Discussing Reservations about friends fiance with him?

[MtnMan]

One of my best friends is getting married next year. He is 30, she is 23. Been together a couple years. I have shared a lot of deep conversation with this friend, and I would say he is pretty naturally red-pill even though I don't think he has ever heard it talked about.

This weekend I had the honor of being asked to be his best man, and of course I accepted.

The problem is, I just feel like there are a few red flags with his relationship. His woman does a few things that piss him off, and he is not sure how to get it under wraps.

for example:

-she hangs out with one of her single girlfriends too often, the girlfriend has tried to get her started smoking cigarettes, which he hates

-she smokes too much weed in his opinion

-her mom has a history of substance abuse, and I think he is afraid of her going down that path


Now, I like this girl. Overall, she is a cool girl but I just have a bit of a bad feeling in my gut. Some of their relationship reminds me of mine as it was about to fall apart with my ex-fiance.

I don't know if I should voice any of my concerns, or just STFU and let things go. I HATE to say it, but I will not be surprised if something happens before now and the wedding and she calls it off. Its just a gut feeling I have, I don't have any evidence to support it.

Do I just shut up, and have a talk with him?

 

[Shaka]

I had a similar experience with one of my best friend.
I had a really bad feeling about his girl.
But I didn't say anything.

I won't tell all the story here, but he lost a lot in the end.
I had a serious talk with him, and I told him that I kinda knew.

I swore to him and myself back then, that I will never do that again. If I smell something wrong about one of my friends' GF, i'll tell them about it, even if it means a lot of arguments.

So my advice is this : tell him what's on your mind. If he is a real friend, he is worth "fighting" for, even if you two argue. In the end, you will only tell him something for his own good, and he should be grateful for it.

 

[Ruleit]

Weed and parental substance abuse... wonderful track record.

It's not a matter of if but when she finally gets high and fvcks someone else.

His gut is talking. Tell him to listen to it. He's on the highway to emotional hell and needs to take the nearest off-ramp.

 

[Kailex]

My best friend went through a similar situation 2 years ago. When I first met her, she openly admitted that she got with him because she loved his sports car. Red flag IMMEDIATELY for me. We went through hours of red flags on a night we all spent together. He was 31 and she was 22.

I tried talking him out of the situation or to give it more time. He was so "in love" with her he just didn't want to listen.

I unceremoniously then got uninvited to the wedding. I told him that no matter what, I'd be his friend, but I had let him know how I had felt about her.

They got married in April 2013, and divorced in February 2014.
We have a much stronger bond as brothers and he is perfectly willing to listen to my advice now.

My suggestion: Don't force him to make a decision. Talk to him, but more importantly, ASK him if he thinks he is doing the right thing. Sometimes being TOLD something is not the same as being ASKED because it calls for a bit of introspection and some soul searching.

If he decides to proceed, then just reassure him that you'll be there for him no matter what. But DO... prepare and brace for the worst.

 

[MOTU]

Yea I agree with the above. You could do it in a non threatening way... Relate his situation to your old one, question him as to how he feels, rather than you making too many value statements.

 

[Maximummax]

Since you mentioned him as your best friend, it would be good if you speak to him openly about all this, even though he don't like it.
she is 23 and totally damaged already

 

[dasein]

If the concerns you list are about it, I'd keep quiet. Those aren't concrete enough behavior to make a thing over and he seems aware enough of them already.

 

[Vulpine]

Bro code obligates you to speak your peace.

You MUST tell your bro about what you see in his h0 that he can't.


A good friend of mine, same deal, told him his broad was a psycho. He blew me off, married, divorced same year... "I should've listened to you." But did he? No... married again (4th? or 5th?) a short time later. Some guys are just too stupid to talk to. If that's the case, fine, you're probably better off without them around.

Another friend of mine, said my peace, they got married anyway. A few years later... well, he's miserable and stuck. Shocking. So, what am I supposed to do? Encourage him to gnaw his leg off to get out of that trap?

The bottom line: Women's love is conditional, male friends? Not so much. Bro's stay bro's despite women and their antics. If a guy gets irate about your (obligated) input, then he'll likely soon forget and not hold a grudge.

 

[Ruleit]

You could do it in a non threatening way... Relate his situation to your old one, question him as to how he feels, rather than you making too many value statements.

^^^ This.

MOTU's approach is the right one. If you're overt about the red flags he will question your loyalty and think of you as jealous of him.

Broach the subject indirectly. Find a way to get him to think about the situation and convince himself that she's a bad risk.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Mountain Man,
Believe me discretion is the better part of valour...just be around to pick up the pieces!

 

[speed dawg]

If he knows about all these things, leave it be. He knows the facts, he's a big boy, he can make his own decisions. Best you can do in that situation is live out the DJ lifestyle through your own actions. If you start bashing his girl, it'll only lead to resentment.

That said.....if there's something he does NOT know about, like she's cheating....well, then by all means tell him.