Divorced Men: Give Your Advice.
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TheLadiesMan
Master Don Juan
"Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a ‘relationship’ and things can go great, then you have a ‘great relationship.’
But sometimes it doesn’t go so great, and I call that a relationsh*t.
When you’re not in love… When you don’t have love, everybody you know falls in love, on like the same day. Even Karen the Douchebag falls in love. Even retarded people in your neighborhood are getting married on their front lawn as you drive by.
‘WHAT?! The tards just got married on their lawn!"-Dane Cook
If there's no kids involved, never look back.
It's going to suck for a bit, but man up. Life goes on. Don't waste your time thinking about the "what ifs". It takes two to tango, and the relationship died for a reason. Let it die. Sometimes in life, you got to get knocked down to get up. *shrugs* Re-focus your energy towards YOUR future. The sooner, the better.
You can always learn something from any relationship, good or bad. Learn from it, and doors will be opened to a better relationship next time around, but don't rush to fill that void. I did, big mistake.
Man up.... and never look back.
But sometimes it doesn’t go so great, and I call that a relationsh*t.
When you’re not in love… When you don’t have love, everybody you know falls in love, on like the same day. Even Karen the Douchebag falls in love. Even retarded people in your neighborhood are getting married on their front lawn as you drive by.
‘WHAT?! The tards just got married on their lawn!"-Dane Cook
If there's no kids involved, never look back.
It's going to suck for a bit, but man up. Life goes on. Don't waste your time thinking about the "what ifs". It takes two to tango, and the relationship died for a reason. Let it die. Sometimes in life, you got to get knocked down to get up. *shrugs* Re-focus your energy towards YOUR future. The sooner, the better.
You can always learn something from any relationship, good or bad. Learn from it, and doors will be opened to a better relationship next time around, but don't rush to fill that void. I did, big mistake.
Man up.... and never look back.
harsh reality
First time poster here, been lurking for a while... Great place btw
I will re emphasize a few things and add some. From personal experience, unfortunately...
You will be on an emotional rollercoaster for a few months or longer. Try to keep it "strictly business" as much as possible.
Don't buy into the divorce scenarios from the 70's and 80's where you get your kids only on weekends, or only occasionally. You can get 'em 50% of the time if that's what you want.
If you are just a "middle class" dude (like me)...meaning you don't have serious high-dollar assets and property, etc., you'll be better off limiting your use of lawyers. Me and my ex used NO attorneys. This was after the wise advice of a few different people who spent huge, vast amounts of time and $ on a big war with lawyers....and ended up basically with the exact same end result as if they had done it themselves and divided everything up (including parenting time) reasonably themselves. You can download sep. agreements, etc. free from the internet and fill in the blanks. Again, if you have a home in Aspen and a million in the bank, you'll need an attorney.
That said, pay close attention to assets and debts. I came out fairly well as far as equity in house, cars, belongings...but in hindsight, for example, I had 10 grand left on student loans that she would've been on the hook for half. Pensions and 410K's, need looked at, too...
Beware the drink. If you have been the "family guy" with kids around on nights & weekends for the last 10 years, you suddenly have a big void to fill by yourself. Find other stuff to do, a casual FB relationship (don't get serious and beware women that want to give you the world after a month) but don't start picking up a bottle on the way home from work. Especially bad now when it's dark at 5 p.m.
Try to cut all ties with the ex other than "strictly business" re. kids. Unless she's a toad, she'll be able to find guys to cling on to her (usually borderline losers and hump & dump situations) and even if you have your own FB or GF, it'll stir up your negative emotions visiting, talking. So, as much as humanly possible, stay away, don't talk to her, don't ask the kids about her. Yeah, one-in-a-million people can divorce and be "buddies/best friends" but there is often a lot of bitterness/animosity that is best avoided with a clean break.
Spend a lot of quality time with your kids.
Anyway, this is a great place, sosuave. and for you lurkers out there, esp recently single, middle age, I can tell you that all the info here in the bible, etc. is 80 - 90% truth. The way women are, what they do and why, the way you should interact with them, what to do and what to avoid, work hard at being a "DJ" and realize that like anything in life, it's a long process with a learning curve but in the 2 yrs since I was suddenly cast adrift in my early 40's, wondering "WTF do I do now...I haven't 'dated' for 17 fukking years?!?!?!?!" The last few months of lurking on SoSuave have set me straight in many ways and I'm already seeing results in my quality of life...thanks to all and I hope to participate here occasionally (with shorter posts than this)...
First time poster here, been lurking for a while... Great place btw
I will re emphasize a few things and add some. From personal experience, unfortunately...
You will be on an emotional rollercoaster for a few months or longer. Try to keep it "strictly business" as much as possible.
Don't buy into the divorce scenarios from the 70's and 80's where you get your kids only on weekends, or only occasionally. You can get 'em 50% of the time if that's what you want.
If you are just a "middle class" dude (like me)...meaning you don't have serious high-dollar assets and property, etc., you'll be better off limiting your use of lawyers. Me and my ex used NO attorneys. This was after the wise advice of a few different people who spent huge, vast amounts of time and $ on a big war with lawyers....and ended up basically with the exact same end result as if they had done it themselves and divided everything up (including parenting time) reasonably themselves. You can download sep. agreements, etc. free from the internet and fill in the blanks. Again, if you have a home in Aspen and a million in the bank, you'll need an attorney.
That said, pay close attention to assets and debts. I came out fairly well as far as equity in house, cars, belongings...but in hindsight, for example, I had 10 grand left on student loans that she would've been on the hook for half. Pensions and 410K's, need looked at, too...
Beware the drink. If you have been the "family guy" with kids around on nights & weekends for the last 10 years, you suddenly have a big void to fill by yourself. Find other stuff to do, a casual FB relationship (don't get serious and beware women that want to give you the world after a month) but don't start picking up a bottle on the way home from work. Especially bad now when it's dark at 5 p.m.
Try to cut all ties with the ex other than "strictly business" re. kids. Unless she's a toad, she'll be able to find guys to cling on to her (usually borderline losers and hump & dump situations) and even if you have your own FB or GF, it'll stir up your negative emotions visiting, talking. So, as much as humanly possible, stay away, don't talk to her, don't ask the kids about her. Yeah, one-in-a-million people can divorce and be "buddies/best friends" but there is often a lot of bitterness/animosity that is best avoided with a clean break.
Spend a lot of quality time with your kids.
Anyway, this is a great place, sosuave. and for you lurkers out there, esp recently single, middle age, I can tell you that all the info here in the bible, etc. is 80 - 90% truth. The way women are, what they do and why, the way you should interact with them, what to do and what to avoid, work hard at being a "DJ" and realize that like anything in life, it's a long process with a learning curve but in the 2 yrs since I was suddenly cast adrift in my early 40's, wondering "WTF do I do now...I haven't 'dated' for 17 fukking years?!?!?!?!" The last few months of lurking on SoSuave have set me straight in many ways and I'm already seeing results in my quality of life...thanks to all and I hope to participate here occasionally (with shorter posts than this)...
Somebody mentioned to be careful who you talk to, that could not be more true!
My ex and I had an amicable divorce, and talked later about things.
You would be amazed, at people who I thought were my friends, and told me to screw her over, etc, etc, and who told me she was wrong and I was right, who then told her the exact opposite.
Damnable liars and hypocrites... telll me in the morning I am doing the right thing, then her in the afternoon that I am a scumbag, etc
Man, what an eye-opener! And some of you think that I am cynical and bitter? Sh1t, I am not cynical or bitter enough. Just rethinking about this, which happened over 7 years ago, makes me angry still...
"You are a master of what you do not say, and a slave to what you do say"
Dietzcoi
My ex and I had an amicable divorce, and talked later about things.
You would be amazed, at people who I thought were my friends, and told me to screw her over, etc, etc, and who told me she was wrong and I was right, who then told her the exact opposite.
Damnable liars and hypocrites... telll me in the morning I am doing the right thing, then her in the afternoon that I am a scumbag, etc
Man, what an eye-opener! And some of you think that I am cynical and bitter? Sh1t, I am not cynical or bitter enough. Just rethinking about this, which happened over 7 years ago, makes me angry still...
"You are a master of what you do not say, and a slave to what you do say"
Dietzcoi
Between posts like this, and witnessing family members in similar situations, its hard not to be extremely nervous about getting cleaned out and left for dead after a nasty divorce. I have seen family members marry the wrong women, and the years upon years of backfire it has had. I have seen friends having sex on a regular basis with married women for a long time.
I have a few questions for the experts. First, what is the best way to protect your net worth? I don't want my dream shattered by a greedy two faced person . Second, is it even worth marrying today? I am hardly religious, and don't want the government involved in my life anymore than they have to be ( business, taxes, etc). Why add complexity?
I have a few questions for the experts. First, what is the best way to protect your net worth? I don't want my dream shattered by a greedy two faced person . Second, is it even worth marrying today? I am hardly religious, and don't want the government involved in my life anymore than they have to be ( business, taxes, etc). Why add complexity?
I was never married but when I split with the mother of my children, we had to go to court to settle issues concerning our children and our shared assets.
The thing is, you have to keep a clear head, don’t get emotional about it. When my brother got divorced from his wife he gave her way too much, because he was still in love with her. If she’s divorcing you, you have to harden your heart a bit.
Keep track of everything. When we went to court, I had all my papers in order. Her papers weren’t.
Be honest, with yourself, with your lawyer, with the judge. A good lawyer can gloss over most any mistake of your past, but get caught lying in court and you’re screwed.
I got everything I asked for and more because she was disorganized and got caught lying.
Make sure you get a good lawyer.
You should always have an account that no one else has access to.
The thing is, you have to keep a clear head, don’t get emotional about it. When my brother got divorced from his wife he gave her way too much, because he was still in love with her. If she’s divorcing you, you have to harden your heart a bit.
Keep track of everything. When we went to court, I had all my papers in order. Her papers weren’t.
Be honest, with yourself, with your lawyer, with the judge. A good lawyer can gloss over most any mistake of your past, but get caught lying in court and you’re screwed.
I got everything I asked for and more because she was disorganized and got caught lying.
Make sure you get a good lawyer.
You should always have an account that no one else has access to.
Potato is right above. Be scrupulously honest with yourself and your lawyer.
NO B.S. will be tolerated by your judge. Be honest.
One more thing ---- DOCUMENT everything. Buy a little book, and write down WHEN you do EVERYTHING with regard to the kids. What day and time you got the kid, and what day and time she got the kid back. And this at minimum. You may also want to write down other stuff, such as expenses, and any money that changes hands.
DON'T have any other women around your kids. EVER. Just do the kid thing when you have them.
NO B.S. will be tolerated by your judge. Be honest.
One more thing ---- DOCUMENT everything. Buy a little book, and write down WHEN you do EVERYTHING with regard to the kids. What day and time you got the kid, and what day and time she got the kid back. And this at minimum. You may also want to write down other stuff, such as expenses, and any money that changes hands.
DON'T have any other women around your kids. EVER. Just do the kid thing when you have them.
penkitten
Master Don Juan
documentation is everything.
Bible_Belt said:
Yeah, ain't that the truth. My ex still tries to hound me well over a year and a half after we broke up. She ended it so what does she want? Attention and to not feel that i "hate her." Every Thursday night like clockwork I get a text "you out tonight?"
They cannot break connections. We can.
BluntForceTrauma
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This is a good thread. I can't emphasis in getting a life after divorce. My mistake was to start up dating immediately trying to recapture the old days. I kept attracting the same types of women which was cool for awhile but didn't fill any voids. I would get attached to certain women and later found myself dealing with one sex encounter after another.
One day a year ago, I woke up and stopped all dating and such to get my mind and self together. Net result, I have the hardest time talking to "nice" women. They don't compute.
I would also go back to the suggestions never to text IM or email anything. These print outs can come back to haunt you. No matter how hard she makes it, don't move out. Women have sites that coach them to be the wildest shrews possible to knock you off your game.
IF you want to try and save your marriage there's a message board www.divorcebusting.com
They have a great message board with tips on saving your marriage. It didn't work for me but it may work for you.
You may also want to check out www.mysecretdivorce.com
It's a sight that sales stuff that you may want to ignore but read the horror stories there.
One day a year ago, I woke up and stopped all dating and such to get my mind and self together. Net result, I have the hardest time talking to "nice" women. They don't compute.
I would also go back to the suggestions never to text IM or email anything. These print outs can come back to haunt you. No matter how hard she makes it, don't move out. Women have sites that coach them to be the wildest shrews possible to knock you off your game.
IF you want to try and save your marriage there's a message board www.divorcebusting.com
They have a great message board with tips on saving your marriage. It didn't work for me but it may work for you.
You may also want to check out www.mysecretdivorce.com
It's a sight that sales stuff that you may want to ignore but read the horror stories there.
At this point you probably have a woman (or multiple women) chasing you around, calling you all the time, wanting to be with you. So let's talk about how to KEEP a woman interested in you once you have her. This is BIG! There is nothing worse than getting dumped by a woman that you really, really like.
Quote taken from The SoSuave Guide to Women and Dating, which you can read for FREE.