Do Girls Ever Distance Themselves from Usher?

[Finch]

Hey guys, has anybody read the lastest article on the homepage? Do Girls Ever Distance Themselves from Usher? I just read it and it speaks volumes to me because I'm in a similar situation as the guy is in the article.

However, the difference is that I've been dating my girlfriend for almost a year and half now. We've had a very strong and wonderful relationship up until lately when things have become complicated. She's a very beautiful girl, HB9, and I care about her very much. I don't want to lose her, but she's been distancing herself from me lately and I'm not sure how to react. Why don't you just follow the advice in the article and become less available you ask?

Well I'm not sure how to react to this situation because we've been having a very difficult summer. We started fighting in the beginning of summer because we weren't able to spend much time together. She's a dancer and was spending a lot of time dancing for a recital that was coming up. I was becoming upset because we would often make plans to hang out and she would have to cancel plans because she would have to meet up with her dance partner. I wasn't upset that she had to dance, but I was upset that she didn't set aside time for me to make up for the time that was lost.

Since the beginning of the summer we've been having trouble spending time together. Her family is very clingy and treats her like a child. She's a sophomore in college, but she has a more strict curfew and rules then a sophomore in high school might have. It's ridiculous.

Less than a month ago we found out that she was pregnant. We've been using birth control, but we got unlucky and she got pregnant anyway. We just went through an abortion and that was pretty traumatic on both of us.

A few days ago she found out that her fraternal twin sister has been cutting herself because she's depressed. On top of that she also just found out that her mother has breast cancer this past Wednesday.

We have had a pretty crazy summer! Before she found out about her sister and mother, we were fighting about having not spent much time together. She seemed distant and finally we sat down and talked about it. She said that she had been pushing me away, becoming distant, and that she was treating everyone this way. It was upsetting to me that she was pushing me away, because I really need her too during this hard time, but I can understand.

Now really to the core of my question. She just doesn't seem to have the same enthusiasm in our relationship lately. This week she is in Las Vegas for dance competitions. She's been there since Thursday and I've barely even heard from her. She didn't even call me for the first several days, but sent me a text message to apologize. I think I shamed her into calling me yesterday and we talked only briefly in the morning. That evening she had found out that she had won first place in nationals, which is a huge achievement, and all I got was a text message. I guess that's okay, but it just seems strange to me that she wouldn't have a desire to call me and share her accomplishment with me.

I know you're thinking that the whole not calling/texting thing during her trip is a trivial thing, but this is kind of the vibe I feel in our relationship lately. I'm not really sure if I should be backing off during this time and let her come to me, or if I should just continue what I've been doing? She assures me that she loves me above everything and that she is a very lucky girl to have such a wonderful boyfriend, but I just feel lonely lately and the relationship feels weak. I feel lonely because after we've talked about things she promised that she would stop being so distant, and understood that was selfish, and was going to spend more time with me and really show me how much she loves me instead of just telling me.

What do you guys think about these things?

 

[Phyzzle]

I know you're thinking that the whole not calling/texting thing during her trip is a trivial thing,

Oh, no, I agree this is a bad thing. She may still have interest in you, but her interest in dancing is higher. Not suprising for a National Champion! Those people have to be obsessed to the point of tossing their normal lives.

we would often make plans to hang out and she would have to cancel plans because she would have to meet up with her dance partner.

Is this "dancing partner" a guy?

What do you guys think about these things?

For real, I'm pissed. She's 20 y.o. now. If she really, really needs to practice at 8, she needs to NOT MAKE PLANS WITH YOU at 8!!! OOh, is that sooo fvcking complicated???
She's making vague promises, and has zero time for you. Your relationship is over, pal. Maybe you lost her interest, maybe her parents have twisted her mind into a dancing machine. Back off, let her call you. If she doesn't in a week, then remember: a dissappearance IS a breakup, period. You're free to date other chicks.
~Phyzzle

 

[Finch]

I agree with you that she should be showing more interest in me by calling and/or texting me while she's on this vacation. I do remember in the past, in the beginning of our relationship when she was without a doubt head-over-heals for me, that she was strange about calling and texting and always has been to a degree.

Her dance partner is a guy, but he's in his 30s and she thinks that he is gay. I'm not going to lie to you and say that I haven't wondered about this, but I don't think she is cheating on me with him.

I absolutely agree with you that she shouldn't make plans if she's going to break them! That's what we've fought about for most of the summer, except that things always come up that are out of her control. We'll make plans to go out for the evening and she'll have to break them because her family makes her come along and do something with them or won't let her come out because it's too late. Things like that have kept us apart.

I'm not sure if things are falling apart because she's losing interest in me, or if she's just behaving strange because she's under a lot of pressure. I can only imagine how difficult it would be to get pregnant, abort your child, fight with your boyfriend for most of the summer, find out your sister is cutting herself, and then find out that your mother has breast cancer. That's some deep emotions and I'm not sure how to react to her behavior towards me because of these things.

She obviously isn't showing optimal interest, but at the same time I'm not sure if it's because she's a wreck right now or if it's because she's low in interest towards me. Any ideas?

 

[Phyzzle]

We'll make plans to go out for the evening and she'll have to break them because her family makes her come along and do something with them or won't let her come out because it's too late.

Her family was making these demands before this summer, but you know what she was doing? She was giving her parents some BS excuse about school or practice so she could be with you!

Yeah, that abortion was a killer. (oops! I mean interest killer!) At least she didn't dump you for being unnattractive or a chump. But when a girl's family is on the fritz, she spends more time with her bf, not less.

Dump her pre-emptively. When she whines, say, "if being with me helped you cope with your problems, you would be with me non-stop. But the more emotional pain you have, the less time you want with me. Clearly, I AM NOT HELPING WITH YOUR PROBLEMS. You need to work them out yourself. Call me then, and maybe I'll be single at that time."

She obviously isn't showing optimal interest, but at the same time I'm not sure if it's because she's a wreck right now or if it's because she's low in interest towards me. Any ideas?

If she's an uninterested wreck, then that's how it is. It's not your fault it's over, but it's over. Dump her and only take her back ON YOUR TERMS (FB).
~Phyzzle

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Yeah, and the abortion thing doesn't help at all. Maybe she thinks it's murder, maybe not, but when that happened you guys both lost something. Not just the child. Something else.

 

[Ace of Flames]

A baby represents the connection between a man and a woman. Its the physical manifestation of their love for each other. At least, it is when its wanted. Maybe, by aborting the baby, you aborted your connection. Its certainly a strain on your relationship, by any means.

If you guys actually work through ALL this stuff, I'd be pretty amazed. I can't see it lasting if it keeps going at this rate. Unless she just flips her attitude all of a sudden, don't hold too much hope for this one.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

A baby represents the connection between a man and a woman. Its the physical manifestation of their love for each other. At least, it is when its wanted. Maybe, by aborting the baby, you aborted your connection. Its certainly a strain on your relationship, by any means.

Yeah I'm pretty sure that's it. That's what I wanted to say earlier but was too lazy to articulate it. Thanks!

 

[Delta]

the one experience that i've had with going out with a woman is that when they've checked out of a relationship, they won't come right out and BREAK UP with you... even if that's what they're thinking.

my girl just distanced herself and became cold to the point where I popped and escalated an argument into breakup.

i think that was my mistake. i gave her an easy way out... the way that she was seeking.

don't push for more than she's willing to give for certain (drive her further faster) but don't let her trap you into giving her an easy way out either though.

MAKE HER BREAK UP WITH YOU if that's what she wants. make the ho say no.

do the things that you would do if you're together. go out... stuff like that. and don't let her push your buttons. don't you go ballistic on her. make the ho say no. especially as it pertains to the physical relationship, she can only put you off for so long before it comes to a head for you AND HER.

that's worst case scenario however.

hopefully, you two will be able to weather it out though.

luck

delta

 

[Ace of Flames]

^Screw that. I'm not gonna waste time waiting for such an indecisive creature as a woman to finally get her sh*t together and say what she wants to say, which will never happen, when I could be moved on already and finding my next opportunity. That's just fear of breaking it off yourself. Be a man and just end it. Sit her down and tell it to her straight. No need to escalate into an argument or anything. Isn't it what you both want anyway?

Now that I think about it, that sounds like some kind of sick revenge on women. Are you letting your AFC days haunt you or something? Remember, its not the girl's fault that you weren't man enough for her back then. Hopefully you're better at this now, so just forget all that and go get a girl.

Don't hold any grudges. That's what women do.

 

[Delta]

sick revenge... ? maybe....

but as a man, that's a pretty fd up thing to do in my opinion - very passive agressive - instead of having the courage to just tell you, they try to sabotage it and scuttle it and push the responsibility on the guy making it doubly painful.

i'm getting to think that may indeed be the nature of women, but it's pretty fd up.

kinda like a guy becoming an unabashed ahole in order to make the girl breakup with him.

it generates a lot of pain unnecessarily and ruins everything you had, even the good times. cowardly and selfish.

but i concede. you're probably right and my head's not in a good place about it.

delta

p.s. i detect a hint of mysogyny "such an indecisive creature as a woman" "getting her sh!t together" "which will never happen anyway"... but thanks for that. it gives me some perspective and helps me soothe myself some... (errr, wasn't that long ago actually...)

 

[Phyzzle]

I'm not gonna waste time waiting for such an indecisive creature as a woman to finally get her sh*t together and say what she wants to say

I'm with that. One girlfriend of made stupid complaints about nothing until I said "are you just complaining about stupid stuff to start a fight so you can feel less guilty about breaking up?"
After a few moments of shock, "Umm, I don't know . . .?"
"I'll take that as a yes."

Delta, if you try to get a woman to say "I'm not interested," she's not gonna give in, she's gonna dissapear and turn off the phone.

do the things that you would do if you're together. go out...

Impossible. She'll have excuses at hand. The ho will not say no. It's some sort of deep-seated fear.

 

[DonJuanByNature]

Listen man.. I just came back from vegas and man, I was getting as.s everynight, ESPECIALLY as.s from girls with boyfriends... listen I dont want you to get paranoid.. but lets be honest here, she goes to SIN CITY and doesnt call you for a few days... dude... here are two advices I will give you...

1)NEXT HER, I am sorry man, but its obvious she just not that into you anymore, find new girls... Listen there is life after a LTR lol.. there are others, and you will be happy again....

2)now, if you actually want to save the relationship, then you can do this,
NEXT HER.... what? did I just say the same thing I said in 1)... yes man.. Next her.. meaning start seeing other people and try to stop carrying, that is your only chance, cause look how your a puppy running after her,... if you start moving on, and if she "really" cares about you, she will feel what your feeling right now and come after you....

point is... your not a challenge anymore... her interest level dropped... by nexting her, you will again become a challenge and you will again regain her interest (if not too late) ... yes... thats life.. you should have used mental abuse in your reportroir and prevented this from happening in first place lol
good luck

 

[Ace of Flames]

Ok uh... I have no idea what "mysogyny" means, or how you managed to spell it right. What a weird word.

I just said those things because they're true. Women are snakes. Ever seen two women mad at each other? They don't throw hands (usually), they just make snide little comments and get under each other's skin bit by bit. Its like poison. And the worst thing is, the whole time, they act like friends. F'd up, but true.

Women are very subtle about everything. That's why you can't just say, "I wanna screw you, sexy thang!" and expect her to agree to it. Girls like the fact that you took the time to understand the way they communicate - subtly - and that you can also speak subtly yourself. They'll appreciate it and be much more open to further relations.

On-topic, women just can't make up their minds about these kinds of things quickly. They wanna stick around and use you to feed their ego, but they also can't stand you. It sucks. Why stay in something like that when you have the clear-cut choice to just say forget this? I don't see any upside unless you're masochist (sp?).

About your past relationship or whatever problem it was, hey man, no worries. Things are already getting better! You just said that you realize it isn't good to obsess about it. And you've got us! This place is like the best support team you can get. So no worries, k? Take that to heart.

 

[Delta]

thanks guys,

i really did get an unexpected education on this thread.

("masochist" spelling is right on...

as for "mysogyny" i think it is telling that there is indeed a word made just for it!)

for me, such behavior is fine and maybe even expected after a few dates... no problemo... but i was shocked to have it happen after we've been going out for months.

and now, as a way to turn this back to finch though, what about his situation? he's been going out with his girl for a year and half... do you guys read his situation the same way?

delta

 

[Finch]

Someone mentioned that she might be cheating on me in Vegas? I don't think that's possible. She's been with her family there the entire time and if you understood her family like I do then you would know that it's a fat chance in hell that she actually was able to get away from them long enough to hook up with another guy.

You all very well might be right that I should break up with her. I never imagined that we'd get to this point because we've done so well in the past. The past 2 months or so haven't been the ideal relationship though.

I'm going to play it cool and hopefully she's just dealing with all this stress of her mother, the abortion, her sister, etc. I'm not going to barrage her with questions and demands and we'll see what happens from there. If she isn't reponsive then I'll have to break up with her, if she doesn't already have it planned out anyway.

 

[Delta]

that's the other thing, in your particular circumstance, there are a LOT of extenuating circumstances. she's got SO much trauma in her life.

yah, maybe just tell her you're there for her and give her space?

anyway, i really hope it works out man.

delta

 

[speed dawg]

I'm going to play it cool and hopefully she's just dealing with all this stress of her mother, the abortion, her sister, etc. I'm not going to barrage her with questions and demands and we'll see what happens from there. If she isn't reponsive then I'll have to break up with her, if she doesn't already have it planned out anyway.

Don't do this. Break up with her. Tell her you think it's not right anymore and that the relationship isn't making you happy. Then DON'T CONTACT HER for at least a week. See if she comes to you. If you dump her and then answer her calls the next day, she loses even more respect for you. Personally, from I read, you're sunk. Plus, the abortion just negates any other potential. All that crap with her family is a convenient excuse. DON'T THINK YOU ARE DIFFERENT. THIS TYPE OF PHENOMENA IS A VERY COMMON, ALMOST PREDICTABLE, TECHNIQUE GIRLS USE.

BTW, we need more background about the relationship. But, from what I've read, it's over. Actions, not words, my friend. Tough rocks, pal, I've been there too...

 

[jigga23]

Im going to tell you whats happening and whats going to happen. Dude i was in the same exact position as you. I was living with her also and with her 1.5 yrs. She started becoming very distant then she went on vacation. She barley called me. Called me every other day or so. Then she got mad at the dumbest things. She decided to stay an extra night and didnt even fvckin call me to tell me.I had to call her to find out. On top of that she told me over the phone that we have to break up and then hung up the phone. Then when she got back she didnt even have me pick her up from the airport. When she got back we talked and sh!t. I fvcked her and it seemed like she fvcked someone else cause her pvssy wasn't tight. then I was like fvck it you want you got it. I started packing up my sh!t and she would always stop me.

A week or so went by. We went to the bar. We were both drunk and i busted out to her "do you wanna marry me" and she said yes "but you better propose in a cute way." two days later i got fired from my job because of some bs. Then that was the easy way out for her. A couple of days later she started acting cold, etc. I wanted to talk to her about it but she decided to go out with her friends instead. so when she went out I packed my sh!t took the dog and left.

We didnt talk for about 2 days. Then i was like fvck it. She started calling me complaining about sh!t and wanting to see me. We fvcked and everything. Of course dumb old me was there for her. Eventually we stopped talking. Now and then we talk but i usually call her cause she has my sh!t. Actually shes finally coming over today to drop of my sh!t. On the phone i asked her to come eat. she said ok but when she comes over im going to tell her no and say i got a date i have to go to. shell get jealous. revenge is a b!tch.

Moral of the story is your gf wants to pull the trigger but she can't. So either you decide what you want and pull the trigger and end it or really distance yourself and not say sh!t if you want her back. It never fails. shell call you trust me.