Don't Have Any Friends and I Feel Like ****

[~attrACTION~]

I don't have friends, that's why I'm ranting here. At least, I don't have any friends where I'm living right now...

It really sucks. I've been living here for almost a year, and I barely know a few people. I feel like such an outsider, it blows.

Am I the only one who hates Facebook? Wtf is so special about it??? I don't get the hype. To be honest, I think it's very girly. Even if I had friends I wouldn't use it to the extent that some people obsess over it. Ridiculous.

I've tried joining clubs at school. I don't really like any of them. I've tried talking to people here and there. Played basketball at the gym to get know some guys, etc. But I never really hung out much with them. It's like they just slipped away and broke off contact.

It's really tough finding friends here. Most guys are either ultra-nerds or frat guys. I thought about joining a frat, but it's not worth the money or the time.

Why can't I find someone who lives a balanced life? Studies weekdays and parties weekends, without being in a frat?

A couple minutes before writing this post I called one of the guys I know...and he picked up and hung up on me. I've asked this mother****er to go clubbing with me 3 times and he keeps saying yes and changing his mother****ing mind everytime. Wtf.

I get the feeling I'm not liked here. It's hard to swallow, but that's the conclusion I'm coming to. I want to move away...I seriously can't stand this town. I'm not a boring person. I have been very liked by lots of people when I used to live somewhere else. But I just can't seem to fit in here, whether I try to fit in or not...I just don't get how to make friends here.

It's not all in my head. I kept thinking "it's all in my head." It's not. People are ****ing reserved here. On several occasions I've started talking to someone and they look at me like "what planet are you from?" I seriously have felt like punching them in the ****ing face. Or telling them to go **** themselves. It's like my hospitality is not welcome.

I seriously don't know how else to go about finding friends. I've tried studying with people in my classes and then taking it from there, but most people prefer studying alone.

Then there's the religious kids. You start hanging out with these guys and think they're really cool - and then they reveal their agenda of wanting to convert you all along. Wtf. I hate that.

Anyone else here sick and f'n tired of where they live? Each day that passes by, I feel more and more like shooting someone. I feel like being one of those people who goes into a restaurant and blows everyone's head off. I've had lots of thoughts about committing a crime just for kicks. I'm really at a loss for words, thoughts...I feel worse than I've ever felt before.

I wanted to go out tonight just to get smashed, as an escape from this sh!tty reality I'm living...but what the **** is the point - tomorrow morning I'd wake up to the same sh!t.

I feel so awful. How can you be happy when you don't have a social life? I am tired of being such a loner. It's really getting to me. I've been alone for so long that it hurts. **** going to the club, I'm going to sleep.

Maybe one of these days you'll hear about a shooting on the news, and it will be me.

Thanks for listening/reading.

 

[dap]

Here are a couple ideas:
*Go to big parties to meet people. Stuff where everyone is invited, etc. People are usually very friendly at parties, ecspecially if theyve been drinking
*Rush a fraternity. Even if you don't join, you will meet a LOT of people in the rushing process (not only in frats, but other people who are rushing too who may be in your same situation)

I'll keep thinking about this, good luck.

 

[Zero Hero]

I know how you feel. That's how college is. Everyone is trying to project an image. I am older and at college and don't even really want friends here. You can use it to your benefit, though. If you can pull off an older, more mature guy image, you will be much more valuable than any frat guy to the ladies, but I don't really have the answer as far as where to meet them.

 

[Delta]

this is the thing about making friends and dating that this site resolutely refuses to acknowledge:

MOST PEOPLE TRY TO KEEP TO THEMSELVES! they REPEL invaders into their space/lives. it may not always have been like this but it tends to be like this NOW (in america).

you don't get your OWN instinct not to strike up conversations with strangers from nowhere, YOUR ENTIRE WORLD is telling you not to do that and showing you how everyone else does not do that.

so yes. it's hard.

having said that, don't sweat it too much. i've never had a lot of friends (i have maybe 3 people in my life that i can call genuine friends and i don't even see them that often) but this has never been all that big a deal for me.

is it really that big a deal for you?

for me, it sucks like heck that i can't get laid... but the presence of friends... meh. if it ain't happening, keepin' on bashing on that door ain't really gonna help and it probably hurts your chances.

so try to chill out, get a few hobbies that you can enjoy on your own... and hey, if you're friendless, YOU ARE A NERD! so come off your high horse and befriend some nerds. any headway you can make here is a good thing right?

and since you're categorizing, it makes me wonder who you're trying to befriend. are you only trying to be friends with the captain of the football team and the most popular guys on campus? what about this guy who keeps rebuffing you... what's his deal?

if you're trying to befriend into a higher social status, that might be sticking out like a sore thumb too....

so examine it... could it be you're seeking something other than friendship? perhaps utility?

as i said, if you really want some friends, hey befriends some nerds.

delta

p.s. MALES have shallower friendships than women and men's friendships usually revolve around a shared interest. SO WHAT ARE YOU INTERESTED IN? you said you disliked the clubs that you joined and stuff. well, join a club of a subject you enjoy! so that you would go to that club anyway, even if it weren't gonna turn out friends for you.

 

[bigneil]

I don't have friends, that's why I'm ranting here. At least, I don't have any friends where I'm living right now...

How is your diet? The most important thing you can do to get laid more is eat better. Get a good powdered green drink to start with. Buy organic.

 

[Doc Dogg]

Mate! Reading that was painful...Bigneil has the right idea, I'd suggest a diet change as well, so go and get yourself some skim milk and a bag of concrete and eat a bowl a day till you harden the fvck up!!!

Seriously, I was in the same situation as you a few months ago, I moved to a new town where I knew absolutely no-one...did I whine about it, of course I didn't, I did something about it. I tried a few places where I knew people would have similar interests to me and I made sure that everyone I talked to enjoyed my company. I made sure that when I walked away people though "Gee, He was great value, we should hang out with him for entertainment"

That way it isn't me being the one calling people to hang out, it is people calling me saying "hey, me and some friends are going to X and I was wondering if you wanted to come" That way I can be the one to decide whether I want to go or flake out or whatever.

Oh and don't get me started on that BS about shooting people...Be a man!!

 

[thefonz]

Man, you sound like you're in a real low place right now and let me preface what I'm about to say by saying I think you should strongly consider going out and getting on some anti-depressants before you do something that you'll regret.

Look, I don't see why you NEED friends to be happy. Contemplate what you're clinging to right now. Male relationships are not like female relationships, we don't make friends with eachother to share each other's time and companionship. Our friendships are like alliances, we hang out together because we share certain ideas or goals. First you need to figure out what you want. What the **** do you want out of life? You want everyone to like you for who you are? Guess what, it's not gonna happen because if you don't know what you want out of life than you don't have an identity. By not knowing what you want you just become another faceless people-pleaser in a crowd of nobodies who just wants to be loved. That's needy, nobody wants to be around your baggage.

Let me tell you about my stepfather. On the surface he's a very friendly talkative outgoing man. But he's lived in this area his whole life and he has no real friends he sees on a regular basis and let me tell you why. He is always trying to get people to like him. He lives a very scripted life of talking to people enthusiatically, agreeing with them, pretending to listen etc. etc. He shows the same emotions towards everyone and if you try to come up with something you know he disagrees with he just stays silent or tries to steer it into a direction where you can both agree on something about it. God forbid he should have to stand up for himself or be put in a bad light! Although he acts extroverted and enthusiastic it becomes boring and dull because you know he's just trying to get you to like him, almost desperately. I can tell by the look on his face when he's by himself and I just walk into a room that he has pent up feelings of rage, jealousy, that he doesn't let out.

So these friends have religious agendas that they try to shove down your throat? big deal. Some of my oldest closest friends try to solicit me with their bull**** philosophies all the time, I just tell them i don't believe that was and stand my ground. I have my own agenda of doing cold approaches and learning to interact with women on a whole different level from everyone else and that keeps me from feeling the need to follow their path. Stop acting like a little ***** and figure out what you want. I know I've never talked to you like this before, but I think right now this is what you need. Don't fool yourself into thinking a change of demographic will solve your problems.

 

[d9930380]

It seems like there is a general similarity between all the guys on this board who can't get laid.

They are generally social rejects trying too hard to buy friends/girl-friends by constantly being nice and therefore boring.

Sometimes a change in demographic may help because it allows you to re-invent yourself, it worked for me in the past and ironically when I came back home after a few years I fell back into the habit of being the nice-guy to my old "friends". It's VERY hard to change someone's perspective of you, it's almost like they're comfortable thinking you are a certain way and don't want you to change.

However I don't think this will be helpful to you as no-one knows you there. The secret I think is just like women to spin multiple plates, don't focus on one friend because you will seem needy as you will start calling him more than he calls you. If someone cancels on you and you think it was inconsiderate, DON'T phone them again - that's desparate and the person will loose respect for you. Make them call you first - if they don't then at least you've not wasted anytime chasing someone that doesn't give a **** about you. If you've been wronged don't just ignore it. No-one is going to take you under their wing because at the end of the day you will only become someone's friend if it benifits them, i.e. be funny, argumentive, aloof. Have qualities to bring to the table. The other thing is to remember that friends are there to benifit you, avoid people who make you look or feel worse and for this reason I would say to stay away from nerds. They will bring you down. Be a man! Oh last but not least - once someone has lost respect from you and wrote you out of their life, they might come back but that doesn't mean you should let them, chances are their oppinion of you won't have changed and the attitude they have for you will have a negative effect on you.

The world is a harsh judgemental place for adults, I think that's the reason it's much harder to make friends than when we where kids.

 

[DJF AGAIN!]

To the original poster.....

"Why can't I find someone who lives a balanced life? Studies weekdays and parties weekends, without being in a frat?"

Because majority of people, sorry to say this, are losers and followers. They follow the "popular groups" and they do what the "crowd" is doing...but see you on the other hand, you have a mind of your own....

I've felt the same way, what I did was focused more on my goals in life, my businesses, etc. Then, I focused more on my "women game" and pvssy flow. So now, I've build up a social proof of women that love me, so what does this automatically do? Well, seeing that the women love you, the guys start to love you too (sounds scary doesn't it)?

See buddy, you are the alpha male, the leader. Here's what you do:

1. Define all your goals, etc., that you want to accomplish and do what you need to accomplish them. All areas...financial, health, romance, etc....
2. Begin building up your sexual game, and begin sarging solo chicks and begin fvcking chicks on campus.

What happens, is, that you build up a reputation with the chicks on campus and you'll have a number of them giving you social proof on campus, PLUS, you're successful or GOING TO BE because you have your financial road in order.....AHHHHHH, doesn't it feel fvckin good to be the king?

What makes a guy RESPECTED and FOLLOWED by other guys, is that the guy HAS WOMEN. When you demonstrate to folks that "I'm screwing chicks over here!" What happens is that you build your own group! You get beta male guys or maybe even no so beta male guys, but you get guys coming up to you and following you now! So ummm, guess who in time becomes the man on campus?

If you guessed "YOU!" then I'll give you an "A+" for DONJUANFOREVER'S student of the month.

 

[idiot_boyfriend]

~attrACTION~,

You aren't alone. I had a really sh*tty freshman year, also, because I they roomed me with seven little girls. It was a very annoying experience. My suitemates/buildingmates didn't really like me because.... well, i'm not into girly crap. However, my current 'mates get a kick out of the stories of my past experiences. Heh.

Personally, I think college is overrated. It's full of little girls and "brahs" who think they're the sh*t because they can drink 20 shots without having their mom pay for teh velvet casket. If you don't fit in those categories, I can definitely understand how it's difficult to make friends and stuff.

It defintely was a trying time, so i'm going to tell you what worked for me: just hang in there. Focus on your education, which is the most important thing. Things WILL turn around.

P-to-the-S: facebook is gay. I got rid of it recently.... and it "Feels So Good".

If you wanna hear some of my experiences, feel free to PM me.

 

[~attrACTION~]

Thanks guys for your responses. I read what you all wrote, and then went to sit by the ocean on Saturday. I think I should do that more often, as it seems to relax me. I took a notebook with me and wrote about how I feel, and taking your advice, I thought about how irrational some of it actually is.

I thought about rushing a fraternity, but it just wouldn't be too healthy. I know guys in frats, but it seems like I haven't been able to become good friends with them.

I used to actually somewhat have that mature guy image I guess, but that is actually one reason I've had trouble attracting girls, because that's a little boring.

Anyway, I sat there, wrote, and I decided the following things...

First off, I don't need male friends. Delta, you're right, I've been trying to befriend the wrong guys, but at the same time...I don't really need guy friends. I know maybe one kid who's cool to hang out with occasionally around school, but other than that I should focus on finding some girls. DJF Again, you're absolutely right...last time I actually made any guy friends (who stopped talking to me a couple months ago after I flaked on him once), was when I approach a girl...and she was interested in me, and we may have been pretty close to dating or something but she moved away. Anyway, I become friends with her guy friends temporarily. So yeah, I definitely need to just get some girls.

bigneil: Interesting point...my diet...I think that could use some help as well. I'll try to eat healthier. I've noticed I skip meals and don't eat healthy...ie, ice cream and cookies are not a great dinner and likewise, cold pizza doesn't make a healthy breakfast. Most days I eat lots of pizza, and I need to cut back on that.

Yeah, when I made this thread I was feeling very hopeless. I was really pissed, but like fonz said I just need to stop acting like a little *****. You're right man, even though a lot of times I do sit down and write/think about what I want...I hadn't done that much lately. Hey that example about your stepfather was quite the reality check. That's almost the way I'd been lately.

Anyway, aside from thinking over things myself, I had a long talk with my folks, and just shook myself up a bit. They laughed when I told them how I'd become unconfident around chicks and talking to them definitely helped put things back into perspective.

Then last night I just started to feel a lot better. I read some old posts on approach fear / anxiety, etc. in the Tips section, and I just realized how silly I've been acting lately. Reading and just feeling like I can do it, etc.

Today, I felt incredible. Well, I didn't exactly get really social, but I just spoke whenever there was something on my mind. I was still uncomfortable/nervous in some situations but I just went out there and did it. A couple hours ago I went to a store and asked this chick where something was. She got right in my personal space and made a lot of eyecontact. Rather than step back or avoid her eyecontact, I held it, and she blushed and just stood there. I had to keep saying "okay thanks, thanks, thanks for helping me" almost as if to say 'you can go now,' LOL. It felt priceless.

I'm still a little uncomfortable and stuff, but I keep reminding myself that I have the power/control over the situation. I'm trying to smile more and just be more social. If I have anything on my mind, I'm going to give myself 3 seconds at most and just say it, no matter what. A lot of my pent up anger is due to holding back and not saying what's on my mind. I've been afraid of offending people, and that's just not how I usually am.

Right now, I'm taking things slow. I'm going to just start not being afraid to show my sexuality (like checking out girls and stuff), and try to be more comfortable when they make eye contact and get in my personal space. Then when I'm comfortable with that I'm going to start actually doing something about it. Right now I just feel great.

Thanks again guys. I'm feeling a lot better.

 

[~attrACTION~]

By the way, these are the tips I read that really helped me get back in the right mindset with regards to not being uncomfortable/scared to show interest in girls...because that's basically been a big part of my problem...

You can make this into a long and complicated thing, but the simple answer to the question, is that guys are scared of rejection. A lot of the time u will see that guys will go out, they will see a chick, they will want to approach her, but just as they are about to approach her, what do they do? They think to themselves "oh sh!t, she's probably gonna give me a negative response and I’ll get rejected and look like an idiot. Also at the back of every guys head, there is the fear that he will see her again, or that she knows someone that he knows and then he will look like even more of an idiot. After-all, the world is a very small place indeed. And if u think that this is not true, then why do u find it easier to sarge when u go over sea’s on holiday etc? Answer: a big part of the fear that u have to approach her and the fear that u have to get rejected by her falls away.

I say this because people these days care a LOT about what society thinks of them. The recent discovery of Black Italian is a good example of this. people just care to g0d-d@mn much about what everyone else thinks and WILL THINK of them.

What I do when I wanna approach a chick and get that fear (yes, even I have that fear) I just think to myself, "look, I live my life once, this chick is gonna also live HER life once, and in 100 years time, not I, or anyone else will give a sh!t if I approached a million girls and got rejected by all of them, or if I only approached on girl in my life. Buy at the end of the day, its MY life, and I want to make the best of MY life while I still have my life to live!" ... Think about it, when you are 80 years old, would you prefer to look back and have been rejected 100 times, but gotten with 50 other girls, or would you prefer to have only been rejected once or twice, but only gotten with 2 or 3 girls in your life? Luckily I started thinking like this since I was about 12 years old... and yes, I started becoming very interested in women when I was 12. Got my 1st BJ at the age of 12 too, lol

So next time you are at the mall, club, anywhere!, think to yourself, "I have this opportunity NOW, I wont have THIS opportunity again in my life, and in 100 years time no1 will care or remember if I get rejected by this ONE chick, but on the other hand, if I DONT get rejected, then that could possibly change my life! Maybe this chick and I will really kick it off after we get to know each other? and if not, then fine, at least I got to kiss/f*ck her... now is this an opportunity I want to let pass me by?!?" ... I guarantee you, that every single one of you will say "no" to that question. Now the question is... how many of you will actually APPROACH that girl? (considering this girl is a REALLY got girl and you are possibly thinking that she is even out of your league (which is also bullsh!t, because NO girl is out of your league) .... For those of you that WILL approach her, you have a chance of hooking up with this HB and maybe more? and if she rejects you, there are another 4 odd BILLION women out there to try with, but at least you gave yourself that chance to get with that girl and live your life up and NOT get to the age of 80 thinking "IF ONLY I DID THIS" and "IF ONLY I DID THAT" and "WHAT IF I..." etc. ... And for those of you that would still pass by the opportunity, well, I guess your hand will have to be working overtime ey?

Anyways... hope this helped and inspired some of you to go out there and make the most of your life

Here is another thing for you guys to think about.... When you go to a club/bar etc and see women dressed up and all pretty etc, why do you think they go through all that trouble? For who? themselves? I doubt it. Their girl friends or any other woman? maybe, if their bi or gay. Think about us, as guys... Why do we go to the shops and look for the most attractive clothes, why do some of you make threads asking which kind of women like certain kinds of pants and shirts? well, then answer is in what i just said, because we want to wear things that WOMEN will like and be attracted to, right? Its the same with women.... They don’t go to all those expensive shops and buy mini skirts and attractive clothes for fun, they do it because they want us GUYS to be attracted to them.

Now... what I want you guys to do, is when you are at a club. bar, mall, anywhere and you see a girl wearing something attractive, remember that she is wearing that because she wants guys like YOU to be attracted to her and probably hit on her. If she did not care about guys hitting on her, then she wouldn’t really care about what she looked like, she would just wear something "average".

If you think that this is not correct, then think about when you guys are surrounded by only other guys (a sleepover, etc) do you care about how u look, smell, etc NEARLY as much as when you are in the presence of an attractive woman? Well, maybe some of you will say "yes" to that, but most of you, including me, will say that we ARE more weary about how we look, smell, etc when in the presence of a woman. And yes, this works the same way when women are around men. When you see those chicks wearing those mini skirts in the middle of winter, what you think she was thinking when she put that skirt on? ... you think she was thinking "hmm... this skirt goes with this kewl tight cleavage top that I got from Diesel", or do you think they are thinking "hmm... this skirt looks f*cking sexy with this Diesel top I got, some guy BETTER notice me, because I don’t feel like freezing my little @SS off for nothing".

And yes, there WILL be those girls that will just do it for the ego boost, some chicks with boyfriends wear that stuff too, either to impress her bf, or just for the attention, or both. But the majority of the women out there in the clubs that are looking super sexy, ARE super sexy because they WANT guys to hit on them. I also know this because I have been told this by women that I am friendly with.

Now ask yourself this... "Those girls are looking all sexy & stuff, they aren’t with a guy (not that u can see, and if u don’t see them with a guy, then presume she is single, until she either tells u otherwise, or you find out one way or another), then just approach them, dance with them, chat with them, get their #, ask them to come back to your place, etc.... I mean.. the LEAST you can do is TRY, right?

If you are one of those guys that think that they are not good looking enough for a certain women (which I know ALL of you have thought at one point or another) then stop and think to yourself "wait... just like men have different "tastes" with the way women look, don’t women also have different tastes about how men look? I mean... if the last chick i approached didn’t like the way i looked, that doesn’t mean the next one will not like the way I look, right?" right. You NEVER know, maybe that chick will find u cute/hot? maybe she spotted you and is waiting for you to just approach her? maybe she is not one of those chicks that judge you like others do? maybe she is a chick that is f*cking horny at that time and YOU happened to hit on her? ... you never know, until you TRY!

Now remember, they are out there looking sexy for YOU, not for their friends, and not for the walls, but for YOU, the MAN. And if you fail, then try again, and if u fail again, then try AGAIN... I promise you that you WILL eventually succeed, and trying and failing a million times and having ONE success, is better than not trying at all and not having ANY successes.

Now stop reading this, and go out there and live it up! Don’t let yourself get to the age of 80 and have regrets about missed opportunities and experiences. You live once, make the most of it!

Guys are scared of rejection/emberassment.

Whoever it was that said he's afraid of approaching the girls he KNEW he would succeed with is retarted, and has too big of an ego in his head. You may or may not succeed with any particular woman. The best you can do is give it a shot.

There's a time and a place for guys to HIT on girls. Although I wouldn't even call it hitting on them, more like flirting.

What's wrong with talking with people about interesting things going on in your mind? What girl would reject something to spice her day up a little bit. You're not HITTING on her at the beginning, at least that's what I believe is the best way, unless you want to be known around school/work as the sleazy guy who picks up all the girls.

I would only 'hit' on her after some sort of indicators of interest. This sets up the dynamic that you CANT get rejected because you are just being friendly, and if she is busy or in a bad mood (like that girl who wrote that essay) then it's not your fault.

Honesly though, girls LOVE to be approached. Really get that into your heads. Don't YOU love to get approached? Even if the girl isn't hot it at least feels good that another person took interest in you.

We're all DYING for attention in this world. Be the guy who loves women and loves life, and you will be successful.

...Girls love getting approached. They love it even more if it's from a guy the MAY consider dating.

They will act like they think you're annoying (if you do it wrong) but DEEP DOWN they NEED to know that guys desire them.

And besides club/bar/ party settings the 'average' girl really doesn't get approached often.

That's your job, give her something to smile about.

 

[Delta]

some of it is wishful thinking though: esp the thing about women LOVE being approached.

just check out one of the main threads in the discussion right now about how women hate getting hit on by guys!

there's a thing about sosuave, dj philosophy and self help stuff in general where we insist on believing what is USEFUL instead of what is TRUE.

- useful: it is my responsibility
- truth: it may not be. not everything is under your control.

- useful: it is my fault.
- truth: someone else could have really screwed you over (especially parents!).

and

- useful: women love to get approached.
- truth: they may not! ask women you know... especially attractive ones. can you imagine how monotonous it can be for hot women... day in day out... it can get to the point where they don't even want to leave the house! and despite what all the guys say about being different and not like all the other chumps... everyone's a chump and they can smell you coming a mile away.

---------------------------------------------------------------
self help (especially when it promises unbelievable success) reminds me of the quote in the princess bride:

" life is pain. those who tell you different are trying to sell you something. " and you will notice that the dj community definitely has buttloads of e-books, cds, dvds, seminars and an ever escalatingly pricey set of stuff they want to sell ya.

---------------------------------------------------------------


SO - don't be delusional... acknowledge the reality of the world... but still embrace the useful thought - because it is the thought that allows you to ACT to change... the reality can have a paralyzing effect. and if you are paralyzed, you may end up doomed where you didn't have to.

in regards to APPROACHING - women want to be approached by someone they want to be approached by. and no one else!

you may be it.

you may not be.

so number one rule of approaching is simply BEING AWARE. being able to read the situation. and not trying to close the deal every time.

eye contact and what follows is a good first incursion. any kind of innocent interaction to gauge her reaction to you is a good second. and here is where you can chat if SHE WANTS TO. if she does, you're in and you go for a close. if she DOESN'T you've gone subtle and classy, demanded very little of her and put very little up at stake, risked very little, for yourself.

admittedly, i've had VERY LITTLE SUCCESS (read: NO) with cold approaches. that's why i have another thread that talks about how not every technique may work for every guy. but i'm glad that i made the effort to try... i really think that i CAN now - whereas before, i would have been petrified to the floor.

delta