Don't obey your parents?

[Demystify]

First off, I know that it's cool to be close to your family and keep their values and traditions, so I am not saying anything against that.

But it seems that most DJs I know don't obey their parents rules very closely. They do what they want. If they want to do something that their parents are against (for example: smoke, get tattoos, become a skinhead) they do it regardless of whether it pisses their parents off.

Also, I am by far the most obedient of my siblings and I've also done the worst with women, being the only one that's a virgin and never had a girlfriend. The one who does the best with women is the one who is the biggest troublemaker (he has been arrested, he comes home whenever he wants, etc).


So what does everyone think?

 

[Luke Skywalker]

Did someone just call my name?

I obey my parents, I'm 32 years old and like you have some limited experience, but nothing really solid, and am also a virgin, but subscribe to the wait until marriage to have sex thing. I love my mom and my dad and they could be involved in whom I'm going out with and there is no privacy in here. I'm the only child and I'm a surrogate husband to my mother when dad's not around and take her places. You would think that a nice guy like me that's good to his parents would be blessed to have a nice girl in my life, but that's obviously not the case.

 

[Demystify]

Did someone just call my name?

I obey my parents, I'm 32 years old and like you have some limited experience, but nothing really solid, and am also a virgin, but subscribe to the wait until marriage to have sex thing. I love my mom and my dad and they could be involved in whom I'm going out with and there is no privacy in here. I'm the only child and I'm a surrogate husband to my mother when dad's not around and take her places. You would think that a nice guy like me that's good to his parents would be blessed to have a nice girl in my life, but that's obviously not the case.

I'm about 9 years younger but from what you've described I could potentially be you in a decade. I don't really think helping my parents out is a bad thing. The bad thing is following their exact rules/regime and having all the acts I do be ones that please them and don't upset them. When I think it should be the other way around, I should do stuff that I want to do regardless of whether it pleases them or upsets them.

 

[I'm Charming]

Sounds like you guys are only part of your parents lives but not in control of your own, its your lives, do what you want and dont be obstructed by other people, have respect for your family, but at the end of the day do what you want to do in life.

 

[Luke Skywalker]

Right, but you see the thing is, I hold one head with my parents, and in particularly my mom most of the time. In a sence, I don't really see myself as obeying my parents but living in harmony with them or hiding behind them would be a better portrait. Obviously, if I really had to obey them and do things that are contrary to what I want, or not do something I'm fully settled that I want to do, then there would be too much friction on here and you'd react in some way. However, on the other hand, if you feel stifiled, then you can not fully discover yourself because you are too sheltered -- and you have that overly sheltered momma's boy look.

 

[ready123]

obeying your parents and your success with women have nothing to do with each other

that's like blaming the type of soda you drink

 

[Luke Skywalker]

obeying your parents and your success with women have nothing to do with each other

that's like blaming the type of soda you drink

Unless, of course, your parents order you not to be successful wtih women, and you obey them.

 

[Demystify]

obeying your parents and your success with women have nothing to do with each other

that's like blaming the type of soda you drink

Well just look at most DJs then. I'm willing to bet they weren't the most obedient of their siblings but were instead the most rebellious to their parents out of their siblings.

 

[I'm Charming]

obeying your parents and your success with women have nothing to do with each other

that's like blaming the type of soda you drink

I think the upbringing you recieve and the type relationship you have with your parents will to a certain extent govern your societal interactions later on in life, I dont think there is a huge connection, but its not totally irrelevant.

 

[Luke Skywalker]

Well just look at most DJs then. I'm willing to bet they weren't the most obedient of their siblings but were instead the most
rebellious to their parents out of their siblings.

This is almost sounding like a nice guy vs. jerk rant, where the nice guy is the docile boy that lives with his parents and obey them, and the jerk is the black sheep of the family. But, what exactly is your point? Do you want to sell your soul to be successful with women now?

 

[ready123]

Unless, of course, your parents order you not to be successful wtih women, and you obey them.

Is that what really happens? "I order you not to be successful with women! I do not want grandchildren! You must suck with women or I will beat you!"

I was trying to explain the breakdown in logic. Guy can't get laid. Guy also feels he has shortcomings (overbearing parents, looks, etc). Guy can't think clearly and blames his inability to get laid on his shortcomings when they have no correlation.

 

[ready123]

Well just look at most DJs then. I'm willing to bet they weren't the most obedient of their siblings but were instead the most rebellious to their parents out of their siblings.

that's a misconception. just go ask the Asians on this board who are getting success. the Confucian values of the old days (don't complain, work hard and shut up) set the tone for family

at the same time, if you're 23 and are self-sufficient, nothing should really be stopping you from experiencing life. if your parents are still taking care of you though...

 

[Demystify]

Is that what really happens? "I order you not to be successful with women! I do not want grandchildren! You must suck with women or I will beat you!"

I was trying to explain the breakdown in logic. Guy can't get laid. Guy also feels he has shortcomings (overbearing parents, looks, etc). Guy can't think clearly and blames his inability to get laid on his shortcomings when they have no correlation.

I'm not blaming it on my parents NOR am I saying my parents don't want me to have a girlfriend. I've just come to the conclusion that the things my parents didn't want me to do while raising me were the things that would've opened me up more to the world and made me into the kind of guy that girls want. For instance they wouldn't let me watch any films with sex or nudity until about 16. Answer this question: do you think if I was exposed to sex/nudity at an earlier age then I would've wanted to get laid sooner thus I would've figured this all out at an early age like most guys who perpetually do well with women do?

 

[Demystify]

that's a misconception. just go ask the Asians on this board who are getting success. the Confucian values of the old days (don't complain, work hard and shut up) set the tone for family

at the same time, if you're 23 and are self-sufficient, nothing should really be stopping you from experiencing life. if your parents are still taking care of you though...

Well, I am still in college, so yes they're still mildly supporting me but I do have a job. I'm not necessarily referring to right now though. If you'll look in my previous post you'll see that it also refers to how I was raised.

 

[ready123]

I'm not blaming it on my parents NOR am I saying my parents don't want me to have a girlfriend. I've just come to the conclusion that the things my parents didn't want me to do while raising me were the things that would've opened me up more to the world and made me into the kind of guy that girls want. For instance they wouldn't let me watch any films with sex or nudity until about 16. Answer this question: do you think if I was exposed to sex/nudity at an earlier age then I would've wanted to get laid sooner thus I would've figured this all out at an early age like most guys who perpetually do well with women do?

sht, my parents wouldn't let me have a gf until I was 18 and by then I was too socially retarded to make it happen. I wasn't allowed to go to the damn mall because they were paranoid about gang violence. Couldn't even fade my hair. Wasn't allowed to talk on the phone because I lived too far away from friends and it cost too much. But who gives a fvck. We're grown up already

What good does it do you to DWELL on your past. None - it just makes your attitude negative, puts you in a victim mindset, and wastes time thats better spent looking forward trying to better yourself

 

[Bible_Belt]

Unless, of course, your parents order you not to be successful wtih women, and you obey them.

Luke, you and I believe in the same bible, and I know that the commandment to 'honor thy mother and father' has to come into your mind. I bet your mom uses it as a guilt trip if you ever stand up to her.

I think the younger a person is, the more important it is to "obey" your parents, especially because they are the ones paying your bills. All parents should have the backbone to stand up to their kids and say "if you don't like it, get the fvck out." That is really what a lot of rebellious teenage types are trying to find - limits.

Women are the same way and will push you like a child to find your limits. Mothers and girlfriends are no different in this regard.

Luke, you don't honor your mother by being a pvssy.

Not her chauffeur, not her personal assistant, not her husband, nor her best buddy. And not your dating coach. You honor her by being a man. That includes standing up to her. By letting any woman push you around, even your own mother, you violate the principles of the male-female dynamic as set forth in that same bible that seems to mean two different things to you and me. Look at the great men of the bible and see if they let any nagging woman push them around. They don't, and when they do, their lives start turning to sh!t, like David with Bathsheba and Sampson with Delila. Yours is sh!t right now, because you let a woman push you around.

 

[Desdinova]

But it seems that most DJs I know don't obey their parents rules very closely.

Do you actually know what the purpose of raising children is? Most people don't.

When people have kids, they usually do it for one of the following reasons:

1) It was an accident
2) They like kids
3) She's hears her biological clock ticking
4) They need someone to take care of them when they're old
5) To pass on the family name
6) To help out around the house / farm
7) To strengthen their relationship

This is all fine and dandy, but they're all really 5hitty reasons to have a kid.

The actual purpose of having a child is to raise them to become a successful adult human being.

When you continue to suck at your mom's teat in your adult years, you are NOT a successful adult human being. You're still a child. Your parents need to allow you to fvck up on your own so you can learn from your mistakes. If they hold your hand, kiss your booboos, and hand you the teat everytime you cry, they're doing a 5hit job of parenting and continue to make you dependent on them.

The one who does the best with women is the one who is the biggest troublemaker

The ones who are the most successful with women are the ones who are confident in themselves. When a person is confident, he doesn't need his hand held, he doesn't need a teat to suck, and he doesn't need a kiss to make his booboos better. He can take care of himself without relying on the success of others.

...oh yeah, moved to Anything Else forum.

 

[Mistic]

for example: smoke, get tattoos, become a skinhead)

A smoking, tatooed neo-nazi doesn't sound like much of a DJ. It's not about disobeying your parents and becoming some kind of fvck head, just because. .

If your parents are with it, you can follow their lead, if their not, do your own thing.

 

[Luke Skywalker]

Luke, you and I believe in the same bible, and I know that the commandment to 'honor thy mother and father' has to come into your mind. I bet your mom uses it as a guilt trip if you ever stand up to her.

How much do you want to bet because you owe me money? She never says that line. The most she'll say if there is a real problem is that I'm free to move out of here, but nothing has ever got to that stage, and really, they are paying most of the bills anyway.

Women are the same way and will push you like a child to find your limits. Mothers and girlfriends are no different in this regard.

Luke, you don't honor your mother by being a pvssy.

Not her chauffeur, not her personal assistant, not her husband, nor her best buddy. And not your dating coach. You honor her by being a man. That includes standing up to her.

Sure, but if I'm doing nothing, I'm not going to favour being an internet bum (I pay for the internet in here at least) over taking her out, and some of the stuff is really situational anyway. There is not really much to stand up to her on since we are in agreement most of the time.

By letting any woman push you around, even your own mother, you violate the principles of the male-female dynamic as set forth in that same bible that seems to mean two different things to you and me. Look at the great men of the bible and see if they let any nagging woman push them around. They don't, and when they do, their lives start turning to sh!t, like David with Bathsheba and Sampson with Delila. Yours is sh!t right now, because you let a woman push you around.

My mom wears the pants in here, my dad because he has NO self-control is messed up. He gave up his control a long time ago. So, you can talk all you want about the male-female dynamic, but it ain't in this environment where my dad is more of an older brother than a father in a single parent family of my mom.

Secondly for the OP, I think a set-up where you are obeying your parents or being a good boy to seek their approval makes characteristics that may be approval-seeking just from sort of being under someone, and you just become a natural approval-seeking AFC. So, in regards to this, what the OP is saying, seems to jive with theory. I actually did a search with 'approval-seeking' on posts, and from what I read, most of those posts describe me to some degree or another and have 'approval-seeking' virtually written on my forehead which is also probably why I'm not very successful with girls.

However, if you are obeying your parents because they are talking common sence and are sort of anchoring you from doing something you know is stupid then, which is usually the case, then they are acting more like council rather than authoritarian.

 

[Bible_Belt]

If you want to be nice to mommy, that's fine. Give her a ride once in a while. But don't let her tell you whom to date. You have told us before that she gets to tell you which girls are good enough for her required approval. You have not had girlfriends yet to find this out, but no woman is going to tolerate being second to your mom. They really hate that.

Your Dad's mistakes are his and your mother's problem. Let them do what they do, but that has no bearing on you. You don't deserve anything less because of any trait of either of your parents. Let them be fvcked up, but don't hide behind it or use it as an excuse.

You are getting a little screwed over by the cultural factor of it being normal to live at home as a young adult in Caribbean culture, but not in North American culture, and that's not very fair, but neither is life. No woman is going to respect you until you move away from your parents. I've heard my own girlfriend and her friends laugh at the idea of a man living with his mother. You have to decide between the comforts of living at home and the comforts that a woman can offer you.