Disrespect or no biggie?

[Dash Riprock]

I've been seeing The Girl for 6 mos., mainly sticking to the principles of Confidence, Control and Challenge.

We were in Taos, NM for a 3 day getaway this weekend. We were in a gift shop when her cell phone rang. She immediately grabbed for it from the backpack. Surprised, I asked "Is it one the restaurants calling you back?" (Earlier, as I took a shower, I had her call around and see who still had openings for New Years Eve that night). She said, "No, it's a personal call."

She took the call and walked around the shop for about 10 min. while I waited. We were the only ones in there.

I didn't say a word and stayed a ways away as to not look too interested in who she was talking to; mainly looked out the window, at the gifts, etc. I think she noticed the terse look on my face though and after the call tried to buy me something from the shop, which I declined.

As we exited the store, I didn't say a word, but she offered info and said it was her guy friend from California who she hadn't talked to in 6 months. I just said, "Oh, cool" and showed zero emotion.

I was ticked off (not real pissed, but annoyed) that she took a personal, chit-chat, non-emergency call as we were on a weekend getaway in Taos.

This is the first time something like this came up.

My dilemma:

I'm still uncomfortable with what happened because in a way I feel like I didn't step up and say, "Hey, I don't mind if you take a call when we’re hanging out, provided it's important. But, if it's a call just to say 'hey' maybe cut the call or let it roll into voice mail, OK? It's not just your time, but mine too."

Or

Am I breaking the Law of Control by letting it bother me? If I play it off as no biggie, she knows I am confident enough that she can chat on her phone for a couple minutes to whomever without me getting pissed about it. As mentioned, she was talking for about 10 minutes, tops, and this sort of thing hasn't been a habit for her.

I'm on the fence here.

Any thoughts appreciated.

Dash

 

[Metro3pilot]

I can understand the first few dates, she takes a call during dinner and it's her buddy from California.

but you have been dating 6 months, will it ever be all right for her to take a call when you're together ?

I can't say I see any disrespect or reason to be bothered by this, but if it bothers you, maybe find a woman with no cell phone ?

you don't sound comfortable with this girl for whatever reason

:rockon:

 

[joekerr31]

what do you do when the dog sh*ts on the floor? you train it not to sh*t on the floor.

what do you do when a woman behaves in ways you don't want her to? you train her to stop behaving that way.

my suggestion is that the next time you guys are away together that you arrange to have your buddy call you and do to her exactly what she did to you.

trust me, she'll get upset and get the message.

either that or she won't mind. some people are just like that.

like im the type of person that if i say i'll be there at 2pm, im there at 2pm on the dot. heck, im usually 5 minutes earlier. and if im late (lets say there was an accident on the road or something that delayed me) i apologize and explain why i was late.

but thats me.

whereas some people show up 10-15 minutes late ALL THE TIME. its just how they do things. they expect that if you say you're meeting at 2pm, then it really means 2:15pm.

ive personally learned over the years that people who think / act this way simply aren't compatible with how i do things. and no amount of talking to them will change their behaviors - we're simply incompatible.

now what your woman did was rude. but what makes it rude is not so much taking the call, but walking around the shop while she took the call. she's dropping out of your weekend retreat together for 10 minutes to chat with some guy - not cool or smart.

now if she had stayed by your side and let you listen to her conversation that would have been her way of saying 'i know it sucks i gotta take this call, but im not hiding anything from you, i'm still HERE with you."

anyway, little things like this, while they are 'no biggie', actually are big deals. the reason being that its the little stuff that upsets us the most - when it takes no effort to be courteous and yet someone is rude anyway.

but the one piece of advice i can give you on this - NEVER address this stuff with her. she will simply see it as you being overly sensitive. 'you're joking right? you're upset because i took a 10 minute phone call? give me a break."

im telling ya, trust me on this, people who are inconsiderate never listen to people who tell them they are.

 

[joekerr31]

oh and fyi, probably the best strategy for you to have used while she did this was to chat up some woman in the shop. and if there were no women, just go chat up a cute counter girl.

she would have got her ass of the phone pretty quickly.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

You're getting too bogged down in your interpretation of control. The 3C model is excellent to follow especially in relationships when you use the real power of the concept.

Instead thinking of control as confinement consider thinking of control as management. Instead of acting as the issue is a non-issue, treat it as an issue but manage it well. Act upon it instead of reacting to it.

You said that you stayed away as not to seem interested. What exactly is the problem with you being interested? Like you said, this was a special time for the two of you; why wouldn't you be concerned if someone calls? Don't they know that she's away with her guy for the weekend? Why wouldn't they know... Hmmmm...

The thing is that the way that you find out should be in a managed, under control manner. It was good that she told you who it was but you could of calmly asked "So, is the emergency under control?" Frame it as it had to be an emergency for her to take the call. Notice, there's no mention about who she was talking to, that could make you seem either jealous or insecure.

When she tells you it wasn't important you could have asked for her phone. When she gives it to you tell her that you want each of you to focus on each other that weekend without distractions. Now her reaction would fill you in on her nature and interest level. Either she would agree that it would be better if the two of you could focus on each other or she'd be more interested in a phone call she'd miss not having her phone.

Either way, you would have addressed the situation in a controlled manner and without the frustration you're having now. Plus it would be a good learning experience for her as to your own nature. The situation is now behind you, leave it there and just be prepared if a similar situation arises.

 

[Dash Riprock]

anyway, little things like this, while they are 'no biggie', actually are big deals. the reason being that its the little stuff that upsets us the most - when it takes no effort to be courteous and yet someone is rude anyway.

but the one piece of advice i can give you on this - NEVER address this stuff with her. she will simply see it as you being overly sensitive. 'you're joking right? you're upset because i took a 10 minute phone call? give me a break."

joekerr,

Good post. I agree with what you said which is why I didn’t bring it up when we left--but she did, offered to buy me something, as I think she realized her faux pas.

I also agree that it's the little stuff that can set us off--a few years ago I would have addressed it then and there and probably gotten pissed. But now, unless it's blatant, I don't say anything as to not come off overly sensitive.

I'm going to let it ride this time but will "file it."

 

[potato]

Why does it bother you? Ten minutes out of 3 days. Your post makes you sound insecure and a control freak wannabe without the balls to follow through.

To be honest, I would advise the woman not to date you anymore. If 10 minutes on the phone is going to get your panties in a knot, what other insignificant things are going to set you off?

 

[Desdinova]

but the one piece of advice i can give you on this - NEVER address this stuff with her.

I'll have to disagree with you on this one joe.

There is nothing wrong with addressing an issue where a woman has done something disrespectful or inconsiderate. If you do not address the issue, she will continue the bad behavior.

Asking her to leave the cell phone at home while on a date (unless she's expecting an important call) isn't too much to ask. Or at the very least, to tell the other person that she'll call them back. I've made this request myself, and have been successful.

The difference between being insecure and making a request is confidence. If you're asking her not to talk to other guys because you're afraid she's going to run off with them, then you're being insecure. If you ask her not to take calls while on a date / getaway because it's YOUR time, then it's a request to respect your time.

The same goes for women who keep in contact with their ex's. Requesting her to cut contact because she might still love him shows insecurity. Requesting her to cut contact because it's disrespectful (and you won't tolerate disrespect) shows confidence.

 

[Dash Riprock]

potato,

Thanks for answering the the post.

To answer your question, because I think taking a personal call when we're hanging out alone in Taos (drove 7 hrs. from Denver) for a 3-day weekend is just F-ing rude.

I think based on the above posts, most agree. It's the fact the call wasn't an emergency, etc. Most see it as poor judgement on her part--the real question is the BEST (there's no perfect) way to deal with it.

We're still kind of new at 6 mos., and early events can/will dictate just HOW things will go later on.

I'm not being insecure about it, but I was surprised by it, and just wanted to get some feedback re: past DJ experiences.

 

[Desdinova]

the real question is the BEST (there's no perfect) way to deal with it.

Just tell her that you'd appreciate it if she would avoid talking on the phone when she's spending time with you. If she wants an explanation, just tell her that you find it disrespectful and a waste of your time.

If you don't squash these "little things" early, she'll continue to do them. Then when you finally decide to address her behavior, she'll say "well, it never bothered you before!"

 

[potato]

I just don’t see it as an issue worth worrying over. What if you were walking down the street in Taos and you passed an art gallery that had something displayed and your girlfriend wanted to go take a quick look but you weren’t interested. Would you think it proper to prevent her from seeing what ever was displayed even though it would take no more than 10 minutes? After all it is your time too. What if you wanted to see something and she didn’t. Would she be justified in protesting?

Carrying on with a woman requires give and take. It’s not just about you.

 

[joekerr31]

when your reading about a 10 minute phone call it sounds like no big deal. but in real life it can be different.

if you were watching a movie in a movie theatre and someone took a 10 minute phone call the people around them would probably rip it out of their hands and jam it up their ass.

the reality is that her taking the call meant he had to sit there and twiddle his thumbs for 10 minutes - thats rude.

she should have:
-not answered the phone
-answered it and told the person she couldn't talk
- answered it, guaged the length of the convo and then told him 'this will take about 10 minutes, i'm sorry about this.'

she gave no apology. she gave him no idea how long he'd be waiting. she basically just answered the phone and then let him twiddle his thumbs not knowing how long he'd be sitting there like a chump waiting for their weekend retreat to start again (turns out it was only 10 minutes).

this IS the behavior of someone who is inconsiderate.

the irony in this is that as inconsiderate as it is, its even more stupid. its just a stupid thing to do for her own self interest. she's blowing it. If Dash had another girl in the wings which he found almost as interesting as this chic, odds are he'd be dumping her *ss right now and focusing his attention on the other chic.

this chic is just lucky that she's the best the deal he's got going right now.

i mean, just be realistic about this guys.... if you were on a weekend retreat with some hot chic that you really were interested in, would you take a phone call and basically ignore her for 10 minutes?!!! you damn well know you wouldn't!

or you'd politely excuse yourself to take the call and then apologize after and explain why you had to take it.

 

[guru1000]

Hey Dash,

I would have taken it as a sign of disrespect.

Clearly any call does not to be taken away from you , especially a guy friend.

Six months is a great deal of time to clearly establish The Rules. Women are like children. They need to be trained and directed. They need to feel your internal boundaries. Here is a clear example of what happens when a woman is not directed.

This is very simple. Are you prepared to walk away? If you are , lay out the IRON FIST.

Clearly state your rules. Make sure she understands, if they are not met, she is history. It is that simple. If she breaks one of your rules, tell her "Have a nice day!".

You are a MAN. Do not be afraid to direct and lead her. Do not hold back and ALWAYS be prepared to walk away.

 

[DavenJuan]

i think you are asking us IF this was a sigh of disrespect.

to each his own. I personally wouldnt have a problem with this, however it really doesnt matter what each of us thinks. if YOU felt it was a sign of disrespect, then thats the only thing that matters

however, if you did not share with her your thinking on the matter, its hard to say if she really did anything wrong her.

next time tell her. it would benefit you in the long run

 

[Interceptor]

I don''t see it as disrespectful, in terms iof simply answering her phone. Answering her phone to take a call is NOT disrespectful, even if you are on vacation or retreat or whatever. You have no monopoly on her time, and you cannot control how she spends it or her decsions.

But , for me, the the thing that woudl have bothered me was that she went off on her own to talk to her guy friend. THAT is disrespectful of the man and the relationship.

It looks like she's keeping her options open.

Why would she NEED to go off and 'talk' so that YOU wouldn't hear?
What is she trying to hide?
What the fvck is my woman doing talking on the phone to some guy whom I do not know and she is doing it away from my eearshot??!
This is a bad sign.

This is what is disconcerting , not the phone call, but the way the phone call was handled.
A person that is not seeking soemthing romantic/sexual with someone on the phone will speak friendly and platonically, only a person who was seeking something or keeping their options open, and making it appear like they're alone has an ulterior motive, or a need to be covert here.

A woman whom is a Lady, would speak openly in front of you ,since she has nothing to hide, and always include her partner in the convo ie "Yeah, I'm here with my boyfriend in Taos, we're havng a riomantic getaway together. Everything is wonderful! So how are you?" BAM! THAT is how a Lady speaks with a guy 'friend'. She gives indicators that she is TAKEN, NOT AVAILABLE,and NOT INTERESTED.


This female felt guilty hence, offering to buy him a Gift.
You only feel guilty if you're doing something WRONG.



I would sleep with one eye open with this one.

Time to withdraw some of our Emotional Investment, Dash.
Protect that Heart.

 

[Mr.Positive]

Six months is a great deal of time to clearly establish The Rules. Women are like children. They need to be trained and directed. They need to feel your internal boundaries. Here is a clear example of what happens when a woman is not directed..

Reality check, we don't own women. We don't control them. All we can control, is how we react to them. How we deal with the actions they decide to take.

With all due respect, I, personally, do not see a big deal here. So, she took a 10 minute phone call, it could be about anything..maybe a family member was sick, maybe a friend was in need.

There has to be some compromise. Look at the big picture, she took a 3-day getaway to spend time, with you Dash! That says a lot right there. As men, we shouldn't be so sensitive.

She had a phone call, probably some afc that was having some breakdown. I doubt she intended to spend 10 minutes of a fun, romantic, weekend counseling someone. Let it go..

 

[squirrels]

It's not so much that she took the call as it is that she had to walk away from you to do so. At 6 months, I'd expect to be beyond that kind of sh!t.

But your negotiation sounds weak. "I don't mind if...but I'd like it if at least..." You're not requesting her time. You're beyond that sh!t.

You know, in "Fight Club", Brad Pitt has this look he gives Ed Norton when he says something dumb or does something contrary to the Tyler Durden philosophy...it's kind of a "WTF" look, but it's not angry or hurt, just "WTF". I would just give her that until she gives a satisfactory explanation. Then let it go.

BTW, you can't jerk a girl around for 6 months without her eyes starting to rove.

 

[Metro3pilot]

It really is no wonder some of you have the time to do 1000 posts plus ...

one question :

if you are this bothered by a 10 minute phone call after dating for 6 months

when, if ever, will you be comfortable having your lady take a phone call

or are phone calls strictly forbidden on your time ?

I suggest you find a girl who gives you 100% of her attention 100% of the

time and does not own a cell phone or you will never be happy.

:rockon:

 

[phooey73]

Why does it bother you? Ten minutes out of 3 days. Your post makes you sound insecure and a control freak wannabe without the balls to follow through.

To be honest, I would advise the woman not to date you anymore. If 10 minutes on the phone is going to get your panties in a knot, what other insignificant things are going to set you off?

Exactly. It's a phone call. Who cares? Get over yourself.

**** this "go talk to another girl" stuff. What's the big deal? You wouldn't give a **** if it was one of her girlfriends that she hadn't talked to in 6 months.

 

[Mr.Positive]

It really is no wonder some of you have the time to do 1000 posts plus ...

one question :

if you are this bothered by a 10 minute phone call after dating for 6 months

when, if ever, will you be comfortable having your lady take a phone call

or are phone calls strictly forbidden on your time ?

I suggest you find a girl who gives you 100% of her attention 100% of the

time and does not own a cell phone or you will never be happy.

:rockon:

This is exactly what I was thinking. I'm surprised at the responses here.

It's funny, a woman could do everything perfectly, however, a little phone call f*cks everything up on a nice 3 day weekend. When did we get so sensitive and needy?

This is something out of highschool...really. "Oh, my girlfriend's on the phone, who is it? I must know.."

It's not as if they were in the middle of having sex, and she took the call. The would be something different, but they were browsing in a gift shop. He was probably at the other end of the shop looking at the swimsuit calenders, and she was browsing looking at candles or something.

Sometimes I think we read into things too much here, we're to sensitive and jump at things..oh, this must be disrespect!

Dash, this woman went on a 3 day getaway with you, that says something right there. Focus on how the trip was as a whole.