ThunderMaverick said:
I'm assuming you have control over the relationship? If your husband isn't the Don Juan type or is KINDA shy and has AFC qualities, he's not leading anything.
No, my hubby isn't shy at all. Compared to him,
I'm the shy and submissive one! My husband is super confident, rather loud sometimes, and certainly not afraid of stating his opinions. He's not rude at all, he's actually pretty friendly, but he's just very direct and likes to exaggerate things. This makes him seem pretty intimidating sometimes. Especially people who don't know him well, may sometimes be afraid to disagree with him because they're afraid my hubby would totally beat them up (verbally, not physically). During our relationship, I've learned to become more confident and outspoken, and he's learned to become more diplomatic and considerate. We've sort of balanced each other out here.
I think our relationship is quite equal, and he thinks so too. Yes, we've talked about it. Then again, I know I can't look at our situation objectively, so I'm not sure. But I don't feel I'm the one wearing the pants in our relationship. I know I could manipulate him a little if I wanted to, and I confess I sometimes do so, but I also know he wouldn't tolerate any serious sh1t from me. He's not a doormat and I know that if I tried to turn him into one, he'd dump me.
If he was a doormat instead of a MAN, I don't think we would have been together for these 7 years (6 of which married). It might have been fun in the beginning, but in the end, I wouldn't want to stay with a guy I don't respect. I know that in the end,
I couldn't stand it if my guy was a doormat.
So, no, my hubby is certainly not an AFC. He's not a "player", either. He seems to naturally have some DJ qualities, though. For example, he learned very quickly that you shouldn't buy drinks for girls in a bar, that they'll just use you and you get nothing in turn. He also very quickly learned you shouldn't act like a nice guy, take your relationship advice from romantic movies, or listen to women giving you relationship advice. He learned by himself that when you act like a knight in shining armor, you end up in the girl's friend zone, but if you act like you don't care, the girl will chase you.
He's also one of those men who naturally refuse to be anyone's emotional tampon, especially when it comes to boyfriend issues. He explained to me that he doesn't want to listen to a girl telling him about her guy troubles. He said that even if he's just friends with a girl, he wants her to shut up about her guy troubles if the girl is someone he wouldn't mind fcking. He said the only girl whose guy troubles he wants to listen to is his sister because he'd never fck her.
So, he's not a nice guy by nature. But his problem is that he's too direct with women. He doesn't know how to build sexual tension. He doesn't really pay attention to a woman's body language or IOIs and doesn't kino enough. To make things "worse" for him, I'm way more direct than women usually are, so he forgets other women aren't so direct. I don't bother playing games or dropping hints, so he's used to me just directly telling him what I think and he forgets not all women are like this.
Is he an alpha male? In my opinion, he's certainly more alpha than beta, but then again, I can't be sure. I can't form an objective opinion of the man I'm married to.
ThatMysteriousGuy said:
In USA english, people far too often consider "cheating" and "betrayal" to mean exactly the same thing. They're very different. Cheating is hiding other sexual encounters, betrayal is more deep and about "trading in" a woman emotionally in his mind for one he feels more deeply about. (That's a very loose translation).
Hey, thanks for the explanation! In the Finnish language, the same word ("pettäminen") is used for both "cheating" and "betrayal".
We do have some rules in our relationship, though, so I guess it would still be possible to cheat on each other here. If either of us fcked someone and didn't tell about it, it would be cheating, especially if it happened many times. Then again, we haven't had that problem, because we've always asked for each other's permission
before hooking up with someone else.
Also, I know my hubby would be mad at me if I had sex with a really ugly guy, as I would be demonstrating a total lack of standards.
I guess I'd also be mad at him if he had sex with an ugly 400 lb chick or something. But I know he won't because he's got pretty high standards, just like I do.
Many women don't have a problem with a guy sleeping with other women, but the instant he starts acting AFC or keeps talking about the girls it turns into betrayal.
Yeah, I've also noticed this and I don't really understand it myself. But I know this is what happens in many long marriages, especially if the family is middle class or wealthy - the wife is aware of what's going on, but is happy with her social status and as long as everyone keeps hush-hush about it, everything is ok.
I'm monogamous for the most part but I still follow a personal rule to not mention other women in any way unless it's necessary. Most women I have known tend to not like a guy saying something like "i heard the greatest joke from a girl at the gas station yesterday" when the guy/girl are lying together on the couch watching a movie.
Yeah, I've also noticed that's a huge turnoff for many women, and I can understand why. In a woman's head, it sets off a chain reaction: "OMG he met a girl and thought she was funny? Was she FUNNIER THAN ME? I bet she was also PRETTIER THAN ME! He must want her now!" etc. etc. We women are
masters of jumping in conclusions.
For me, it wouldn't be a turn off. I'd just think he met someone at the gas station, nice, now tell me that joke already.
Then again, if we were cuddling on a couch or something, and he'd begin rambling about some sexy chick and telling me how hot she was, yeah, I'd be very angry at him. I'd probably walk away and tell him to go cuddle with that chick instead if she's so hot. If he said the same things in a more neutral setting, I's probably ask him if he wants a threesome.
Good timing is everything.
