DJing, blindness and cynicism

[Jariel]

When I came to this board I never needed or wanted help on getting laid; I had my goals set on finding a long term, loving relationship.

I've taken a lot from these boards and can now attract, seduce and handle women with ease. I'm attracting a lot of women and I'm never short of dates, yet I've failed to find the LTR I've been seeking.

I recently ignored some very valuable advice from my friend because it didn't fit the DJ dogma. She told me if I want a relationship, I need to start showing more affection and emotion because my "coolness" is very offputting to women who want relationships.

Of course, I figured I knew better! I told her it was nonsense and that women have always thrown affection in my face. Besides, emotion is for pvssies, right???

Well actually, it takes balls to show emotion and this is something a lot of DJs are lacking. Sure, we may have the courage to approach and face rejection, yet so many of us fear emotional attachment/oneitis to the point where we would sooner opt for meaningless sex than pursue a deep and emotionally fulfilling relationship.

I realised recently that my friend is right. It's not my lack of DJ skills or pick up lines that is stopping me from meeting the right woman - it's my cynicism. I've come to view all women as potential b1tches. Maybe I've even dated my perfect partner recently, but have been too blind to see her.

I guess what I'm trying to say is to be careful that you're not being desensitized by your DJing pursuits and/or by previous bad experiences with women. I'm reading some posts lately by guys who have started to feel cold and devoid of passion and I have been feeling this way for some time too.

I remember the days when I'd feel overjoyed after a successful series of dates. It was new and exciting, I couldn't sleep and couldn't wait to see her again. There's no feeling like it! Yet now, it feels so strategic that dating has become a chore!

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Good post. It lends itself as proof that one can easily overshoot his target if he doesn't determine what is his target.

A lot of guys feel that their objective is to meet a lot of women and to be successful with them. But have they determined exactly what they deem as successful? Probably not.

Be it to enhance your social skills, to bed a bunch of women, to find a LTR, whatever; it makes a huge difference to know exactly what your goal may be. It will also make it easier to determine which means would be most beneficial to get there.

 

[Jariel]

Originally posted by Francisco d'Anconia
Be it to enhance your social skills, to bed a bunch of women, to find a LTR, whatever; it makes a huge difference to know exactly what your goal may be. It will also make it easier to determine which means would be most beneficial to get there.

Right on the mark. "DJing" is a very loose term and I got caught up with everything it entails without really focusing on my original reason for being here. A lot of the advice on this board is very good, but a lot of it will not help you reach your personal goal and may even impede it.

Personally, I have come to notice that I've become very good at attracting and seducing women on a physical level, yet it seems that I'm generally not perceived as LTR material.

 

[Climax]

Jariel said:

Personally, I have come to notice that I've become very good at attracting and seducing women on a physical level, yet it seems that I'm generally not perceived as LTR material.

If you find the right girl, and have the willpower to change, then it is easily possible!

Laterz...

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by Jariel
Personally, I have come to notice that I've become very good at attracting and seducing women on a physical level, yet it seems that I'm generally not perceived as LTR material.

I'm not one who's into seduction in that I don't focus a ton of effort on any one woman. I basically have an even flow with all the women I come across, no heavy sarging what so ever.

Since I'm not going after any particular women hard and heavy, the women I encounter see me as an available 'good guy.' My problem is that they are all nice women but none of them interest me enough to see the any more than a couple of times a month and they want a LTR.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by ~ªêQµïTª$~
Jariel said:



If you find the right girl, and have the willpower to change, then it is easily possible!

Laterz...

If I come across the right girl, commitment will be as easy as taking a breath. The type of woman I'm looking for a guy would be an idiot to pass up.

 

[Matt Rogers]

I don't think it is a commitment problem Jariel is talking about. More that once you have developed mastery over your emotions, and the ability to seduce women, women don't tend to view you as relationship potential. Perhaps because they feel they can control you, and while they find that exciting and attractive, do not think of you as relationship material for that very reason.

Why do you think AFCs are always locked into long term virtual marriages? Because they are controllable. DJs are unpredicatable and women don't think they can trust them.

In a relationship trust is very important. If you come across as a player, women will be attracted but won't trust you. Similarly affection is very important. While DJing is all about hiding your interest and emotional involvement (i.e. not falling in love) in a relationship this has to happen at some point.

I think the secret is to be a DJ and then "fall in love with her"-so she feels she has captured you

 

[Jariel]

Matt Rogers: I think you hit the nail on the head, so to speak. I actually seem to have a reputation as a player among a lot of people. I even have guys hang out with me because they think I'm going to help them get in on some action. Yet this is all wrong...I'm completely the opposite.

During conversations with women these days, I've started picking up hints and notice them letting me know they're up for a bit of casual fun. And after a recent date a woman brushed off because we had nothing in common, then contacted me 2 days later to see if I wanted to "hook up. no strings attached". Yet I'm not seeing a single prospect of a relationship.

The strange thing is, as an AFC, I used to be extremely skilled in creating rapport with people and I used to leave many dates thinking I was her soul mate. I have somehow lost all this by becoming cool and disconnected.

 

[Matt Rogers]

Mmm. Good points Jariel. I think women tend to classify guys into three categories: player/sexy material, relationship material, and don't want to know.

If you are confident, good looking and experienced with women (which you are) then women automatically assume you are a player even if you aren't. Many are very insecure and don't think they will be able to hold you down as they know you have so many options.

You can't really rebecome an AFC, so what I suggest you do is just focus on showing your interest in her a bit more, and make her think you have fallen for you, and she has reformed you from your player ways.

If you have read Les Liasions Dangereuses (or even the film adaptation Cruel Intentions) look at Valmont and how he seduces a virginal woman not through his charm but because she senses him falling for her.

 

[Jariel]

Good points! I think it may be that people are prejudging me and I admit, I do tend to play on my social proof and "other options" a lot to try and increase interest with women. It works, but is probably adding to my player reputation.

I watched Cruel Intentions only a few weeks ago and I know what you're getting at. I think this is a very valid and much neglected point in DJing - the fact that women can fall in love with affection itself.

Thanks for the input. I may try this approach next time I meet potential girlfriend material and see what comes of it.

 

[GirlCrazy]

It's still a numbers game no matter how strong your form is. It could be you just haven't met any women that you consider LTR material. Maybe you're not even sure what you are looking for in an LTR. The more honest you are with yourself about what you're looking for, the more likely you are to find it.

My cousin used to say "There's the kind of woman you have fun with, and there's the kind of woman you marry. Don't get them mixed up."

 

[On_the_Top]

Thats strange, cause usually when I'm cold, show no feelings, and act like they are b!tches is when I have the most success. When I try to show my "feelings" (yuck) I usually hit a brick wall.

 

[Tha Realnezz]

Well I can tell you this much:Anytime I told myself ..They aren't like that. I'm just being sexist,I'm just generalizing...I have gotten burned.

You'd be a homo if you didn't have feelings towards them.Sexual or emotional. Men need women and they need us.

But you have got to be crazy to get burned by 30 women and then turn around and say "They aren't all bad".

You can have and your supposed to have those feelings.But never believe women AREN'T who you think they are.

That's the easiest way to get burned.