Do I keep ignoring her?

[DMEDFISIK]

Greetings all. From a previous post, I mentioned I cheated on a girlfriend of 3 yrs. She found out and went berserk. I went to great lengths to show penitence with a series of gestures, and a final gesture which moved her deeply.

Eventually she came around, but she always mentioned how she was having a difficult time trusting me, but we would interact as if everything was fine. Anyways she traveled out of the country for the Christmas break. Once she called me and said she hated me because she couldn't see her future without me in it. Then a week later she calls and asks me what hoes I have been meeting, and that she's taking a break off men for now. My response was "Good for you." In fact, she's been pulling this back-and-forth stint with me for a month now and it's getting irritating. So I stopped calling her.

I picked her up from the airport and noticed she was being very nice to me. And the way she looked at me, I could tell there was desire in her, but I held myself back. She even walked around me naked as if things were normal. I still kept to myself. She asked me to stay the night since it was snowing outside. I did, but kept to myself on the bed. I left in the morning after some mundane talk with her. Since then no calls from either of us. It's been 4 days now.

I am tired of the back-and-forth and want her to come to me herself. I'm tired of chasing.

I've been seeing other women, but none with the intellectual and emotional connection yet. It's sort of like having plain sex with women with nothing else.

What do you recommend I do? I know I'm somewhat emotional about things and need disinterested advice.

Thanks.

 

[AMDG]

What do you recommend I do?
Thanks.

Move on. A broken mirror cannot be fixed - and you are clerly no longer her priority.

I cheated on my gf once ( because she was unwilling to do some acts with me and I found someone else ), but she forgave me, recognized that I was unsatisfied at the time and we are ok now. No "penitence" from my part, no "break off" - you are now weak in her eyes.

 

[DMEDFISIK]

Move on. A broken mirror cannot be fixed - and you are clerly no longer her priority.

I cheated on my gf once ( because she was unwilling to do some acts with me and I found someone else ), but she forgave me, recognized that I was unsatisfied at the time and we are ok now. No "penitence" from my part, no "break off" - you are now weak in her eyes.

LOL. If this is true, then it confirms my decision to keep ignoring her then. But she's got quite an ego. She's the type that would want me so bad, but she would just stay stubborn and not make a move. But it's all good.

 

[st_99]

In the past, I've noticed a pattern in girls that are ready to completely
break it off with you will all of a sudden act like everything is back to normal
by acting like they are really into you, nice, sexy, etc.. then bam! They are
gone and you're scratching your head the next day. It's weird but they all
seem to do it. Its almost like a last minute parting shot.


That may not apply in your situation but that is what your opening post reminds of.
Especially the walking around naked and what not..

But it does sound like this is what may have happened. It's probably
over and you don't even know it.

 

[Colossus]

She definitely wants YOU to come to her....most people would if they had been cheated on. Whether you get back together or not, she is probably going to harbor that against you for a long, long time. The only way to be set free after you've been cheated on is to completely forgive the other person.

My question is why did you cheat on her in the first place? Do you truly want her back or are just in the midst of post-breakup nostalgia?

 

[DMEDFISIK]

She definitely wants YOU to come to her....most people would if they had been cheated on. Whether you get back together or not, she is probably going to harbor that against you for a long, long time. The only way to be set free after you've been cheated on is to completely forgive the other person.

My question is why did you cheat on her in the first place? Do you truly want her back or are just in the midst of post-breakup nostalgia?

But I kept coming for 3 months, and she kept playing games. At what point do I give up and let her come if she wants to? Well . . .

I cheated on her because she broke up with me a year before for no apparent reason. She came back to me, but when I took her back I was already messing with other girls and found it hard to break it off with them. It was fun. But now I want her, but I'm also ok with her never coming back to me.

I am already over the post-breakup nostalgia. She and I really connect so it's hard to just let it go like that. I KNOW I'll find another. I met the best one yet three weeks ago, but she has a kid and I don't do women with kids. Best girl I've met so far, but I am not inclined to date a woman with a kid.

 

[DMEDFISIK]

You know why she broke up with you and that is to go fvk other men.

Of course, you are the one that made a mistake by taking her back when you knew you could not commit. Hell, even if you could commit to her, taking her back was a mistake.

Now you are on to yet another mistake by even entertaining this whole screwed up relationship again.

Take your nut-sack off of the wall, put it in your pocket, and walk the fvk away.

She didn't fvck other men. That much is sure.

Well, I've walked away. But it's kind of hard. Lol. I guess I haven't met the right woman yet.

 

[jophil28]

I cheated on her because she broke up with me a year before for no apparent reason. She came back to me, but when I took her back I was already messing with other girls and found it hard to break it off with them.

^ This says that BOTH of you are not fully committed to the relationship and that both of you would breakup permanently IF suitable replacements came along . In other words you and she are still toying with each other because both of you are the best (or most convenient) option that either has met up to this point.

IF her reason for breaking up with you re-emerged again, she would walk again.
Similarly,if a hot replacement came along, you would probably break off your relationship .

I wonder which is going to happen first ?

 

[Colossus]

But I kept coming for 3 months, and she kept playing games. At what point do I give up and let her come if she wants to? Well . . .

I cheated on her because she broke up with me a year before for no apparent reason. She came back to me, but when I took her back I was already messing with other girls and found it hard to break it off with them. It was fun. But now I want her, but I'm also ok with her never coming back to me.

I am already over the post-breakup nostalgia. She and I really connect so it's hard to just let it go like that. I KNOW I'll find another. I met the best one yet three weeks ago, but she has a kid and I don't do women with kids. Best girl I've met so far, but I am not inclined to date a woman with a kid.

I see, that makes more sense. I'm inclined to agree with Jophil here---it sounds like this may have run it's course. You say you want her, but you are also ok with her never coming back....that tells me you probably wouldnt be ok with her never coming back--UNLESS a suitable replacement came along. I understand your feelings for her but you cant force it. You have made more than enough effort to show contrition and she is still being flighty. You just gotta hit the old dusty trail and move on with life.

 

[Traveller2011]

Hi. I am new here and found this place through Facing the Facts. The Borderline Personality Disorder board.

It sounds like she may be a little BPD. Does she go off on you in rages? Does she have wild mood swings? Is she a flirt with other men? The whole push/pull thing is a red flag. They call it "I hate you don't leave me!"

If any of that sounds familiar. Walk don't run away from this woman and thank G*d that you didn't marry her. I did.

 

[DMEDFISIK]

You say you want her, but you are also ok with her never coming back....that tells me you probably wouldnt be ok with her never coming back--UNLESS a suitable replacement came along.

You nailed it. If I get a suitable replacement then I'm good. If not, I will always miss her.

 

[DMEDFISIK]

Hi. I am new here and found this place through Facing the Facts. The Borderline Personality Disorder board.

It sounds like she may be a little BPD. Does she go off on you in rages? Does she have wild mood swings? Is she a flirt with other men? The whole push/pull thing is a red flag. They call it "I hate you don't leave me!"

If any of that sounds familiar. Walk don't run away from this woman and thank G*d that you didn't marry her. I did.

She's not really a flirt.

Secondly, she's really afraid I'll hurt her again. That's why she has problems with me. She has told me she wants a confident that guy that can attract lots of women but who will stay faithful to her. She likes this fairy tale idea of "Oh, out of all the girls he could get, he chose me." I was mostly faithful to her if not for the break up she initiated a while ago.

She actually called me yesterday and we talked for an hour. I told her I was exploring my options. She was a bit upset with that. As for friendship, she wants us to be friends (we are each others' best friend), but she also says she'll be very upset if she knows I am dating another girl.

On her trip, she kissed some guy in her attempt to try to forget me but apparently didn't work. Just the whole "I'm single let me have fun" mood. I know she's not that kind of girl. She's a romantic with an idea of a perfect love that doesn't exist. She's not a party girl. She also complained about being lonely and missing me, etc. But she's having a hard time with trust.

I'm thinking of writing her a final letter explaining in detail where I stand and how I'll take things. No, I will not beg her to come back to me. Just tell her I still care for her, and offer a "take it or leave it" deal. I'll focus on other women and let the chips will fall where they may.

 

[jophil28]

Just tell her I still care for her, and offer a "take it or leave it" deal.

I would be reluctant to do that because it offers her the power to choose. And we all know (or should) that women with power perform poorly and act erratically .
If she really wanted to be with you she would be with you.
Even if she took up your offer to re-establish your relationship there is no guarantee that she won't break up with you again for no apparent reason like she did previously. In fact now she has another reason to dump you - revenge .
Frankly, your relationship was probably mortally wounded when she broke up the first time.

RT has often written about the "desire" issue which is frequently overlooked in favor of regaining "trust ". You woman has not enough desire here to make an effort toward reconciliation. She is stuck in the pretense of claiming that it is a trust issue.
Many a guy has worked his azz off to regain 'her trust' only to be dumped after a week of make up sex and a a few expensive dinners.

 

[DMEDFISIK]

I would be reluctant to do that because it offers her the power to choose. And we all know (or should) that women with power perform poorly and act erratically .
If she really wanted to be with you she would be with you.
Even if she took up your offer to re-establish your relationship there is no guarantee that she won't break up with you again for no apparent reason like she did previously. In fact now she has another reason to dump you - revenge .
Frankly, your relationship was probably mortally wounded when she broke up the first time.

RT has often written about the "desire" issue which is frequently overlooked in favor of regaining "trust ". You woman has not enough desire here to make an effort toward reconciliation. She is stuck in the pretense of claiming that it is a trust issue.
Many a guy has worked his azz off to regain 'her trust' only to be dumped after a week of make up sex and a a few expensive dinners.

Thanks a lot for this. I was at the gym and thought about things and decided against communicating with her again. Your post confirms my decision. You are right. I will do nothing, continue to focus on other women, and let the chips fall where they may. If a woman really wants to be with a man, she'll crawl underneath blockades and jump over barriers. Thanks again.

 

[st_99]

Thanks a lot for this. I was at the gym and thought about things and decided against communicating with her again. Your post confirms my decision. You are right. I will do nothing, continue to focus on other women, and let the chips fall where they may. If a woman really wants to be with a man, she'll crawl underneath blockades and jump over barriers. Thanks again.

Yep, I agree, that is the way it is. There really is no need to do anything special. Most likely she is basically getting rid of you though.