DUMPED over a month ago - Cant seem to shake this sense of loss

[ohrein]

Disagree. My mindset is fine. I know myself and my value. I can't pull 9s with consistency right now because I am not a 9 to most women. That is a fact. Value attracts value. Do I have the potential to be a 9 to a wider range of women? Absolutely. But I'm not there yet. Acknowledging one's current SMV is not a sign of a lack of confidence but maturity and is superior to simple irrational self confidence (false game). Acknowledge where you are now and find ways to improve if needed to get the desired results.

It's all about value. It's not complicated.

Your mindset is not fine because you believe you are lesser than others. And if you mean a 9 purely physically then you're definitely way off.

You're the worst person to objectively rank your value and that value is subjective anyway. There's not a woman on earth who is "out of my league". Right circumstances, right time, I could charm any woman. Is that true? Well, it's subjective. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. What I do know, is that I'll never miss an opportunity because I limited myself with beliefs.

 

[BeExcellent]

FWIW I think both BTC and Ohrein have valid points here. BTC is being brutally honest with himself and objectively looking at ways in his realm of control that will improve his empirical value. More men here would do well to take a hard look at themselves in this way. There is merit in hard self examination.

Ohrein's point has more to do with confidence and realization/internalization of value. This is a valid point too because one needs to understand one's worth in the marketplace.

BTC happens to be a confident man who understands his intrinsic value. His acknowledgement that he isn't pulling as well as he could isn't a lack of confidence (that many men suffer from) but rather is rooted in pragmatism and objectivity based on his own experience.

Nobody is 100% universally attractive. People defer to individual standards that govern who they find attractive. So you can have wide appeal if you are seen as hot...but the little things do matter and you'll never reach 100%.

Also. Looks aren't everything for a relationship. There's much more to it than that. Finding a 9 who is also a balanced worthwhile person is tough. That's the girl all the truly high value guys want. She has lots of choices.

BTC has what it takes to pull such a girl. And he will again in time.

 

[ohrein]

BTC happens to be a confident man who understands his intrinsic value. His acknowledgement that he isn't pulling as well as he could isn't a lack of confidence (that many men suffer from) but rather is rooted in pragmatism and objectivity based on his own experience.

I think my advice is more rooted in pragmatism. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take and there's no harm or repercussions for getting shot down by a woman, with some exceptions like being coworkers etc. It's kind of like Dave's mental problems but to a lesser degree. You can only get better by going for women you want and you can't gain anything by waiting for your "value" to increase.

 

[BeExcellent]

I think my advice is more rooted in pragmatism. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take and there's no harm or repercussions for getting shot down by a woman, with some exceptions like being coworkers etc. It's kind of like Dave's mental problems but to a lesser degree. You can only get better by going for women you want and you can't gain anything by waiting for your "value" to increase.

I hear you. My point is that beyond a certain threshold it is individual preferences that drive mate selection. If everyone I can choose from is objectively a 9 in looks for example, then looks are no longer the defining selection criteria. If one of those 9's slips a bit by getting lax on appearance, even a little bit...he or she falls out of the 9 category (which is required baseline) and is no longer seen by the top tier in the opposite sex. It's THAT competitive in high value circles where people understand their value and know what they bring to the table.

The bigger lesson for BTC as I see it, is close examination of why this woman dumped him, which he attributes to his behavior. I'm sure he's looking at that & those lessons. Top tier people require the best from their partner at all times. It's too easy to replace someone if your partner can't or won't meet your standards.

I stay slim & fit for example. Can still rock hot dresses that I wore in the clubs 25 years ago. Still keep a BMI of 19-20 and still appeal to the kind of high quality men I prefer. Could I have gained 20 pounds and still be considered attractive? Yup. But I wouldn't be on the radar screen of the men I prefer to choose from in that case. I am disciplined in my personal habits which has the positive side effect of retaining maximum choice in the marketplace. As is BTC.

 

[Roober]

So you landed here a year ago from a oneitis, and it appears you got oneitis again? From a plate?

I imagine your confidence (dare I say arrogance) got the best of you. It's quite difficult for someone at the higher echelons of SMV to realize their true value. Why? Because their value of themself is based primarily (not entirely) on their looks.

If I remember correctly, you clean up pretty well in the dating market as do most attractive and successful individuals. Because of this, you have based your value on the items which attracted those individuals; looks, money, and status. The problem exists because while you may have exemplary LMS, you may be lacking in the maturity (?) or mental aptitude to handle challenging situations and make the correct decisions.

Strong character comes from the ability to consistently handle difficult situations presented in relationships, in your occupation, and with your friends and family. When someone bases their their value on superficial items like looks, money, and status, they will likely struggle with individuals with strong character. They will also believe said individuals are replaceable because all of the items they value (LMS) can be easily replaced.

So then what happens is you have a person who's view of their own value is through the roof. They then tend to draw in people that are just like them. They may be gorgeous. They may have an immense amount of success. They may have a boatload of money. Or they may have any combination of the 3. But they are just SHELLs.

However, when the SHELL does encounter someone with true value, the instrinsic kind (eg. Possibly The lady that discarded you) that cannot be attained by their DNA, success, or wealth, the SHELL breaks and what's 8nside really has no value at all.

Your strong attachment comes from your desire to fill what you are lacking with the intrinsic qualities she provides. This is very common, almost to a certainty, of those who base their value on looks, money, and status.

 

[In2theGame]

Lack of attraction to HB 6s and 7s has more to do with my self value and my awareness of my own potential. I couldn't be happy even if I tried. It's like asking a guy with a Harvard MBA to be content flipping burgers at Five Guys. An extreme example but you get the point.

Dude I think you just answered the question I've had in my mind for a while. When I first started going out a lot I was sleeping with a ton of Women in the 6 - 9 range. After a while my desire to be with anything below a 8 has disappeared and I've wondered why. You nailed it with the having your own awareness and once you realize the type of caliber Women you can have, you no longer want to bother with anything that's sub-par.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

You can talk about cold approach, but beyond socially acceptable venues like bars and clubs that's just not how the game works in the 21st century. Game is not enough for these 8s and 9s. They need to be able to see your value. I'm not saying cold approaching doesn't work but IME it hasn't granted me a lot of success in this metropolitan city.

This is a strawman argument. It hasn't "granted" You so, cold approach and game isn't enough. Maybe your game sucks. Maybe you still hooked on a girl who dumped you over a month ago is indicative of your blue pill idealistic mindset and lack therein high testosterone.

Game is not a magic pill. You can increase your probability of success by playing the cards you were dealt to the best of your ability. You can work on inner game, acquire resources, have a life, lift weights, and setup oneself where you can pull everywhere. Having a gf isn't game nor is living Disney on ice and playing house.

Pickup is not the be end all. Nor is it time friendly. Its about the hero's journey, becoming "that guy," and going for it. Not everyone is charismatic and charming like Mystery.

After nearly a decade of pickup, its indicative of how much society is ****kkk all and that one way flow of female imperative. There's no forever. Marriage is not reality. It's a cute narrative that pedals towards keeping society orderly. Furthermore, women be attention *****, skiing down cawk mountain, and valueless to the max. Kids out if wedlock. Diff baby daddy.

 

[fastlife]

First, understand that what you're going through is natural. You lost access to a good reproductive opportunity--which in the not so distant past was rare. Of course your body--hormones, etc.--are designed to make you feel like sh1t so that you don't lose out on opportunities like that since you might get eaten by a saber tooth tiger and never pass on your genetic legacy.

Never mind the fact that we live in 2018; the internet exists; travel exists; populations are abundant, etc. Yeah, logically, your emotional response doesn't make a whole lot of sense but our mental firmware was designed for a very different set of conditions.

Acceptance will be the quickest path towards recovery. Give yourself permission to feel badly. Take the time to really explore those feelings without judging them.

Also, realize that in 10 years the woman you're so caught up on now won't exist. Her body will change; her personality will change; her facial expressions will change; her scent will change. The woman she was when she was in love with you only exists in that specific moment--so focus on taking the time to really enjoy those nuances the way you enjoy the nuances of a really good meal. You don't expect a good meal to last forever; you aren't disappointed when it's done; it was awesome in that moment and that memory will sustain you through any number of mediocre meals. Just know when it's over, when the plate's cleared, it's over.

 

[BeTheChange]

FWIW I think both BTC and Ohrein have valid points here. BTC is being brutally honest with himself and objectively looking at ways in his realm of control that will improve his empirical value. More men here would do well to take a hard look at themselves in this way. There is merit in hard self examination.

Exactly. If I was lacking in confidence I would settle for a 7 and be done with it, since I would perceive this to my current value and peak of my potential. People seem to be mistaking a desire and determination to improve and an acknowledgement of one's strengths and weaknesses as "a lack of confidence" Says more about them than anything else.

Great advice as always BE and @fastlife.

The right course of action is simply to enjoy life, keep on improving, be social and eventually the 9s will come. Of course it's much easier to say than do. Patience was never my strongest suit!

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

Exactly. If I was lacking in confidence I would settle for a 7 and be done with it, since I would perceive this to my current value and peak of my potential. People seem to be mistaking a desire and determination to improve and an acknowledgement of one's strengths and weaknesses as "a lack of confidence" Says more about them than anything else.

Great advice as always BE and @fastlife.

The right course of action is simply to enjoy life, keep on improving, be social and eventually the 9s will come. Of course it's much easier to say than do. Patience was never my strongest suit!

If you don’t mind my asking, are you looking for an LTR or potentially marriage/children?

-Augustus-

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

I'm looking for solutions really.

If you break a bone it will take time to heal.

There're no shortcuts or secrets. Just keep spinning and gaming.

Best thing is to avoid anything stupid, like rebound nonsense, or depression related stuff (eating, drugs, drinking.)

Keep active, keep fit.

Chin up, take your time, soldier your way through, etc.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

I've stopped spinning for the sake of spinning.

A small part of me wishes I could be satisfied with a 7 but it just ain't happening.

It ain't ever going to happen. That jump from 7 to 8 or 9/10 is the most significant throughout the whole s£xual market. Seven-eight is pretty much the true benchmark of genuine attraction and desire.

Long story short, a 7 is just a 7, but an 8 is an 8 (i.e. probably has potential of being a 9 on a good day). Like you, I can and have had many 7's over the last while. But I'm just not in to it. I've had a number of experiences with 8's and 9's and that's what I aspire to. I've realised I'm wasting everyone's time, energy and resource by even spending time with someone I'm not really bothered by. My view is now that I need to focus on bettering my own situation, not only for my own benefit, but also to being a better option across the market; rather than essentially wasting time with lesser options.

There are many cliches that are applicable here, but look at it as being the person that you want to be with. If you're the 7 in the relationship, you're 'just a 7'. If you're spending time with 7's you're a 7 yourself. You're only as good as your last victory. Your time will be better spent focusing on becoming the 8, however you choose to do that.

 

[BeTheChange]

If you don’t mind my asking, are you looking for an LTR or potentially marriage/children?

-Augustus-

Turning 30 soon. Looking for an LTR and want to have children. Open to hearing your thoughts.

 

[BeTheChange]

If you break a bone it will take time to heal.

There're no shortcuts or secrets. Just keep spinning and gaming.

Best thing is to avoid anything stupid, like rebound nonsense, or depression related stuff (eating, drugs, drinking.)

Keep active, keep fit.

Chin up, take your time, soldier your way through, etc.

Definitely. As much as I've tried to turn the negative of a breakup into a positive by working on bettering myself the truth is that from time to time it still sucks.

Tried everything. Gym, meditation, spinning plates, work, etc. Just got to keep doing those things for the joy and distraction they bring and then let time do it's thing it seems.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

Turning 30 soon. Looking for an LTR and want to have children. Open to hearing your thoughts.

I understand your desire to only be with a woman you’re very attracted to you. It doesn’t make sense to attempt to have an LTR with someone who is less than very attractive to you.

However, there are personality traits that will most likely determine the success or failure of your LTR, especially if there are children involved. Such as: is she honest, does she have a good heart, is she kind, is she low maintenance, does she have a good sense of humor, does she love children and is she good with them, etc. Perhaps you are already screening for these traits, if not, you should start.

Also consider that in general man age differently than women do. So you need to think about what you will do if your 8+ who you have two children with gets fat, or overtime becomes less attractive to you, more along the lines of a 5 or 6. It happens, believe me. Perhaps you will be fortunate and your 8+ will stay that way for years. But you should at least consider what you would do if she doesn’t.

-Augustus-

 

[MatureDJ]

I understand to some degree what you are dealing with. If god put together the most physically attractive woman for me, it was my ex girlfriend. And for a while, it was like “I’ll never be with another woman as perfectly attractive to me as she was”.

Have you considered spinning plates with sixes or sevens who have one of the physical features that turn you on? So you might wind up with 3 plates, each of them having something physically appealing that the other doesn’t have. Having That type of variety on different nights of the week can work.

Also, is this all about what works for you only or are you status conscious about how the woman on your arm looks to other people? It sounds like you might be a little hung up on that.

-Augustus-

OK, so what you are saying is that I should have one plate that is fat but has big t1ts, another that is anemically skinny all-around but has a small waist, another that has a hideous face but a nice round a33, and then a chick that is pretty repulsive but is intelligent and with a great personality. After all, the only thing that matters is the aggregate, not that any particular chick have a combination of these qualities.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

OK, so what you are saying is that I should have one plate that is fat but has big t1ts, another that is anemically skinny all-around but has a small waist, another that has a hideous face but a nice round a33, and then a chick that is pretty repulsive but is intelligent and with a great personality. After all, the only thing that matters is the aggregate, not that any particular chick have a combination of these qualities.

So... in your world there are sixes and sevens that are fat, hideous, and repulsive? Perhaps in your world but not mine. By nature, anything above a 5 is more attractive than average. What scale are you using?

-Augustus-

 

[El Payaso]

I don't know where you live but if I'm picturing your ex correctly, then women with her body type aren't too common. You would have to move to places like Miami, LA or Atlanta. Out of the country, probably Spain, Greece, Germany etc.

I understand how you feel. Every man has a certain body type they're more attracted too. There can be a million girls in your area but if they don't fall into your body type, they just don't really do anything for you. Honestly, I think you're just gonna have to settle.

Also, why don't you try hitting up your ex again.

 

[BeTheChange]

I don't know where you live but if I'm picturing your ex correctly, then women with her body type aren't too common. You would have to move to places like Miami, LA or Atlanta. Out of the country, probably Spain, Greece, Germany etc.

I understand how you feel. Every man has a certain body type they're more attracted too. There can be a million girls in your area but if they don't fall into your body type, they just don't really do anything for you. Honestly, I think you're just gonna have to settle.

Also, why don't you try hitting up your ex again.

You mentioned Miami chicks so you hit the nail on the head as far as ideal body types. We are on the same wavelength there.

But nothing screams low value like reaching out to an ex that dumped you. Even the very act itself is devaluing. Can't have a good relationship on that basis. I got back with my ex in July under similar circumstances and look where we are now. Would rather settle.

I live in London, which fortunately means there are a handful of girls over here with Latino, Spanish or Italian backgrounds. I also salsa, which helps (it's where I met my ex) If I liked Reggaeton it would make things easier but I'm not a huge fan.

Will probably start hitting hostels in Spain or Italy once a month to party if I don't find anything by end of the year. No way am I conceding defeat and holding to the belief that I've met the hottest chick I'll ever LTR in my life when I'm not even 30 yet. Not happening!

 

[BeTheChange]

Honestly I don't get how you all are sleeping around and still this uptight about a certain body type. I've thoroughly enjoyed all sorts of women. Sure hourglass is ideal but haven't you had fun with petite or thicc women too? I am always looking to expand my horizons not make things harder than they have to be.

I don't count but I must have slept with a hundred-ish women. Physically, nothing, and I mean NOTHING compares to a thick ass on a tight body. It's the best of both worlds. Everyone has their type but when you find it you'll know. Instant erections, horny all the time, etc.

Not saying I couldn't be happy with another body type but what do we have in life, if not our ambition eh.