Dumped

[dead]

Hey, this story began five years ago;

I met a girl which I developed major oneties for. Which is ok, I was a soft chump back then. I got severely burned and sought help. After reading up here and taking in many of the tips (mostly related to self-confidence, and picking up on interest from females), it worked great I started to see that I attracted lots of girls and women. So after a few years of working and studying around europe I ended up in London.

So this girl suddenly starts contacting me again. She is living in another country, just a 2 hour flight from me, and I decide to go over there. We meet up and make-out etc.. Long story short; We develop a LDR after six months of back and forth. So yesterday, two years into the relationship, she dumps me. I saw the signals, and I probably should have pulled out. The reason, she says, is that she cant handle this LDR thing anymore, even though she is moving to a place that is a TWO hour drive from me in a month...

Im not trying to win her back or anything. Im just somewhat confused as what to do now. I will start exercising again tomorrow and do the whole "Care for oneself". But there are a few loose ends that need to get tied up and Im not sure how I should react. She has loads of clothes at my place which she will need to pick-up. She also wants to meet me, and has been emailing me all this bull**** about how much she cares for me.

So;

Should I be there when she picks up her stuff?

I could easily dodge it, and save myself some emotional hemorrhaging, or should I dress my best, clean up and stand there proud in my own skin (even though I know it will hurt me).

Should I actually meet her?

I dont necessarily want to become enemies with her, but I dont handle female friends all that good. Im not going to have any positive contact her way for at least six months, but once those are up, should I just follow my gut?

Emails/IMs and all that crap?

Shes been sending me all these messages of how much she cares and blahblahblah, and doesnt want to lose me. I know its just so that she can feel better about herself. I have only replied to one saying that I need time to work things out, and that I dont know what kind of relationship we can have in the future (no smilies or anything). Should I simply cut my losses and ignore her? Use her to meet other girls? Become FBs?

In closing; the weird thing is... Im not really feeling emotionally crushed, much thanks to high self-esteem (I just hope this wont change). Now I can go and approach other women

Im just very confused as to how I should handle this whole affair. Any help is much appreciated (and please no "lines", I have a brain and vocal cords).

 

[RFish]

Originally Posted by Rollo Tomassi
Never root through the garbage once you drag the can to the curb. You get dirty, your neighbors see you do it and you rarely find what you thought was worth digging for.


It will always be time better spent developing a new plate (or 3) than attempting to repair an old one. The amount of effort and energy, the time you invest in trying to negotiate a previous GF desire is much better used with a new girl, with whom you have no prior history. I have no doubt you're emotionally invested in this, but you're far more likely to regret the effort you expend to repair it in comparison to meeting and developing with a new girl.

Far too many guys subconsciously think that getting back with the Ex will be easier than risking potential rejection with new women. They go back to the what they think was their "sure thing", with the logic being that she'd been sexual with him before so all he's got to do is fix what was wrong and go back to that guaranteed sex. The reality is actually the opposite - what was "wrong" in the prior relationship becomes the litmus test for the 'repaired' relationship and sex and genuine desire are now conditional. Getting with a new woman has none of these conditions or prior negotiations, and genuine desire isn't a compromise.

Sigh. You should have moved on long ago. Though it is over but I would like to question your intentions of flying 2 hours over JUST FOR HER. What is it so special in her that you can't find in other girls?

The 2 hours could be put in better usage. Sorry but I have to say that.

You shouldn't be there when she picks up the things. You shouldn't meet her and you shouldn't respond to her.

Basically, you shouldn't remain as friends, really. I would say it will be alright to remain as friends but that will be after many years based on what happened. You will screw up again if you are still friends with her.

But would you want this kind of friends that play with your feelings? Meeting you and sending those message are only a way to get you emotionally attached and she will dump you again.

I hope KontrollerX replies and when he does you should listen to him.

 

[dead]

Hey, I read some of KontrollerXs posts, and many more. I sent her a mail telling her not to contact me anymore, and that she needed to pay me some money she owed me.

From now on Im going no contact for a looooong time. After reading through loads of topics here I realized that it wont improve anything. Moving on is the only way to go I guess, even though its hard after two years together. I got loads of stuff going on in my professional life, and well, about time I nurtured my personal life (which is all going to help keep my mind occupied).

All in all, confused and hurt but strangely... relieved

Helped a lot reading some of the sh!t stories on the forum here,

Cheers Guys!

 

[Jean Valjean]

you should read mine ...

my bpd girl finally dumped me 5th time told me to 'leave her alone' and ended with 'Go away.."

so I will not contact her anymore unless she saids its to fk and that wil never happen because 6 months dating never got me any pssy..

go figure!

 

[Allurre]

Actually, I do think like you still CARE for her. After all, you're posting here for ask, and you just mentioned whether you should somewhat dress right, and hope for some spark to reignite.

1. Amid the LDR, the attraction level started lowering on her end; there's no point in trying to change or improve things. 2 hours is still long distance. Also, she might've been blind to the consequences and emotional burden a LDR can cause.

2. Like you, I don't really remain 'friends' with my exes. Never. I would however, advise that you give all her belongings back, just so there are no memories of her sticking around. Keeping them only tells me you somehow yearn for her return.

3. Move on.

 

[dead]

Just thought Id post a small update.

Its been about five days now of no-contact. I even went out and got pretty drunk twice and my game was pretty good (all things considered). I managed not to call her, email her or any other typical AFC behavior. I was also very very very attracted to other girls and had no problems approaching, kino is a bit harder, but that will come in due time.

Overall, Im starting to think this was the right thing to do, Im still a bit miffed, but not heartbroken, and my spirits arent broken either. I just need to work on my inner game, something Im actually looking forward to.

Im still a bit on the fence regarding being there when she gets her stuff, but ultimately it is probably for the best that I just let her fix it through my flatmates.

Alas. There are indeed more fish in the sea!

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

It's time to let go of your invisible friend.

There is no such thing as an LDR, because you have no relationship. An LDR simply does not meet the criteria necessary for it to be considered a relationship. There is no reciprocity of anything more than words passing over a phone line or an IM text. Understand me here – you have no relationship. You have self-assumed accountability, self-assumed liability and internalized responsibilities to be loyal to this person, to fidelity to this idealization, and dropping what everyone outside of your LDR will regularly tell you is insanity, is a personal affront and anathema to this stupid and most insidious form of ONEitis.

LDRs are the most easily identifiable form of ONEitis and it would be laughable if it weren't so damaging to a guy's life progression. The LDR man would sacrifice years of his life in this pitiable effort to pursue his 'soulmate' across the planet or even a hundred miles away. The very thought of refuting the idea that an LDR can work is equal to denying his belief this stupid, fantasized ONEitis fueled idealization that he's swallowed for the better part of his life. It’s easy to criticize an LDR in the terms of questioning either party's earnestness and fidelity in entertaining an LDR and this is usually the tact that most people giving advice on LDRs follow. One or both parties are or will 'cheat' on the other over the course of time, its true, but LDRs are far more telling of a mentality that results in much more damaging consequences as a result of deeply conditioned self-expectations and fears.

I can't begin to list the number of otherwise intelligent and ambitious men I’ve known who've drastically altered the course of their lives to follow their ONE. Men who've changed their majors in college, who've selected or switched universities, men who've applied for jobs in states they would never have considered, accepted jobs that are sub-standard to their ambitions or qualifications, men who've renounced former religions and men who've moved across the planet all in an effort to better accommodate an idealized woman with whom they've played pseudo-boyfriend over the course of an LDR only to find that she wasn't the person they thought she was and were depressive over the gravity that their decisions played in their lives.

An LDR is akin to a LJBF, but writ large and festering in a man's life. You play surrogate boyfriend, voluntarily accepting and internalizing all of the responsibilities and accountabilities of being a woman's exclusive, monogamous partner with no expectation of reciprocating intimacy or sexuality. It is the ideal situation for a woman in the same manner a Booty Call is for a man - all sex with no expectations of monogamy or commitment. However an LDR is worse than a LJBF arrangement since it pervasively locks a man into a success or failure mentality with regards to the relationship actually being legitimate. Afterall, she's agreed to be his girlfriend (from miles away) and if he's the one to falter it's his lack of perseverance in this silly ONEitis ego-investment that dooms them. Once the LDR inevitably ends he's the one left with the self-doubt, he's the one beating himself up over wasting time, money and effort and he's the one feeling guilty whether he or she is the 'cheater'.

An LDR is like having an invisible friend with whom you're constantly considering the course of your actions with. Consider the personal, romantic, familial, educational, ambition-wise, business-wise, personally maturity and growth opportunities that you've limited yourself from or never had a chance to experience because of this invisible friend. When you finally divorce yourself from this invisible friend, will it have all been worth it? Guys cling to LDRs because they've yet to learn, in POOK's inimitable words, that Rejection is better than Regret. AFCs will nurse along an LDR for years because it seems the better option when compared with actually going out and meeting new women who are potential rejection. They think its better to stick with the 'sure thing' than risk possible rejection, but it's the long term regret that is the inevitable result of an LDR that is life damaging. Nothing reeks of desperation or verifies a lack of confidence more than a guy who self-righteously proclaims he's in an LDR. Women see you coming a mile off, because you are a guy without options. In fact the only reason a man entertains an LDR is due to a lack of options. If you had more plates spinning an LDR would never look like a good idea. And finally, I'm sure I'll see the "not in my case" defense posted here about how you actually DO see your invisible friend once every 4 or six months. To this I'll say again, what opportunities are you censoring yourself from experiencing by playing house with a woman you only see this often? Do you honestly think you're the exception to the rule?

 

[dead]

In hindsight, I cant do anything but agree. It has been a life-altering experience, not only positively. I did enter the relationship partly due to lack of options, and partly due to emotions I had developed for that girl (well all due to lack of options I guess then ).

Now that the smoke has started to clear, Im feeling more alive then ever in the past two years. The last part of your post is spot on, and is exactly how I have been feeling, that this isnt really going anywhere and Im just clinging to it (Im now doubting that there was any "love" there at all).

I dont think Im the exception to any rule, and I have accepted that it is over. It probably has stunted my growth in the short-term, but in the long-term I feel that I have gained valuable insight into women and myself. As you said, I could probably have gotten that experience from other women, but I was deluding myself. Now I have to remove myself from that delusion, and the first step, I think, is accepting it for what it was.

I just dont want to come out of this acting like a bitter woman-hater. The horse is saddled, and its up to me to jump back on it. I have already scheduled three trips to friends of mine that are living around Europe, so I dont think I am doing too bad in progressing my life (at least I am not crying myself to sleep).

Thank you Rollo, for a very insightful read.

 

[Andy_Dufresne]

If its worth that much to you....one thing you can do (actually the ONLY thing you can do) is invite her to live in YOUR city.

This way SHE will enter YOUR reality and not the other way around.

Any time YOU enter HER reality....i.e. you fly to her city, etc. it is a recipe for disaster, just like RT has so eloquently stated above.