Divorced woman: good or bad

[thedeparted]

I met someone who meets a lot of my criteria BUT she is divorced. Age 28. At first I thought, this is bad. Divorced. I wonder if she screwed him over and took the house. Clearly she can't keep a marriage working. Etc.

But then I looked at some good points. First, she has no house, that doesn't mean she didn't screw her ex in the settlement, but still. Second, if she was married, she was fvcking a lot fewer guys than a single woman in her 20's would be, which I find preferable, for all the obvious reasons. Third, she should no longer have the need for a big showcase wedding to impress friends and families, having got that out of her system. Fourth, maybe she learned something from the "starter marriage".

Anyway, I haven't bothered to ask her about it, for the obvious reason that people lie out their azz, and I'm sure she'd have a good story concocted, so it would be rather pointless. But I'm wondering what guys on the board think about a young divorcee in general, for GF material, all other things being equal.

 

[KontrollerX]

As long as she doesn't have any b@stard children that aren't yours for you to raise I'd say give her a shot.

Just keep paying attention to whatever she may say about how she and her husband interacted and how she treated past guys in her life to get an idea of how she will treat you.

Maybe they got divorced for maturity reasons meaning maybe as they got a bit older they became two completely different people and just decided to mutually end the marriage.

That makes her quite a bit better of a candidate for getting involved with than say if the relationship ended over some abusive reason dude.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Departed,
At 34 you are really looking at a market where most of the ladies have experienced Divorce or broken relationship....one side is that they are damaged have luggage,the other side is that they are realistic in their expectations...she knows a guys reactions to her situation and will try a little harder than the others.... word of warning though,the fact that she didn't take hubby to the cleaners last time doesn't mean she won't next time...give it a whirl...

 

[Chrispy]

Don't focus on the negative label that you seem to have of her - that is, don't judge her. Do keep an eye on whether her behavior from being divorced is something you can handle ie. difficult, hard to please, lives in the past, has a chip for being divorced.

If she brings lots of baggage in the relationship and this is not something you can handle, then move on.

On the plus side i am sure she is very experience in many areas, so it's up to you to open those mysteries

 

[ElChoclo]

Why bother? A woman who is divorced at 28 thought that it was a good idea to get married young, couldn't keep it together then divorced. Length of marriage would be an interesting indicator. Also in due course, ask for reason for divorce even if they are likely to lie. Even a lie tells you something about what she thinks is valid grounds for a divorce.

Is there no one else available, because the job of girlfriend is one job where experience is not helpful.

 

[Warrior74]

Good for what? That is the question isn't it? Good for a wife? Good for a **** buddy? What do you want here? Anwser that and you might start getting somewhere. You sound like your shopping for a girlfriend or wife.

 

[thedeparted]

Good for GF

 

[NewMan]

First, she has no house, that doesn't mean she didn't screw her ex in the settlement, but still. Second, if she was married, she was fvcking a lot fewer guys than a single woman in her 20's would be, which I find preferable, for all the obvious reasons. Third, she should no longer have the need for a big showcase wedding to impress friends and families, having got that out of her system. Fourth, maybe she learned something from the "starter marriage".

I just happen to find your list above a little shallow in thinking. If your following the above rule, then don't go for her.

 

[sodbuster]

No big wedding? fat chance, If she doesn't want it,your mother will,or her mother will. Now if it was the third for both of you,you'd stand a chance.
The other posters were partially right re: why she got divorced,BUT it is always the mans fault. My cousin got divorced and was the supposed ass- he said what did she expect when we haven't had sex in the last year? If she said he cheated or beat her,check out what she did. He could have walked in on her pulling a train on the Lakers,but it's his fault for cheating.

 

[MacAvoy]

I will date a divorced women but I've always said that I would never get involved in a serious relationship with a divorced women or even consider marrying a divorced women.

If I ever get married, it will only be once and there will not be a divorce. I've yet to find a women who's able to even come close to making that committment.

I dated this really great women who was recently divorced but I wouldn't allow it to go beyond that. Of course, her husband didn't treat her how he should and at the end of the day she had to leave him in her best interest. Now do get me wrong, I don't deny what she is saying. I believe that was in her best interests.

But to me that sends a huge signal that she'll jump into such a big decision without fully thinking about it or making a committment when you don't know a person well enough. This isn't a 4 year college committment, its life long.

Last year when I was testing my new paradigm theory, I found a women that fit my criteria and I thought I would give it a try even though she had been divorced. She basically confirmed everything about every divorced women I've been with / known. I will never again seriously date a divorced women.

But it all depends on what your looking for and your value of marriage and what you want out of life.

 

[jophil28]

Unless you have real statistical evidence showing this to be the case, you are just stating a belief. I want to see actual evidence showing that because otherwise you are misleading people.

There is clear statistical evidence to show that divorced folk who remarry, divorce again sooner,and at a higher rate, than "first timers" . In other words the failure rate of second marriages is HIGHER than first marriages.
There are several speculative explanations for this phenomenon- none of which make much sense to me. Then agin NOTHING that the "marriage guidance" or counseling industries says makes much sense.
However it APPEARS that divorced folk are MORE willing to bail when things do not go in a way that pleases them. Once again 70% of second divorces are initiated by woman. That should come as no surprise to those of us who have dated many divorced woman.

 

[Chrispy]

Listen guys, divorced woman is a stigma for some men and for some cultures. If your belief system doesn't like that stigma, walk away. If you don't care about stigma, then go for it. Her being divorced is no different than someone who was in an LTR for 10 yrs and broke up.

Some divorced women found mr. wrong and had no children with him. they find mr. right -that could be you - and then have children (if that's what they want).

 

[thedeparted]

There is clear statistical evidence to show that divorced folk who remarry, divorce again sooner,and at a higher rate, than "first timers" . In other words the failure rate of second marriages is HIGHER than first marriages.
There are several speculative explanations for this phenomenon- none of which make much sense to me. Then agin NOTHING that the "marriage guidance" or counseling industries says makes much sense.
However it APPEARS that divorced folk are MORE willing to bail when things do not go in a way that pleases them. Once again 70% of second divorces are initiated by woman. That should come as no surprise to those of us who have dated many divorced woman.

I've read that. I'm also wondering: what are the stats on the LIKELIHOOD of getting married again? I wouldn't mind if the divorced women prefer NOT to get married again. That would be a big bonus.

 

[thedeparted]

But to me that sends a huge signal that she'll jump into such a big decision without fully thinking about it or making a committment when you don't know a person well enough.

Excellent point. At the least, then, it suggests bad judgement or misplaced priorities (e.g., better married to the wrong guy than single). Thanks for the wise post.

 

[MatureDJ]

A divorcee is either a bad apple or she was too immature

Of course, there is always the chance that her husband was a cad, but generally bad apples choose such cads.

The only good divorcee under this scenario would be the one that was too immature, but has now become more mature. And in a similar way that a divorced man is looked upon as a good catch (because he is the marrying type), a divorced woman can be seen as better than the old maid, as she is at least capable of not being so picky as to get a man.

Of course, a single mommy is a totally different ballgame, and should not be seriously considered, except as a fvck buddy.

 

[hadoken]

In some cultures, it is a big dealbreaker. Assuming you are a normal american guy like me, I personally don't think it's a big deal depending on the circumstances.

Would you rather have a divorced girl, no kids, who is 30, made a naive mistake to marry her 1st bf (who turned out to be a sleazebag), and had a marriage that lasted say 2 years vs some chick who never married but has banged a dozen guys by age 30 and has a history of treating guys badly? To me it's a no brainer. I would much have the former than the latter.

 

[jophil28]

Would you rather have a divorced girl, no kids, who is 30, made a naive mistake to marry her 1st bf (who turned out to be a sleazebag), and had a marriage that lasted say 2 years vs some chick who never married but has banged a dozen guys by age 30 and has a history of treating guys badly? To me it's a no brainer. I would much have the former than the latter.

Ha ha ! Every divorced woman that i have ever dated claimed to be a "naive woman who married her B/f who turned out to be sleazebag ".

I have heard numerous minor variations of this claim, but regardless of the words used, the woman always claims the high ground for herself as a "trusting, faithful woman in love" who married a guy who ultimately turned into Satan himself.

Don't they just love their contrived victimhood?

I think I would rather take my chances with a 30 year old gangbanger who is honest about her own history..

 

[mtnkng]

Like it or not....as you get older or date older women, it will be more likely that they've been divorced at least once. Eg., if you're in your 40's (as I am), the pool of available women will have a higher percentage of divorced women.

Qualifying criteria of "not divorced/never married" may be limiting. Not sayin you should lower you're standards, but....realistically, it will be rare to find a high value woman who hasn't married by the time she has hit her late 30's.

Enter into this equation children.

As for the divorced woman who plays the victim....she's just not a candidate for a LTR (if there ever was one)....she doesnt have the emotional maturity to acknowledge HER role in the failed marriage. If she's worthy, hit it and quit it.

 

[decades]

I would say your worries are misplaced. just her today. not based on some preconceived notions about legal contrivances.

 

[Latinoman]

Deal Breakers

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=140254



Deal Breakers



A female friend and I were talking and the issue of deal breakers came up. She asked me if I had any if so, what they were.

For a man that has managed to get involved in "committed" relationships, I do have a laundry list of "deal breakers". Now, what does that mean? It means that I have very high standards, very high self-value, and that there are obviously "quality women" out there.

Here is what I shared with my friend.

No everybody has the same deal breakers…but for ME, it depends of what I want with the woman (relationship or just a fling or just sex). So,

1. I would not even date a woman (not even for a fling or just sex) that

a) she is into one-night stands such as meeting random people and having sex (I can give them the benefit of the doubt if it happened once and over 15 years ago)

b) she has engaged into sexual behavior that I personally find deplorable (eg. group sex, wife-swapping, prostitution, work as a stripper)

c) she uses illegal substances, such as marihuana or other drugs (even "recreational)

d) she has an addiction to drugs (legal or illegal)

e) she has committed a certain crimes such as selling drugs, sex with minors, stealing

f) she has served in prison

g) she is unclean

h) she is unemployed

If she has done a-f above, then I don’t even bother getting involved with her. Not even for casual sex.

2. If I’m already involved with her…(e.g. committed relationship)

a) If she cheats on me, it is OVER.
b) If she disrespects me in a very serious way, it is OVER.
c) If she gets involved with crime, illegal drugs, or any addiction to drugs, it is OVER.
d) If she has a very low sexual drive, it is OVER (as it is an indication that we are not compatible).

3. I might consider having a fling with a woman, but would NOT have with her a SERIOUS relationship (in another words, I would never be in a committed relationship other than just sex), if

a) she has minor children
b) is going through a bitter divorce
c) she is over 21, but under 26.
d) she is over 50
e) she is incompetent at her work/career
f) she does not have an education
g) she works as a bartender, hairdresser, barber, waitress
h) she has a boyfriend, lover, fiance, or is married

Now, if a man like me, that have very high standards went from one relationship to another...wouldn't any man with less stringent requirements manage to at least find ONE quality woman? When I say there are plenty of quality women out there (more so than "M"en)...I truly mean it.