Does anybody udnerstand fear?

[ManOMan]

Ive been struggling with this issue for a long time now. I have been single for about 6 years. I have had 2 LTR's in the past (one approached me, the other I approached when I was drinking)

I have always had a fear to approach women. I know this is a problem with many people here, and you can laugh or say "Grow some balls", but that hasnt worked for me.

Whenever I see a girl, I automatically think "She wouldnt want to talk to me", "this is stupid", "you're just going to get rejected"

Yesterday on the subway I saw a girl about 4-5. I wanted to approach her, but I didnt. I finally listened to my internal dialogue and tryed to understand, why approaching women causes me so much fear and anxiety.

again it was the same idea "she wont like you, she will think you are some freak talking to her on the subway, dont do it!"

Even at clubs, whenever I see a really good looking lady, I immediately think "she would NEVER want to talk to you! she is too hot for you!" and I always just stand there like a mope and drink more.

I am really tired of being alone, and really want to learn how to deal with this fear of women.

If Im talking to a girl at work or if it has anything to do with a purpose, I am fine. But as soon as my mind is made up that my interest is sexual, then I automatically begin to fear the approach and conversing.

Does anybody have a tip that could help me ? or if they were in the same situation?

I was thinking of going downtown and just asking random women for directions, so I can learn to cope with this. But this is like moderately stressful for me. Most people are in a rush. but its the only thing I can think of that has a purpose(directions) that will ease my anxiety.

Another thing, I have noticed when I drink heavily, I feel comfortable talking with everybody. I dont want to rely on alcohol to cope with this. I am 36 years old and ready to take this challenge head on. But I just dont know how.

Can anyone offer a little advice?

btw - I tried the few chapters of the Bootcamp. I always try to make eye contact, and have tried smiling (sometimes Im just in a bad mood and dont feel like smiling)

this is as far as I have gotten with it. I cant muster up enough will power to go to the next level.

 

[chlywly]

The only thing that helps, is practice; taking the leap... Theory won't help you!, start approaching, and keep approaching until you get the hang of it.. YES you WILL be rejected, over and over. But not ALL the time, so Get off your pc and BEGIN.

I garauntee you'll see results No pain no gain.

 

[ManOMan]

Yes my intent is to practice,

but I have targeted several places that I dont feel fear and anxiety when talking with women

at work (if I need to ask them a question - work related)

Women in the service industry (waitresses, cashiers, hostesses, library, - mostly because I dont fear rejection, because most likely they wont want to appear rude)

Women that my friends pickup at clubs (because I dont think they will reject me because they might be trying to make an impression on my friends)

- female classmates that I am paired up with for assignments (rare)

and very small parties

Other places I just cannot seem to approach.

I just want to learn if I can get these negative voices out of my system.

 

[chlywly]

What good is it practicing in places where you dont feel fear and anxiety? thats just a complete waste of your time, thats not practice silly, practice is going to the places where you DO feel fear and anxiety, failing, learning and overcoming.

Now shutup and start practicing in the REAL situations, the HARD ones.

 

[Beige]

ManOMan - the thruth is - YOU WILL GET REJECTED.

That is certain - first few talks you will fvck up. So the question is - what will happen when you'll get rejected? Answer: nothing.


I tell you one thing - there are no logical arguments that could convince you to do it when you're out there. Because when the fear kicks in, logic doesn't matter. You will find a reason to not to do it. Perhaps an imagined one, perhaps a real one.


So - forget the logic, remember that you decided to do it whatever the obstacles will be. Even If you are sure that she will reject you, even if you have absolutely valid reason to not to approach, DO IT ANYWAY. That's the only way.

You can't argue with fear. As long as there is a fear, you will find valid excuses to not to approach. Do your thing anyway. Hell, even if you'll get rejected, even if there will be everyone around laughing at you and you'll get a "looser" flag attached tho you - a guy that was standing next to you will feel admiration, because you had the guts to do it, and he didn't.

 

[Big Pappy]

Okay....you have identified the symptom of a problem -- not the problem itself.

Sometimes you're in a bad mood... who isn't? But WHY are you in a bad mood?

You go into the giant Wal-Mart on a Saturday morning, put the stuff you want to buy in a cart and get in line. Ahead of you is some guy, with about 4 kids between 3 and 8. Typically, they are way out of control. One of them is even trying to take a box of cereal out of your cart. How does this make you feel?
It's going to frustrate you; you might even go so far as to suggest to the guy that he at least make an attempt to control his kids.

The guy turns to you, head down, then looks up as if what you said finally registers.. "Huh? Oh, sorry. I guess I should do something...I'm afraid we're all a bit out of sorts today, their mother just died in the hospital. We came here because we didn't have any food in the house. My wife had gotten into a car wreck on the way to the store."

Now, immediately, you go from being frustrated, maybe angry, to compassionate, sympathetic. You might even feel bad for calling his kids a bunch of brats.

The point is YOU control how you feel. There is a point when an event occurs (or maybe an expected event did not occur) when we actually process that occurrence (or non-occurrence) and decide how we deal with it. So, the next time you're in a bad mood, stop it. Decide to be happy.

As Pook says "As you think, so shall you become."

The thought processes that go through your head are not crazy, or normal. They're just yours. It's very trite - but is the glass half full or half empty. Neither. The glass is just too big.

Imagine that a beautiful girl that you approached and talked to confidently with some good humor just looked at you and broke out in laughter at the idea of giving you her number for a date.

Would your life be over? Would your dad know that this hottie didn't like you? Would the cute receptionist where you work see this rejection? The only 2 people that would know about it are her and you. She can't tell anybody, because anyone who listens will peg her for being just not attracted to you physically or too shallow to give a guy a chance.
No one can do anything about either one. It's a blameless condition.

See, you're so keyed up on preserving what little self-esteem you have, you've forgotten that you are in control of the situation. You will decide when to talk to a girl, what to say and when to terminate. Try talking to an ugly, older woman. You walk up, you say hello, you ask her if she's heard about Michael Jackson, whatever. Then you can leave as soon as she's done responding.

Why would this interaction be any different with Brittany Spears or Neve Campbell? It wouldn't. You only get rejected if you try to get something from them. Every now and then, a real piece comes along and won't give you the time of day. This is usally because of something within them, not within you. It happens. Not often, but it happens. When it does, you say, Thank God that didn't work! She's a real piece!

Example: There's this real beauty where I work. She'd had a boyfriend for 3 years. She caught him cheating, dumped him and is now available. So, I approach. Her guard is up, but because I work with her, she doesn't act too cold, because she doesn't want things to be wierd. (me either)

I start talking to her, making her laugh, using a little KINO and we get along really well. So, I've gotten past her guard. I know, if I make the time, I can see her socially. I just know. From her nonverbal, her pitch and tone and her eyes.
I'm feeling like the King of the Jungle, with a big paw on an antelope. I decide where it goes.

There is no risk, really. Because I'm not going to date her. Work is crazy enough. I will LJBF her, and use her to introduce me to all of her hot friends.


Well, this is too long, but I hope you can get something out of it.

 

[Julian]

Remember man, your not the only one. Fear is something that EVERYONE experiences. Its just how you deal with that fear that distinguishes you from a man or a coward.

 

[Celadus]

I have a fear of success. I'm more scared to talk to a girl that I know likes me than a girl who doesn't like me.

 

[EternalBachelor]

ManoMan, I think that cold approaches are very much overrated, and are a lot harder than meeting women through more conventional methods. I wouln'd beat yourself up if you are struggling with them.

What you really need to do is to build a social life, through joining clubs and societies, getting your male friends and female friends to introduce you to some single women etc.
Women you meet through these activities are less intimidating and more responsive to talking.

Try winetasting clubs, yoga, salsa dancing, mixed tennis, cookery classes. They should be full of hot women, and approaching them is a doddle, since you are all doing the same activity, and have been introduced.

 

[xblitz44x]

This stems from your beliefs, and perceptions. A few things must have happened to make you truely believe that doing something as simple and harmless as "talking to a girl" is bad or evil. It's just talking, that's it. Fvck all of this shyt about it 'being a mission', and you needing 'game, and negs, and tricks and stories, and confidence, and ****y/funny'...thats' all unnecessary things that the guys here use to cover up for THEIR own insecurity. You can do it just fine. You just need to start see'ing this as nothing more than making conversation. Stuff that happens every minute of everyday, everywhere around you.

Before we approach a girl, the hotter they are, the more we tend to imagine an AWESOME payoff in our minds. "Man, it would be so awesome to fvck her, make her my GF...etc"...But at the same time, entering your mind will be the OPPOSITE of that promised payoff, the thread of humiliation. "Shyt but I'll feel like a jackass if she doesn't even acknowledge my presence. She probably hates so many guys approaching her"....that is YOUR own percpetions holding you back. They hold no weight in reality though. And what's more facinating is you'll notice the 'hotter' she is, the stronger the perceived payoff, the STRONGER the threat of humiliation. ONce you indulge in thinking about the 'consequences' you have already lost.

-Jim

-If you want more help on this e-mail or PM me.

 

[Walden]

Does mental kino man head-butting some chick?

fear is your brain telling you not to do things that may hurt you. In this case it is your brain very sensibly preventing you from doing things that expose you to the pain of being rejected.

There are two solutions , either go out and get rejected so much that your brain begins to fear it at the level of a slap on the wrist (not very scared) rather than avoiding it like it's something that'll kill you.

The other is to use rehearsal and NLP to reprogram your mind to change that value system.

 

[So pimp its scary]

ManOMan...

fear is your bodies way of protecting yourself from harm.

Courage is feeling fear, yet going out and taking the risks despite the feelings.

therefore, 'Feel the fear and do it anyways...' which is also the title of a great book that I would recommend to you.

 

[LJC]

As it was once for me, it's likely that deep down you're fed up & tired of playing everything safe, yet you avoid taking risks until you can 'figure it all out'. The last thing most men in such a position enjoy doing is to encourage the situation that regurgitates thier weakness with women over and over again. It doesn't help either that you see all too many women whom have this white knight standard. What's even worse is that the most very attractive women are often taken as especially particular, hence a more intense hailstorm of scrutiny to deal with.

This is the load of pressure that makes the avoidant personality such an addictive payoff. We think to ourselves in so many words, "I am already struggling with 'issues', I certainly do not want to discover new ones right now". Avoidance is the reaction most clung to only because you know yourself too well.

The solution is to surprise yourself in any way you can. And that's just for you, not for any woman. In the meantime, try to realize that every woman is an opportunity for you to start on a clean slate, because that bimbo with the tight rack doesn't know you any better than you know my aunts, cousins, boyfriends mother. In the end, what you want to be as a man is how you approach your job, your friends and your women.

 

[rocco]

anyone ever see the movie "carrie"? "their all going to laugh at you!, their all going to laugh at you! nooooooo!"

maybe that internal voice is the voice of carrie's dead mother.

but in a serious note, im taking a speech class and acting class in my college hopefully helping my presentation and interaction skills.

everyone has problems like that, some people are worse. atleast you are trying and looking for an answer.
maybe you can take a similar route as of how im dealing with my own personal anxieties.

btw, all those classes i've mentioned are transferrable credits!

 

[DjDreamer]

Originally posted by Celadius: I have a fear of success. I'm more scared to talk to a girl that I know likes me than a girl who doesn't like me.

You fear having a conversation with a girl that wishes to be intimate with you? Don't you think those feelings are sort of queer-like? For a hetereo mind that's only understandable if your fear is based on the girl being dissapointment with you. But why get frustrated by not pleasing a superfiscial chick?

Originally posted by ManOMan: I have always had a fear to approach women. I know this is a problem with many people here, and you can laugh or say "Grow some balls", but that hasnt worked for me

Whenever I see a girl, I automatically think "She wouldnt want to talk to me", "this is stupid", "you're just going to get rejected"

You need to think about better outcomes in order for you to act proper around strangers. If you want fear to become less significant in your life, you need to establish better neuro linguistic programming

Speak to new beautifull girls like you're speaking with old freinds...

Fear is realizng you don't have control over everything...You don't crontrol the weather, a plane travelling over your head and the sexual arousal of every new interesting woman you meet. Fear is reality, don't try to erase it, accept it and deal with it it in a mature manner.

 

[suavesaint]

A Similar Issue To "Does Anyone Understand Fear"

Once Again I Call Upon The Seniors To Assist Me

As chlywly Once Said: You Don't Meet Women By Being On Your PC Or Through Theory, You Need To Try And Try Again.

My Problem Is Slightly Different Though, I've Come Out Of A Relationship & Its Been Such A Long Time, That I'm Now Out Of College & Working (So The Time For Meeting Girls @ College, Or @ School Is Over), And Very Few Friends I Have Are Females (As I've Recently Moved As Well)

now, what should i do, and where would be good places to meet women and @ those places, what shall i do

The Wisdom Of The DJ's Will Be Appreciated.

 

[BMW]

Originally posted by Beige
ManOMan - the thruth is - YOU WILL GET REJECTED.

That is certain - first few talks you will fvck up. So the question is - what will happen when you'll get rejected? Answer: nothing.


I tell you one thing - there are no logical arguments that could convince you to do it when you're out there. Because when the fear kicks in, logic doesn't matter. You will find a reason to not to do it. Perhaps an imagined one, perhaps a real one.


So - forget the logic, remember that you decided to do it whatever the obstacles will be. Even If you are sure that she will reject you, even if you have absolutely valid reason to not to approach, DO IT ANYWAY. That's the only way.

You can't argue with fear. As long as there is a fear, you will find valid excuses to not to approach. Do your thing anyway. Hell, even if you'll get rejected, even if there will be everyone around laughing at you and you'll get a "looser" flag attached tho you - a guy that was standing next to you will feel admiration, because you had the guts to do it, and he didn't.

Good advice.

Also, ManOMan think about it....if someone rejects you, would it really bother you 10 years from now? The embarrsment you may feel may last at most 1 hour. After that, you go on with your life. Some people don't even feel embarrassed more than one minute.