Elephant in the closet

[thirdtimescharm]

This is a tough subject; I'm sure it's been touched on before.

I saw a profile on OKCupid that I was intrigued enough by to take a shot with. What I failed to notice was that she listed her body type as "Average." That alone that would not have deterred me, but none of the photos gave away that she probably should have listed "A little extra" at a minimum. She's definitely "thick."

I've dated a bigger girl in the past, but ultimately it's not my thing.

So the problem is: I really like her. We've "connected" on multiple levels after seeing each other three times in a week, and probably too much text messaging. Her face is gorgeous, distractingly so. What I was attracted to in her profile (outside of the photos) is who she is (so far). She makes me laugh. We talk about real, serious things. We have some social connections that are very positive. She's very outside the box, and I'm very attracted to that. I'm willing to put more effort in to getting to know her better. No, I have not slept with her yet.

So how do I deal with the elephant in the closet?

 

[cordoncordon]

I would simply do this. Tell her you were thinking of joining a gym to start working out regularly and to get in better shape. (Or you can work out at home if you do the beachbody insanity/p90x/body beast programs. If you do the beachbody programs, you will be assigned a 'coach' who can sell you BB products and also have you join online challenge groups to improve your fitness level.) Ask her if she would like to join as well as you think it would be a fun thing to do together while at the same time you would both get more healthy. Do not just tell her you think she should lose weight. That is like telling her her pvssy smells like a garbage dump. Not gonna work and she will resent you for it.

But I bet if you approached this is as a thing you could both do, after a few weeks and she starts to see some results from it? She is going to get hooked and be all about it.

Good luck.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

She does work out. She did a 1:45 yoga session yesterday. They have a gym where she works and she works out there during the week. She told me she's also taken boxing classes, and she could probably kick my ass, which is a little strange, considering I'm 6'2", 190. I don't think I need to do anything to motivate *her* to do more for herself...if anything I probably need to motivate me!

I'd never just blurt something out like "you should lose weight" or anything blatantly disrespectful, in any case.

 

[cordoncordon]

She does work out. She did a 1:45 yoga session yesterday. They have a gym where she works and she works out there during the week. She told me she's also taken boxing classes, and she could probably kick my ass, which is a little strange, considering I'm 6'2", 190. I don't think I need to do anything to motivate *her* to do more for herself...if anything I probably need to motivate me!

I'd never just blurt something out like "you should lose weight" or anything blatantly disrespectful, in any case.

Well she is obviously not working out enough or she is stuffing her face everyday. In this case I would join a beachbody challenge group together. Get P90x and do it together. Trust me, this will work.

Here is an example.... http://www.teambeachbody.com/connect/beachbody-challenge

 

[thirdtimescharm]

The "elephant" is more about the typical thing that goes on in online dating, that of the slightly fudged details. Would I have pursued her had she posted a full body shot? Honestly, probably not. But now that I've gotten to this point, I can't just walk away *for this reason alone*

Guys do it all the time, lying about their height. Women generally lie about their ages to keep older guys from messaging them. Bigger women do it too, with the close-up photos that don't show the whole truth. I'm not beyond it myself; how many of us would put every detail of ourselves out there, knowing ahead of time that some of these details are things that we'd get rejected for?

 

[thirdtimescharm]

cordoncordon, this is about more than her size. I do think she's very actively working on losing weight, but that's not really what my post is about.

 

[Bible_Belt]

She probably hasn't been working out that long, or she wouldn't be overweight.

Ironically, if she were thin, she probably wouldn't be so nice, simply because she wouldn't have to be. A friend of mine had a baby sitter who used to hit on me. She was the nicest women I've ever met...all 400 pounds of her. Being extra nice is "fat girl game." So is pretending that her weight is a temporary issue. In all likelihood it is the exercising that is temporary.

By the way, I don't want to discourage you from having sex with her. You should; I bet she's great in bed. It's all about that dynamic of her feeling like she has to try harder than other women.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

She probably hasn't been working out that long, or she wouldn't be overweight.

Ironically, if she were thin, she probably wouldn't be so nice, simply because she wouldn't have to be. A friend of mine had a baby sitter who used to hit on me. She was the nicest women I've ever met...all 400 pounds of her. Being extra nice is "fat girl game." So is pretending that her weight is a temporary issue. In all likelihood it is the exercising that is temporary.

BB, she's actually not *that* nice. It's one of the things I like. She's very sarcastic. She was telling me that she recently changed her ways, and while her friends all want to go over every detail of their dating woes (like most women do), she won't talk about things anymore, beyond the minimum, because she doesn't want to get caught up in the details early on. One of her friends told her that she doesn't know what to talk about with her anymore, since she "evolved." She actually talks like a guy...a guy who's got game. To me, it's extremely attractive.

 

[cordoncordon]

Well I'm not sure why the fact that she may have fudged details on her profile matters at this point. It isn't an elephant. Its a tick on an elephant. You have met her, dated her, and at this point you really like her so anything that happened before doesn't matter.

The true elephant now is her weight. You would like her to lose some but you don't know how to tell her. Be honest with yourself and with us and you will be more successful in solving this issue.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

I don't think I need to "tell her" anything about her weight. She works out. She mentioned she has no "snack food" in her condo. She's mostly vegetarian (still eats fish). For all I know, she might have been a lot bigger, and she's on her way towards being much healthier.

So what am I missing? We haven't slept together. It's certainly possible that a) she is really good in bed or b) I might not be able to get turned on because I'm not into bigger girls.

I'd say b) is my biggest fear.

Is that what you meant about being honest?

 

[Naughty Ninja]

This is a tough subject; I'm sure it's been touched on before.

I saw a profile on OKCupid that I was intrigued enough by to take a shot with. What I failed to notice was that she listed her body type as "Average." That alone that would not have deterred me, but none of the photos gave away that she probably should have listed "A little extra" at a minimum. She's definitely "thick."

I've dated a bigger girl in the past, but ultimately it's not my thing.

So the problem is: I really like her. We've "connected" on multiple levels after seeing each other three times in a week, and probably too much text messaging. Her face is gorgeous, distractingly so. What I was attracted to in her profile (outside of the photos) is who she is (so far). She makes me laugh. We talk about real, serious things. We have some social connections that are very positive. She's very outside the box, and I'm very attracted to that. I'm willing to put more effort in to getting to know her better. No, I have not slept with her yet.

So how do I deal with the elephant in the closet?

You might want to tell her you'd like to get in better shape and see if she's down to do a fitness "challenge" with you. Lose weight, tone up whatever. Make a "bet" on things with prizes for goals. This way she sees you are "with" her and the challenge may make her lose more and look even better. Maybe some extra sexersice

*Just be careful she doesn't start looking TOO good and causes you to start feeling self concious about outside competition. IE: Be careful what you wish for you just may get it.

Not that that means anything bad is going to happen between you both.


Frig it just go for it.

 

[DonJuanabe]

Yoga. Whatever. Sure, you burn some calories doing yoga, but it's what many women like to do because they don't like the effort it takes to burn serious calories. They think sweating a lot because of heat/humidity, stretching, and isometric exercise will make them thin. Nope, not gonna happen, at least in the near term. Running, cycling with serious resistance, etc. is what is required.

If this woman is near your age count on her packing on serious pounds as the months/years roll by. If Nicole Eggert can do it in her 30s...

Tell her a really fun thing for the two of you to do together would be PX-90, Insanity, one of those kinds of workouts. You are together the whole time, you can encourage each other, and then you can enjoy dinner or lunch afterwards.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

I did a lot of hot yoga myself a few years ago. I lost 25 pounds. While it may not be the answer to losing a lot of weight for people that have a lot of weight to lose, the health benefits are nothing to sneeze at.

She's sixteen years younger than I, so that's a big plus for her. And for me

It's interesting to note that most of the replies here are focusing on her weight, when I'm trying to make this more about ME, and my ability (or inability) to be attracted to someone who doesn't fit my physical "type."

 

[DonJuanabe]

Dude, you don't negotiate attraction. It's genetic. You are attracted or you are not. If you have to force it then it isn't there and you're just feeling sorry about the LACK of attraction. It doesn't make you a bad person, it's just reality and isn't a question of morality.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

*Just be careful she doesn't start looking TOO good and causes you to start feeling self concious about outside competition. IE: Be careful what you wish for you just may get it.

I'd like nothing more than for her to become the absolute best person she can be....that's the person I'd want to be myself, and the type of person I want to be with. If someone changes themselves for the better and those changes cause them to desire another person/relationship/whatever, I'm better off without them.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

Dude, you don't negotiate attraction. It's genetic. You are attracted or you are not. If you have to force it then it isn't there and you're just feeling sorry about the LACK of attraction. It doesn't make you a bad person, it's just reality and isn't a question of morality.

Ok, this is getting closer to the point.

I look at her face, her eyes, listen to what comes out of her mouth...I'm attracted.

I look at the size of her jeans, I'm not as attracted.

That's genetics. Yes, it bums me the fu*k out.

 

[XR 600]

Yoga. Whatever. Sure, you burn some calories doing yoga, but it's what many women like to do because they don't like the effort it takes to burn serious calories. They think sweating a lot because of heat/humidity, stretching, and isometric exercise will make them thin. Nope, not gonna happen, at least in the near term. Running, cycling with serious resistance, etc. is what is required.

If this woman is near your age count on her packing on serious pounds as the months/years roll by. If Nicole Eggert can do it in her 30s...

Tell her a really fun thing for the two of you to do together would be PX-90, Insanity, one of those kinds of workouts. You are together the whole time, you can encourage each other, and then you can enjoy dinner or lunch afterwards.

Oh,come on,lets be real here.P90X is an extreme workout program. OP if her weight bothers you now,its only going to get worse with time.

 

[cordoncordon]

Ok, this is getting closer to the point.

I look at her face, her eyes, listen to what comes out of her mouth...I'm attracted.

I look at the size of her jeans, I'm not as attracted.

That's genetics. Yes, it bums me the fu*k out.

Ok in reading between the lines here and judging from what you are not saying, I am guessing this girl has one of those bodies that is just naturally kind of big or big boned? The kind of girl who really can't lose too much more weight? Am I correct? Because you keep blowing off all of our suggestions on how to get your girl to lose weight, and this is doing exercise and challenge groups with her until she turns from a 5'6" 145 girl to a 5'6" 120 pound girl. So I am guessing your girl is what, 5'10" and 150 pounds and she just naturally has a big body type without being 'fat'? In that case you are screwed and not matter how much you fight it, you will never be able to see past it.

I once dated a girl like that. Great girl. Beautiful face and eyes. Great hair. But I like girls that are 5'6" or under and 120 pounds and under. And this girl was around 5'9" and 140-145 and that was skinny for her. But she had a bigger azz and body type, Im sure you know the type. She could never get under that weight because she would have been anorexic if she did. I tried and tried and tried to be attracted to her like I should have been. I never could. I met a girl a month after we broke up, 5'6", 115 pounds, best azz of any girl I have ever seen, and my sexual attraction was 100 x more than the bigger girl.

It just is what it is. You can't fight what you are attracted to.

 

[cordoncordon]

Oh,come on,lets be real here.P90X is an extreme workout program. OP if her weight bothers you now,its only going to get worse with time.

I've done p90 x and Body beast for a few years now, great program and it does work. Yoga is part of p90x, and its as hard as any exercise in the entire program. People would be surprised how physically demanding it can be when you do it right.

 

[goodfoot]

Ok in reading between the lines here and judging from what you are not saying, I am guessing this girl has one of those bodies that is just naturally kind of big or big boned? The kind of girl who really can't lose too much more weight? Am I correct? Because you keep blowing off all of our suggestions on how to get your girl to lose weight, and this is doing exercise and challenge groups with her until she turns from a 5'6" 145 girl to a 5'6" 120 pound girl. So I am guessing your girl is what, 5'10" and 150 pounds and she just naturally has a big body type without being 'fat'? In that case you are screwed and not matter how much you fight it, you will never be able to see past it.

I once dated a girl like that. Great girl. Beautiful face and eyes. Great hair. But I like girls that are 5'6" or under and 120 pounds and under. And this girl was around 5'9" and 140-145and that was skinny for her. But she had a bigger azz and body type, Im sure you know the type. She could never get under that weight because she would have been anorexic if she did. I tried and tried and tried to be attracted to her like I should have been. I never could. I met a girl a month after we broke up, 5'6", 115 pounds, best azz of any girl I have ever seen, and my sexual attraction was 100 x more than the bigger girl.

It just is what it is. You can't fight what you are attracted to.

That sounds great to me