Disappointing first date

[BlueFlyer]

Met up with a girl from ok cupid tonight. Me 41, she 39. We had a good time talking about our lives. Seemed to be the right moment as we were walking down an alleyway after having drinks. I put my arm around her as we were walking (which seemed to be well received) and then stopped to give her a kiss. At this point she said "too much" and I just gave her a hug. Smoothed it over and the evening proceeded. Walked her home and played it cool, joking, laughing. Not sure I should contact her again though. On the one hand, maybe she needs more time. On the other, I do think it was kind of lame. I mean, really, I was just going for a kiss and, at the end of the night, it wasn't that big of a deal. I really think if she's not going to honor the evening with a kiss, she's not that interested and this is not the one for me.

I think I've answered my own question but any thoughts on how to proceed? Similar situations where everything seemed to be going right? It's too bad because we seemed to be having a good time.

 

[SecondHalf]

judgement call

When I go out with women from the internet, you have to feel them out.
This woman's response tells me that you likely should have held off of the kiss until you said goodnight.

Some I'm going for it hot and heavy one hour into the night.
Others, only a kiss on the cheek after an evening.
I've never had the head turn on me when I went for it, so I think I'm on the right track.

Did she look like she wanted to be kissed?

SH

 

[BlueFlyer]

It was about 2 and a half hours into the evening. It seemed towards the end of the date and I was walking her in the direction of home. I put my arm around her as we were walking and pulled her close which she seemed to like. We walked like this for a bit before I made a move. It seemed like the right timing. But you have a good point. And I will also say this- I had more to drink than her so maybe my grip on the whole mood was different than hers. Maybe that's something to think about as well.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Blue Flyer,
First impressions she is a prude....but you have spent a bit of time on her,so maybe give her a second chance,if she carries on like this on the second date,give her the old heave ho.

 

[Tiguere]

Drop her.. There is no chemistry. What was your total money spent? Did she offered to pay?

At 39 shes telling u kissing is too much? What a hag.

 

[Solomon]

Drop her.. There is no chemistry. What was your total money spent? Did she offered to pay?

At 39 shes telling u kissing is too much? What a hag.

LOL

FUnny response, IF I'm not kissing a chick by the 1st date then yeah it's a wrap (but this isn't always absolute)

 

[Colossus]

Personally I never went for the kiss on a first date, as a matter of principle. One could make the argument that you are being the aggressor and 'leading' the date; but in my opinion it's better to let things simmer.

Women's imagination can be your best friend in the beginning. They know very little of you, and assuming there is some baseline attraction both physically and on a conversational level, you truly cannot go too slow. Keep the casual kino going, read her body language, and if the attraction continues to escalate she is practically going to present herself for you to make a move.

Once you make her uncomfortable though, it can be hard to recover. Give her another shot and if she resists again move on.

 

[Desdinova]

The way I see it is that if you don't get a kiss by the end of the second date, she's just your buddy.

There's two ways that the first kiss happens. One is forcing it, which is exactly what you did. She's not comfortable with kissing yet since she's not entirely sure if she wants to continue seeing you.

The other way is showing her an incredibly fun and exciting time, breaking down the kino barrier, and she moves in for the kiss because it feels right.

The MOST important interaction with a woman is the first date. You need to shine or you're not going to get a second date. Even if your second date sucks, a stellar first date will have given you a head start with the woman, and she'll be pretty forgiving because she has already judged you as a 'keeper'.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I...stopped to give her a kiss...she said "too much"

She just laid down the law right there. The frame is hers. It's not going to be any different with sex. She's going to dole it out carefully, like training a dog with treats.

In her mind, she has what you think you need, but all of that is only true in your respective heads. The real truth is that, at 39, she is lucky that any decent guy still even wants to kiss her. If I went through the trouble to take a random middle-aged Internet woman out on a date and she told me that kissing was "too much," I think I'd bray uncontrollable laughter in her face like that was the funniest thing I'd ever heard...because it is!

 

[Iceberg]

There are a lot of old pros giving advice here. But I'm going to go against the grain on this one...

When I'm meeting with an Online chick, I dont push hard for the kiss on the first date. I mean, we're two people who are just meeting for the first time, hanging out for 2-3 hours.

If I got a girl's number at a bar, at least we had 20-60 minutes of face-to-face rapport building before arranging the first date. But when it comes to online, I like to use the first date to see if the girl is cool (aka, not a pyscho), and I imagine the girl wants to see that I'm cool (aka not a serial killer).

I HAVE gone for kisses on first dates. Actually I met an online chick last night, and escalated to a makeout in the bar, and outside in the streets. But that was because we were escalating kino throughout the date. Instinctively, I could feel like we were building up to the kiss. I didn't just put my arm around her and go for it. There was a slow, steady build up.

But generally, on an average "meeting you for the first time ever" online date, I don't push for the kiss. I apply different rules to online dating than I have for real-life dating. Unless my instincts are telling me that this girl wants to be led to a sexual state, I just treat Date#1 as "getting to know you".

 

[Yo'Mama]

For me the key thing here is that she is 39 and you are just 41. As a couple of posters have said she is way lucky that you are even taking her out. Her best days are clearly a long way behind her. At 41 you could legitimately be taking out late 20's or early 30's girls.

For her to play the coy princess, too delicate to be kissed on the first date, is just laughable. She needs a reality check. At 39 how many dozens of ****s has she been through?

Give her one more chance and if she gives you and **** kick that ***** to the kerb. Do you even really want to be dating 39 year olds?

 

[Tony T]

The correct answer is "never move for a kiss on the first date!"

EXCEPTIONS:
-she's giving you the "come and get it" eyes.
-she's wearing the shortest mini-skirt you've seen since you got out of prison...(with No Panties On and she's drunk as Hell).
-she's got a pierced tough, and is constantly looking at your crotch and then back in your eyes.
-she's drunk and blowing hot air into your ear.

That's it!

You perception of this chick was wrong and caused you to make a Grave Error. You'll have to work hard to make up for this. Most women, don't like guys who move too fast...it lowers their value in their eyes. You come on as an Easy Lay...and and Easy Lay for a chick is something she can get ANYTIME.

This is a date...and you as a Man, have to control the tempo. Raise her IL by playing a little hard to get.

 

[Bible_Belt]

never move for a kiss on the first date!

Good luck if that works for you, but I lost a beautiful girl that way once. She felt rejected, and hot girls don't tolerate rejection. I'd rather get rejected myself than strike out looking. And I have, believe me, many times: turned heads, puckered smooch lips...one girl literally cringed like I was molesting her. But all of that was still better than losing that one girl because I didn't try.

 

[window]

Way way too much especially mid date. This is a person you've only known in the flesh for 1 hour and you are assuming a level on intimacy that is completely inappropriate. At least wait till you drop her off and better still give here the space and opportunity to accept a second date. Then go for the kiss but only at the end of the date...

 

[Yo'Mama]

This is clearly a topic which divides opinion.

I have to say in my experience it has worked both ways. Some girls have been totally ok with it and into it. Other girls, well it's basically totally ruined my chances. I guess you have to be good at identifying which girls are more likely to be receptive (I suck at that).

 

[Satin]

I don't think there should be a single rule. Some first dates are "activity" dates where you're interacting, sometimes in multiple settings, etc -- like dinner, drinks at another bar, then dancing at a club, etc. If you have multiple settings and opportunities to do more than just sit across from each other at a restaurant table, then chances are higher you should go for the kiss on the first date. It's really a "feel out the moment" kind of thing when you say goodbye (or earlier, depending on circumstances).

Over the past week, I've been on two very different first dates with girls off of online dating. With Girl #1, we did the "activity" type date, with lots of interaction, playing around, opportunity for kino, etc., and we were making out within an hour of meeting and ended up in bed at her place. The second one was a more "meet for dinner" night, and the way those restaurant tables are setup, we were across the table from each other with limited op for kino. So when I walked her to her car, it would have been awkward to just go in for the kiss without any escalation, so I opted for only a hug and will save the kiss moves for our second date. Sure, there is a chance she may have responded. But it wouldn't have been congruent with the laid back, get to know you style of the rest of the date, and I would think there's a higher chance that it may have killed off the possibility of a second date...either on her part or mine (if she rejected). She's a hot girl and I tend to agree with the "avoid getting lumped in as an easy lay" philosophy. Also, even if she secretly did want me to kiss her, now she's probably wondering if I didn't like her enough. We'll see how it plays out.

One thing I will say is that it does up the ante for the 2nd date. Now that we've established at least an initial compatability, the 2nd date needs to take it further and at least involve a good kiss. There is a balance that needs to be struck between being patient and ending up as just a friend.

Satin

 

[Knight's Cross]

My general rule is if during the date she makes it a point to touch me,I know she'd be open to a kiss I refrain. Builds interest on her part. If I'm not sure she'll kiss I go in for it. If she balks I know she's just not that into me, we didn't build chemistry, etc. I cut my losses there. If she's open to a kiss when I wasn't sure she was, then I'm still in game, she'll usually be impressed at your boldness and you are still good to go.
KC

 

[KarmaSutra]

I take in everything up to the point when I believe a kiss is warranted and will be returned with vigor.

If you take the time to understand the subtleties of her body language, it's not difficult to narrow down when to lay it on her. Or her lay it on you.

Women nowadays aren't as adhering to old traditions as they used to be. Most will give you the scent that they're ready to move to the next phase of the date. When she said "too much", it was a declaration that she's not yet comfortable enough to invite you into her space.

Or your breath smelled like a Porcupine just finished Tae-Bo in your throat. What the hell were you drinking anyway?

 

[azanon]

Disappointing first date

You seem surprised? More times than not, a date won't work out. Finding a person that you like isn't very easy. Keep at it!

My standards are so high these days, I'd probably never remarry if I divorced, and just look for a quick sex fix on occasion. For a more humble perspective, I don't think its that my standards are so high, as it is that so many people have such low standards for themselves these days.

 

[Jeffst1980]

Women will forgive a guy for being overly aggressive if they're having fun; it's as simple as that. You should've tried again later in the night- often, women will deny the first kiss to see how you react. It sounds like you played it cool, so it's possible she would've relented the second time.

If she was fine with you pulling her close to you (i.e. not tensed up), then she was sufficiently attracted. IMO, when a girl ISN'T attracted, her negative body language is EXTREMELY obvious. Most girls, however, do NOT try to kiss you first, or even kino you when they are attracted; they simply become relaxed in your touch. This is how you calibrate the first move.

It sounds like you did this correctly, so I think she was just playing hard to get. You can always ask her out again, but she sounds kind of lame, to be honest.