Does it make you feel good to better people?

[SmoothTalker]

Hey DJ's, just something I was thinking about and I wanted to get other people's opinions.

I was dumped by a multiyear girlfriend a little while ago. Tore my heart out but maybe it will be for the best. I'm not too fond of her at the moment though.

Anyway, what I was thinking about was, I truly think I made her a better person in the time we were together.

Just some examples:
She use to be in the beginning stages of anorexia (still normal body weight but starting to have messed up eating patterns and whatnot). I didn't know about this before getting into the relationship, but I got her to stop that and eat healthy and go to the gym instead. I also got her to see that she had a nice body.

She smoked weed, but I convinced her to stop doing that.

She was getting pretty bad high school grades and made no effort and had no further aspirations. I made her see that while slacking may be 'cool' it won't get you anywhere. She ended up working much harder and getting accepted to a good university in a program she likes.

And countless other little things.

But the weird part is, while I normally consider myself a very nice person who would certainly enjoy knowing I've helped somebody, all I can do when I think about this is be bitter.

Instead of "I'm glad she's got her life together." I think "Good riddance, I help her get her life together and don't get a shred of respect. I hope she ****ing flunks out."

I know you shouldn't enter relationships trying to change someone, and that's not what I was doing. It just sort of happened from all the time we spent together, guess we rubbed off on each other.

But how does one feel good about this? If it was just a friend that I helped, I would feel great. Here I feel betrayed/used/bitter, and though I don't like it, I find myself wishing she had all her old problems.

 

[Mavrick]

Well, now you can go find someone that appreciate you and stop dwelling on the people that don't because they aren't important. You're doing yourself a huge favor by find someone else.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Let it go dude, you're eroding yourself from the inside.

 

[Warrior74]

your bitter because the relationship didn't work out. You're just being what they call a hater. If you picked her up as a savior case thinking she will be so grateful that you saved her, then you know you did wrong. ( Yes I saw your qualifers, doesn't mean that still wasn't the case. People lie to themselves best.) She doesn't owe you sh!t. The sooner you see that the better off you will be. Thinking because you "saved a hoe" she should be greatful is wishful thinking at best, delusional at worst.

 

[DonGorgon]

women are not logical so they dont respond as such hence expecting her to appreciate is naive.. your best bet is t o make her fall in love with you at which point she will start serving you selflessly..

 

[BMX]

I do feel good about myself when I am bettering someone else. That is why I plan on doing it for a living down the road and making a living off of mentoring those who are in need of me. It is very DJ, it's altruistic of myself and people can sincerely put their trust in you.

Let me make Lehigh U. wrestling head coach Dan Strobel (correct me if I've got the wrong man) my example. He has coached several great athletes who went to NCAA nationals, many taking gold, some forced to settle for silver. He has seen many take gold and go on to become really successful in life and others take 2nd and it haunted them for the rest of their lives.

As a head coach, he has to ultimately tell himself he did a good job no matter what. If he were to compete in a big tournament himself and take 2nd, he would be the guy that would hold his head high and still go on bettering himself. His job also entails that he be open-minded and approachable no matter the consequence those under his tutelage have been granted.

My older brother has come to me for advice about the boxing classes he has taken up. Back in the day my dad sought help w/his golfing from me and I was glad to comply. As for your ex, realize that not everyone you have an impact on will stick around. Cut your losses, continue going forth and growing in necessary areas and finally, allow yourself to enjoy that gift of personal empowerment.

 

[SmoothTalker]

Thanks for the responses guys, but I think some of you missed my point.

Warrior, no I honestly didn't know about any of these problems when we started dating. At the beginning I don't even know what got into me but I was very DJ without even trying. Maybe it's because I wasn't crazy about her, but I was confident, funny, fun to be with, had to get, etc and didn't dwell on negative things so I had no idea she had problems until a while after we started dating. Not to mention she was my first gf so my thoughts were less "I'm going to change her" and more along the lines of "Titties!, nice "

Anyway, I already had my "I got dumped and need pity" thread, this isn't about that.

I'm just wondering if in general making someone better makes you feel good, and specifically in the case when that person is a former girlfriend.

 

[MacAvoy]

As great it is that you truly made a positive difference in her life, you probably came across as nagging and trying to change her. Its not your job to make another person better, more importantly, you shouldn't be wasting your energy on people who don't want to better themselves.

I'm not saying don't help people, I'm saying don't pry your significant other to change, if she wants to, then by all means do everything you can to support her.

 

[SmoothTalker]

Well like I said for the most part I think we just rubbed off on each other.

The only things I actively tried to change were the weed and the eating disorder.

Are you suggesting the right thing to do is just let her starve herself?

 

[MacAvoy]

Are you suggesting the right thing to do is just let her starve herself?

I never said that. But I personally wouldn't become involved with an anorexic women or a women who smokes weed or ..... I only get involved in relationships with women with higher character and morals than myself. I don't play Captain Sav a Ho.

 

[The Bat]

Instead of "I'm glad she's got her life together." I think "Good riddance, I help her get her life together and don't get a shred of respect. I hope she ****ing flunks out."

But how does one feel good about this? If it was just a friend that I helped, I would feel great. Here I feel betrayed/used/bitter, and though I don't like it, I find myself wishing she had all her old problems.

First of all, you shouldn't help someone in hopes that they'll give you something. You don't get respect just because you helped them. It shouldn't be like that. That person should respect you for who you are. NOT for what you can do for them. This is the wrong kind of respect. It is built on the notion of "i scratch your back, you scratch mine".

Now, for that second part. Look at your situation this way. You now know that you are good enough to be such a strong, positive influence on people around you, and not just a significant other. With your g/f, you were probably (probably because I don't know the full story..) living by example. You were leading. You said it yourself, you didn't boss her around. You didn't tell her that she needed to do X to fix Y.

Help others because you want to help them and above all, don't expect anything from them. Not even respect....because they should already be respecting you for who you are. Do not attempt to gain somebody's, who doesn't respect you, respect by doing something for them. This is very AFC. Think about it for a moment.

Don't look back in anger. Look at the positives. Learn something about yourself.

 

[Schadenfreudianslip]

This is precisely the reason why I am so wary about accepting gifts and favors from AFCs. They're not gifts and favors, they're bargaining chips and bribes that they claim are unconditional. However, if I break up with them, I'm an ungrateful b*tch. If I stay, I'm prostituting myself. Which would you rather have: her leaving because she's not happy, or staying in the relationship unhappily becuase she feels like she "owes" you something?

The Bat hit the nail on the head. Give only because you want to, not as bribing or trying to win affections. AFCs give and give and give because they think that it'll win them security. They also have a hero/Jesus Christ complex and feel like they have to be the strong buttress. Everyone has hardships, but nobody is obligated to be the buttress. I'm always there for friends, but I will never give until I'm drained, and all actions are gifts rather than quid pro quos.

Date women, not charity cases. Let it go. You feel angry that she took, but you also were the one to give. I'm not saying that you're intentions and actions aren't good, but realize that if you offer, people are going to take.