horaholic said:
Most of us have some insecurities. And, most of us have gotten burned trying to not be the jealous guy, and being confident in ourselves. I know I have, so Im gonna disagree with TMG's bold section. Whenever I've been Ok with my girl hanging out with dudes, I got cheated on, dumped, and had attempts on my very life. If we're that cool and badass, our girls would have no desire to hang out with other men, out of fear that we would disapprove.
It's fine to disagree, but I don't have this problem at all. It's not because I'm super-awesome-cool. It's because I've spent a lot of time learning about how women work on a deep level instead of just "x usually causes y but who knows how it actually does this". Fear of disapproval is not useful at all. In fact, it's counter-productive because direct disapproval exposes a weak spot in your armor. Every time you show disapproval to a woman, you're actually pointing at where to stick a knife when she gets emotionally upset. Women have an internal database that logs every instance where an action on her part turns into power over your emotional state. When you show disapproval for person X, I guarantee at some point she'll get angry and stomp off to see person X to piss you off.
Chick logic is easy to understand if your insecurities are handled and you aren't projecting guy logic on top of their emotional logic.
Rule #1: Never like a girl more than yourself aka Don't like a girl more than she likes you aka She has to feel that her IL is much higher than yours. Make her chase. Make her chase harder when she's doing "bad" things. Make her chase less when she's doing good. This is the big rule that can't be broken or there will be problems.
Rule #2: Do not give orders as to what a woman cannot do. It is guaranteed that she will do what you tell her not to do and I could write pages and pages about this right now but it suffices to say that women do not emotionally process "DON'T blah blah blah" correctly because they're not designed to (men aren't either, but it's less of an issue). Also, their imaginations are 100x more stronger than men (this is a small part of why they're puzzled about why men look at porn, they can conjure this stuff up very clearly) For instance, saying "Don't sleep with other guys" just keeps putting images (emotional feelings and memories of past occurrences!) in her mind of sleeping with guys. Really, I'm serious. Avoid talking about other guys in general with women or anything else you don't want her thinking about. If you say it, she's imagining it strongly. It's a woman thing.
If that seems ridiculous and complete rubbish, it works in men to a much lesser degree.
DON'T THINK OF BEER {----- you just thought of beer didn't you! I told you NOT to do something but your mind had to conjure up BEER to understand the statement so DON'T had no effect at all. Add that to your understanding about how strongly and vividly women imagine things and think of the effect of "DON'T SEE DUDE X" a few times in a moment. Dude X flashes in her emotions each time you do this
and it's a lot stronger than that mention of a beer above.
So, when a guy keeps telling a girl to not hang out with her guy friends her mind keeps seeing/hearing/smelling/etc good instances of her fun with friends pop up every time he does this. This is FACT. He's getting the completely opposite reaction he wants. Now, she can't get hanging out with other guys out of her mind because her BF is upset and he keeps triggering her good feelings about guys she likes to hang with and it's contrasted with a bad feeling right in front of her....her BF. Hanging out with friends moves up a bit each time he does this and her IL moves down at the same time regarding him. This is FACT and she'll end up screwing around because of this.
This is why you need to be non-reactive and take another approach (never verbally!) to get your woman to not want to hang out with "bad" guys. Here's one major way to get her to not do it much and not make the HUGE mistake 99% of guys make...reinforcing in her mind thoughts of hanging out with other guys over and over and over and over.
How To Remove Her Want To Spend Time With Bad Guys
This has to be done right from the beginning to get her to limit her wanting to be with other guys. It's always very useful for her to have a couple of AFCs around though...they are emotional tampons and occupy her time...plus you look awesome in contrast...so it's good to encourage that by NEVER SAYING ANYTHING AT ALL BAD ABOUT THE AFCs. Don't have ANYTHING to say EVER about the semi-afcs-or-potential-puas but once in a while say "AFC
seems nice, I'm glad you've got a friend like that" (ONLY when "i am going to see AFC comes up, don't just bring it up out of the blue!) and then get off the subject. Anything that's a big deal to you is a big deal to her. Just be casual and do this once in a long while.
Right when you start going out she'll do her testing about other guys. Let's say (any situation will do) the scenario is that you had a date and she called and said some bullshait about how she has a guy friend who just had a breakup and he needs her. Be totally cool about it, say "that's great, I've got something I wanted to do anyway" and
do not say what it is. Be mysterious but DON'T play games and try to imply anything at all, just say "stuff, go help your friend". That's it. No hints, no jealousy tricks, nothing. It's not a game or battle, you're just not giving information. You'll always lose a "game" war in the long run so don't bother.
Go do something cool. Hang with your friends. Have a good time. Don't sit at home. Have a life.
Now, I guarantee you that since she's chasing you but testing, all that time she's using dude X to test her mind will be distracted about what you're up to. If you're at home, she won't. She'll just have fun and start taking you for granted. The next day or whatever when she contacts you don't mention the broken date (or whatever scenario). Be in a good mood and mysterious. "Are you a junior detective or what?" in a ****y/funny way. Keep it short like that and act like it's not a big deal. (Women like mystery but not when their actions trigger it!)
Do this right from the beginning when the "other guys" testing starts. It's not a game because we're only doing what she's doing, going and doing something on our own when she goes doing something related to a potential rival.
Instead of 99% AFC results -} Her: "if I go hang with a friend I'll have fun and he'll just sit home (or tell me what he did) and I'll get biatched at but whatever, he'll get over it because he wants sex". There's no fear of loss involved. And, the guy is showing he's weak so she will be screwing someone else soon.
CONFIDENT MAN results (
women feelings translated into man logic) -} Her: "every time I go hang with a friend it sucks because all I can do while I'm with the friend is think about what worst case scenarios he might be up to because that frustrating guy is extremely vague & mysterious about what he does and oh no, is it another girl, am I losing him, oh shait, it's the next day, he's happy, wtf did he do, why did I go hang out with that guy who is just trying to pretend to be a friend to get in my pants????" Fear of loss is triggered and IT'S HER FAULT. She'll be kicking herself in the ass more and more when she does this. Guaranteed.
She can't think of sex with the guy because she's spending that time wondering what her man is up to. She won't want to keep doing this to herself. She's trapped because she can't biatch...she's the one who left her man to mysteriously wander.
This works because it's using a woman's woomanese way of getting points across instead of hitting her with "i don't want you with that guy because blah blah blah". Again, that has the opposite effect and gives her a weapon/power.
It boils down to this: If a woman is chasing you (always keep IL high, IL=Chase) and the only time she's really not knowing what you're up to is when she's with a friend you don't approve of (not verbally ever!!!) and you throw her a bone when she says she wants to hang out with a 100% afc and you say "that's fine, I'm going to go play poker with Bob and the gang" she'll have a great time with AFCs unloading by whining and doing other things you can't stand, they'll be her emotional tampons and you won't have to deal with it, but you being mysterious whenever it's a guy you don't like will ALWAYS cause her to only hang out with those AFCs quite quickly.
This absolutely works. This is how 90% of women work. The other 10% are the mental cluster B types you shouldn't be with anyway.
I hope this clears things up. Women aren't mysterious at all. It's trivial to keep your woman from wandering off when you understand how they see/feel things on a deep level. When you are a confident man (at least mostly) that makes her feel secure but
ALWAYS and
ALWAYS SUBTLY remove that security in a non-verbal manner when she's doing something not good for your relationship, SHE WILL STOP.
This is neither good or bad about women. It just IS and once you see the results a few times, understand it's how they work, and internalize it, you'll become a natural in this regard. I don't even think this through when I'm dealing with women, I had to deconstruct what I've internalized.
This overall concept is sort of linked to removing attention when she's bad and rewarding her with attention when she's good. When you do this completely subconsciously, women just automatically straighten up when you're around and this applies 100% to women you just met and their IL skyrockets.
But, I've typed much more than enough so I won't wander off into that subject.
