Don't know what to do, some advice please

[StoneZA]

Hi guys,

Whenever I'm in dire need of some serious advice when it comes to women, I always find myself coming back to this forum. The previous occasions I've had some good advice and a fair amount of criticism, but I suppose that's normal, given that we state our problems here and seek advice from others.

Anyhow, let me get to the point. Usually I chat on program on my cellphone and chatted up this one girl. I decided to phone her at one stage and her friend picks up her phone. Wasn't long after that, before her friend messaged me and asked me what's my nickname so that she could invite me on the chat program.

Long story short, the girl and myself really have a lot of things in common and we have been chatting a long while now. We have been chatting nearly every single night for the past month and are very fond of each other's conversation.She lost both her parents in a car accident earlier this year, is an only child, does have other family around, but I can tell, she's really lonely.

About a week ago, she lost a very close friend in a car accident on the night we were suppose to meet for the first time. She apologized, and said she didn't want to lose me, and needs me and that I shouldn't be angry. Of course I reassured her, she has nothing to worry about. This past week, she had family of her friend that passed away living with her.

She hasn't text messaged me whatsoever the past week, although I have phoned her 3 - 4 times (during the past week) and we had some conversations, and chatted in the evenings as well. However, she had an argument with the people living with her, they started fighting and she was very down hearted over the weekend. We didn't really chat at all over the weekend, but I knew she had a lot on her plate, keeping everyone happy, making funeral arrangements etc.

Today (Monday) was the day of the funeral, and I decided that I wasn't going to contact her whatsoever and only sent her a text message saying, I hope she was doing ok, that I'm thinking of her and that I would provide some space and time for her to get over the pain of losing her friend.

Now, the thing is.. I can't stop thinking about this girl.. even though we haven't physically met, I can already feel that I'm somewhat attached to her, BUT at the same time, I don't want to scare her off either, by making a nuisance of myself. She says, I'm never a nuisance, however, too much of a good thing is also bad.

My friend suggested, I should wait for her to contact me again, however, I feel that if I don't try and phone her tomorrow at some stage she might think, I'm a bad guy, and that I might have lost interest in her. So what must I do... play the waiting game, or take control and contact her. I know what she does for a living, however, I don't know where she works, I don't know her physical address, but I know in which area she lives.

I really wanted to give her flowers, but that would only work if she contacts me and invites me over or have me meet her at a coffee shop. I really don't want to see any replies saying, I must ditch the girl and find a new one, I'm not going to give up on her, unless she distinctively tells me that she is no longer interested.

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[PokerStar]

dont dump her but shes in a world of hurt right now and it might take a bit for her to recover and get back to her senses. ive met girls online and some of them it took almost 2 years to actually physically meet them

but i would not send her flowers just yet. that might creep her out. (might not, she might think it was really sweet of you)

just keep busy with other girls and your hobbies for now.

If you say that you two have grown accustomed together it wont matter when she will be contacting you, you just now that she will.

 

[SecondHalf]

I'm not judgmental, OK, maybe a little, but only because I've been where you are now (and maybe a little vulnerable for this type of thing now myself).

Two things you should think about ...

1) Beware the Capt'n-save-a-ho syndrome.
2) Debbie downer chic.

It's always, ALWAYS easier for AFC's (again, not judging, healing and recognizing it as it hits close to home) to fix someone other than oneself.

Also, might want to move beyond damaged goods.
If she calls you, fine. If not, who cares, you'll be spinning other plates.

SH

 

[StoneZA]

Guys, sorry to be reviving this thread of mine, but I thought it would be better to post here than to make a complete new thread.

Yesterday, it's been 2 months since I've been chatting with the girl who I spoke of in my original post in this thread and we still haven't met. Now, a lot of you I know would probably suggest that I should move on and let her be, but I feel that there was a reason that I met this girl.

Now a lot has transpired since I made my first post. This past month, she went through two court cases. The first one was against her ex (he assaulted her) and the second one she attended was for the person who caused both her parents to be killed in a car accident. So she has had a lot of trauma to deal with, which I respect.

I understand that she doesn't want me to come to her house because her ex lives 3-4 houses away from her and she doesn't want me to get involved if he pitches up there. On previous occasions when I asked her out, she did say, she'll let me know, but never didn't (but these occasions were before the court cases). Yesterday morning, for the first time ever, she phoned me out of the blue (I have phoned her numerous times before) and we had a brief but nice chat.

Last night we had another chat via the chat program on our cellphones, and she mentioned that she can't believe that a guy like me that has a qualification and whose busy with his masters degree can be interested in a ordinary girl like her. Appears to me that she has a low self-esteem, it's not as if I bragged about my qualification or anything to make her feel insignificant, she also mentioned that she's so happy to have me in her life.

I want to phone her today and ask her out for Thursday for some coffee, even if it's only for 10 minutes. I'm going to mention to her that we can go out, just as friends because I'm not going to force her to be my girlfriend or anything. If she declines me, so be it.. I'll be patient some more.. but on the other hand I just feel that the time has come to meet her face 2 face for a change so that there can be some progression.

She did mention about a week ago that she must drop her stubbornness and meet me because I mean a lot to her and perhaps it will make her feel better (because of all the pain and trauma that she went through with the guy's court case responsible for her parents' car accident) once we have met.

I do get the feeling she's hiding something from me, I'm not going to confront her about it, so I'll see what she has to say. What do you guys think I should do, besides dumping her and moving on (which I don't want to do). She told me that there is just a couple of more things to finalize then we can meet, however, what those couple of things are, I have know idea, I think it's just an excuse she's using in not having enough confidence to go out and meet me. But I'll hear what she has to say after I have spoken with her later today.

Anything else I can try to coax her into going out and meeting me ?

Constructive responses and advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

 

[Delly2000]

Hey man,

I see you really like this girl. I bet she is a real looker. Just hang in there. If its meant to be she will come around. Here are two scenarios that may some use of thinking about.

There were several girls I have chatted with online that I was really trying to meet up with. They made it seem like they were down but something always came up or whatever. I would chase for like months. And nothting never materialized. I just stop contacted and they never contacted. In short they really wasn't interested even though they gave lip service. This could have been a defiecincy in my game...now to the second scenario.

I was chatting with this girl on facebook. Just added her. Chatted her up from time to time. Told her I wanted to take her out. No pressure. Weeks would go by. Then one day she said I seem like a good conversationalist and that we need to meet. Didnt happen right away..weeks would go by. We actually met and had a romance that lasted a few months.

I think you need to hang back a bit. Become centered. It seems like she has too much space in your life. And it doesn't help that you havent really met yet..thats when you really start to feel a person out. Then months and years after the first meeting is when you really get to know them.

So go real slow. Don't pressure her. Don't discuss problems or dwell on them. And most importantly date others. You are probably missing out on some good ones buddy by being fixated on this one. If its meant to be it will come..dont need it.

 

[scrouds]

Now, a lot of you I know would probably suggest that I should move on and let her be

You are becoming a wise man. You know the proper advice. But you have much to learn and grow, because while you know, you don't want that advice. You want other advice, easier to swallow advice.

Let go, this once, and see how it turns out. This is going to put you on the spot. Its certaintly not an easy thing. But you know what you need to do.

 

[The_411]

The hardest part is cutting someone loose who hasn't done anything bad to you.

There are red flags popping up everywhere here. This woman will likely wear you down and could cause lots of problems

She lost her parents that's rough for anyone and there are people who can show great strength as a result and are able to lead normal lives. However that's the exception to the rule. It's not cool to discriminate but why should you walk into a situation where the odds are stacked against you ...

She's also an alleged victim of domestic abuse which is another massive strike/red flag. I say alleged because one never knows if she was the one doing the abusing and due to the laws got the guy into trouble.

The fact of the matter is that this woman is severly damaged her fault or not, so you must not hesitate to cut the cord and eject if she turns out to be emotionally unstable otherwise you may get sucked into a very damaging relationship.

I know I'm sounding harsh but I'm speaking from experience in dealing with an unstable (BPD) woman. It's a hell I wouldn't wish upon anyone. It still affects me even after it being over 4 years. That past relationship still has its effects on me. They are minimal but the residual effects are still there.