Die Hard
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2009
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This thread is dedicated to my resolve to become a giant asshole 
My conscience has been overinflated due to my upbringing...but I've been countering this unhealthy development of my personality in the last few years, I've slowly learned to embrace the jerk inside of me.
But the more I embrace the jerk inside of me, the more I realize that I actually want to take it muuuuuuuch further! Until now, it has been a tool...I sometimes let the jerk inside of me take over, in order to accomplish more succes with girls or with other situations in my daily life. However, I am feeling an urge to no longer just use the jerk inside of me sometimes, but rather all the time. An urge to almost become the tool, rather than using the tool.
It reminds me of 'The Dark Side' in the Star Wars movies... When a person who is still part of the light side, gets a little taste of the power that the dark side holds, there is a risk that he will become totally consumed by it and turn over to the dark side completely. Which is not a good thing...
Or is it? ..............I feel like I need to embrace the jerk inside of me COMPLETELY. There is something inside of me, a huge anger that wants to be let out without ANY restriction whatsoever. It's the classical 'Id', from Freud's theory, which does not want to be restrained by the 'super-ego'. A pure, primal urge that just wants to manifest itself without any holding back.
I know perfectly well where this stems from, though. I've been severely damaged in my youth and developed what's called 'complex post traumatic stress disorder'. There's this HUGE sh!tstorm of anger inside of me that would probably turn me into a goddamn mass murderer/serial killer, Adolf Hitler type of person if I just let it out without any restrictions...
Obviously, that's not the plan, lol. But I do feel I want to let it out a looooooot more, and am willing to cross certain boundaries that I would never cross in the past. Boundaries that most normal, decent human beings would never cross, either. And perhaps, most of you other guys on here would condemn me for crossing those boundaries, as well.
But you know what? I DON'T FVCKING CARE!! I feel like I'm a loose cannon and I'm not gonna be kept in check by others. No, I'm gonna fvck some sh!t up HARD! I'm gonna treat some girls or other people like SH!T and I'm not gonna feel one bit of remorse over it.
Actually, I think I might be a goddamn BPD, lol. They also go on a tear and cause a lot of damage on the people in their surroundings...it actually makes them feel GOOD! And I think it will actually make ME feel good, as well. It's just what they do, what they NEED to do, in order to survive psychologically. Well, I have reached a point in life where I feel that I too need to do that, in order to survive psychologically.
The injustice that was done to them, they take out on others. Which is totally unreasonable and totally morally rejectionable. SO WHAT? What the fvck do I care if my behavior is morally objectionable? If the behavior makes me feel good, why shouldn't I carry it out? As long as it doesn't cause me other trouble...
I don't know if I'm even capable of such behavior. It might be that this urge just feels big and unstoppable now but when I actually try to act on it, my conscience will kick in and hold me from it after all. I don't think I'm BPD either, I am too self conscious. They repress so many emotions and thoughts, their whole personality is defined by self deception... They are a true manifestation of George Orwell's 'doublethink':
"To know and not to know, to be conscious of complete truthfulness while telling carefully constructed lies, to hold simultaneously two opinions which cancelled out, knowing them to be contradictory and believing in both of them, to use logic against logic, to repudiate morality while laying claim to it, to forget whatever it was necessary to forget, then to draw it back into memory again at the moment when it was needed, and then promptly to forget it again : and above all, to apply the same process to the process itself. That was the ultimate subtlety: consciously to induce unconsciousness, and then, once again, to become unconscious of the act of hypnosis you had just performed. Even to understand the word " doublethink " involved the use of doublethink."
"Doublethink means the power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them. The Party intellectual knows in which direction his memories must be altered; he therefore knows that he is playing tricks with reality; but by the exercise of doublethink he also satisfies himself that reality is not violated. The process has to be conscious, or it would not be carried out with sufficient precision, but it also has to be unconscious, or it would bring with it a feeling of falsity and hence of guilt. Doublethink lies at the very heart of Ingsoc, since the essential act of the Party is to use conscious deception while retaining the firmness of purpose that goes with complete honesty. To tell deliberate lies while genuinely believing in them, to forget any fact that has become inconvenient, and then, when it becomes necessary again, to draw it back from oblivion for just so long as it is needed, to deny the existence of objective reality and all the while to take account of the reality which one denies - all this is indispensably necessary. Even in using the word doublethink it is necessary to exercise doublethink. For by using the word one admits that one is tampering with reality; by a fresh act of doublethink one erases this knowledge ; and so on indefinitely, with the lie always one leap ahead of the truth."
"an unending series of victories over your own memory."
BPD's are THAT sick, I am not... But I can at least take a big step in that direction, lol. I WANT to take a big step in that direction! Sometimes I play with it, I treat other people (mostly girls) disrespectful and the idea that I can hurt them, that I hold power over them, makes me feel good.
It's a fvckin warzone out there, always has been for me anyway and in a sense it truly is, whether you acknowledge it or not. What's a conscience, anyway? Animals don't have it, humans are the only animals (yes, we're animals too, just some more developed intellectually) that do have it. And what for? Sure, it allows us to combine our powers and create a highly functional society, which would all go to waste if we all lacked a conscience. But hey, if you can bend the rules in your favor and act on your conscience ONLY when it's strictly neccesary, then why wouldn't you?
So yeah, that's what I aspire to do in the near future. We'll see where it leads to, lol. I now am Die Hard with a Vengeance and I'm gonna enjoy being as much of an asshole as possible, as long as it doesn't damage the net sum of happiness in my life.
Enough talking... From now on, I'll use this thread now and then to write down my experiences with this new mindset (primarily aimed at my interactions with women of course.)
My conscience has been overinflated due to my upbringing...but I've been countering this unhealthy development of my personality in the last few years, I've slowly learned to embrace the jerk inside of me.
But the more I embrace the jerk inside of me, the more I realize that I actually want to take it muuuuuuuch further! Until now, it has been a tool...I sometimes let the jerk inside of me take over, in order to accomplish more succes with girls or with other situations in my daily life. However, I am feeling an urge to no longer just use the jerk inside of me sometimes, but rather all the time. An urge to almost become the tool, rather than using the tool.
It reminds me of 'The Dark Side' in the Star Wars movies... When a person who is still part of the light side, gets a little taste of the power that the dark side holds, there is a risk that he will become totally consumed by it and turn over to the dark side completely. Which is not a good thing...
Or is it? ..............I feel like I need to embrace the jerk inside of me COMPLETELY. There is something inside of me, a huge anger that wants to be let out without ANY restriction whatsoever. It's the classical 'Id', from Freud's theory, which does not want to be restrained by the 'super-ego'. A pure, primal urge that just wants to manifest itself without any holding back.
I know perfectly well where this stems from, though. I've been severely damaged in my youth and developed what's called 'complex post traumatic stress disorder'. There's this HUGE sh!tstorm of anger inside of me that would probably turn me into a goddamn mass murderer/serial killer, Adolf Hitler type of person if I just let it out without any restrictions...
Obviously, that's not the plan, lol. But I do feel I want to let it out a looooooot more, and am willing to cross certain boundaries that I would never cross in the past. Boundaries that most normal, decent human beings would never cross, either. And perhaps, most of you other guys on here would condemn me for crossing those boundaries, as well.
But you know what? I DON'T FVCKING CARE!! I feel like I'm a loose cannon and I'm not gonna be kept in check by others. No, I'm gonna fvck some sh!t up HARD! I'm gonna treat some girls or other people like SH!T and I'm not gonna feel one bit of remorse over it.
Actually, I think I might be a goddamn BPD, lol. They also go on a tear and cause a lot of damage on the people in their surroundings...it actually makes them feel GOOD! And I think it will actually make ME feel good, as well. It's just what they do, what they NEED to do, in order to survive psychologically. Well, I have reached a point in life where I feel that I too need to do that, in order to survive psychologically.
The injustice that was done to them, they take out on others. Which is totally unreasonable and totally morally rejectionable. SO WHAT? What the fvck do I care if my behavior is morally objectionable? If the behavior makes me feel good, why shouldn't I carry it out? As long as it doesn't cause me other trouble...
I don't know if I'm even capable of such behavior. It might be that this urge just feels big and unstoppable now but when I actually try to act on it, my conscience will kick in and hold me from it after all. I don't think I'm BPD either, I am too self conscious. They repress so many emotions and thoughts, their whole personality is defined by self deception... They are a true manifestation of George Orwell's 'doublethink':
"To know and not to know, to be conscious of complete truthfulness while telling carefully constructed lies, to hold simultaneously two opinions which cancelled out, knowing them to be contradictory and believing in both of them, to use logic against logic, to repudiate morality while laying claim to it, to forget whatever it was necessary to forget, then to draw it back into memory again at the moment when it was needed, and then promptly to forget it again : and above all, to apply the same process to the process itself. That was the ultimate subtlety: consciously to induce unconsciousness, and then, once again, to become unconscious of the act of hypnosis you had just performed. Even to understand the word " doublethink " involved the use of doublethink."
"Doublethink means the power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them. The Party intellectual knows in which direction his memories must be altered; he therefore knows that he is playing tricks with reality; but by the exercise of doublethink he also satisfies himself that reality is not violated. The process has to be conscious, or it would not be carried out with sufficient precision, but it also has to be unconscious, or it would bring with it a feeling of falsity and hence of guilt. Doublethink lies at the very heart of Ingsoc, since the essential act of the Party is to use conscious deception while retaining the firmness of purpose that goes with complete honesty. To tell deliberate lies while genuinely believing in them, to forget any fact that has become inconvenient, and then, when it becomes necessary again, to draw it back from oblivion for just so long as it is needed, to deny the existence of objective reality and all the while to take account of the reality which one denies - all this is indispensably necessary. Even in using the word doublethink it is necessary to exercise doublethink. For by using the word one admits that one is tampering with reality; by a fresh act of doublethink one erases this knowledge ; and so on indefinitely, with the lie always one leap ahead of the truth."
"an unending series of victories over your own memory."
BPD's are THAT sick, I am not... But I can at least take a big step in that direction, lol. I WANT to take a big step in that direction! Sometimes I play with it, I treat other people (mostly girls) disrespectful and the idea that I can hurt them, that I hold power over them, makes me feel good.
It's a fvckin warzone out there, always has been for me anyway and in a sense it truly is, whether you acknowledge it or not. What's a conscience, anyway? Animals don't have it, humans are the only animals (yes, we're animals too, just some more developed intellectually) that do have it. And what for? Sure, it allows us to combine our powers and create a highly functional society, which would all go to waste if we all lacked a conscience. But hey, if you can bend the rules in your favor and act on your conscience ONLY when it's strictly neccesary, then why wouldn't you?
So yeah, that's what I aspire to do in the near future. We'll see where it leads to, lol. I now am Die Hard with a Vengeance and I'm gonna enjoy being as much of an asshole as possible, as long as it doesn't damage the net sum of happiness in my life.
Enough talking... From now on, I'll use this thread now and then to write down my experiences with this new mindset (primarily aimed at my interactions with women of course.)