do you guys confront girls about bs?

[garruk]

ive been seeing this girl for the past few months. i see her like 2 or 3 times a week aside from a week here or there when i've been gone on business.

we havent had any "talks" about what we are, but im not talking to anyone else and i dont think she is either.


but anyways, this one week when i was on a trip to the east coast for work, she told me she went down to mexico with her girlfreind for the weekend. but it turns out her exbf was also present that weekend (so there was 3 of them). she's said they're over (i know the exbf is still into her), and she clearly tried to hide this from me.

would you guys confront her? im not sure what it would accomplish.

 

[st_99]

well if you have the right don't give a crap attitude (which you should) then i would definitely bring it up.

i'd say in a real nonchalant way, "hey, i heard your ex was down there with you two, that must have been interesting" and thats that.

But only if you really can pull off the nonchalantness and not get emotional and what not.

But yeah, i would certainly bring it up. The intent is to show that a) you know, b) its no sweat c) its duly noted and
d) she's just been downgraded. (you don't have to tell her all these bullet points, she'll just know.) then you can see
her reaction, does she get more loving out of fear of losing you, or doesn she not give a crap? either way, thats info for you.

 

[backbreaker]

i have developed a method dealing with my wife i call "push pull"

I mean, if she does something that is just very out of line, i will be very direct, this **** isn't going to work.

but something like this, what i do, i basically do the exact same thing she does, only in return.

for instance, she likes to go out with her GF's a few nights a month. honestly i have 0% problem with that, seriously. hell half the time im' glad lol. But at the same time, if she went out 3 times this last month, i'm going go out by myself 3 times. I'm not going to do antyhing and we trust each other, but i will never hear the "you need to stay at home line" because if she wants me to stay home she needs to stay home.

whatever a woman gives, you take take right back. if she is calling me 2-3 times a day, i'm going to randommlly call her 1-2 times a day. if she isn't calling, i'm no t going to call. if she is going to skip out on doing something i want to do I'm going to skip out on doing something she wants to do.

the results in her pretty much not doing antyhing i would deem "****ed up" lol.

if my wife / gf pulled something like that, i would go to arknasas by myself and "just so happen" to be alone with a few ex's of mine and let her know about it. something might have happened, or it might not have happened, who knows.

The beauty of this is that you will have the exact amount vested in the relationship as she does. if she's going behind your back, you are doing the same thing lol. it's not going to kill you when you break up. if she wants a strong relationship, make her put forth the effort to get one

 

[FairShake]

ive been seeing this girl for the past few months. i see her like 2 or 3 times a week aside from a week here or there when i've been gone on business.

we havent had any "talks" about what we are, but im not talking to anyone else and i dont think she is either.


but anyways, this one week when i was on a trip to the east coast for work, she told me she went down to mexico with her girlfreind for the weekend. but it turns out her exbf was also present that weekend (so there was 3 of them). she's said they're over (i know the exbf is still into her), and she clearly tried to hide this from me.

would you guys confront her? im not sure what it would accomplish.

This is what happens when you don't establish boundaries and establish just what you have. She is free to go anywhere she wants with her ex because you guys haven't committed to anything yet. I suppose she should tell you but really you are just FBs at this time and you don't owe an FB sh!t.

Clearly you want something more...

Talk to her about it. If she's down for something more let her know in no uncertain terms the ex has gotta go. If she bucks for even a little bit I'd be looking elsewhere.

 

[garruk]

well if you have the right don't give a crap attitude (which you should) then i would definitely bring it up.

i'd say in a real nonchalant way, "hey, i heard your ex was down there with you two, that must have been interesting" and thats that.

But only if you really can pull off the nonchalantness and not get emotional and what not.

But yeah, i would certainly bring it up. The intent is to show that a) you know, b) its no sweat c) its duly noted and
d) she's just been downgraded. (you don't have to tell her all these bullet points, she'll just know.) then you can see
her reaction, does she get more loving out of fear of losing you, or doesn she not give a crap? either way, thats info for you.

hmm i like the outline youve presented. certianly shows what i have to gain and what the point of confrontation would be for me.

This is what happens when you don't establish boundaries and establish just what you have. She is free to go anywhere she wants with her ex because you guys haven't committed to anything yet. I suppose she should tell you but really you are just FBs at this time and you don't owe an FB sh!t.

Clearly you want something more...

Talk to her about it. If she's down for something more let her know in no uncertain terms the ex has gotta go. If she bucks for even a little bit I'd be looking elsewhere.

this is very true too which is why i hesitate bring it up. she owes me nothing and i understand that fully well.

usually the girl aslways brings up this "where is this going?" discussion. i've never done it in my 27 years of life and i think thats what keeps me from bringing it up. i guess i should just grab my sack and do it.

 

[soldier]

Wow I'm kind of surprised at these answers. Question: if she f-ed him while she was there, would you be ok with it? I wouldn't, based on the situation you described. At the very minimum I'd let her know you know about it and ignore her for as long as you can stand (maybe forever depending on how much you like her).

 

[pdx1138]

you need to say something. otherwise she'll think you're ok with her steam rolling you whenever she sees fit to do so.

I made that mistake in my last relationship....never again.

 

[Diaforetikos]

It depends how much you're gonna tolerate. If you want her around, be nonchalant, yet still busting her out.

Ex: "Hey, so I heard so and so was down in Mexico with you guys."


But if you could care less about her, be direct, yet still in control, and just let her know whats up.

Ex: "Aye, what's up with so and so being down in Mexico? That's not cool. Period."


Your relationship, your choice.

 

[vatoloco]

ive been seeing this girl for the past few months. i see her like 2 or 3 times a week aside from a week here or there when i've been gone on business.

Holy shit! I barely manage to see my current GF 3 times a week. When you're single and spinning plates, one should see [non-exclusive] plates about once a week only.

we havent had any "talks" about what we are, but im not talking to anyone else and i dont think she is either.

How long have you guys been dating? She hasn't brought up the "What are we?" or "Where is this going?" talk? If you're not exclusive, you should be spinning plates. Just as she's [very likely] doing.

but anyways, this one week when i was on a trip to the east coast for work, she told me she went down to mexico with her girlfreind for the weekend. but it turns out her exbf was also present that weekend (so there was 3 of them). she's said they're over (i know the exbf is still into her), and she clearly tried to hide this from me.

Hey, exclusivity hasn't been brought up so it's fair game, IMO. Though I don't necessarily agree that she's over the ex...

would you guys confront her? im not sure what it would accomplish.

Here's my take.

 

[Alex DeLarge]

Vatoloco's opinion on this seems pretty tight.

 

[st_99]

Hey, exclusivity hasn't been brought up so it's fair game, IMO.

Everything is fair game, you can be married for 10 years and your girl leaving your afc a$$ for your best friend is fair game, its fair because as individuals we can do whatever the hell we want.

So fairness isnt really anything to focus on when it comes to women. If a girls is banging 3 guys just because I didn't bring
up exclusivity, I'm still going to think she's a no good POS. I really dont care if its fair.

 

[PokerStar]

exactly st 99. in this game there are no rules. there is no playing fair. only few winners and tons of losers.

 

[Von_S]

Thats some Inception sh!t you got going on in your post vatoloco, I like it.

First off OP, only have "the talk" if you want the relationship to go somewhere, if you're just fvcking her, and she's letting her ex fvck her too, than who gives a ****.

Don't be territorial with your plates, it gives them way too much value.

 

[perseverance]

If a man wants a relationship then I cannot fathom why he wouldn't make this clear? What are you scared of exactly?

FWB's, ONS or dating someone doesn't equate to "we're in a relationship", so if your FWB decides one day to have sex or start a relationship with someone else then you cannot call her out on anything, these arrangements in my experience are only temporary.

 

[European-DJ]

Depending on the girl, the time i have known her, and the current situation.

But a general rule i always follow is the following;

If it is within the meeting and 3rd date (first 2 months), i tell her straight away, with the following sentence.
"Bull****".

To whatever she writes...

Her; "I am sorry, but i have to bail, i got sick all of the sudden".
Me; "Bull****."

They tend to be surprised with my straight forwardness ! .

 

[garruk]

great responses guys, especially vatoloco.

i really dont htink she's interested in her ex at all. he's an AFC for sure. sends her depressing text messages about how they're soulmates and on paper he's really got nothing on me (aside from past history).


while it's possible they hooked up in mexico, theres pretty much no way it's a common occurence.

but in any case, i do see point of being passive agressive now, confrontation as vatoloco mentions, brings the chance of lowering her interest in me.

How long have you guys been dating? She hasn't brought up the "What are we?" or "Where is this going?" talk? If you're not exclusive, you should be spinning plates. Just as she's [very likely] doing.

we've been together reptty consistently for about 2-3 months. as i said, we see eachother 2-3 times a week, so i really dont htink she has the time to see other people (unless she's secretly not going to work as she says she is).

 

[metronome]

I was in a similar situation after a few months with my current GF. Things were going well, but I met her online and from time to time she would log on to her profile.

I totally agree - and I've seen it work - that setting boundaries is very important. I am personally pretty laid back and I prefer to let my own confidence and value convince the girl that she shouldn't be doing anything to jeopardise her position, but sometimes you need to call her out.

Most guys (me included in the past) might have refrained from confronting a girl because it might reduce her interest level. As I'm sure most of you already really know deep down though, if it does that, you shouldn't be with that girl.

Do me a favour and search the web and check out how many girls get turned on when her BF confronts her, or gets angry with her. I have a theory that most girls do. Mine does. It drives her nuts. Whenever there is a scene in a movie or something where the guy gets really angry with a woman and even gets her by her neck uo against a wall or anything, she does the whole fake-yawn-and-hand-lands-on-my-penis..

What I think is the tricky bit in this kind of situation, if you like the girl, which I assume the OP does, is to keep your cool.

My suggestion - this is what I did - is to say something like, hey look I don't want to overthink anything, but I like the way things are going, and I'm not seeing anyone else right now. In my situation I made it clear that I would not like it if I found out that my girl was dating anyone else as well. The key is you have NOT TO CARE. You must frame it like you are in complete control. Of course you should be in complete control, but easier said than done...

Yes I know, you do care.. but you shouldnt.. if she blows up or walks, good riddance, she would have shredded your heart worse down the line. You really shouldnt build up the conversation in your mind when it happens. I bet you she is relieved, happy, and if you did it in a DJ way, turned on when you have finished telling her how it's gonna be.

Good luck and let us know what happens.

 

[vatoloco]

Everything is fair game, you can be married for 10 years and your girl leaving your afc a$$ for your best friend is fair game, its fair because as individuals we can do whatever the hell we want.

So fairness isnt really anything to focus on when it comes to women. If a girls is banging 3 guys just because I didn't bring
up exclusivity, I'm still going to think she's a no good POS. I really dont care if its fair.

If you're banging 3 girls (like you should be doing if you're not exclusive), should your other plates think that you're a "no good POS"?

I'm not gonna tell you what's right and wrong. What I can say is that, in my experience, karma's a bitch. If I'm banging multiple plates then, at least for me, it's "fair" that my plates should bang other people if they so choose to.

But once I enter exclusivity (a verbal contract), it is no longer "fair" to bang other people. At least in my eyes... YMMV, of course.

 

[vatoloco]

If a man wants a relationship then I cannot fathom why he wouldn't make this clear? What are you scared of exactly?

The problem is that most of the time, this is a losing endeavor. If a man wants a relationship more than the woman, he will come into it in a unfavorable position. It is almost always better if she's more interested in a relationship than you.

FWB's, ONS or dating someone doesn't equate to "we're in a relationship", so if your FWB decides one day to have sex or start a relationship with someone else then you cannot call her out on anything, these arrangements in my experience are only temporary.

And this is exactly the crux of this thread. A man will start dating/fucking a girl for a couple of months and he then assumes that he's in an exclusive relationship with her, while she doesn't think the same way. "We're just dating," she'll say...

If you're spinning a plate after many months and she doesn't ask/hint for exclusivity, she just wants to keep things casual and is not relationship material, if that's what you're looking for. If you just want a FB, then she's perfect... assuming that you can keep your emotions in check...

 

[st_99]

If you're banging 3 girls (like you should be doing if you're not exclusive), should your other plates think that you're a "no good POS"?

IMO, a male is expected to take on that role, a female is not. So in this case whats good for the gander is NOT good for the goose.