DJs on Jealousy and dating: what's the limit?

[pipe007]

Helly fellow DJs
before I ask my question I have to mention that I can summarize the DJ attitude as
" having character, strength, willingness to walk away, not tolerate second class behavior, having your own path, and staying on your path, having her accomodate herself to your reality, and drop her like a bad habit if she doesnt comply with your dominant, leader position, drop her if she doesnt treat you well as if you were a king in her life."

knowing this... I just dumped the last girl i was talking to couple weeks ago because of disrespect.... I'm putting myself together, and before I get out there in the dating scene again I wanna learn to handle myself around her "guy friends" and the rules around it

what is normal and what is not normal? where is the limit? where do you set the boundaries and let them know that is disrespectful? where do you walk away? while still maintaining power and not comming off as insecure or AFC or JEALOUS???

since those are major turn offs... its a paradox, we are not supposed to be jealous or controlling, but when do they cross the line to the point were we gotta put our foot down and make a decision?

say, the girl, has many guy friends, and goes out with them a lot, I assume these are red flags, in the future I think I will not date women that have many guy friends, or dont have girl friends.

the last girl I dated, she had this guy friend, that usually went to her house, she said he was just her friend, and that she knows him for 2 years, and that nothing could ever happen there... I mentioned him because i found it unusual....

I invited her to a party, she didnt wanna go, she was supposed to stay home doing some powerpoints.. fine, she is like " you can go" its ok
so i went to the party..... and i call her like at 12:30 AM, and Im like what you up to? (again this is the girl I've been dating officially for 4 months)
she says, nothing im talking to (guy friend),
im like "is he at your house"? she is like " yea, we went for a walk at the park"

I hanged up, I didnt show it but i was pissed, i found that disrespectful, and i wanna know if i overreacted..... ok walking in a park with a guy friend on a frideay night is weird,,, and she didnt wanna go out with me that night

so is that enough reason to bring it up and put your foot down?? or would you guys just drop her and walk away?? or not even mention it?? what would experienced DJs do with these situatinos??

she called me and she was like,, are you mad?? we are just talking in the park,,, you can pass by if you want....

is that crossing the line? how should I react in the future?

 

[pipe007]

reason I ended it with her because of this guy, was because she was always talking about him, and he usually called her, a previous week, she went dancing with her friends, so I wasa ok with it , because im not jealous over it, but she didnt invite me, and I found out that guy was there, and that they danced a lootttt of songs......

enough for me. how about you guys?

 

[Ease]

The line between jealousy and disrespect is tough to see and is common cause for problems, ill try to drop some knowledge to help:

The first key thing is, Indifference.

Never give a reaction to anything. A reaction means any emotion, getting pissed, getting hurt, getting affected by it in any way. Even if you are affected by it, DONT SHOW IT. Cannot stress this enough, do not show any reaction to jealousy situations. Indifference means completely unnaffected and showing no care.

Second key principle to apply is, do back the same as she does to you.

They get more jealous than we do, it affects them more than it does us. When a situation like this arises, simply lay the situation back to her. It helps keep boundaries in your head and stops you from losing your mind. Sometimes you cant control the situation, and trying to change it would be AFC and insecure, so reframe.

She goes on walks with her guy friend? Go on walks with a friend of your own. Who she goes on walks with is none of your business, but if she uses it to make you jealous then simply go on some walks with your own friends. She asks you why you're going on midnight strolls with your friend, say 'so what, you're allowed to go on walks but im not? i think someone is jealous..' in a patronizing manner.

She wants to go clubbing and then dances with her guy friend? Ok, she can dance with her guy friend, you're the one she's ****ing so who cares about who she dances with. But obviously you are no chump to sit around while your girl dances with her guy friend, so go out and roam free in clubs with your friends. Free pass for whatever, who here wouldnt love that? She asks you what you did, tell her you danced with some girls, leave out the part where you made out with them obviously

^If this happens more than once, or you get the feeling that something is actually going on then refer to next point:

She wants to sleep over at her guy friends house? You say 'What the ****?', and unless she apologizes and shuts her mouth you dump the slut. Now that would be crossing the line.

However, repeated mentioning of certain guys is a red flag. It requires an extra strong mind frame to battle through that situation. You probably did the right thing anyway, she seems way too close with the guy. Not worth the effort, but id say you got way too jealous and insecure over the situation.

 

[PlaysToWin]

Nah, I don't think you overreacted. In your shoes I'd probably ditch her as well.

 

[pipe007]

so non reactiveness is key...
no matter how messed up the situation,,, we are to never show emotion, or anger..... we never put our foot down.... unless we can tell something is really going on???

what if you are in a LTR, and she is acting this way, and you just dont feel like doing this little revenge tactics back to her.... you are just like concerned on why she has to hang out with this close guy friend constantly??

do you guys allow your GFs to hang out with guy friends, constantly?
whats the limit?

 

[pipe007]

ESPI, so you would never think of having a GF, and just dedicating your time to one girl,,, unless she messes up?, what if thats my case, and eventually I want to find one girl to spend time with

 

[Veridin]

pipe007, that was disrespectful of her. You are dating her and she has another guy over in the middle of the night.

Girls with guy friends insist that you are "stupid and old-fashioned" if you say their guy friends want to have sex with them. "Some guys are not that shallow!"

It is not shallowness; why shouldn't we want to have sex with an attractive girl? But these guy friends are something worse than shallow, they are pathetic, for pretending to be friends while hoping the girl will slip them something more.


Show of hands: how many here would be just friends with an attractive girl, without hoping that she will have sex with you? Because you find her thoughts and talk so, so stimulating that sex doesn't come to mind at all? How many think your great intellectual conversations would be debased by dirty, chauvinist sex?

No one? Shocking.

So who is the stupid one, a guy who doesn't want the girl he is dating to have guy "friends," knowing they keep close to her in the hope of getting into her pants, or the girl who doesn't understand basic human biology?

 

[pipe007]

yea in my bigger view of things,, i found that VERY disrespectful, and like a slap to the face!!...

got rid of her for good.... I have no regrets.

in the future I wouldnt allow it either, she can have guy friends all right, and she can go out with them at night, walk all she wants,,,, however,,, i wont be around anymore.... I dont want that in my life....

 

[Re-ac-tor]

Veridin - x2.

Drop her.

 

[Confused]

Is it possible to find an attractive girl in this day an age who doesn't have loads of guy friends? Women like attention they get hit on all the time and I think its disrespectful that they give their numbera out to guys they meet in a cafe knowing full well the guys are interested in them even if their game is relatively weak and nervous. There's too much disrespect in general. I've been out with at least 100 girls and I'm yet to find an attractive girl who doesn't have these sorts of male friends around them waiting for a chance with her.

 

[pipe007]

I respect all answers, and the answer to my question I guess depends on the reality and the perspective you have on things.

ESPI, you come from abundance mentality, and I see why having many women in your life helps you to remain mentally strong.

In the future Im about to hit the field and date several women at the same time in order to find the one that has the qualities I want, and then keep her if she proves herself worthy.

this girl had lots of guy friends, some of them picked her up to take her to school, and she told me, and I never cared about it, never questioned it.... I quite frankly didnt care what she did with them during the day or evenings.... its just that IN MY REALITY AND IN MY WORLD..... what I've been taught, if she wants to have walks around the lake with a male friend at 1:00 AM, then she can do it...... thas ok

BUT I WONT TOLERATE THAT: to me is disrespect, if we are dating. she is out.

 

[Veridin]

Who cares if she has friends? What difference does it make? Don't even bother worrying about her friends.

What difference does it make if she spends time with other men than her boyfriend/husband? Maybe that is all right with you - okay. Me, I would never accept it. And for all the talk about "all women have male friends today," I have yet to come across a single case where a girlfriend has gone out with male friends. None of my friends have that kind of girlfriend, and I have never had it either.

Every girlfriend I have had has understood how wrong that would be, and I can't imagine my friends' girlfriends thinking anything different. They have brains. It has to be a really stupid girl not to understand this issue. Male orbiters when a girl is single, okay. When she is in a relationship, absolutely not. We may live in "modern" times, but I have yet to see proof that streetlights, penicillin and airplanes would somehow blow away human nature.

 

[Ease]

What difference does it make if she spends time with other men than her boyfriend/husband? Maybe that is all right with you - okay. Me, I would never accept it. And for all the talk about "all women have male friends today," I have yet to come across a single case where a girlfriend has gone out with male friends. None of my friends have that kind of girlfriend, and I have never had it either.

Every girlfriend I have had has understood how wrong that would be, and I can't imagine my friends' girlfriends thinking anything different. They have brains. It has to be a really stupid girl not to understand this issue. Male orbiters when a girl is single, okay. When she is in a relationship, absolutely not. We may live in "modern" times, but I have yet to see proof that streetlights, penicillin and airplanes would somehow blow away human nature.

Ok, ill give you an example from my own life.

My GF of ~6 months and I are on msn. She copies a text to me from her conversation with another guy. The guy's asking for her facebook etc. and tells her that she is 'lovely looking'.

How would you have replied?

 

[kingy]

generally be fine with it. even tease. "aww sounds romantic ;-)" she'll keep attraction and be fine with it. In the situation of random guys going round my birds house I would end the relationship PERIOD. Maybe its fine and innocent but its just not something I want to put up with, I dont do it so neither should she.

The boundary is usually would she be fine if you did the same thing or if its not in public. A public coffee is fine but if she going round mens houses that crosses my boundaries. If im banging other girls then of course I dont care, if im not then I do.

 

[pipe007]

thanks guys

I made the right decision on dropping her for good.

IN the future I MUST work on being unreactive and indifferent to her having guy friends around, so next I hear something like "im here walking around the lake with X" late at night..... when she did'nt want to go out with me that day.

i can go " aww, thas really romantic, you guys actually look cute together." gotta go peaceee!!!

and that would be the end lol

I still would not see myself putting up with that behavior.

 

[Ease]

I wouldn't reply.

I'm sure that your GF is beautiful, but her copying the text of the admirer's remarks implies that she can expect you to report your womanly remarks, both given and received. Careful. Women are lovely, but they can entangle you in their intricate webs.

My reply was ''

It was a sh*t test, to see if i was jealous. And to make herself appear more desirable and attractive to me. A bit like social proofing in DHV stories.

Let her roam free, she'll come back to you. There was a good thread about jealousy very recently. Look for it.

 

[Weezy]

pipe007,

You didn't act out of line

Indifference is the key to many situations, however there are limits to indifference.

Indifference in the face of blatant disrespect? I would say that leads her to believe she can get away with whatever she wants.

The real issue here isn't how you handled the situation, it's the character of the girl your with. If it was just a sh1t test, then that sh1t test crossed the line. Your chick inviting this friend over to go on a walk and talk and then just chill at her house is 1 step away from her nexting you.

Walk.

 

[pipe007]

thanks Weezy

that is exactly how I think...
Appreciate all responses.

 

[Jaux]

What the hell..?

You guys are scaring me.

I myself have plenty of female friends and no, I have neither made out with them nor had sex with them. One of them has a boyfriend, does that bother me? No it doesn't because he's my friend. Do I sleep over at her place from time to time? Yes I do. Do I sleep in her bed beside her? Yes I do.

Does her boyfriend complain? I don't think so. I get to know him too. We can hang out. He knows of our relationship and that we wouldn't do more than cuddling anyhow.

Of course I am attracted to them, they're girls right? I just don't let the attraction control me. I embrace it instead. And they're fun to go out with, ever heard of pivots?

- - - -

My point is that women may and will have guy friends that are not a threat. I am completely schocked by this thread and will for sure think about this in the future, I don't know how to approach this yet as I find all of your attitudes extremely weird. I don't see why females can't have friends? It's utterly absurd.

As someone said: Indifference is key. If someone is hitting on my girl, I let them. Then I go ask her what he said in an interested and positive way and we'll both have a good laugh about it.

Jealousy is one of the worst feelings, but try to be indifferent anyhow.

EDIT:
Haha it might sound as tough I am offended and actually on some level I am as I find that I've been on the friend side as well. And I can see that some of you haven't by the way you interpret friendship as a failure of getting the girl in question.

 

[CarlitosWay]

You guys are scaring me.

I myself have plenty of female friends and no, I have neither made out with them nor had sex with them. One of them has a boyfriend, does that bother me? No it doesn't because he's my friend. Do I sleep over at her place from time to time? Yes I do. Do I sleep in her bed beside her? Yes I do.

Does her boyfriend complain? I don't think so. I get to know him too. We can hang out. He knows of our relationship and that we wouldn't do more than cuddling anyhow.

Of course I am attracted to them, they're girls right? I just don't let the attraction control me. I embrace it instead. And they're fun to go out with, ever heard of pivots?

- - - -

My point is that women may and will have guy friends that are not a threat. I am completely schocked by this thread and will for sure think about this in the future, I don't know how to approach this yet as I find all of your attitudes extremely weird. I don't see why females can't have friends? It's utterly absurd.

As someone said: Indifference is key. If someone is hitting on my girl, I let them. Then I go ask her what he said in an interested and positive way and we'll both have a good laugh about it.

Jealousy is one of the worst feelings, but try to be indifferent anyhow.

EDIT:
Haha it might sound as tough I am offended and actually on some level I am as I find that I've been on the friend side as well. And I can see that some of you haven't by the way you interpret friendship as a failure of getting the girl in question.

You could be an exception to the rule. Realistically speaking most have something else going on and you can't deny this !!! For example. This girl I've been going out with the past month or so. She has a friend who she's been very close with. Well guess what happened the night we and some other people drank and I was the one that was in her room passionately kissing her? He flipped the **** out and threw an AFC tantrum pretty much ruining my night+hers. Cause 1) He thought he could be more then friends some day and 2)Some one out of no where came and conquered!! F****kin up his little fantasy world!