Does Being in a Relationship hold you back?

[CornbreadFed]

Bad relationships can while good relationships can spring you forward.

 

[pipeman84]

OK, got it. What you describe is why I’m anti-girlfriend, especially a live-in one with no kids. Kids take up nearly all of a woman’s time and energy, which for me, made my relations go with my wife far better than when we did not have them. To each his own, but I don’t see one point in living with a woman unless there is child raising or the case of two people who have already raised children and are continuing marriage.

What do you guys get out of having “bored” women around?

Then maybe those two aren't meant to be together if all that's keeping them together is kids related stuff ... if they are not first lovers which should be the foundation of a couple, but only two people sharing a house and raising children ... that can be accomplished by complete strangers, as it happens for instance in orphanages.

OP maybe should get one of those boss type masculine women who are always doing something, living by the mantra 'let's go, let's go, let's make some dough'.
Provided you two are connected, then a woman who has free time after a job and some individual activities is an ideal scenario. There is actual room for the two of you to do something together, for you to be a leader and her to follow some of your interests.

 

[CornbreadFed]

OP maybe should get one of those boss type masculine women who are always doing something, living by the mantra 'let's go, let's go, let's make some dough'.
Provided you two are connected, then a woman who has free time after a job and some individual activities is an ideal scenario. There is actual room for the two of you to do something together, for you to be a leader and her to follow some of your interests.

I know plenty of guys like my father that need a boss type woman that puts structure into their lives.

 

[Manure Spherian]

Then maybe those two aren't meant to be together if all that's keeping them together is kids related stuff ... if they are not first lovers which should be the foundation of a couple,

That is true for some. My wife and I loved each other for years before we had children. But… she is a woman, and I’ve concluded that most women living with a man, love there or not, might drive men up walls if there are no children. Yeah, yeah, “I’m gonna set boundaries bro! Tell her where it’s at!”

Anyway, I get your point.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

If you continue thinking like that you will end up getting to the top of the mountain, turn around thinking you'll see people to celebrate with but then realize that you are simply just cold and alone.

Relationships are important. Not just with women. With family, with friends. Never lose sight of that or you'll regret it later.

 

[Hamurabimbi]

It does. But it’s a trade-off.

 

[handle]

In my experience a live-in partner does hold you back in the short term: your life has more structure which prevents you from binging on side-hustle activities.
But in the long term, if they are a good match, they keep you going: they become part of your support system, they split household duties, they enhance your social life, you aren't fixated on picking up girls every weekend...

 

[Learning Curve]

OK, got it. What you describe is why I’m anti-girlfriend, especially a live-in one with no kids. Kids take up nearly all of a woman’s time and energy, which for me, made my relations go with my wife far better than when we did not have them. To each his own, but I don’t see one point in living with a woman unless there is child raising or the case of two people who have already raised children and are continuing marriage.

What do you guys get out of having “bored” women around?

Interesting point of view.

So because kids occupy the time of your wife you actually have a better relationship?

Well that might worked for you but for me this seems like a relationship misery.

 

[Learning Curve]

If you feel the relationship is holding you back, maybe its not the right person for you. A good relationship should give you more value than it takes, it should be a net positive for you.

It's not about the person to be honest.

I do have positive vibes with the chick, i laugh, i feel emotions for her we have a really good time together.

This is more about me being in a relationship in general or not and if my goals in life are aligned having a woman that has no life besides work.

Maybe I'm in the category of guys that should not have relationships for now at-least.

 

[Learning Curve]

If you continue thinking like that you will end up getting to the top of the mountain, turn around thinking you'll see people to celebrate with but then realize that you are simply just cold and alone.

Relationships are important. Not just with women. With family, with friends. Never lose sight of that or you'll regret it later.

Family and friends are in balance they don't take over my personal goals or aspirations.

I'm not saying the the current woman is taking all of my goals and aspirations away. But it's a debate if having a woman is holding you back and taking your time for bs and getting you distracted or not.

If you have a woman that has a business and she is busy as f3uck i suppose that would be a less of a problem.

But again, this is not mandatory for me it's mostly about figuring out myself and what i want.

 

[Learning Curve]

In my experience a live-in partner does hold you back in the short term: your life has more structure which prevents you from binging on side-hustle activities.
But in the long term, if they are a good match, they keep you going: they become part of your support system, they split household duties, they enhance your social life, you aren't fixated on picking up girls every weekend...

I can agree on this.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

This is a good topic OP. But here’s the thing. You can’t ask the rhetorical question here. That’s nonsense. What matters is the overall quality of the relationship and that is inseparable from the individuals in the relationship.

And nobody is perfect and checks every box.

You enjoy this gal, find her sexy and smart, but she’s wanting to relax and kick it after work while you are building wealth, supposedly.

Are you working hard or working smart? Why do you need to be burning the midnight oil? Are you moonlighting your job with the side hustle business?

I get it. As I say this my husband is in the other room (past midnight) coding & listening to symphonic metal. Not my jam so when he is doing that I leave him alone to be creative. He codes, he games, he does his day job & does his sport and has other interests. When he’s not doing those things he’s wanting to watch TV or a movie.

Last night I met a girlfriend for happy hour. Was really nice to go be social. He joined us for dinner & we were out past 10pm. I love spontaneous stuff like that, he typically doesn’t. But he was in the mood last evening. Perfect. We laugh, have connection and chemistry and like being in the same space but we have vastly different interests. It’s all in finding a balance and sometimes if you are ambitious and trying to build wealth you are out of balance in life.

The key is to recenter and keep balance. Nobody on their deathbed wished they had worked more. Well maybe Tesla, but he died utterly alone too. He was a genius, but had a lonely existence in the end.

When I was building my real estate holdings I was constantly up to my eyeballs in that. I still keep occupied with those holdings, serve on a charitable board, contribute here, meet up with friends, travel to ski or beach (with my husband) and enjoy fine dining & socializing.

Have you asked her point blank what her expectations are? Do you have your expectations defined? Sometimes it’s adjusting to what your partner needs, and that involves a conversation or a negotiation through time.

Kids are an enormous commitment. You have no time for yourself with little kids around. Many a happy wife has raised kids & occupied her time doing the child rearing while hubby earns the living. The traditional division of labor developed for a reason, but many modern women don’t have something that expansive demanding their constant attention and they don’t always occupy their time with hobbies or activities. They want to chill.

So y’all need to conversate around expectations and so forth & reach an agreeable arrangement. I simply asked that my husband let me know if/when he’s likely to spend all evening computering so I know I’m free to go do other stuff. That way he can do his thing & I can do mine & nobody has hurt feelings because their expectations went unmet.

This sort of thing leads to misunderstandings if you don’t communicate.

All the best.

 

[Learning Curve]

Advice from the old lady:

This is a good topic OP. But here’s the thing. You can’t ask the rhetorical question here. That’s nonsense. What matters is the overall quality of the relationship and that is inseparable from the individuals in the relationship.

And nobody is perfect and checks every box.

You enjoy this gal, find her sexy and smart, but she’s wanting to relax and kick it after work while you are building wealth, supposedly.

Are you working hard or working smart? Why do you need to be burning the midnight oil? Are you moonlighting your job with the side hustle business?

I get it. As I say this my husband is in the other room (past midnight) coding & listening to symphonic metal. Not my jam so when he is doing that I leave him alone to be creative. He codes, he games, he does his day job & does his sport and has other interests. When he’s not doing those things he’s wanting to watch TV or a movie.

Last night I met a girlfriend for happy hour. Was really nice to go be social. He joined us for dinner & we were out past 10pm. I love spontaneous stuff like that, he typically doesn’t. But he was in the mood last evening. Perfect. We laugh, have connection and chemistry and like being in the same space but we have vastly different interests. It’s all in finding a balance and sometimes if you are ambitious and trying to build wealth you are out of balance in life.

The key is to recenter and keep balance. Nobody on their deathbed wished they had worked more. Well maybe Tesla, but he died utterly alone too. He was a genius, but had a lonely existence in the end.

When I was building my real estate holdings I was constantly up to my eyeballs in that. I still keep occupied with those holdings, serve on a charitable board, contribute here, meet up with friends, travel to ski or beach (with my husband) and enjoy fine dining & socializing.

Have you asked her point blank what her expectations are? Do you have your expectations defined? Sometimes it’s adjusting to what your partner needs, and that involves a conversation or a negotiation through time.

Kids are an enormous commitment. You have no time for yourself with little kids around. Many a happy wife has raised kids & occupied her time doing the child rearing while hubby earns the living. The traditional division of labor developed for a reason, but many modern women don’t have something that expansive demanding their constant attention and they don’t always occupy their time with hobbies or activities. They want to chill.

So y’all need to conversate around expectations and so forth & reach an agreeable arrangement. I simply asked that my husband let me know if/when he’s likely to spend all evening computering so I know I’m free to go do other stuff. That way he can do his thing & I can do mine & nobody has hurt feelings because their expectations went unmet.

This sort of thing leads to misunderstandings if you don’t communicate.

All the best.

Thanks for your inputs, appreciate it.

I do agree on most of the things you have said.

My goal is not to die alone, actually quite the opposite is just i don't want to feel i'm being dragged of my course in any way. But this could be potentially my own insecurity that i need to figure out.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Family and friends are in balance they don't take over my personal goals or aspirations.

I'm not saying the the current woman is taking all of my goals and aspirations away. But it's a debate if having a woman is holding you back and taking your time for bs and getting you distracted or not.

If you have a woman that has a business and she is busy as f3uck i suppose that would be a less of a problem.

But again, this is not mandatory for me it's mostly about figuring out myself and what i want.

If you have the right woman they should be an invaluable support for you. Jeff Bezos said he could never have got Amazon to where it was today without the help and support of his wife when things first started out.

Good women lift you up. Bad women hold you back.

 

[Scaramouche]

Was wondering about this today.

Personally now I'm in a relationship.

The chick I'm with is I consider her smart, PHD, good job, good money.

But since I'm a very driven person for success I feel that spending time on creating a business, wealth and generally success takes time from my relationship in which to be honest I don't know what the correct decision in some instances is.

I feel that being in a relationship creates a fog in my focus. It pushes me in the opposite way since I have to spend time with the chick instead of spending my evening until midnight on wealth creation.

I know that this for some people this is extreme but for me this is what I focus on currently and what I want from my life.

The chick I'm with is happy with her job, does have aspirations for a business, but she is not serious about it. After job she spends her time on tv, Netflix, and all that bs which I don't want in any shape or form to watch or waste my time.

To summarize the point of this thread is when you have a business, focus, success how do you manage that with your relationship?

Some chicks are cool with it, some are not.

She does understand my drive and focus but I can tell that once I start to allocate my time on what I want to do through out the day she changes her behaviour and sort of feels bored in the living room as I'm in my office working because she has nothing to do after work.

This behaviour is off-putting for my taste to be honest. I want a chick that has a life besides work and activities.

Hi Learning Curve,
Don't be over awed by that PHD,for 23 years I worked with colleagues half of whom Poked Holes In Doughnuts,in general they were boring,poorly skilled and ignorant about everything except that tiny sliver of knowledge they had dedicated soo many formative years in studying,to detriment of anything else...Yes there were several exeptions,but in general the more fig leaves they covered their ignorance with,the worse Teachers they were!

 

[Barrister]

OP,

This is more about deciding what is important to you in your life. Do you want to grind with 70 hour work weeks and have wealth? Or do you want to cultivate relationships where you get meaning from said relationships but maybe don't have quite the financial wherewithal that you would if you worked more? Like others have said, there are limited hours in a day and limited days in our lives and everything is a trade-off. Time is precious.

To answer your original question - yes, I have sometimes felt like being in a relationship holds me back from my individual purpose too. It is easy to get a rut in a relationship whereas when you are single with complete freedom you are much more likely to make changes in your life because you have no one else to worry about. But that goes for any close people in your life and not just women (kids especially). If this is just an LTR and you feel like you are being a held back, that is a situation that I think you need to address why you have that feeling of being held back. If it is negatively impacting you, I wouldn't be afraid to end it. Some of my most productive times in my life financially and socially (on a professional level) have come after my adult breakups from marriage and long-term LTRs.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

OP,

This is more about deciding what is important to you in your life. Do you want to grind with 70 hour work weeks and have wealth? Or do you want to cultivate relationships where you get meaning from said relationships but maybe don't have quite the financial wherewithal that you would if you worked more? Like others have said, there are limited hours in a day and limited days in our lives and everything is a trade-off. Time is precious.

To answer your original question - yes, I have sometimes felt like being in a relationship holds me back from my individual purpose too. It is easy to get a rut in a relationship whereas when you are single with complete freedom you are much more likely to make changes in your life because you have no one else to worry about. But that goes for any close people in your life and not just women (kids especially). If this is just an LTR and you feel like you are being a held back, that is a situation that I think you need to address why you have that feeling of being held back. If it is negatively impacting you, I wouldn't be afraid to end it. Some of my most productive times in my life financially and socially (on a professional level) have come after my adult breakups from marriage and long-term LTRs.

OP, Trust me when I tell you grinding 70 hour work weeks just isn't worth it. I was that guy once for over a decade. Never again. Unless it's for yourself and you are becoming wealthy from it, not just sustaining. That really drives wedges between relationships of all kinds because not only are you barely surviving and likely hitting up everyone you know for loans every other month, you also are never around.

I'm far more likely to work under 40 hours in a week than over.

Find a career/company where they value what you get accomplished not how long you work. Huge difference and mindset.

Why should a person be punished if they are hyper efficient and can get done the same amount of work or more in half the time(or less occasionally) than others do in 8+ hours?

 

[Manure Spherian]

Interesting point of view.

So because kids occupy the time of your wife you actually have a better relationship?

Well that might worked for you but for me this seems like a relationship misery.

I think my take on childless girlfriend-boyfriend situations I wrote in this linked thread is appropriate in response here.

See my content about the employer-employee nature of some gf-bf scenarios. Your woman is in the employee position.

You want your girlfriend to be busy, “have a life outside of work.” I think a woman caring for children (which I partake in also) is one busy life. Perhaps you want your woman doing something specific that’s worthy of your respect. She seems to Ieave you alone to work. I don’t know, and can’t relate because I don’t look at women as sources of steady entertainment or expect them to have “life goals” outside of work (if they must work) or being good partners and/or wives and mothers.

I’m anti-girlfriend/boyfriend, but if a man wants to be such a scenario, that’s his business.

If a Woman Delays Sex, You're Not Her Top Priority. (Video)

If a Woman Delays Sex, You're Not Her Top Priority. source: https://therationalmale.com/2011/09/23/wait-for-it/

www.sosuave.net

 

[SW15]

I feel that being in a relationship creates a fog in my focus. It pushes me in the opposite way since I have to spend time with the chick instead of spending my evening until midnight on wealth creation.

Most men have the exact opposite problem. Men who aren't in relationships and aren't getting laid lack focus. Getting pussie and having a consistent girlfriend helps a lot of men focus. A lack of sex often creates a hyper focus on sex.

The chick I'm with is I consider her smart, PHD, good job, good money.

A woman's work means nothing in terms of her attractiveness. In general, women with advanced degrees make terrible girlfriends.

we live together.

That's not good. It's also a violation of one of the Iron Rules of Tomassi. A lot of men think that living with a girlfriend will create sex on demand. It does not do that. It actually creates complacency and reduces the motivation for sex.

 

[BeExcellent]

So what they live together. Many men here have live in situations. It can be just fine.

Don’t be so judgemental about the situations other people choose for their lives based your arbitrary belief system.

If you don’t want to ever cohabitate with a woman that’s your choice but why the need to bash someone else who’s asking for perspective from others with different life experiences than you.

This spouting off about Rules of Tomossi and never live with a woman is like a drive by hit on a guy who’s looking for perspective in this thread.

Why you feel the need to do that I dunno. It seems unnecessary to me.