she did attack me like a woman who is confident, sexy, and not hung up about her weight. So I'm going to try and not be hung up about it either.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Did you not fvck her yet? I mean this as constructive criticism, but you are sounding like way too nice of a guy. This thread reads like a romantic comedy script.

If you're going to compromise on her weight, you should get whatever you want out of her in return. That's only fair. Otherwise, what compromise is she making?

 

[thirdtimescharm]

Did you not fvck her yet? I mean this as constructive criticism, but you are sounding like way too nice of a guy. This thread reads like a romantic comedy script.

If you're going to compromise on her weight, you should get whatever you want out of her in return. That's only fair. Otherwise, what compromise is she making?

Am I "too nice a guy?" Ask my ex wives when I left them.

Personally, I like a little rom-con every now and then. Fvcking is not my only goal.

I'm not a fan of compromise. I think it's kind of a dirty word, because once you make one, you never know where it stops. Wait...yes I do! It ends in divorce.

Is it compromise because I prefer thinner women? Possibly. But if I have the choice of spending the night with a woman who I can connect with on multiple levels, who exhibits the type of behavior that I value, and shows me the proper respect for who I am, I will take that woman over a thinner woman who doesn't meet those other qualifications...unless we are only talking about a fvck buddy.

 

[BMX]

So the answer is NO. Props for finding a decent one though.

 

[Knight's Cross]

This reminds me of a chick I dated in DC a couple years ago. Went on date 1, I was blown away with her attitude. She was easily the most laid back chick I'd ever met. However, she was on the "husky" side of the curve. Now she did play soccer, and was athletic, just not the normal petite 120 something pound girl I was used to getting with. That said, she still rocked it in the bedroom. Other than moving several states away we'd probably still be dating.
KC

 

[thirdtimescharm]

This thing took a very unexpected turn last night.

Was over at my brother's house, chatting with his wife. Mentioned where my latest date prospect worked and what she did, and sister-in-law asked her name. Before I even finished the second syllable, she says they are cousins, somewhat removed. Still, I had actually met other members of her family a few months ago. There are other connections between her siblings and my brother's wife that are quite close. The world is a very small place.

So I shared this news with her, and my feeling right now is she is gonna flake. She told me the the last guy she even brought to meet any family didn't happen until 16 months in. Personally, I had no interest in meeting any family anyway at this stage, but that isn't the point.

I said "let's get together Tuesday" and her response was "let me figure some stuff out and I'll let you know." A flake-ready answer if there ever was one. Likely....next.

 

[Slickster]

This thing took a very unexpected turn last night.

Was over at my brother's house, chatting with his wife. Mentioned where my latest date prospect worked and what she did, and sister-in-law asked her name. Before I even finished the second syllable, she says they are cousins, somewhat removed. Still, I had actually met other members of her family a few months ago. There are other connections between her siblings and my brother's wife that are quite close. The world is a very small place.

So I shared this news with her, and my feeling right now is she is gonna flake. She told me the the last guy she even brought to meet any family didn't happen until 16 months in. Personally, I had no interest in meeting any family anyway at this stage, but that isn't the point.

I said "let's get together Tuesday" and her response was "let me figure some stuff out and I'll let you know." A flake-ready answer if there ever was one. Likely....next.

WTF why should any of this matter? It's not like you and her are cousins.

If the two of you were connecting the way you say you were then this family connection should be good news.

There is obviously a backstory here that your girl doesn't want you to know about. She's uncomfortable with this situation. Why?

Don't let her flake out on you like that. Confront her.

 

[( . )( . )]

She's uncomfortable with this situation. Why?

Does it matter? It's drama either way.

Don't let her flake out on you like that. Confront her.

What for?

I'm honestly not having a dig at you slickster, just curious.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

Does it matter? It's drama either way.

That's the key here...it's potential drama. Those of us who seem to want *good* relationships in any form seem to agree that not having much drama is a requisite. As previously mentioned, this woman already doesn't discuss boyfriends and dates with her girlfriends. So having a family connection would most certainly have the family wanting to know more. Add to that my being 16 years older. Any woman is going to catch some heat over that. It's no longer just about -us- hanging out. That's drama, and in the early stages it adds a potential microscope that I'm not thrilled with either. My sister-in-law, for example, knows that my "relationships" have all been pretty short over the last few years. I even told her to NOT fix me up with people she knew, for that reason. So my potential girl's reaction makes perfect sense to me.

The good news is she just texted me and said "Tuesday works."

As the world turns...

 

[Nutz]

I need a quite summary. He's gone out with her how many times over how many weeks? He still hasn't had sex, so obviously her investment level will be lower as she won't have any serious backwards rationalizing to do. My money is on this not panning out.

 

[Slickster]

That's the key here...it's potential drama. Those of us who seem to want *good* relationships in any form seem to agree that not having much drama is a requisite. As previously mentioned, this woman already doesn't discuss boyfriends and dates with her girlfriends. So having a family connection would most certainly have the family wanting to know more. Add to that my being 16 years older. Any woman is going to catch some heat over that. It's no longer just about -us- hanging out. That's drama, and in the early stages it adds a potential microscope that I'm not thrilled with either. My sister-in-law, for example, knows that my "relationships" have all been pretty short over the last few years. I even told her to NOT fix me up with people she knew, for that reason. So my potential girl's reaction makes perfect sense to me.

The good news is she just texted me and said "Tuesday works."

As the world turns...

No drama necessary.

This is all starting to sound a little juvenile. You are both grown adults who have been hanging out. Big deal!? I'm not sure why you say "it's no longer about us hanging out"?? Why not? What's changed? Does this connection force the relationship further along? I don't get it. Are your families super meddling? Is this My big fat Greek Wedding part two?

I don't really understand why your previous short relationships matter to anyone either. What do you have to hide? You're 52 and single.

It sounds like both of you are seeking out drama.

In regards to confronting her it's probably unnecessary now. I was just thinking if she's going to flake on you for something so stupid then you should call her on it before YOU walk away. Nothing dramatic, just "Hey we had something good going here, I'm not sure why this family connection matters. Lame. Bye."

The age gap shouldn't matter either. Are you sure that isn't your own insecurities creeping in? She's in her late 30's, single and overweight. Her window of opportunity is rapidly closing. Her friends and family are probably just glad she found someone.

Anyhow, I'm interested to see how this plays out.

Don't take things or yourselves too seriously. You both enjoy each others company. Have fun and fvck all the external BS if it gets in the way.

Good luck.

 

[zekko]

I'm with Slickster, I don't get it either. So you know someone from her family. So what? Why the heck is that an issue?

 

[thirdtimescharm]

No drama necessary.

This is all starting to sound a little juvenile. You are both grown adults who have been hanging out. Big deal!? I'm not sure why you say "it's no longer about us hanging out"?? Why not? What's changed? Does this connection force the relationship further along? I don't get it. Are your families super meddling? Is this My big fat Greek Wedding part two?

I don't really understand why your previous short relationships matter to anyone either. What do you have to hide? You're 52 and single.

It sounds like both of you are seeking out drama.

Families meddle, in general. That's drama we both want to avoid. I meant to say: it's not just about us hanging out, if the family gets their noses involved. Though my family isn't meddlesome, I think hers is. So that's something to be avoided.

My previous relationships matter since someone in her family knows I tend to be a dump and run kind of guy, though I'm starting to try and change my ways, to think and act differently. Still, it would be natural for my sis-in-law to want to protect her family member from my wicked ways. Let's say you had a brother who women fell for, but you knew that he was just out to get laid, and was a complete disaster (not saying this is me, btw) when it came to anything long term. Would you be comfortable setting him up with a very good friend of yours? Likely not.

In regards to confronting her it's probably unnecessary now. I was just thinking if she's going to flake on you for something so stupid then you should call her on it before YOU walk away. Nothing dramatic, just "Hey we had something good going here, I'm not sure why this family connection matters. Lame. Bye."

There will be no confrontations or drama. We're going to get together. We'll talk. Hopefully I made more out of it than it is.

The age gap shouldn't matter either. Are you sure that isn't your own insecurities creeping in? She's in her late 30's, single and overweight. Her window of opportunity is rapidly closing. Her friends and family are probably just glad she found someone.

Of course there are insecurities. Yes, age matters. A few years ago there was a 28 year old who approached me. We went out, had an amazing time. Wasn't long before she said "if it weren't for the age difference, I'd totally want this to continue." So yes, past experience plays a part.

You may be right about the window closing. I can't tell you how many desperate over 45 women I know, who seem to have everything going for them...except no man.

Anyhow, I'm interested to see how this plays out.

Don't take things or yourselves too seriously. You both enjoy each others company. Have fun and fvck all the external BS if it gets in the way.

Good luck.

My hesitance to fvck due to her weight was where all this started. It's entirely possible that it may still be where it will end. Still, my personal experience has shown me that when I sleep with someone right away, the likelihood of there being anything lasting goes down at an exponential rate. We've been together four times, and that is on the edge as far as how many times I've gone out with anyone without going the distance. If it doesn't happen this time, it probably never will. So there's that.

 

[Slickster]

Families meddle, in general. That's drama we both want to avoid. I meant to say: it's not just about us hanging out, if the family gets their noses involved. Though my family isn't meddlesome, I think hers is. So that's something to be avoided.

My previous relationships matter since someone in her family knows I tend to be a dump and run kind of guy, though I'm starting to try and change my ways, to think and act differently. Still, it would be natural for my sis-in-law to want to protect her family member from my wicked ways. Let's say you had a brother who women fell for, but you knew that he was just out to get laid, and was a complete disaster (not saying this is me, btw) when it came to anything long term. Would you be comfortable setting him up with a very good friend of yours? Likely not.



There will be no confrontations or drama. We're going to get together. We'll talk. Hopefully I made more out of it than it is.



Of course there are insecurities. Yes, age matters. A few years ago there was a 28 year old who approached me. We went out, had an amazing time. Wasn't long before she said "if it weren't for the age difference, I'd totally want this to continue." So yes, past experience plays a part.

You may be right about the window closing. I can't tell you how many desperate over 45 women I know, who seem to have everything going for them...except no man.



My hesitance to fvck due to her weight was where all this started. It's entirely possible that it may still be where it will end. Still, my personal experience has shown me that when I sleep with someone right away, the likelihood of there being anything lasting goes down at an exponential rate. We've been together four times, and that is on the edge as far as how many times I've gone out with anyone without going the distance. If it doesn't happen this time, it probably never will. So there's that.

Seriously man this all reads like you are TRYING to find drama that isn't even there yet.

Has her family meddled yet? Has your sexual past come in to question yet? What about the age gap? You don't even know if either of your families even give a sh!t.

Your worries seem to all be based on "what ifs".

Don't be insecure about anything here. Your age and past shouldn't mean anything. Gentlemen don't ever let a younger girl make you feel like you are too old. If there is a problem with age gap then it is her immature issue. She is either too young or she's not. Remember that.

Be mature about it all. If she or her family have a problem then they are the ones who come off as immature.

Which is why I recommended that you confront her. If she's trying to flake because of some immature insecurity then you ultimately come out as the one rejecting her due to her lameness. This doesn't have to be done with a lot of drama and you walk away being a better man.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

Seriously man this all reads like you are TRYING to find drama that isn't even there yet.

Which is why I recommended that you confront her.

Confronting her would be adding drama. There's no need for it. I'd like to think I am looking for ways to avoid drama (by talking things out and gathering other views on my own behavior here), but your perception may be right as well. So I'm just going to keep things as light and fun as they have been up to this point.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

We never got together thanks to a stomach virus earlier this week, and I just got the "not feeling the connection" phone call.

Ultimately, I'd have to say I'm glad, since now I don't have to see if I could deal with her weight. I have a date tonight with a tall, thin, blond woman who I have had great sex with, but we haven't seen each other since 2011. Should be fun

Thanks for all the thoughts, as usual.