Do I have a mental disorder?

[Baibars]

I realized a behavioral pattern on myself that always seems to hurt and destroy me.

I tend to have relationships with women that give me an unusual amount of validation and attention. I use this once I know they are attached even when they behave good. I make them suffer and chase me which validates me and makes me feel good. After some time I accept them back only to repeat this again and again.
i basically make them chase me to feel validated and good about myself.I also degrade them.
Eventually the girl can’t or doesn’t want to do this anymore, wants distance and gets cold. As soon as I realize this I go crazy af. I try to get my supply of her back.
I thought about it and I came to the conclusion that this feeling that I have when they change has nothing to do with love. It’s fear and many other bad emotions combined.

this is not normal right? Do you have any idea why I repeatedly do this?

 

[Gamisch]

I realized a behavioral pattern on myself that always seems to hurt and destroy me.

I tend to have relationships with women that give me an unusual amount of validation and attention. I use this once I know they are attached even when they behave good. I make them suffer and chase me which validates me and makes me feel good. After some time I accept them back only to repeat this again and again.
i basically make them chase me to feel validated and good about myself.I also degrade them.
Eventually the girl can’t or doesn’t want to do this anymore, wants distance and gets cold. As soon as I realize this I go crazy af. I try to get my supply of her back.
I thought about it and I came to the conclusion that this feeling that I have when they change has nothing to do with love. It’s fear and many other bad emotions combined.

this is not normal right? Do you have any idea why I repeatedly do this?

Sounds like you have attachment issues.

Like you correctly stated, it has little to nothing to do with actual "love"( quote on qoute love, because the definition of love is vague by default and a rather personal opinion than a hard fact).

Its sounds like it more about power and ofcourse validation. What helps tor ME are the following steps:
- therapy
-sturdy and critical look at your own behaviour
-REALLY IMPORTANT!! Fimd ways to validate YOURSELF apart from not just women.but anyone. That could be certain accomplishments, goals, visions ect.


You must be carefull, because at some point you'll come across a woman who will play you like a fiddle and pretend like she's oblivious to your issues while she knows damn well what and who you are ....she'll be just like yiu but probably olay this sick game even better...before you know it you'll be lashing out violently.

It also degrades your own worth. When you let one go ,you let one go ,in PEACE. I also have the tendency of lashing out before I(!!) dump a woman, like a final ,mostly unnecessary kick when she's already down...

 

[Stanley]

You are chasing a high while running away from something, you need to figure out what that something is and why you fill it with unhealthy relationships

No, I don't think it is normal behavior for a man to thrive off validation, that is often the other gender.

I'm not going to go all armchair psychologist on you and sit on a throne of superiority in some way, but this sounds like symptoms of histrionic behavior with a side of low self esteem. It reads that you utilize relationships to feel better about yourself and to fill something you are missing? or perhaps something you are hiding from...Then once the relationship buys the farm you do everything in your power to get that high back in your life? That is not healthy

You're thinking about this and I gather you know this is not 'normal' behavior and are just using this forum as a sounding board (which is fine). We can't diagnose you though, so take what I say (and anyone else) with a grain of salt to go in your reflection jar.

I'd recommend speaking with someone in real life, whether that be family, friends or a clinician. Try reading up on attachment theory as well, I think it will resonate with you.

 

[obelisk]

Attachment theory, family of origin work and learning about C-PTSD might be fruitful.

 

[RickPound]

OP, the fact that you’re self aware enough to describe this and ask the question is a good thing. I’ve started diving into myself after a few years of extremely toxic relationships. Similar to you, I start out feeling powerful and validated with certain women, but when your behavior triggers someone else with problems and unhealthy coping mechanisms - worse than yours- it’s gonna cause pain for us.

For me, I seem to attract cluster b types who can provide extreme validation in the beginning - and who are extremely hot. My game and emotional unavailability keep me in long enough to experience their devaluation and messed up behaviors, and that triggers my abandonment issues and ego. The chaos ensues.

Every behavior stems from an emotion and a need.

We can only figure out and control ourselves so keep digging in.

 

[SW15]

@Baibars -- If you think you might have a mental disorder, contact a mental health professional and explore this possibility.

 

[LTG71]

Sounds like you have been gifted with attachment issues from your upbringing. At least you are self-aware and can work towards something that works better. If not, you will repeat this pattern the rest of your life. Everyone has these experiences in varying degrees, so you are not alone. Here is a link if you are curious.

4 Types of Attachment: What's Your Style?

How you navigate relationships may depend on your early experiences with caregivers. Identifying your attachment style may help in strengthening your bonds.

psychcentral.com

 

[SW15]

Sounds like you have been gifted with attachment issues from your upbringing. At least you are self-aware and can work towards something that works better. If not, you will repeat this pattern the rest of your life. Everyone has these experiences in varying degrees, so you are not alone. Here is a link if you are curious.

4 Types of Attachment: What's Your Style?

How you navigate relationships may depend on your early experiences with caregivers. Identifying your attachment style may help in strengthening your bonds.

psychcentral.com

Attachment theory, family of origin work and learning about C-PTSD might be fruitful.

Attachment theory and attachment styles are concepts discussed both in groups of people with both blue pill and red pill ideologies towards romantic relationships.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

I think most men who have succeeded with women can understand what the poster is describing. In fact, I'd wager many here have engaged in similar behavioral patterns.

Anecdote: When I first divorced, I went through women at a high rate; I was getting laid like tile. If I found a woman very attractive and pleasant, I'd turn the full charm on to pull her in - succeeded more than it failed. I got to the point where I had a set of behaviors and actions and could lock chicks down emotionally with stunning regularity. Then I'd push/pull them, limit time with them so I could date others simultaneously, etc.

As time passed, I really ended up hurting a number of really great women, BADLY, and I regret it deeply. Eventually, if you have any empathy and are not a psychopath, you realize that what you are doing is wrong, and you auto-correct.

 

[Serenity]

Sounds like narcissism. Not saying you're a full blown narcissist, but all of your described behaviors together puts you somewhere on that spectrum.

Typical causes are childhood trauma and/or not getting the attention and validation a kid needs in your upbringing, such as very passive parents. I'm not going to assume anything about you, but if this applies to you then that's a likely cause.

Might be worth checking out. The way you behave in relationships isn't considered healthy. The healthy thing to do is acknowledge it's over, let go and move on.

 

[Bokanovsky]

I realized a behavioral pattern on myself that always seems to hurt and destroy me.

I tend to have relationships with women that give me an unusual amount of validation and attention. I use this once I know they are attached even when they behave good. I make them suffer and chase me which validates me and makes me feel good. After some time I accept them back only to repeat this again and again.
i basically make them chase me to feel validated and good about myself.I also degrade them.
Eventually the girl can’t or doesn’t want to do this anymore, wants distance and gets cold. As soon as I realize this I go crazy af. I try to get my supply of her back.
I thought about it and I came to the conclusion that this feeling that I have when they change has nothing to do with love. It’s fear and many other bad emotions combined.

this is not normal right? Do you have any idea why I repeatedly do this?

No, it's not normal. But it's good that you can look at your own behavior objectively and identify what is clearly an issue.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Seeking the advice of a professional is probably gonna be more fruit bearing than from a bunch of bros.

I get what you are asking though, is the behaviour normal? I would say most people have a drop and pick it up attitude, where as you seem to tend to want to make it work, scarcity mindset.

 

[Kotaix]

It's certainly not healthy.

I think the generic red pill, spin plates for life mentality doesn't help your problem at all if you're chasing down that rabbit hole.

How capable are you of being satisfied with anything? Are you fickle when it comes to jobs, women, cars, etc? Are you good at spending lots of money chasing some kind of satisfaction?

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

No it’s not normal. However as pointed out by others, the self awareness it takes to examine our own pathos is commendable.

Find a therapist who deals with cluster B and attachment style issues. There are things you can learn to self validate and self soothe and those things can become the building blocks to healthier interactions. You are already observing that eventually healthy women leave and choose not to participate in your unhealthy pattern.

And then you are by yourself again.

 

[TheManMasenko]

Same here homie.

I’ve destoryed many relationships.

My solution, I’ve made rules for myself that I won’t break due to the honor and pride, I have to keep these positions. Based on previous experiences, it’ll be silly to assume the rules I made from myself to be unnecessary. If I claimed my rule to be unnecessary, then I would I realize that the aftermath of the relationship I contributed to destroy would be not a big deal (or even an experience at all). If they weren’t a big deal…well…not following the rules which would result in more trauma and burnt relationships which would actually be justified and accepted.

A role I made while in relationships is to never cheat once committed or be toxic.

I had the chance to cheat on my ex and I boasted about it. Blindly following terrible internet dating advice I unknowingly destroyed the trust and the frame of my entire relationship.

My experience, which resulted in me creating this rule came from the aftermath of the relationship.

Best of luck. Stay out of SS.