I dunno if everyone's extended family is like this, but mine is.
What I'm talking about is a subtle kind of frame dominance.
Usually at Christmas, aunts and uncles and other people who haven't seen me for a while will ask stuff like
"How's college going?"
"You doing anything over the holidays?"
"What you been up to?"
In previous years, I would qualify myself and feel bad because they totally owned the frame. I would say stuff like
"College is going pretty well. My GPA is X. Over the holidays, I might go to a few parties or just relax at home. I haven't been up to much, but staying at home and doing XYZ."
The tone of their questions and responses is that they expect me to give them big fanciful answers to meet their expectations. I get a sense that they're trying to make themselves feel better by comparing themselves to me.
Like "Oh, since you told us you were just staying at home, we're not going to tell you about the vacation we're taking to Denver to go skiing." or whatever.
I may even be reading too much into it. The fact is, those questions got me feeling insecure in years past, not because I was actually insecure with how I was doing in college or what I was doing over the holidays or how I didn't care and didn't follow football (a topic they always try to bring up). No, the reason I felt insecure is because I wasn't confident enough to tell them how I really felt. I would always try to contour my answers to please them. You lie to yourself when you do this. I don't even need to explain how horrible this type of thing is to seduction, but you should carry your mindsets and attitudes with you ALL the time, not just in the presence of a hot girl.
"So you go to any college football games this year?"
Me in the past: "Nah, I had tons of homework. A lot of my friends went though."
Don't buy into the frames that they want you to buy into, or the ones you think they want you to buy into. There's nothing that says you have to like football or match their expectations. Live in your own reality.
So my response for this year will be:
"Nah, I'm really not into football."
That's IT.
Just be honest with yourself and them. Don't fall into their frames. Own the frame. No need to be RUDE and tell them off, since, after all, they may just be trying to make conversation. Just speak your mind without sugar-coating everything.
You will feel a much greater sense of peace with yourself.
What I'm talking about is a subtle kind of frame dominance.
Usually at Christmas, aunts and uncles and other people who haven't seen me for a while will ask stuff like
"How's college going?"
"You doing anything over the holidays?"
"What you been up to?"
In previous years, I would qualify myself and feel bad because they totally owned the frame. I would say stuff like
"College is going pretty well. My GPA is X. Over the holidays, I might go to a few parties or just relax at home. I haven't been up to much, but staying at home and doing XYZ."
The tone of their questions and responses is that they expect me to give them big fanciful answers to meet their expectations. I get a sense that they're trying to make themselves feel better by comparing themselves to me.
Like "Oh, since you told us you were just staying at home, we're not going to tell you about the vacation we're taking to Denver to go skiing." or whatever.
I may even be reading too much into it. The fact is, those questions got me feeling insecure in years past, not because I was actually insecure with how I was doing in college or what I was doing over the holidays or how I didn't care and didn't follow football (a topic they always try to bring up). No, the reason I felt insecure is because I wasn't confident enough to tell them how I really felt. I would always try to contour my answers to please them. You lie to yourself when you do this. I don't even need to explain how horrible this type of thing is to seduction, but you should carry your mindsets and attitudes with you ALL the time, not just in the presence of a hot girl.
"So you go to any college football games this year?"
Me in the past: "Nah, I had tons of homework. A lot of my friends went though."
Don't buy into the frames that they want you to buy into, or the ones you think they want you to buy into. There's nothing that says you have to like football or match their expectations. Live in your own reality.
So my response for this year will be:
"Nah, I'm really not into football."
That's IT.
Just be honest with yourself and them. Don't fall into their frames. Own the frame. No need to be RUDE and tell them off, since, after all, they may just be trying to make conversation. Just speak your mind without sugar-coating everything.
You will feel a much greater sense of peace with yourself.
whining to other people who SHOULDN't be helping you is horrible, but to those who WANT to help you is great. I should really confront my family, they've already exhausted the "what do you do" lines with the "how's the weather" lines when I was younger... after a while they sat me down for heart to heart talks, than told me to go out and play... chopped than played!