Dreading this weekend...need tips

[Ghengis Kahn]

Guys,

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years, and now I seem to be faced with intense loneliness that I just can't shake.

I've spent the last few weekends getting out of the house going places by myself (beach, mall, etc.), and that helped somewhat, but now I notice when I go out by myself, I'm realizing how alone I am and the pain is starting to get to me.

I was scheduled to golf with my buddy this Saturday, and I was glad because I knew it would take my mind off my loneliness. Unfortunately, he just called and cancelled and now I'm very worried that this coming weekend is going to be "off the charts" pain-wise.

I really don't have any other friends to hang out with, and I will certainly work on remedying that in the near future, but my problem is that this weekend is looming before me and I know I'm going to feel stone-cold alone.

If anyone has any suggestions as to how to get through this tough time I'd most certainly appreciate it. Many thanks.

 

[Vulpine]

Go out and try to pick up women? Get a life? Call some other friends to do something with? Bake a cake? Fly a kite? Work out? Do some drugs?

Seriously, read around these forums about guys who are married for 15 years, get a divorce, and end up banging other chix as soon as a week after.

You'll get over it. Noone here is going to take the pain away for you. You know what? Ignore it and it goes away.

Edit: You sound like a woman. Get ahold of yourself! Turn off the Dr. Phil and go out and do some "Men activity" like hunt, fish, blow off some fireworks, grill something, break something, change the oil on your car... just get a hold of yourself!

 

[Cod3r]

Tough, but when I broke up with my ex-gf I felt immediate freedom ?? I'm assuming the break-up was more 'her breaking up with you' or maybe you doing it to her because you knew 'she was going to do it to you?'...

Usually when you break up with a gf, you're happy for the subsequent months and THEN after that it hits how lonely you really are, at least that's how it worked with me. Also, having female friends will take the pain away, u can have fun and flirty attraction you need all at the same time... good luck


-COd3r

 

[Desdinova]

It's time for a good rebound chick to help you turn this corner of your life. Go out, find the first available woman (good looking or not), and bang her.

If you don't make any effort at moving on with your life, you're not going to get out of the rut that you're in. The more women you date, the further away you'll feel from your ex. Eventually, she'll only be a memory.

 

[Cod3r]

^ ^ Why does all self-assurance and worth have to come from validation from a woman ?? Something I will never understand about people... Advice like that keeps people dependent and contained within a box of approval from others...

Forget women, if you meet one fine, if not... ur still a cool person. Can't stand the "go boink 20 women and u'll be fine". What useless advice... no offense btw


-Cod3r

 

[Desdinova]

Why does all self-assurance and worth have to come from validation from a woman ??

It shouldn't have to, but it does for many men.

Something I will never understand about people... Advice like that keeps people dependent and contained within a box of approval from others...

He needs to see that there's life after women, and especially after his ex. A rebound is only a piece of that. He needs to begin recovery from his "broken heart" before he can work on himself. You can't just tell a dude who'd been AFC all his life to "get over it and focus on yourself". It's a slow process, and he needs to start with recovery before he can start on improvement.

Dating and fvcking women doesn't fix anything, but it can help a guy realize that there is a whole world out there to explore, and women are only a small piece of that world.

 

[Vulpine]

Whoa! Holy flip-flopping!

Also, having female friends will take the pain away, u can have fun and flirty attraction you need all at the same time... good luck
-COd3r

Then ...

^ ^ Why does all self-assurance and worth have to come from validation from a woman ?? Something I will never understand about people... Advice like that keeps people dependent and contained within a box of approval from others...

Forget women, if you meet one fine, if not... ur still a cool person. Can't stand the "go boink 20 women and u'll be fine". What useless advice... no offense btw


-Cod3r

Man, that is some Jekyll and Hyde 180 degree sh!t. Make up your mind.

 

[Ghengis Kahn]

^ ^ Why does all self-assurance and worth have to come from validation from a woman ?? Something I will never understand about people... Advice like that keeps people dependent and contained within a box of approval from others...

Forget women, if you meet one fine, if not... ur still a cool person. Can't stand the "go boink 20 women and u'll be fine". What useless advice... no offense btw


-Cod3r

That's exactly it, Cod. Going out and finding a chick to shag is not going to do anything for me. I'm going through the process of losing someone who meant a lot to me, and that has to run its course, along with my best efforts to absolutely minimize the length of this process.

I was actually posing the question to the more mature among us (you included) as to ways to minimize the pain of loneliness when the weekend rolls around.

Contrary to popular belief around here, finding and shagging women is not the panacea to all our problems, including loneliness.

 

[Latinoman]

^ ^ Why does all self-assurance and worth have to come from validation from a woman ?? Something I will never understand about people... Advice like that keeps people dependent and contained within a box of approval from others...

Forget women, if you meet one fine, if not... ur still a cool person. Can't stand the "go boink 20 women and u'll be fine". What useless advice... no offense btw


-Cod3r

I'm confused. You just stated prior to this post that "flirting" with a bunch of female friends help. Ain't that the same as getting "self-assurance" from "validation from a woman"?

 

[Latinoman]

"Contrary to popular belief around here, finding and shagging women is not the panacea to all our problems, including loneliness."

Maybe not. But the probability of finding another good one are higher if you actually look for one (even if your first intentions were to shag a woman) rather than sitting around thinking about an 'ex' that wants nothing to do with you.

 

[Ghengis Kahn]

It shouldn't have to, but it does for many men.
He needs to see that there's life after women, and especially after his ex. A rebound is only a piece of that. He needs to begin recovery from his "broken heart" before he can work on himself. You can't just tell a dude who'd been AFC all his life to "get over it and focus on yourself". It's a slow process, and he needs to start with recovery before he can start on improvement.

Dating and fvcking women doesn't fix anything, but it can help a guy realize that there is a whole world out there to explore, and women are only a small piece of that world.

Lots of wisdom there, Desdinova.

I definitely understand that there's life after women, and you're absolutely right...there is a period of recovery that can't be circumvented.

My original question has to do with the fact that although for the past few weeks I've been getting out there and doing things, there's nothing going on this weekend and I dread wandering around somewhere as the recovering AFC that I am, without the skillset yet to approach comfortably.

Because of that, I thought the best thing I can do right now is to focus on improving my life and setting the stage for future success.

 

[resilient]

Why not just stay in and read some killer famous self-help books like Psycho-Cybernetics, Quaterlife Crisis, or Think and Grow Rich. Personally, whenever I need a pick me up, I go back in the forum's timeline and read a highly motivating Pook thread - it's free and I always leave the computer feeling happier about myself and where I'm heading. Then get a tan and hit the gym. Sounds like you could really release some endorphins that the stress of being alone is causing.

 

[Vulpine]

What Des was getting at is that other women in your life, even small interactions, is a pleasant confidence boost AND a needed distraction when you could use it most. Having a woman tell you how desirable you are when you are feeling lonely and hurt is a huge puff of wind into your currently slack sails. And the "ugly girls" give out the most, and best, compliments. Heck, chat up a single mommy; she'll bombard you with so much kindness it will turn your stomach!

And it's not necessarily female interaction. Go and give some guy a compliment. When he returns the compliment, it feels almost BETTER than if a woman gave you the same compliment. Chat up an ugly dude or two. Ugly dudes are awesome. Some the nicest, most sincere guys I know are as ugly as roadkill.

The bottom line is, get some social interaction. Listening to other people will keep your brain from dwelling on the negative "oh, woe is me" crap.

 

[Ghengis Kahn]

What Des was getting at is that other women in your life, even small interactions, is a pleasant confidence boost AND a needed distraction when you could use it most. Having a woman tell you how desirable you are when you are feeling lonely and hurt is a huge puff of wind into your currently slack sails. And the "ugly girls" give out the most, and best, compliments. Heck, chat up a single mommy; she'll bombard you with so much kindness it will turn your stomach!

And it's not necessarily female interaction. Go and give some guy a compliment. When he returns the compliment, it feels almost BETTER than if a woman gave you the same compliment. Chat up an ugly dude or two. Ugly dudes are awesome. Some the nicest, most sincere guys I know are as ugly as roadkill.

The bottom line is, get some social interaction. Listening to other people will keep your brain from dwelling on the negative "oh, woe is me" crap.

Now that's some advice I can put to good use!

Is this the same guy who wrote the post above??

In all seriousness, that's some great stuff there and I'll put it to work for me.

 

[resilient]

I remember one thing my Juggler workshop instructor told me two months ago that really helped me out:

"the only way to get out of your head is to get into someone else's head."

Like Des and Vulpine are saying human interactions will help you forget your loneliness and will help you to enjoy your time with others. :cheer:

 

[Vulpine]

Is this the same guy who wrote the post above??

Speaking of Jekyll and Hyde...

 

[Cod3r]

Lmao..

Funny how I basically said exactly the same thing that the others said, but I'm a 'flip-flopper'. I interpreted the 2nd guy who posted as saying, "go boink women and feel good about yourself" and I called him out and said that's wrong, because that's my belief...

Then I offered advice to have female FRIENDS. You DONT boink friends, they provide you with female companionship. You don't need them to be attracted to you, hence NO VALIDATION. In my experience when ur lonely having female friends around is a great stress reliever, and it has nothing to do with using them to valide yourself because if they are true friends both of you know that you aint gonna be boinkin them...

--
Anyway, I don't need to be agreed with, as long as the mate who posted the question has found the answer, great ! Good luck man, keep us posted..



-Cod3r

"

 

[blueguy]

Get some hobbies. Look up whatever your city has to offer, and pick up a a few. Sounds like you have no social groups. You can pick up 2-3 periodic group hobbies and be meeting a good amount of people... You'll find that you don't need a girlfriend then because of the amount of friends you make.

You do need to find a passion though. It sounds like you don't have one, and that may have been a huge reason for the breakup.

Edit: In fact, I know it was the reason for the breakup whether she mentioned it or not. Your life is headed nowhere at the moment. Dream big.

 

[flexion_]

You'll just have to ride this one out - time and meeting other people will heal mental wounds like this.

Now more importantly what can you change for the next time this happens - its simple: Don't make a woman the entire focus of you life. Women don't even want you to be entirely focused on them - so this behaviour makes you appear needy, wimpy, boring... etc...

 

[Ghengis Kahn]

Guys,

First of all, thanks for all the great replies. It seems that this is how it should be on this board...helping a man when he stumbles, respectfully but without coddling and babying. You guys wrote some excellent stuff and I appreciate it.

Some good stuff to report:
Yesterday I spent the majority of the day reading this board and deciding to "man-up" and take some initial steps toward recovery. I remembered that there was a concert at a friend's church that night, so I decided to go and just have a good time by shmoozing with everyone I could, without particularly emphasizing women. I'm beginning to think (as some of you have suggested) that the best thing I can do is simply socialize with folks of both sexes, thereby practicing my social skills and making new friends.

So I went out to Macy's, bought a nice, expensive shirt that looks great on me, picked up some new sneaks and a new watch, (I had been neglecting my wardrobe), and went to the concert with no expectations except that I would open up to people and practice my skills. When I got there, I met up with the female keyboard player who is in my own band (very nice girl but not for me...too "robust" in build, if you get my drift...), and instead of giving her the brush-off as I normally would because I'm not physically attracted to her, I hung out with her for a while and got to know her better.

I met some of her friends (this was her church) and I made an effort to take a real interest in them and this made me realize that I have a tendency to think of people more as "things" than actual people, or you could say forces to be dealt with. By taking a genuine interest in them I realized that I can improve my social life drastically without being overly-concerned about my appeal to women. In other words, I think I'm laying a foundation right now that I will be able to build upon week by week, and of course this will include getting back in the saddle with women.

After the concert, I went up onto the stage and conversed with the lead guitarist (a friend of mine who I have filled in for on occassion) and with the rest of the band. I also talked with several other people at length, including the pastor, a very nice, down-to-earth guy. He wants my band to play at his church in the near future.

I just want to build myself up as a man with a great life as my very first priority, and by doing so I know I will have a firmer foundation in dealing with women. I decided to order a Bowflex (I have a chronic disease which makes my joints extremely prone to injury with free weights), and I'll be working out regularly as I know this is foundational to being a well-rounded man. Next will come improving my diet and stopping going to bed so late. I also plan to focus more on my business (self-employed), and look for more opportunities to increase my customer base. I intend to relate more with my customers and take more of a genuine interest in their businesses and their lives. Although I always give the impression of doing this, I now want to take a serious interest.

Now, I have the rest of the weekend to deal with. Instead of wallowing in my loneliness, I'm going to head out to the beach and converse with some people (male and female...whatever). Sunday, I'll go to church and then maybe hook up with my keyboard player to help her with her parts. Then Monday, I'll get to wok improving my station in life in whatever ways I can.

Thanks again for the great tips and the inspiration!