Did You Do Better Than Your Ex??

[phil2015]

Essentially, you're the one at the top of her High Score List. You're the one she consciously and subconsciously sees as her soul-mate. Then you dumped her and ruined all her dreams. Women will go one of two ways afterwards. They will either party like crazy and hop onto the c0ck carousel, or they'll pretty much abandon dating altogether.

True. I'd put myself at the top of that list. This wasn't hard considering some of the fck ups, ie she had dated in the past, abusers, drug dealers, low prospect guys etc

When I last spoke to and saw her face-to-face she told me 'she could'nt even imagine being with anyone else right now' and she had been out getting drunk to ease the pain.

She initially left me though....then a week later we gave it a second shot, but she kept blowing up at me so I dumped her.

I don't get why she would walk out considering her previous track-record of low quality men.

 

[soulforge]

Yeah I can tell, like me, you got fixated on her looks and because at the time you thought she was decent looking you wondered what she was doing with you. I know with mine, I began thinking she was 'out of my league' and 'too hot to handle'. However, when I posted a pic of her on here the other week the guys rated her a 4-5, think a 6 at tops. Its all perspective, I genuinely loved her and thought I had met 'the one' or my 'soulmate' which is why I invested so much feeling and emotion into her, and also my I viewed her as a 10.

I literally let her get away with so much chit, things I would never have tolerated if she was a 5 or 6 and things I would never tolerate from another guy.

I ignored the red flags too, even though they were obvious. One such event being her getting drunk, jumping on and slapping me/hair pulling, and then threatening to cut herself when I asked her to leave. I had to call the police to cover my own back.

As you say though, her looks will fade and will suffer inevitable weight gain at some point, and then she will be on her own, especially if she continues on the behavioural path she is on.

You look in serious shape for 42. Whatever you're doing in the gym keep going as its definately working. If you focus on that enough, eventually you'll reach a point where you realise you don't care about her anymore.

As an aside note - 2 weeks before mine left, we shared valentines day together. Bought her flowers, cooked a meal, gave her a promise ring, love dovey stuff etc - 2 weeks later to the day she walked out on me. This bytch had absolutely ZERO empathy towards me, which makes me believe she had a sociopathicic personality as to how she could discard someone so easily. She didn't reach out to me once, before she changed her number and I'm questioning if she ever loved me at all.


Another thing - She did tell me I was the best lover, in best shape, best looking, and made her feel the most secure/happy/content of everyone she had ever dated. She stated whilst we were together that if we ever split she would literally 'give up' as she couldn't best me. I'm hoping she feels the same way about me, as I do towards her

Question for you Soulforge - What was her history with her exes?

Here is the thing man.. she was married for 25 years.. that is a long time in a marriage.



From what I can tell it was a pretty solid marriage.. but he had a couple of affairs, then he eventually left her for another woman..

After he left her.. she went out with a few different guys, and she claimed they where mostly a waste of time.. also it seems she was happy just to be having casual relationships with guys here and there.. thats initially how me and her started.

I saw a picture of her ex husband.. he was a tall looking dude, and over weight... and not even a good looking man.. pretty average looks!

So I used to wonder what she saw in him, to stick around for so long in that marriage.. she claimed he was opinionated man blah blah blah.

You know what my conclusion is?? Status and money..

The dude had some money, and possibly some status..

Plus my ex is pretty financialy stable, and an independent woman.. who used to frequent the bars most of the time..

These type of bishes don't know the meaning of the word commitment.. they are all about the money and status!


Anyhow i saw the pics of your ex girlfriend.. and seriously man, she is not that hot in my opinion..

But you know what, we just wanted a good girl to settle down with.. drama free.. so i am guessing we did not expect her to be a stunning woman, as we looked for other qualities..

As for her just changing her number and leaving you man...

This is how some woman operate.. that love is switched on and off just like that man.. some of these bishes are just not capable of love.

 

[Desdinova]

Does this also apply for cases when she dumped you, but just to crush you because she felt like you were going to dump her first, so she did it herself in an attempt to make it easier for her?

Yes. It's not dependent on who dumps who. She might do it for all kinds of reasons. Her friends or family might not like you and are pressuring her to end the relationship, she might have a momentary (and intense) crush on another guy who ends up having no desire to be with her, etc etc. A woman ultimately shoots herself in the foot when she's the one who causes herself to become an alpha-widow.

 

[phil2015]

Does this also apply for cases when she dumped you, but just to crush you because she felt like you were going to dump her first, so she did it herself in an attempt to make it easier for her?

I had almost dumped her numerous times before this.....ie when she wast starting drama for nothing, constant fighting, accusing me of cheating, trying to make up crazy rules in my house.

You could be right though, the morning after she attacked me she had left and gone for the bus. Until Mr weakazz her rang her and forgave her

 

[Desdinova]

This wasn't hard considering some of the fck ups, ie she had dated in the past, abusers, drug dealers, low prospect guys etc

If she has a lengthy history of dating, it's likely that you're NOT the guy at the top of her high score list.

When I last spoke to and saw her face-to-face she told me 'she could'nt even imagine being with anyone else right now' and she had been out getting drunk to ease the pain.

This is likely her usual coping mechanism when relationships end. You're probably not the first guy she's done this over.

I don't get why she would walk out considering her previous track-record of low quality men.

Because women need an emotional rollercoaster to remain interested in men. If you treated her well, then you were NOT giving her the emotional fluctuation she needed. Sorry dude, but you're most likely not the guy at the top of her list.

 

[Desdinova]

I had almost dumped her numerous times before this.....ie when she wast starting drama for nothing, constant fighting, accusing me of cheating, trying to make up crazy rules in my house.

Women do this when they're not getting enough emotional fluctuation in their lives. In other words, you weren't interesting enough for her. She feels bad because she knows you're a good guy, but she doesn't feel that deep attraction for you that she felt with the drug dealers and other 5hit she dated.

 

[phil2015]

Women do this when they're not getting enough emotional fluctuation in their lives. In other words, you weren't interesting enough for her. She feels bad because she knows you're a good guy, but she doesn't feel that deep attraction for you that she felt with the drug dealers and other 5hit she dated.

Hey, if she's happy to go back to how she was before she met me, then I'm please for her

 

[soulforge]

If she has a lengthy history of dating, it's likely that you're NOT the guy at the top of her high score list.



This is likely her usual coping mechanism when relationships end. You're probably not the first guy she's done this over.



Because women need an emotional rollercoaster to remain interested in men. If you treated her well, then you were NOT giving her the emotional fluctuation she needed. Sorry dude, but you're most likely not the guy at the top of her list.

So they key here is... don't treat them well?

 

[lizardking82]

So they key here is... don't treat them well?

They key is: do not treat them well all the time, endlessly. They get bored by that. Treat them well, than treat them bad. Usually they will give you reasons to treat them "bad", so you don';t have to fake ones. But sometimes, fake some just for the sake of it, too.

 

[stovepipe]

So they key here is... don't treat them well?

Correct. You gotta have a certain balance of nice and azzhole. That of course comes with experience in which I'm still learning. Haven't you noticed how girls who are being treated like chit stay with their men longer than those who are too nice? I know a handful of guys who treat their ladies like crap, but they stay. Are the women truly happy....NO! But they just cant seem to leave until something like cheating happens. Even then they still tend to end up wanting the guy back and in most cases do. If there is one thing I wish I applied to my last relationship was to have been more of an azzhole who showed her less attention and affection. The more you reject, the more they obsess.

To answer the question of what this thread is about. I don't think I could do better than my ex in terms of looks, good sex and sweet gestures, but Im more than sure I could do better in terms of trusting and respect.

 

[soulforge]

Correct. You gotta have a certain balance of nice and azzhole. That of course comes with experience in which I'm still learning. Haven't you noticed how girls who are being treated like chit stay with their men longer than those who are too nice? I know a handful of guys who treat their ladies like crap, but they stay. Are the women truly happy....NO! But they just cant seem to leave until something like cheating happens. Even then they still tend to end up wanting the guy back and in most cases do. If there is one thing I wish I applied to my last relationship was to have been more of an azzhole who showed her less attention and affection. The more you reject, the more they obsess.

To answer the question of what this thread is about. I don't think I could do better than my ex in terms of looks, good sex and sweet gestures, but Im more than sure I could do better in terms of trusting and respect.

Yes i fully agree with you man.. but sometimes this can backfire, if she is a strong independent confident woman..

That kinda woman probably will not put up with chit..

But the principal is correct.. fuk being nice.. yes occasionally show effection, occasionally give them your time, but overall be an azzhole.

Let her down from time to time.. make time for your friends and family over her..

Never fully give yourself to her... the only problem is, if you fall in love with that chick.. this kind of distance from her will be hard to contain..

I suppose its all about self control and thinking with your head instead of your heart.

 

[JonnyD123]

This is your confidence being tarnished after being gas-lighted, discarded and having all of the blame put on you by your Narc/BPD ex. I know this because I'm in exactly the same position but I'm starting to see the truth for what it is.....

"And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free" - John 8:32

Look at it this way, you managed to get with your 'hot' ex before you started all of the self-improvement, caused by the break up. Just imagine who you'll be able to attract when you've continued improving. Try to see things from a future perspective when you've completely unleashed your potential. Say 6 months, a year or even 2 years from now.

I was thinking the same thing about 'never being able to get a girl as hot as her again' yet after my first night at the gym last night I encountered women she isn't even on the same scale as. Believe me!!

Also please consider that looks-wise a woman may be a 9 or 10, but from now on if she starts exhibiting any traits of BPD, Narc, lack of respect etc she is instantly going to drop to a 1 or 2 immediately. This whole experience for me has resulted in a complete change of how I view things, rather than thinking with my dik and heart, I'll be thinking with my head from now on

Take heart. Adapt. Its her who's damaged, not you

I'm really glad to see this from you phil. Turning things around, good for you.

 

[phil2015]

I'm really glad to see this from you phil. Turning things around, good for you.

Thank you I cant wait to see how things work out for me 6 months or a year from now. By that point when I've developed in the gym, moved on, done exciting things I could never have done before I hope to look back with the attitude of "my ex aint chit"

I look at things from this perspective now. My ex, at least from my own perspective (Very Important point) was hot in my eyes, which is why I got fixated on her and slightly obsessed after she dumped me. I experienced the usual self-depricating thoughts of 'I can't do better', which combined by the love-bombing she showered me with got me addicted. Built up a fantasy. However, I have felt them with some of those thoughts after other relationships I've experienced have ended. Its simply a temporary state of mind, combined with withdrawal from a set routine. From life I've realised that however good something may seem, there's always something better around the corner potentially.

For example - when I quit smoking (20 a day) I found it one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, suffered insomia, hallucinations, depressions, bleeding teeth etc - Now 3 years later I cannot imagine smoking a cigarette ever again in my life. Sometimes the pain/fear/upset is what brings the benefit in the long term, even if that is hidden from view at the time.

My second point I've come to realise, is that my ex, at the age of 36 has completely fulfilled her potential. And I mean totally, believe me I know her. She has completely developed into the full extent of her persona. This is simply who she is, she wont alter, improve or follow any ambition, whatever she is she is doing it 100% now. If any man dares go near her again, the relationship cycle she experienced with me will repeat, until either he dumps her for or she finds someone she perceives as a better supply. She was like this with other men before me, and she will do it after me.

By contrast, I feel this experience has been an awakening for me, and I'm choosing to view it as one. I'm seeing other paths, opportunities and lines of development opening up in front of me, to see if I can live out my full potential. I'll follow my ambition, pursue my goals and become the best possible version of myself.

 

[soulforge]

You're right. I taught her this by not kicking her to the curb or going ghost when she pulled crazy chit.

Should have thrown her out then and there when she raised her hand to me

Well I actually dumped my ex on her Birthday for disrespecting me.. this was 3 months into the relationship..

You would have thought she would have learnt from that.. i even ghosted her a couple of times for chitty behaviour..

But some woman cannot change who they are...

The only thing you can do is walk away, as soon as you see those flags.. the longer you stay the more damaged you will become..

 

[phil2015]

The only thing you can do is walk away, as soon as you see those flags.. the longer you stay the more damaged you will become..

Exactly.....I am curious as to why it is difficult to get over these chick with BPD? They are addictive

I don't even know if it does boil down to just looks and freaky sex

 

[stovepipe]

Exactly.....I am curious as to why it is difficult to get over these chick with BPD? They are addictive

I don't even know if it does boil down to just looks and freaky sex

It's the Jezebel spirit.

 

[soulforge]

Seems like the majority of djs on here managed you get an even better looking chick, than there Ex.. upgrade

Those who downgraded a little, probably found a woman who was easier to get along with.. no entitlement and drama!

This again gives me hope!

 

[sazc]

IMO my ex is an ex for a reason and I dont care who they get with next because, hot or not, whomever comes along next had to deal with the bullchit that I purposefully left behind.
If they do find someone whom is symbiotic with their personality I am really happy for them and wish them luck and love.
Never compare. Have empathy and wish the best for them.