Don't know what to do with this

[QuantumFool]

Hi all, this is my first post after lurking here for a while. The only reason I'm posting is because I'm confused as all hell about a situation I'm in. Some quick info on me:

I'm not especially good looking but women say I look much younger than I am (45). I do okay with women because I'm fun and outgoing. Some find that makes up for my looks (my theory anyway). I'm also broke as fk from my divorce six years ago- got cleaned out with tons of debt so I wish I found a site like this back then. The few ladies I pull in don't mind I'm broke and will usually bankroll nights out.

Anyway, so I had this woman friend I knew for a couple years. We were coworkers and just started hanging out drinking. We had some moments when I thought we'd go all the way after some fooling around but something always messed it up. So I guess we just fell into a non-sex friend thing.

But I got in deep with her. Fell in love and sh!t. But she got recently married so I just sort of left it alone and she said stuff like she didn't want to mess up her marriage even though she wanted to be with me and she'd kiss me from time to time. But she started talking about divorce but I guess that was just for my benefit.

Everything was cool until Sunday. A bunch of sh!t happened that made me realize she played me or I played myself. First, I was in a dry streak and feeling a bit randy. We were drinking and I told her that I had another woman friend who was on board with doing stuff so I was going to hit her up to help get rid of the pressure. And she gets all pissed off and starts telling me I need to get my own woman and put effort in a relationship or get a hooker.

I'm like, what the hell is going on here? Long story short is that she thought I was hinting I was going to ask her for a "favor" and she confessed that she was never, ever attracted to me and all the fooling around was because she thought it was something I needed.

So I tell her to get the fk out. In my mind she played me for two years pretending to be sexually interested in me to keep me in her orbit. So like, whatever, she played me time to move on.

But I can't. I feel like I broke up with a real girlfriend. She tried to contact me all night Sunday and Monday but I sent a message on Facebook telling her to stop.

The worst part is that I keep hoping she'll ignore that or try to fight for me or at least our friendship. But she was so devastated that I kick her out that she immediately went out drinking with one of her other male friends.

My sister told me a year ago she was playing me and that if I didn't fk her then I was setting myself up for pain because sis knew that I was being held in thrall by this chick's sexuality. Holy fk I was stupid.

So last night I went out with the lady I told my friend I was going to go out with and had a great night and awesome sex. I feel a whole lot better. But I can't get that other woman out of my mind. Again, I keep hoping that there was something she found valuable and she wants to reconcile.

I guess we'll chalk this up to "How many mistakes can a newb make before he realizes he was played."

There's some other stuff but I don't want this to ramble on. Not sure what I want from you guys but I had to get this out.

 

[apprenticedj]

First off I'm glad you got that off your chest, it's a tough thing to keep pent up inside. This place is great for venting, you may catch a lot of crap from some posters but mostly everybody here likes to help.

Secondly don't beat yourself up too bad for this. Sometimes we can ignore the biggest red flags because we won't so badly to be with a certain person. Believe me, I have first hand experience with this.

Your best bet would be to go NC with this "friend" because you're in bad shape right now and she may be able to exploit that. Furthermore I don't think a pure friendship (meaning no sexual behaviour) can exist between the two of you simply because you'll be forever hoping things can change. They cannot. She plainly told she wasn't attracted to you but, as you correctly figured out, she wanted to keep you in her orbit.

Best of luck to you my friend and don't hesitate to post here.

 

[Slickster]

So this "girlfriend" is married and has been playing you along as well as some other guy too. (The friend she got drunk with after your "breakup"). How many other guys does she have in her web?

Does this sound at all like a woman you should be wasting a second thought on?

Grab a pair of balls, tell her to fvck off for good and get on with it.

 

[QuantumFool]

Replies

Thanks, guys, for the encouragement. Was expecting a lot of flaming or something. No worries about me contacting her, though.

More background: Right after my divorce I ended up "husbanding" a couple ladies- you know, doing those things like fixing stuff up around their houses or giving them encouragement and advice. But it ended badly for me and hurt like hell so I made a rule for myself (remember, I didn't even know there was a such thing as a manosphere back then) that there won't be any emotional bond without a physical bond first. And like a dumb fk I let this chick get around that and I'll never do that again. You know what's weird is that I thought that rule made me an ahole but it actually made me more of a man.

"In a way you're lucky, since most guys don't have the benefit of being told the truth and spend many months and even years wondering what the real deal was. When the truth was staring them right in the face the whole time."

It was staring me in the face the whole time too but I didn't recognize it even my own fking sister did. I mean, when does a woman tell her brother to fk a woman or move on? Holy crap I was stupid. She's been helping me through this after saying, "I'll just get this out once and then stop: told you so."

"This is probably the first time you ever acted like a man during this "relationship" of yours with this woman.

You're not really going to go back to acting like a chump are you?"

No, I won't go back. I may even lose real friends if I did from their contempt of me. Unfortunately the woman made this public because when she went to that bar after she was supposedly broken down and since she's hot a lot of guys where comforting her. But our mutual friends called her out on it because they know me and if I just go back they'll be pissed for standing up for me and I turned around and acted like a chump. I realize now how lucky I am to have them.

The only reason I came here to dump is because I don't want to burden them with this or fking keep saying the same sh!t over and until they get tired of me. Don't want to be that Paul Rudd character from "40 Year Old Virgin."

"You have two choices: be a man and cut this woman out of your life, or go back to being treated like a used tampon while she fvcks other guys and complains about them to you, all the while stringing you along and maybe kissing you here and there every once in a while."

How many other guys does she have in her web?

So I had the feeling she's fking other guys... oh sh!t. Yeah, okay, I get it. She did complain a lot about her other 'male' friends and her husband to me. Ah crap this just keeps getting better. Fk me. Now I'm pissed again. Feels better than sad, tell you what.

Thank you all. She's done. Has to be. I'll keep busy, try to get some work done (been putting a lot of work off), maybe double up on the exercise to clear the head.

 

[apprenticedj]

Making mistakes due to ignorance can be forgiven but now your eyes are open my friend. Stick to that rule you made, I'm confident that you'll be wiser going forward.

 

[QuantumFool]

Update

So I basically called in sick to work for the last few days because my head wasn't in the game and in my job you're either 100% or gone. So it's better to miss work than fk it up. Boss was cool with it.

Still holding my ground. Kicking myself in the arse because I let this happen and I know better. Venting here so my friends don't have to put up with my mopey whiney arse. Going out tonight, hang with some friends, and who knows?

This fking sucks. I want all the newb DJs to understand that. Aint no man on this planet deserves this sh!t. Guard your heart. Seriously, it's the best part of you and some fking vampire out there wants to get her fking claws into it and use it all up.

Done ranting. Thanks SS for the outlet.