Don't get the girl of your dreams

[Pandora]

I have a friend that I mentioned on this forum before. He lost a lot of weight, makes a little above six figures pre tax, great guy etc...generally got his life together. He meets the girl of his dreams. She is about early 30's in age and they start dating. He was elated at first but now he is disillusioned. Once the reality of this chick set in he no longer had anything to look forward to.

He finally got his prize but he realized that at the end of the day she is just a human being. She didn't ultimately make him happy. In fact he is more sad now because he found out the thing he was chasing his whole life is just fools gold. There is nothing wrong with the girl. She is cool but he sees that she is ultimately a liability and not something that will necessarily enrich his life.

I told him that her role is to be a great mother and a good wife. If we look at women for anything other than child nurturers we will always be disillusioned. This is a lesson for us. Sometimes we think that getting that girl of our dreams will solve our problems. It doesn't. It just humanizes her. They say never met your heroes because they will always disappoint you.

He has a plate that is a big slu* that his is considering making his main chick. He and this slu* have great chemistry and he has know her for years. They get along great. His logic is that if none of them add anything to your life you might as well just be with the one that is the most fun.

 

[Spaz]

A women's role is purely being able to influence via her femininity.

If she doesn't have it then she is worse then useless even if she's highly educated or of prime child bearing age.

Femininity is needed to rein in masculinity.

Each feeding off the other, an equilibrium.

It's just too bad that because men has largely ignored masculinity, feminism has flourished, not realising that absent masculinity, femininity cannot be born.

 

[AttackFormation]

Sounds like your friend is taking his first step out of the blue pill bubble. Hopefully he'll be more stoic in the future when his idealized fantasies/expectations meet reality, rather than moping about and feeling sorry for himself like a self-pitying teenager. Seeing women in terms of being either an ideal fantasy, or non-human tools when they turn out to be as human as you, honestly sounds pathetic to me and much like a BPD's mood swings.

 

[AbleDad]

Honestly, just pick someone that you can work with, have kids, and make the best of it. Think about whether they would make a good long-term parenting partner. That's it. For me, everything else in my relationship with my ex-wife became superfluous.

 

[DelayedGratification]

Honestly, just pick someone that you can work with, have kids, and make the best of it. Think about whether they would make a good long-term parenting partner. That's it. For me, everything else in my relationship with my ex-wife became superfluous.

This. Unfortunately my ex-wife checked non of those boxes, and our relationship was already toxic but I was too AFC to know any better. And once kids came along, what little positive relationship dynamic that remained was buried underneath family duties.

 

[DelayedGratification]

He finally got his prize but he realized that at the end of the day she is just a human being. She didn't ultimately make him happy. In fact he is more sad now because he found out the thing he was chasing his whole life is just fools gold. There is nothing wrong with the girl. She is cool but he sees that she is ultimately a liability and not something that will necessarily enrich his life.

Although this is obvious and something I've begun to at least subconsciously process, reading it here really adds a new dimension to my inner conflicts about dating.

The primary conflict is that I have a nice, healthy, rewarding, but part-time relationship going with my GF. It would be nice to have more social contact, and since she's poly there's no issue with me exploring. That is, no issue on her part. Anyone I might develop an interest in is quite another matter. This is the conflict that comes to the surface the rare time I get a match that looks like it could move forward to an actual date. Even if I have a good time and get along, I find myself feeling guarded.

My Saturday lunch date with the Spaniard was a classic example. Only this time around we get along well enough for a second date, which is a new problem for me to have in OLD. And I've been so focused on my primary conflict that it hasn't occurred to me to ask myself: how will this new person enrich my life?

Apologies, but can't resist: "No good, I've known too many Spaniards!"