Don Juans & Single Mothers

[Bungo Pony]

I've noticed a bit of a trend on these discussion boards with DJs being incredibly attracted to Single Mothers, and I also have to admit, I've fallen into this as well. Why do we enjoy the company of Single Mothers?

When a DJ first meets an attractive SM, he is quite blown away at the maturity level for such a good looking woman. She seems to have her head on straight and seems to know the direction she's headed in life. Then she brings up the topic of her kid(s). Most of the time, we seem to dismiss the fact that she's previously had a child with another man. It doesn't seem to matter since this girl is so intelligent and free of emotional baggage. It gives us a breath of fresh air to meet such a woman compared to the flaky bimbos that we've all ended up dating. A SM will gladly accept a date offer from a DJ.

The SM seems mature for a reason. She's had to grow up very quickly. She's had to learn adult responsibilities in a short amount of time such as cooking, cleaning, bill paying, supporting the child. Through all of this, she's developed a very mature attitude toward life and has developed the qualities that a DJ would look for in a woman.

When a man starts dating a SM, he not only has to accept her, but also her child. Thus the DJ has 2 people enter into his life at once. The DJ may also find out that he enjoys spending time with the child, and ends up bonding with 2 people at once.

But a DJ must be very careful. Was he initially looking for just an amazing woman to spend time with? Or was he looking for a child to raise? Was any of this incorporated into his future plans? How will it affect his future plans? We must not let go of what goals we have planned just because we have an "unexpected" child enter into our life. How does the child's father fit into the picture? We must take a LOT into consideration before we get involved with a woman with this other baggage.

Another thing we must take into consideration is that there are childless women out there who have not only learned from their mistakes, but have learned from their friends' mistakes. These women are very intelligent, but they're far and few between. If we keep searching, we'll find a wonderful woman without this external baggage. I must stress this DJs, keep your eyes open! Do some serious thinking before getting involved with a SM.

 

[uniassign]

Good point about SMs, but I think there is a cricital assumption that you made which may not apply:

The DJ may also find out that he enjoys spending time with the child, and ends up bonding with 2 people at once.

Most SMs I have dated will not introduce you to their child until you are very serious into the relationship. This is because she fears that the child will bond too well with you, and if you guys decide to break up, then she will have to explain to the child the reason for the break up. This is too messy in their books and would not do so.

What you really have to understand with SMs is that you are not their FIRST priority. They will flake if their child is sick, need to organise babysitters etc.

 

[Survivor]

Single mothers?...Don't get me started.

It was a SM that drove me to my so-called "breaking point" and ultimately, this web-site.

It was November of 1999 and I was on my college campus to meet with a professor when I bumped into Tina. We hadn't seen each other since junior high, ten years to be exact. Much like Bungo Pony said, we talked for a while and she seemed more open and mature than most girls I was infactuated with at the time. But hindsight is always 20/20. It was all a man-trap.

She had a five year old son, a non-existent baby-daddy and to top it off, another physically abusive ex-boyfriend. Being the chump that I was, I ignored those red flags and thought she was the best that I could do. To make a long story short, I was quickly suckered in and we were having sex in less than 24 hours.

I won't even detail the five months of torture I put myself through trying to change someone with serious internal and external baggage. Except for the kid though. Children are NOT baggage. Tina's internal issues were the baggage. The absent and abusive ex-boyfriends were the baggage. Not her son. I still think about little Carl to this day and pray he grows up to be nothing like his mother.

I cried tears of joy the day she dumped me. However, I also came to the stark realization that I had to have had some serious self-esteem issues to have even gotten involved with someone like Tina in the first place. Enter Survivor's "breaking point". My tears of joy quickly became tears of sorrow. I had to accept the fact that for the first 24 years of my pathetic-no-puzzy-gettin life, I WAS DOING SOMETHING TERRIBLY WRONG.

I scoured the net looking for answers. Sosuave was one of the sites I stumbled upon. The rest is history.

That horrible experience taught me that while theres nothing wrong with getting involved with SMs, you can't automatically assume that a woman with kids is going to be more mature and responsible than one who doesn't have children. You still have to qualify her, learn more abour her character, and not get too involved so quickly, (preferably more than 24 hours!, he,he).

Thankfully, my fiance is one of those "childless women" who has the intelligence and maturity necessary to maintain a healthy relationship. And she did'nt have to bear a child and have some fool beat the sh!t out of her to acquire it.

I am a fortunate man indeed.

 

[violator]

Getting involved with a SM, especially a good looking young SM is a disaster waiting to happen. I am sure there are exceptions, but they are few and far between.

Like Bungo said, SM usually lack the hang ups of the flakes we are used to. They don't play their games or at least keep it to a minimum. I thought I had hit the jackpot with the last SM I had dated. She was about a 9 and came off as being mature, reasonably intelligent and quite normal and even marriage material. The fact that she had three kids did not phase me at first. I made the serious mistake of putting her on the pedestal and idealizing the relationship. I soon realized that it was all a deception. What initially appeared to be a normal good natured woman was actually a woman with serious issues and major psychological problems to boot. The baggage was not her children, but her sordid past (abusive ex's, deadbeat dad, etc.). After I realized what I was getting myself into, I tossed her like a hot potato.

The lesson to be learned is do not get suckered into a relationship with a hot SM. They will come off as easy going, but in many cases there are ulterior motives behind their charm. Because their market value is already low to begin with, they must make up for it by being more accessible and open to men, hence their more friendly personality. If you are half decent looking and seem to have the finances, they will categorize you as potential fathers to their fatherless kids. The sex will come easy as an incentive to stay around. And quite often the sex is quite good, so good that you will get careless and get her pregnant and be another source of child support.

Dont' fall into the trap. They will only suck you in their own miserable lives. In short say no to SM's. If you have the patience, you will ultimately find a beautiful, level headed, childless women.

 

[KingBeef]

Single mothers are a WASTE OF TIME!!!! WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT TO GET INVOLVED WITH A GIRL THAT HAS ISSUES.... 1. SHE'S A SINGLE MOTHER (THERE'S A REASON SHE'S SINGLE)

2. HER JUDGEMENT IS PROBABLY POOR (SHE MET AN A-HOLE WHO KNOCKED HER UP AND LET HER DUMB ASS BEHIND.)

3. HAS EMOTIONAL ISSUES THAT SHE WOULD LOVE TO DUMP ON YOU

AND 4. NOT MUCH OF A FUTURE.


A smart man would realize that there are far more, single, hot and undamaged goods on the market to go for...not this CRAP!!!

- kINGBEEF

 

[wakeliquid]

well guys, i may be screwed then.

 

[ZeeOwl]

Well, it's nice to see I'm not the only idiot on this planet.

5 years ago, I got involved with a single mother with 5 kids. Yep, you heard me, 5! 4 different fathers. All dead-beat. Should have set off major alarms in my head. It did; ignored them. Why? Basically, I was desperate. I'd just gone through a (financially) painful divorce. Had been single for 2 years, and was starting to be sick of it. My self-esteem was pretty low. She was a cutie; about an 8.5 in my book. Super sweet and friendly and accomodating. Yep, she knew her market value was REALLY low... She even right out told me! Talk about stupid. I was OK looking (actually I now know that I'm about a 7, but didn't know it then), self-employed, making a decent living, Nice Guy, had kids of my own which I was supporting. The perfect catch. On our first date, she spent about 50% of the time talking about her latest ex; her youngest's dad, who had been abusive with her. More alarms; ignored them.

Fell in love with her way too fast (about 2 weeks). Partly due to her being so sweet & cute. Partly due to my personal desperation. The sex was great too; she was good at it, and had quite an appetite. Sound familiar? After about 2 months, her Act started falling apart. She had major anger management problems. Mood swings from happy to depressed to rage. An alcohol problem. The arguments began. She started being psycologically abusive towards me. The more I tried to be nice to her and take care of her, the worst it got. I'd subconciously decided to rebuild her esteem of men.

After 5 months of this, SHE dumped me. Did it in the cruelest way she could think of. I went into a 7 month tailspin. I cried. I couldn't understand how she could treat someone who had been so good to her (and her kids) like this. Yep, I got attached to the kids. Loved all of them actually, as if they were my own. I tried to understand what I did wrong. Sure, I made a couple of stupid blunders with her. I wasn't the perfect boyfriend. But nothing to justify this kind of treatment. Took me 2 years to figure out why she dumped me.

1) I had acted like a Wussy Nice Guy with her. I had given her everything she wanted (within my means). And I had been even nicer to her when she was mean with me.

2) I had tried to redeem men in her eyes (an impossible task). And I'd tried to look even better than I was to her. Big mistake. Just be yourself.

3) The biggest factor, I think: She had MAJOR issues. With life, and with men in particular. And more baggage than a cruise ship. She was emotionally crippled and highly unstable. Basically, she had become unable to be happy. She was terrified of it.

I don't think of this experience as a loss though. I did learn a lot; about myself, relationships, and life in general. Her kids got to see a positive male role-model, even if only for 5 months. And they got lot's of love and support during that time. I still think about them often. I miss them. I will always love them. That's unconditional love. And I'm so sad that they will have to grow up in that kind of warped environment. She got to see that not all men are a$$holes. Even though she tried to brainwash herself into thinking I am one (makes her dumping me look less stupid). I now know I am the best boyfriend she will ever have had. Even with my faults.

Guys. Listen to your internal alarm. And don't devalue yourselves. You don't deserve this kind of treatment.

 

[SonOfTheMostHigh]

You can date single mom's for sex and have them as FB's. Thats what I do, I find out what they are looking for and if they mention FB then it's on, just make it clear.

Single mom's are easy targets for sex if they are lonely and are up for FWB. Easy.

 

[THE_ADDMAN]

yeah, single mothers creep me out

the instant they're into you, you can just feel them analyzing you for daddy-potential.

and apparently, I've heard a law where; if the child bonds with you, you may be responsible for child support EVEN IF IT ISNT YOUR CHILD. I am not making that up, I actually read that somewhere (might've been in Maxim some month in the "ask me" section, so its actually true unlike the rest of Maxim )

now why would I want to spend my hard-earned money raising a child who isnt even mine, as well as supporting a single mom who, quite frankly, is probably going end up getting right-drunk at a party and popping out ANOTHER child with some guy she met and will never see again.

its wisdom, gentleman. just dont get involved

 

[dietzcoi]

Anybody who wants to raise another man's child is crazy.

You lose on the evolutionary scale.. the worst loss of all, your DNA dies off and another man's lives without him having to do any work!

Talk about being a chump!

Avoid this - you have been warned.

DIetzcoi

 

[Egoist]

single moms suck. DJs are not attracted to single moms. Wannabe DJs/AFCs are attracted to them because they are easy.

whats so complicated here?