DJing for keeps (How to land the one I picked?)

[Jeffy]

Ok, I'm an older DJ than most people here, I'm 29, and I'm looking to settle down. Don't tell me that that's not a DJ thing to look for 'cause it's my decision to make. I've gotten lots of ass, that isn't what I need right now.

I have the girl in mind. I DJed her 8 years ago. She was a 9.5 and she's still at least a 9-9.5. She always will be. I was her first, and I broke her heart. I haven't seen her around town too much, but I know she's around, I have a general idea of the part of the city she lives and hangs out, but whenever I wander around there recently, I've never caught sight of her.

I figured, in 8 years, she'd probably moved on, but about a year and a half ago her father ran into my brother and told him that although he likes me, he wants to keep his girl away from me so that I don't hurt her. I figure, this is a good sign - her dad must think she's still into me. Her dad could be wrong, they're not that close, but then again, he could be dead-on.

Her dad and I used to be good buddies. I've passed him in the street, and he purposefully avoided eye contact so I couldn't say hello.

So there it is. When I dumped her (for another girl- mistake!!) she told me to never talk to her again and a few months later I tried and she shot me down saying I only wanted to sleep with her. Then about a year and a half after that I sent her an email, just a short one, and she never replied (she may have never have got it for all I know.) I guess her family and her just think I would want to use her for sex and dump her again, but I can't forget about her. I seriously think I could settle down with this one, although I'd have to spend more time with her now and make sure she's still the same girl as she was back then.

So? How do I approach this? I get the feeling if I had an opportunity to get into her life she would be mine (hey, it's worth a shot), but I don't have any ideas how to even find her, since for some reason I never, ever seem to find her around where I think she would be hanging out.

And, if I do bump into her, what do I say, after 8 years of silence and getting iced by her dad? Hell, she could be married for all I know. What's my strategy?

 

[SELF-MASTERY]

How good are you at making apologies??? Your doing the male version of a chick using a guy as an emotional tampon. You had her dumped her, now 8 years later she is expected to forget how shi**y you treated her. Good luck

 

[Ricky]

You know what. 90% of the people on this board will tell you to forgot her, you have no chance, whatever.

But never underestimate the power of sentimental behavior.

It happens sometimes, high school sweethearts meet again. They've both been divorced and get back together.

Heres my 2 cents.

1) The sappiness factor is obvious. However displaying AFC behavior is probably not what attracted her in the beginning so why would it work now. Make sure no matter how you feel inside that you stay strong and confident and stay in control and are a challenge.

2) Make sure your life now looks great and she would be a great addition, not the big mistake you made earlier.

3) Go for it congruently and without doubt.

I have been reading these boards for 2 or 3 years and a sense of certainty and belief can be a guys greatest ally.

You know if I had to breakdown alot of my pickups, this concept of active disinterest comes up. I kept the initial convo simple and had fun with it. I kept the girl guessing whether I liked her or not.

And more times than not, I ended up with her.

When I was too obvious or sappy or downright AFC like I"ve been in my recent breakup, it didn't work.

I want my most recent ex back, my other ex wants me back and here I am twiddling my thumbs (or worse).

SO GO FOR IT.

 

[Jeffy]

Anyone have any tips for how I should act and what I should say to her when I bump into her?

Excited and happy?

Coy and aloof?

Apologetic and gentle?

These can all be done with an air of self confidence.

(And for the record, I didn't treat her like sh** when we were together, we had good times. I just hurt her the way I dumped her.)

 

[NewMan]

Be happy to see her.

Smile, be warm and approach with a hearty hug.

do not ask her whether she's weeing someone etc.... but be interested in what she is doing with her life - how she has been etc.

Be upbeat of course - If she asks about you - tell her things are doing well - be energetic, engaging etc etc etc.

Then tell her that you'd love to catch up with her over coffee....

 

[Slickster]

Seeing how you plan on getting her back apologizing right away might not be the right way to go. I like Newman's advice. There will come a time though where you probably will have to say sorry.

You know I've been in this situation too. And I still am although I don't have the plans on getting her back like you.
I hurt an ex quite badly and she's never wanted anything to do with me since. She was a special girl and I have always felt badly about the way things ended.

If I were to run into her today I would tell her just that.

Maybe something along the lines of.....

After some small talk then maybe slip in, "You know it was great seeing you again. I know it was a long time ago and it probably doesn't mean much to you anymore but I've always wanted to apologize for the way I messed things up between us. I was a fool and I'm truly sorry."

From there I would just walk.

In your case it might be best to let the apology stew for awhile too. Then hopefully run into her again start anew.

To me it seems like it would be extemely difficult to achieve more than that in your first reunion.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

[Hellboy]

People change a lot on 8 years. How can you be sure that you guys will click the way you did back then? You can't. And it's unlikely to be the case!

Even worse, I have found from experience that once you break a girl's heart she will never truly forgive you. Not to the extent that you're able to hurt her that way again. And especially not once she's had time to "get over you" and rationalise her resentment.

You'll be lucky to get a 'hello'! Even if you do get near her, consider the possibiliy of a revenge ploy. I guarantee you're setting yourself up for failure; quit while you're ahead!

 

[Crank_It_Up]

go for it, what have you got to lose? No matter what the outcome, you won't have to wonder for the rest of your life, what if?

 

[Jeffy]

Thanks for the great advice everyone. I will start with the upbeat and friendly and assuming she doesn't blow me off I'll move into an apology if there seems like an appropriate moment.

I wanted to apologize to her anyways (just in itself) because I do feel guilty that I hurt her that badly honestly at the time I thought she would get over it (and me) in no time.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

This is going to be good. Let us know how it goes.

 

[SELF-MASTERY]

I hope this works out for you. It will be proof that women will accept anything, even vinegar disguised as honey.

 

[Aztec]

Originally posted by Jeffy
Anyone have any tips for how I should act and what I should say to her when I bump into her?

Excited and happy?

Coy and aloof?

Apologetic and gentle?

These can all be done with an air of self confidence.

(And for the record, I didn't treat her like sh** when we were together, we had good times. I just hurt her the way I dumped her.)

Be excited to see her. Force yourself not to apologize (yet) even though you are compelled to. It has been that long and people change. You never know.

 

[Oblivious]

You dumped her for another girl? After 8 years she may have gotten over it. Most times us women don't neccessarily forget about things liek that. An apology would do but it is highly likely that she hates your guts to this day and would like nothing for you to do but kick rocks. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

 

[Tboner]

Jeffy,

>I broke her heart

I had mine broken first at age 26 back in my AFC days. The last time was what led me to seduction sites. I realize it was because I mistakenly linked my happiness to someone else, instead of being completely responsible for it myself. I don't hold anything against these women because I see it as an opportunity for personal growth.

>When I dumped her

Is this the only woman that you did this to or the first or the only one you feel guilty about?

>a few months later I tried and she shot me down saying I only wanted to sleep with her.

You did her a big favor here by giving her control over the breakup. This is the point where she reframed it, so she could feel better about herself by rejecting you.

>Then about a year and a half after that I sent her an email, just a short one, and she never replied

If she was as hung up on you as you are on her, she would have found you long ago.

>but I can't forget about her.

This is a serious problem.

>I seriously think I could settle down with this one

You don't really know her anymore.

>make sure she's still the same girl as she was back then.

She's not. Like wine, memories become better with age.

>I get the feeling if I had an opportunity to get into her life she would be mine

Not likely, unless she's been living in a fantasy world for the last 8 years awaiting your return or she's in a bad relationship and needs a reason to get out.

>but I don't have any ideas how to even find her,

If she's in the US, you can find her unless she's a master at laying low (false name & SSNO). Make friends with a cop, he/she can find out in minutes.

>I wanted to apologize to her anyways (just in itself) because I do feel guilty

I think your guilt is the root of the problem. If you must appologize, just write a letter to her, put it in an envelope, seal it and throw it in the trash. I read about this and tried it, it actually works.

>I'm looking to settle down.

If that's what you want, go for it. Use what you've learned with all the women you've met to develop screens for the qualities you want in a woman.

 

[Junior Sanz]

great advice here.... i must say, i like the way Tboner breaks it down....

now for my .02 cents....

this girl gave herself to me for the first time and being that i was in my prime back then, i took it for granted and peaced her out a week later.... (i was big pimpin it back then, i didnt have a worry in the world)

2 yrs go by and we bump into each other again. now the tables are turned. she 10X's hotter and now i want to get back with her.

so we hang out for about 3 weeks....hooking up here and there.... next thing you know, she just bounces on me, stood me up, and her friend has to be the one to tell me that she doesnt want to see me anymore. (same thing i did to her 2 yrs prior, i had a friend tell her i wasnt interested anymore)

i was pretty pissed. "what goes around, comes around" really show and proved...... Since then i truly believe in Karma.....


so your chances are slim here kid.... remember, guys forgive and forget.... but chics hold onto things for a lifetime.

the only way you have a chance is if she still has deep feelings for you.... but you said 8yrs? doubt it bro! keep it moving! trust me i thought i found the girl of my dreams when i was 18 until the next one came along.....

 

[GregMan]

give it one more shot. often, persistence pays off. if she gives into you even a little, you still have a chance. but if she blows you off repetatively, like not returning your phone calls and whatnot, give up.

if you do weasle your way back into her life, be prepared for a long and hard game of trying to win back her trust. she'll test you, check up on you. you've got to be prepared for this and be mr. trustworthy to the extreme and constantly reassure her. i hope she's worth getting into this for.

on the other hand, if it doesn't work out, you've got to let it go. convince yourself she's not right for you, because you'll never be truly open to meetin gsomeone great until you let this one go.