Dumped by the rebound girl that i fell for

[AtheGreat]

Hi everyone, im gonna try and keep it as short as possible but really need some help here.

I was with this girl a year and half which we reconnected at a new years party, but let m give you some details about the background. knew her 10 years back when we first hooked up, i really liked her but i was seeing smby else at the time so i just fooled around with her for a month and then dumped her to go back to that other one i was dating at the time.

Four years later i run into her again this time i was single and said **** it, btw she is an animal in the sack, so dated her again for a month until i met smby else and just vanished from her life like thin air. I didnt answer texts, phonecalls i was G O N E.

To get to the reconnection part which was a year and a half ago as i mentioned earlier. I was single and after a very very painful break up with some other crazy *****, it took me three months to get my self together from that break up.

When i saw the rebound girl at that party i really needed to clear the air about the past. This time i wanted to be with her for real, we had a long talk before we started dating and acknowledged our rights and wrongs. Tine went by smoothly the first six months, even though we had a major bump after the first three months where she lost her father from cancer which she had a very close relationship with. I was by her side all the way and she appreciated that deeply. We got even closer and she started showing even more interest in the relationship.

Problems started when i got layd off my job. I wasn't myself because of that reason and still have issues, i was nervous and distant and argued with her for no reason. My low hopes about me getting work again in the city made things worst where i decided to move at the countryside to work for six months during the summer season, she was by my side four months ago when i took that decision. She said she would visit often which she did.

Still from those visits the end was even closer, we started fighting for no reason when she was coming over. At some point she confronted me she couldnt fight and that she wasnt feeling ok me being away from her, in addition she got a grant for a student exchange program to study abroad for a year and asked me to go with her for this winter, she even bought me tickets to leave on November. I was feeling pressured but really wanted to go find her abroad, btw the tickets was a surprise.

She said i should come with her and work abroad for the whole time while shes studying and that we can make it work like that. The arguments went on, i was even more distant and was really nervous because of problems i had at this new job, sex was amazing though if that matters.

Her on the other hand seemed that she was loosing me every time she was coming over to see me, things came to an end when she came for the summer holidays 4 weeks ago. We had a major fight about me not listening to her anymore and appreciating all she s being doing for us, accusing me for my distant behavior, raising her red flags, but i was to selfish to see it. Didnt care, the only thing on my mind was the no perspective job i had and the fact i could be broke during winter.

Told her to be patient and that if things turn sour i wouldn't be able to come all the way with her abroad. I said could only visit her for a month and then i ll have to look for a job back in the city. At start she agreed then two weeks ago we had a final talk about the future and the perspective of us being together at winter time, she got upset but dint show it until she left to visit her mum during her mums holiday.

she called while i was working to tell me we gotta talk, common breakup line, i was aggressive and caused her to say she wanted out even though she said she would talk. She said ''im coming over to pack my things its over and cant do it anymore'', and that she was feeling to much pressure.

At the beginning i couldnt believe she was actually doing this, but she did and things got out of hand when i realized it. I was upset when she came and acted all nervous when she said she was leaving the next day, she wasnt gonna stay at my place and that she had a reservation at a hotel.

I was devasted, i acted really bad lost it and nearly kicked her out of my place. She called me later that night but i didnt answer, then in the morning she textd thankfully about me standing by her during her dads passing and that she wished me the best of luck. After 12 hours i answerd with a very mean text saying the complete opposite of what she wished.

I was feeling angry, betrayed and lost, i heard she told her best friend that it was a ''no future relationship'' and it was leading nowhere and that's why she dumped me. I was gutted, i texted her after a week, a week ago that is, a letter type text saying a lot, and asking, about the past and why she did things she didnt mean in the first place. Actually asking her why she led me thinking we could do it and that she had understanding about me going through my employment issues where she didnt. She answered shortly about me not ever knowing her as a person and not appreciating her love and devotion to me.

I answered asking pretty much the same questions and played the blame game but this time she didnt even bother answering me.

Now its been a week in NC and im missing her so much, i ****ed up and i know but dont know how i can make it right, shes leaving abroad in four days and probably im not gonna see her for a year at least.

I guess she got her revenge from the past...

 

[Kailex]

Let her go.

You both are on very different paths. You said what you needed to say, she is leaving to embark on a new life. The time for that relationship is over.

You make it right by letting her go and moving on with your life.

I get that you want to live on your own terms, and that's respectable, but you also need to respect that she wants to live on her terms too. You aren't on the same page, and probably never will.

Just let it be...

 

[AtheGreat]

I know i gotta let go even thought its so damn hard and unexpected, 2,5 weeks ago we where on top of each other saying nice meaningful things. Showing understanding and true emotion.

Kailex what does it mean to Embark on a new life, for a year? its just a frigging year for god sake, are you for real?

Why pretend so much all this time, why buy tickets and then regret it? Why even visit me since this was a ''no future thing''? so many questions in my head..

I never got closure and thats whats making it even tougher for me.

any thoughts?

 

[AtheGreat]

Let her go.

You both are on very different paths. You said what you needed to say, she is leaving to embark on a new life. The time for that relationship is over.

You make it right by letting her go and moving on with your life.

I get that you want to live on your own terms, and that's respectable, but you also need to respect that she wants to live on her terms too. You aren't on the same page, and probably never will.

Just let it be...

If this is the case why doesnt she answer on all these questions i layed down on my texts ? why is she avoiding confrontation? why doesnt she just say leave me alone?

 

[Kailex]

Kailex what does it mean to Embark on a new life, for a year? its just a frigging year for god sake, are you for real?

Why pretend so much all this time, why buy tickets and then regret it? Why even visit me since this was a ''no future thing''? so many questions in my head..

I never got closure and thats whats making it even tougher for me.

any thoughts?

Thoughts?

#1: Are you a psychic?

#2: Probably not, because you would have seen this coming.

#3: Embark on a new life? Yes, because she is leaving and she MAY or MAY NOT come back. She might come back and decide to move elsewhere.

#4: Do you know what she is doing after just "a year"? No, RIGHT? Okay. Do you know how many people went abroad for a year and don't come back? You don't know that she goes over there and stays, or then goes to another country or comes back and doesn't want anything to do with you.

#5: You give me a freaking break. You're talking about closure. What closure? There already IS closure. Closure is a fallacy and a thought up idea people made up to try to reach out for one last time. There's nothing more that needs to be said. You don't need answers. You already have them.

#6: She bought tickets because she thought you would say YES and do things her way. You didn't. Hence the regret. It happens. Buyer's remorse.

#7: She probably called it a no future relationship after the fact, because you weren't playing it her way.

#8: What thoughts are you in your head? She's leaving for a year. You aren't. Case closed. She offered you the chance to go with her, you declined. So what's the problem? Are you going to wait for her for a whole year?

#9: You know what the biggest problem is... is the guy you were in the beginning of the post is NOT the guy you were at the end of the relationship and it's probably why she doesn't care anymore.

#10: She's not answering, it's for a reason.


What happened to that guy who could easily walk away from her?

 

[AtheGreat]

Thoughts?

#1: Are you a psychic?

#2: Probably not, because you would have seen this coming.

#3: Embark on a new life? Yes, because she is leaving and she MAY or MAY NOT come back. She might come back and decide to move elsewhere.

#4: Do you know what she is doing after just "a year"? No, RIGHT? Okay. Do you know how many people went abroad for a year and don't come back? You don't know that she goes over there and stays, or then goes to another country or comes back and doesn't want anything to do with you.

#5: You give me a freaking break. You're talking about closure. What closure? There already IS closure. Closure is a fallacy and a thought up idea people made up to try to reach out for one last time. There's nothing more that needs to be said. You don't need answers. You already have them.

#6: She bought tickets because she thought you would say YES and do things her way. You didn't. Hence the regret. It happens. Buyer's remorse.

#7: She probably called it a no future relationship after the fact, because you weren't playing it her way.

#8: What thoughts are you in your head? She's leaving for a year. You aren't. Case closed. She offered you the chance to go with her, you declined. So what's the problem? Are you going to wait for her for a whole year?

#9: You know what the biggest problem is... is the guy you were in the beginning of the post is NOT the guy you were at the end of the relationship and it's probably why she doesn't care anymore.

#10: She's not answering, it's for a reason.


What happened to that guy who could easily walk away from her?

Maybe i didn't wanna see this coming out of denial, what i also know is i still love her.

Plus maybe i wasnt clear about the fact that she has one more year at her school, after the foreign exchange program, to graduate and that has to be in her country. So she has to return.

I was willing to go but not full time there, and yes a long distance relationship for six months lets say can work when both people want it when there is true love. But apparently there isnt.

And really i dont think she like the guy i was ten years back believe me on that, and if that fact matters its fear the only thing i created about me leaving her one day.again.

 

[El Payaso]

Honestly, you acted like a woman during that breakup. Yelling, kicking and screaming? Sheesh.

Anyway, the best thing I can say is to get closure by apologizing BUT doing it to feel good about YOURSELF not to get her back.

Don't go there apologizing and begging her to get back with you and "work it out".

Go there like a man. Say you're sorry about how you treated her. That she's right about things will not work between you two and that you understand and appreciate her honesty. Wish her luck in her study programs and her future. Calmly walk out like a man.

Do not do this with any hopes of trying to "win her back". Do this to get the closure that you want or peace of mind.

Some guys will advise you to just "next" her without contacting her but in my personal experience, it's hard to when you feel guilt.

Good luck.

 

[The_411]

AttheGreat,

Your story is the classic case two people meeting at the wrong time. It sounds like she was willing to bend over backwards to make it work but you weren't on board. The problem is that you were fighting about it instead of being calm lettering her go and moving on with your life.

You can't sit around for a year waiting for her because chances are she'll meet someone or her feelings will change etc and she won't be interested and you will have wasted one year not meeting new people etc. for nothing.

For the future there's no reason to explode at a woman especially if you were in a relationship, and you should work on communicating leaving anger out of the equation. When you say nasty things when a woman breaks up with you it just reinforces her position. In this case things would have been salvageable had you had a good conversation with her let her go with a smile on your face.

1) It allows for you to be able to reconnect when she comes back and she could miss you terribly and realize that she needs you back

2) If you make a mistake it still allows you to change your mind and since things are on good terms you can still possibly salvage the relationship.

3) Women always talk so it's better for a woman to have good things to say about you rather than bad mouth you to her friends and acquaintances because you never know when you might end up dating someone she knows.

 

[AtheGreat]

Guys i really wanna thank you all for your input, you re really helping me see things right. I always thought she could be the one out many things we did and said the past year, but also because of our past.

Its hard to let go and forget but its gotta happen, its just the denial of the fact that a relationship cannot work even part time when theres mutual interest. If i was paying attention i could have seen this coming and tried a different approach to this whole situation because she didnt confront me either when she had the chance. I just made an easier exit with my whole acting in the end. I kinda think she couldnt trust me leaving me back on my own.

@El Payaso i think i will never get the closure i want so i think since i did ****ed up in the end i will just disappear with no word instead of apologizing after all that crap i told her on our breakup.

@The411 You are so right man, i blew it and even if there was a window of opportunity between us i shut it by acting like a total ****. I heard from her best friend she was deeply hurt from what i said on my first text.

 

[mangotot]

Do you know any other women? If you do, go see them and do the deed with them. That will help take your mind of things.

 

[hudpes]

I know i gotta let go even thought its so damn hard and unexpected, 2,5 weeks ago we where on top of each other saying nice meaningful things. Showing understanding and true emotion.


Why pretend so much all this time, why buy tickets and then regret it? Why even visit me since this was a ''no future thing''? so many questions in my head..

I never got closure and thats whats making it even tougher for me.

any thoughts?

At first you were living in a bubble of illusion when there were no problems in life, and when they showed up, the bubble burst.

She was hoping you would wake up. My impression is, she did everything right and you weren't ready for her. She went her own path to study abroad, which is absolutely right, but offered to take you with her, you had no (good) job and she gave you a ticket to go with her, what more could you want??? If that's not a brilliant opportunity, I don't know what is. And you couldn't get your frazzled mind in gear and get in the clear with yourself, so you lost her.

You should let her go, because you need to find peace and stability within you, patch yourself up first, get in the clear who you are, where you're going and what you want. Than it can work with anyone. Unless right now you've gone through some deep catharsis and some switches have permanently flipped in your brain... then you could meet her unannounced and just tell her everything, tell her you love her, tell her what an idiot you've been, not apologetically, just plain truth. Funny thing about truth like that, it is recognized as truth and it melts the ice. But did you get to this point??

 

[AtheGreat]

She pulled a hat trick, and i cant believe it.

She called me today to wish me for my nameday and to ask if she could go by my parents to drop my things, i was asleep and just picked up the phone without checking. She started crying and told me she was sorry for this whole situation and that its really hard for her after we ended it, i broke into tears and apologized for my actions.

She said she understood why i was angry and that she was never pretentious on what she meant during our time together. I told her i couldn't believe it was over like that and that i ll miss her dearly, she kept on crying and replied the same for me but also that she got tired in the relationship even though she admitted she is still in love with me.

She hanged up a little later saying she cant talk anymore and that is hard keeping a conversation at this point.

I was tormented, but i guess this was the best way to end it with a peace of mind.

 

[AtheGreat]

At first you were living in a bubble of illusion when there were no problems in life, and when they showed up, the bubble burst.

She was hoping you would wake up. My impression is, she did everything right and you weren't ready for her. She went her own path to study abroad, which is absolutely right, but offered to take you with her, you had no (good) job and she gave you a ticket to go with her, what more could you want??? If that's not a brilliant opportunity, I don't know what is. And you couldn't get your frazzled mind in gear and get in the clear with yourself, so you lost her.

You should let her go, because you need to find peace and stability within you, patch yourself up first, get in the clear who you are, where you're going and what you want. Than it can work with anyone. Unless right now you've gone through some deep catharsis and some switches have permanently flipped in your brain... then you could meet her unannounced and just tell her everything, tell her you love her, tell her what an idiot you've been, not apologetically, just plain truth. Funny thing about truth like that, it is recognized as truth and it melts the ice. But did you get to this point??

I totally agree with you man, i really need my time off. I was willing to discuss the options of working abroad and even compromizing with the idea even though that might have brought me in a harder spot in the case things wouldn't work out between us during that time. BUT i didnt, she saw this as a refusal to be with her, but also as you said a turndown of a great opportunity to start smth new with more perspective then the ****ty situation im currently in.

I told her on this phone call i mentioned earlier that i couldn't see the signs she showed and she agreed, she also said she tried to make me understand all those things you just said. As i said i did apologized for being a **** and acknowledged it was all out of anger. It just made things worst for both of us during that short conversation creating an awkward situation which led her to hang up.

I know i gotta let go now but i will always love her because of all those years knowing each other so well.

 

[hudpes]

I don't envy you, that is tough. Tougher is to accept that she is not extraordinary and that the path we are on is unclear in the front and vanished in the back, life exists only in the present and it travels into the living future, while the past is dead as stone, there is no way back. Don't chain yourself to a stone of "i will always love her because of all those years knowing each other so well". You picked that sh!it up in the movies, sounds wonderfully romantic and all, but disconnects you from reality, you will build an idealized image of her in your mind, that no other woman can possibly match, it imprisons you, drags you to this colorful but dead illusion of the past and hinders your progress. Sadly, I know all too well what I'm talking about, so trust me, cut her out of you, zoom out of the situation, observe it, accept it and forgive yourself.

 

[AtheGreat]

I don't envy you, that is tough. Tougher is to accept that she is not extraordinary and that the path we are on is unclear in the front and vanished in the back, life exists only in the present and it travels into the living future, while the past is dead as stone, there is no way back. Don't chain yourself to a stone of "i will always love her because of all those years knowing each other so well". You picked that sh!it up in the movies, sounds wonderfully romantic and all, but disconnects you from reality, you will build an idealized image of her in your mind, that no other woman can possibly match, it imprisons you, drags you to this colorful but dead illusion of the past and hinders your progress. Sadly, I know all too well what I'm talking about, so trust me, cut her out of you, zoom out of the situation, observe it, accept it and forgive yourself.

Man i really appreciate your insight on this, really!

I am overreacting and feeling romantic about how'' i will always'' feel for her but is the truth, i know her for 10 years. Been dating on and off more then 3 times within that period, sex always was the bomb and we where also great friends.

Wrong timing and me not seeing the reality of things led to this point. Im already feeling better, but it will take some time for this **** to heal inside of me.

 

[Pardner]

Admit it's over and be done with it.

Not that hard to do

 

[The_411]

Guys i really wanna thank you all for your input, you re really helping me see things right. I always thought she could be the one out many things we did and said the past year, but also because of our past.

Its hard to let go and forget but its gotta happen, its just the denial of the fact that a relationship cannot work even part time when theres mutual interest. If i was paying attention i could have seen this coming and tried a different approach to this whole situation because she didnt confront me either when she had the chance. I just made an easier exit with my whole acting in the end. I kinda think she couldnt trust me leaving me back on my own.

@El Payaso i think i will never get the closure i want so i think since i did ****ed up in the end i will just disappear with no word instead of apologizing after all that crap i told her on our breakup.

@The411 You are so right man, i blew it and even if there was a window of opportunity between us i shut it by acting like a total ****. I heard from her best friend she was deeply hurt from what i said on my first text.

Getting away from thinking any women is "the one" Believe me when I tell you that type of thinking can only get you into trouble. There's nothing wrong with loving a single woman but attaching destiny etc should only be used to lure a woman in but as a rationale for behavior etc.

The also falls in line with acting aloof and unattached. When she's crying and sad and breaking up and your saying hey it's cool I understand it throws her for a loop.

Had you just said, "Baby, you need to grow, live life, and find your way" while smiling, you would have smashed any sentiment of neediness and it would portray you as man who appreciates a woman but is not defined by one. It would also suggest that you know this is just one of many relationships, which in turn demonstrates confidence that there will be more women.