Does Being A Rockstar in Bed Hold Little Value?

[FMCSMT]

This is a question that has been on my mind lately only because what I've been told about my performance unprovokingly. In no means am I trying to sound like I'm bragging and I understand that women's words mean one thing and their behavior another. However, I will say that their words have been congruent with their behavior on this topic, but being great in bed seems to hold little, if any, value.

For example:

My ex wife, during divorce, would come to me out of the blue and say "the sex was great". She also said "I will never get it like that from anyone". She even sent me multiple sects during the proceedings and for about a month in the proceedings, I gave it to her...a lot. Now she treats me like absolute garbage and I would go as far as to say she hates me.

So, that "great sex" really doesn't seem to show much value. For myself, personally, I would be very civil and polite to any woman I had great sex with and I am.

Fast forward to the post divorce dating world and I've banged 5 women in the last 2 years. Each of them say similar things.

Now with the last one - I broke up with - she had a ton of issues and most here would say she wasn't worth the time but her and I literally banged 3-4 times per night and I heard the words "best sex ever" and "I would marry you right now". I do try to collect some data where I can and this last one I must have banged close to 90 times in one month. It was crazy and awesome. She was telling her family about it.

But in the end, she didn't care at all when we broke up. Its been about a month and I haven't heard from her.

I have had exes come back and say that I was better than then who they are with now.

I believe that to be true. But why then do I get ghosted? If I'm high value (money and looks would be my biggest strengths) and the sex is the best they've had, then why don't they fight to stay with me?

I should also note that these words were not coming from pillow talk other than one quote referencing marriage. She was on top of me when she said that.

I never ask if they liked it either. Their behavior answers that for me.

I've also been a firm believer of getting them off first, especially the first time. It always seems to have them coming back for more. I learned this when I dated my ex in high school (she was my 4th). I got her off the first time and she clung on to me and came back for more right away. Told all her friends too (which I think is mistake for women to do, if they aren't fond of sharing).

If I were a woman, and the sex was great, both emotionally and logically I would think they would try their assess off to keep that going.

Often I am met with contention because I have my own things to do. I work on myself a lot. That takes time out of my day and I prioritize self improvement over the person I'm dating. This does seem to upset them.

I'm also told that they are comfortable with me. Their behavior reflects that too as they lay naked in my bed in the morning and often crawl back on me or I get pulled on them.

I guess I don't understand why it is that things still fall apart, meaning they do something that gets them nexted in most cases, and the sex was truly the best they had, why don't they try to come back for more later on? Now I will say too that there's always been a few post breakup bangs but then that's it. Never hear from them again. I guess my question is - does great intimacy experiences not hold significant long term value for men with women? It doesn't seem to... And if you agree or disagree, can you enlighten me as to why that is?

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Some of em do that to beat you. Like boxing.

 

[bigneil]

In 2017, a female orgasm is only redeemable for a cash value of .0001 cent.

 

[bigneil]

I once dated a stripper and told her I should get $100 off for every orgasm she had. But then I realized that if money were involved, she would fake NOT having an orgasm.

 

[btownbuck2012]

I have experienced and wondered about the exact same thing, and all that I can conclude is that a woman's pride AND attention from other men beats great sex.

@FMCSMT - can you share some more details about your divorce? Who instigated it? What was the reason?

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

You cannot be a one trick pony. Meaning great sex is great but there is lots more to a good or great relationship than great sex.

You see the sex, even if good or great only gets you so far. Women value emotional intimacy above physical intimacy. So if the woman you are with feels like you are too busy, too distant, too guarded or too mysterious emotionally; or if you are too much ass hole or dictator, things are going to run their course and sex will not keep her with you. Same is true if you don't check her other "must have" criteria, whatever those are. This is an elemental way in which women differ from men.

This is the whole reason behind the maxim of "Women are the gatekeepers of sex (what men want), Men are the gatekeepers of relationships (what women want)". Both men and women seek chemistry/connection and intimacy, but the genders typically come toward intimacy with different approaches and the case can be made, with different goals entirely.

None of that matters if you only want short term liaisons of course.

I was married to a great lover. The sex got better and better as years passed but the other frustrations also grew with time and eventually the great sex was not enough to warrant staying in the marriage (my story is elsewhere so not going to rehash.)

Also. What a woman says in bed during sex may be to please you more than it is the empirical truth in her mind, ESPECIALLY if y'all are relatively new lovers. Impossible to say, obviously, but if she praises your sexual prowess outside the bedroom (when she is not as concerned about your ego & how you feel in the heat of the moment) I think this is a better barometer. Like if she mentions it in passing while y'all are NOT doing something sexual. That means she has been thinking about the quality of the experience outside the bedroom.

A man will sometimes say "I love you" in the heat of passion too when he hasn't said it otherwise if he is having a fantastic experience. A wise woman takes that with a grain of salt and observes his behavior & listens to his words outside the bedroom for congruence.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Some of em do that to beat you. Like boxing.

You could have powerful D and the B1tch will control and shutdown your sex to "win".

 

[RangerMIke]

You can't suck in bed... but being really good doesn't really help you that much.

It's like running up the score in a game. How much you win by isn't as important as just winning...be good enough to satisfy her and you're fine.

Chicks are all about the moment... When the moment's gone... it's into the next moment.

 

[Desdinova]

Great sex only makes up part of the experience for women. They tend to look at the relationship as a whole, not just one detail.

 

[FMCSMT]

I have experienced and wondered about the exact same thing, and all that I can conclude is that a woman's pride AND attention from other men beats great sex.

@FMCSMT - can you share some more details about your divorce? Who instigated it? What was the reason?

It was a passionless sexless marriage for the most part for most of the years married until I began a fitness journey 10-1-13.

Shortly after committing to P90X on that day, I couldn't peal her off of me.

Some time later she met a girlfriend that divorced her hs sweetheart. My ex seen her happy and decided to do the same.

$10,000 later I have 50/50 and kept the home and most of equity and assets. An investment that returned well.

She filed for divorce. I asked for divorce many times when the sex was almost non existent but it was at an all time high just before divorce began.

She told me the reason was because I didn't fix the dryer (so she had to use the basement laundry room). I misss diagnosed it and got the correct part ordered.

And she said that the garage door opener no longer worked (because she damaged it with her car some time ago and I offered to fix it many times but she wanted to handle it). I fixed it that day...

These were her reasons to me.

She moved out and then I suddenly became a child abuser and that's why she left. But shared the kids 50/50? Common divorce tactic. The people she told were close to both of us and her own family called her a liar to her face and she almost went in front of the judge for that ordeal.

Since then, we do not speak and the coaches, teachers, doctors, therapists all know that I run this show and her and I do not communicate, period.

That's the short of it. There was a trial too. She lost many and every battle she has brought to legal.

 

[FMCSMT]

That sucks about the value given to sexual performance.

I always appreciate the input though. Thanks!

 

[FMCSMT]

Advice from the old lady:

You cannot be a one trick pony. Meaning great sex is great but there is lots more to a good or great relationship than great sex.

You see the sex, even if good or great only gets you so far. Women value emotional intimacy above physical intimacy. So if the woman you are with feels like you are too busy, too distant, too guarded or too mysterious emotionally; or if you are too much ass hole or dictator, things are going to run their course and sex will not keep her with you. Same is true if you don't check her other "must have" criteria, whatever those are. This is an elemental way in which women differ from men.

This is the whole reason behind the maxim of "Women are the gatekeepers of sex (what men want), Men are the gatekeepers of relationships (what women want)". Both men and women seek chemistry/connection and intimacy, but the genders typically come toward intimacy with different approaches and the case can be made, with different goals entirely.

None of that matters if you only want short term liaisons of course.

I was married to a great lover. The sex got better and better as years passed but the other frustrations also grew with time and eventually the great sex was not enough to warrant staying in the marriage (my story is elsewhere so not going to rehash.)

Also. What a woman says in bed during sex may be to please you more than it is the empirical truth in her mind, ESPECIALLY if y'all are relatively new lovers. Impossible to say, obviously, but if she praises your sexual prowess outside the bedroom (when she is not as concerned about your ego & how you feel in the heat of the moment) I think this is a better barometer. Like if she mentions it in passing while y'all are NOT doing something sexual. That means she has been thinking about the quality of the experience outside the bedroom.

A man will sometimes say "I love you" in the heat of passion too when he hasn't said it otherwise if he is having a fantastic experience. A wise woman takes that with a grain of salt and observes his behavior & listens to his words outside the bedroom for congruence.

Too distant
Too busy
Too guarded

All the above....check

I have a follow up question - Based on your response, I would speculate that women generally would settle for sub par intimacy (my examples all included intense emotion from the women) for a lifetime...versus working through other issues with the partner that gave them great sex? If so, I would think - bummer for her (and him)... Hense where I am today. Is that any way to live?

Always appreciate the insight of a woman. Thank you!

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Too distant
Too busy
Too guarded

All the above....check

I have a follow up question - Based on your response, I would speculate that women generally would settle for sub par intimacy (my examples all included intense emotion from the women) for a lifetime...versus working through other issues with the partner that gave them great sex? If so, I would think - bummer for her (and him)... Hense where I am today. Is that any way to live?

Always appreciate the insight of a woman. Thank you!

If a passionate fulfilling sex life is important to us we Shouldn't compromise it.

 

[marmel75]

It does in that it will get you at least 4-5 bangs with any given women before the greatness of your c0ck starts to become secondary to all the other stuff going on on their mind, long term comparability, etc...if you were terrible or average you might not another chance...

Sometimes I think it hastens the decision from women because they know if they stick around too long they are going to be addicted to your c0ck and it would make it harder to leave if they don't see anything long term...

 

[marmel75]

Too distant
Too busy
Too guarded

All the above....check

I have a follow up question - Based on your response, I would speculate that women generally would settle for sub par intimacy (my examples all included intense emotion from the women) for a lifetime...versus working through other issues with the partner that gave them great sex? If so, I would think - bummer for her (and him)... Hense where I am today. Is that any way to live?

Always appreciate the insight of a woman. Thank you!

Yes, which is why you have so many women out there looking for a guy to hammer them on the side while they get the crap d1ck from their current partner they choose to be with...all men cannot be all things to all women...sometimes a man can't be all things to even one woman...

 

[BeExcellent]

Too distant
Too busy
Too guarded

All the above....check

I have a follow up question - Based on your response, I would speculate that women generally would settle for sub par intimacy (my examples all included intense emotion from the women) for a lifetime...versus working through other issues with the partner that gave them great sex? If so, I would think - bummer for her (and him)... Hense where I am today. Is that any way to live?

Always appreciate the insight of a woman. Thank you!

Appreciate it. The way I see it there are really several issues at play that are related.

Issue 1 is this idea that a sexual woman will not be a nurturing/loving/loyal woman. So from that springs the whole madonna/***** dichotomy and the misinformation contained therein. The fact is there are plenty of women who are sexual and who really want, desire and hope to have a satisfying sexual relationship with one man (in the marriage setting or LTR) Too many men in my estimation (and by the admission of several divorced men who I've chatted with about this very thing) downplay their sexual needs and desires BECAUSE they do not think being honest and true about their sexual needs before getting married is going to be acceptable to their prospective wife. This sets men up for dissatisfaction almost from the get go. These same men often settle for sub-par sexual relations because they think great sex and a great wife/mother/loyal woman are mutually exclusive.

So issue one is not being utterly upfront about sexual needs and actively seeking an emotionally healthy woman who is also seeking a healthy sexual relationship.

Issue 2, related to issue 1 is that many men do not actively screen for a woman who loves sex WITH THEM. If she is a prude and you can't warm her up, DROP HER, she is a waste of your precious time. If she sees sex as an obligation, DROP HER. If she uses sex as a reward/punishment system, DROP HER. Screen for women who really want to enjoy sex with you and for Pete's sake quit wasting time (that you could otherwise use to find women who WANT to have lots of sex with you) on women who are any variety of unsatisfactory, or lukewarm. You need to do this NO MATTER HOW HOT SHE IS. Otherwise you have placed your balls in a glass display cabinet and emasculated yourself.

The signs of women who are sexually unsatisfactory are there long before the wedding day, although many guys are loathe to admit this. I mean if you love anal and *******s for example, and your girl says she doesn't do that? OK. That means unless you go outside the relationship you are never getting anal or *******s again if you remain with her. Perhaps you can persuade her, who knows, but that's iffy.

Issue 3 is that many women do see sex as a necessary evil, an obligation, and a duty rather than the joy it is supposed to be. So they are not fully into the sex act to begin with, may not like it, and may try and guilt trip you (you sex crazed horn dog!!) for bringing it up so much. See issues 1 and 2.

When you combine that with all the other things women look for in a relationship (starting with emotional intimacy as I noted), sex can really move on down her list, to the man's detriment.

To avoid this fate look for sexual women whom you can fully seduce and enjoy in the sexual realm. Seduction and being a DJ is still necessary in a LTR, it simply changes from the seeking of new women's attention to renewal of your long term partnership; refreshing that relationship and stoking those fires of passion. Meanwhile the woman should seek to please you and support you emotionally. The fruit then as the relationship deepens, is a deep and rewarding intimacy, loyalty, and trust that comforts both the man and the woman. To get lazy and complacent is the worst thing you can do. It kills everything, no matter who gets complacent, the man, the woman, both.

The second worst thing you can do is deny emotional investment to a woman who gives herself to you sexually. Women crave emotional investment the way men crave sex. I think we are designed to crave them in reverse order. For men it is 1. Sex 2. Emotional intimacy. For women it is 1. Emotional intimacy and 2. Sex. These things are complimentary and embue the relationship with a charge of masculine/feminine polarity that humans seek subconsciously.

 

[Trump]

But in the end, she didn't care at all when we broke up. Its been about a month and I haven't heard from her.

I have had exes come back and say that I was better than then who they are with now.

I believe that to be true. But why then do I get ghosted?

What does "great sex" have to do with getting ghosted? One has NOTHING to do with the other.

It's like you going to a restaurant and saying "that was the BEST pizza I have ever had." But it doesn't mean you have to, should, or will go back there EVER again.

I've also been a firm believer of getting them off first, especially the first time. It always seems to have them coming back for more. I learned this when I dated my ex in high school (she was my 4th). I got her off the first time and she clung on to me and came back for more right away. Told all her friends too (which I think is mistake for women to do, if they aren't fond of sharing).

If I were a woman, and the sex was great, both emotionally and logically I would think they would try their assess off to keep that going.

Great sex has NOTHING to do with ANYTHING. If you give them spectacular mind blowing sex and they don't need you for ANYTHING else, why would they even talk to you again or care if you are alive?

You guys keep equating great sex with their use for you. Again, they are totally and completely unrelated. Sex is for the MAN, not for the woman. Woman DOESN'T CARE as much as other uses.

I guess I don't understand why it is that things still fall apart, meaning they do something that gets them nexted in most cases, and the sex was truly the best they had, why don't they try to come back for more later on?

Totally and completely and utterly UNRELATED.

Now I will say too that there's always been a few post breakup bangs but then that's it. Never hear from them again. I guess my question is - does great intimacy experiences not hold significant long term value for men with women? It doesn't seem to... And if you agree or disagree, can you enlighten me as to why that is?

Again bro, sex for the MAN, relationship is for the WOMAN. You are good sex, but you are not for long term, settle down, build a family type relationship material. SEX and relationship have NOTHING to do with each other.

 

[skinnyguy]

You could have a 12 inch penis and give her 10 orgasms in one night. But if you say one little thing to piss her off after, she will ghost you.

Most women are incredibly sensitive and immature. It doesn't mean you're a bad guy if she left you. It means that she's overly emotional and probably doesn't know what's best for her. Let me guess, when she left you she started having sex with a broke dbag

 

[sazc]

My ex and I had great sex. He was very attentive to me in bed. We weren't lacking there.

My issues with him was that he didn't hesitate to hurt my feelings if he was upset with me, and he would get upset with me out of the blue. In public, in private. I never knew when it was coming, or why.

I spoke with him about this for a year. Letting him know that I couldn't see myself with someone that treated me this way long term. I really tried to express myself not confrontationally on the subject because I wanted it to work out and I thought eventually he might decide he cared enough about me to not want to hurt me.

In the end he angrily told me he was who he was and saw no issue with himself. We broke up and now my life is peaceful. And we still chat every now and then because I manged to maintain and be civil thru the whole process.

From what I read on these boards, men find value in themselves via sex. If they are getting it, if they are giving it well, they see value in that, they feel value/valuable.

My own personal opinion is that I also see value in sex, but it's only party of an overall package. My value in sex is defined by something that is more along the lines of the intimacy I share with the man I choose to be with. I am giving myself to him and we are giving each other pleasure. However, i do give a lot of weight, more weight, to the dynamics of the relationship outside of the bedroom.

The way he treats me outside of the bedroom is what I have to live with for the rest of my life, in theory. If the relationship as a whole is lacking, great sex isn't going to be a factor in my decision to stay or go.

 

[FMCSMT]

You could have a 12 inch penis and give her 10 orgasms in one night. But if you say one little thing to piss her off after, she will ghost you.

Most women are incredibly sensitive and immature. It doesn't mean you're a bad guy if she left you. It means that she's overly emotional and probably doesn't know what's best for her. Let me guess, when she left you she started having sex with a broke dbag

Nope, haven't been laid since and haven't tried either.