Did I sound bitter when this girl flaked or just straightforward and to the point?

[alpha_ash]

You could have convinced her to come over and blow you. You do that, you can start a thread called "Here's how to deal with a flake."

Haha, good point. I'll keep the title of this post

Are you spinning any other plates? It seems like you're telegraphing to this girl that she's the only one.

Saying you have to be up for work at 6 am doesn't seem congruent since you originally were going to go out with her that evening before she cancelled. It comes across as a weak excuse.

I'm confused why others think going NC after the "Why not" would have been preferable, that seems like it would make her think you truly were bitter about it.

You could have:

1. gone NC instead of your last 2 texts

2. waited a couple hours then text back "I ended up making other plans, you have fun. 8:36 PM" or "Out already, have fun. 8:36 PM"

3. Saved that text for the next day "Counldn't get back to you last night, I ended up making other plans, hope you had fun."

Great advice! I'll keep it in mind for future reference.

1. She has called me out previously when I go NC, annoying *****! She thinks I am angry if I don't respond and ignore her text.

2. When I text her, its very rare that she makes me wait. I treat people the way they treat me. Often, I'll take the extra steps initially but if their response is not appropriate, then they get no more attention from me.

3. I actually did make other plans to go out to the movies. I didn't want to say that though because I wanted it to be a slap in the face because she initially texted to cancel because of "next morning" stuff. Well, I did the same.

 

[Smell The Glove]

Great advice! I'll keep it in mind for future reference.

1. She has called me out previously when I go NC, annoying *****! She thinks I am angry if I don't respond and ignore her text.

2. When I text her, its very rare that she makes me wait. I treat people the way they treat me. Often, I'll take the extra steps initially but if their response is not appropriate, then they get no more attention from me.

3. I actually did make other plans to go out to the movies. I didn't want to say that though because I wanted it to be a slap in the face because she initially texted to cancel because of "next morning" stuff. Well, I did the same.

You're allowing her to set the frame.
In each point you react to her.

1. She doesn't like it that you go NC, so you don't go NC
2. She doesn't make you wait, so you don't make her wait. You're not leading, you're following.
3. She had next morning stuff so instead of saying you made other plans you said you had next morning stuff.

Treating others the way they treat you sounds good at first glance, but it’s following, not leading.
It looks a lot like ‘The Golden Rule’:treat others the way you would like to be treated. It's reversed though, more like eye for an eye
Be the leader, she'll either follow, or she won't.
If you respond to her texts regardless of being out and having fun etc. you're essentially putting her on a pedestal.

I actually think you are bitter about it, but you're pretending not to be in order to not offend her, or to appear in control.

Maybe you're right to be bitter. Maybe you should tell her you think she was being a ***** to jerk you around on friday. At least then you'd come across as congruent with your true emotions.

Or maybe not, just food for though.

 

[alpha_ash]

You're allowing her to set the frame.
In each point you react to her.

1. She doesn't like it that you go NC, so you don't go NC
2. She doesn't make you wait, so you don't make her wait. You're not leading, you're following.
3. She had next morning stuff so instead of saying you made other plans you said you had next morning stuff.

Treating others the way they treat you sounds good at first glance, but it’s following, not leading.
It looks a lot like ‘The Golden Rule’:treat others the way you would like to be treated. It's reversed though, more like eye for an eye
Be the leader, she'll either follow, or she won't.
If you respond to her texts regardless of being out and having fun etc. you're essentially putting her on a pedestal.

I actually think you are bitter about it, but you're pretending not to be in order to not offend her, or to appear in control.

Maybe you're right to be bitter. Maybe you should tell her you think she was being a ***** to jerk you around on friday. At least then you'd come across as congruent with your true emotions.

Or maybe not, just food for though.

You are right. I am bitter and I never said I wasn't. But isn't the whole point of it to come off as uncaring even if you care? That's the goal isn't it? Or at least the first step in reaching a point where you really don't give a ****!

But you bring up a great argument about the "treat others the way you want to be treated." It is flawed in some relationships, but in many cases it applies, especially when you aren't sexually interested in the person. When i meet someone new, I set the frame. sometimes those people improve it by being even nicer to me while very rarely they give me ****. i respond accordingly. I suppose this is one of the things I need to work on and be able to differentiate who deserves to be treated really well and who doesn't.

Thank you to all that have contributed here. After reading your posts I feel that I have learned a few new things. I will work to incorporate them into my daily life!

 

[alpha_ash]

Update 4/12/2013

UPDATE 4/12/2013

Woke up this morning and a little later got a text message from this girl:

She: Do you wanna do something tonight? 8:26 AM

LOL, I already have plans for tonight so I'm going to tell her "Can't, I have plans for tonight." However, I'm not going to make a counter-offer.

 

[Velor]

UPDATE 4/12/2013

Woke up this morning and a little later got a text message from this girl:

She: Do you wanna do something tonight? 8:26 AM

LOL, I already have plans for tonight so I'm going to tell her "Can't, I have plans for tonight." However, I'm not going to make a counter-offer.

Wait a second dude, aren't you interested in this girl? You acted perfectly before but i'd suggest you to not push too much..
True you already have plans, you could think about integrate her in them
My two cents

 

[alpha_ash]

Wait a second dude, aren't you interested in this girl? You acted perfectly before but i'd suggest you to not push too much..
True you already have plans, you could think about integrate her in them
My two cents

You're right, I am interested. But I can't integrate her into these plans specifically. I'm spending the evening with my best friend (actually cousin) and his wife. Also, other cousins may join us so can't invite a random girl to a family hangout.

any other ideas? I don't know if I want to make a counter-offer because this girl fails at long-term plans.

 

[Velor]

You're right, I am interested. But I can't integrate her into these plans specifically. I'm spending the evening with my best friend (actually cousin) and his wife. Also, other cousins may join us so can't invite a random girl to a family hangout.

any other ideas? I don't know if I want to make a counter-offer because this girl fails at long-term plans.

Go with a short-term counter-offer. Just to reassure her you are not angry or else, here we all know that you are chillin, but girls overthink situations and often they apply their mindset to other people, meaning she could think you are acting this way because of her recent behaviour(when she got ego-slapped GG man). Don't fall in a trap where she will draw wrong outcomes out of your actions
:yes:

 

[alpha_ash]

Go with a short-term counter-offer. Just to reassure her you are not angry or else, here we all know that you are chillin, but girls overthink situations and often they apply their mindset to other people, meaning she could think you are acting this way because of her recent behaviour(when she got ego-slapped GG man). Don't fall in a trap where she will draw wrong outcomes out of your actions
:yes:

Alright, I don't know what to counter-offer though. I have plans for tomorrow during day and then night too. Doing more family stuff tomorrow during the day and then going clubbing with one of my friends at night after the family stuff. Sunday I don't really like to go out and weeknights I go to the gym and like to get good sleep. The earliest counter-offer I would be able to make is next Friday.

Anything else you can think of?

 

[Velor]

Alright, I don't know what to counter-offer though. I have plans for tomorrow during day and then night too. Doing more family stuff tomorrow during the day and then going clubbing with one of my friends at night after the family stuff. Sunday I don't really like to go out and weeknights I go to the gym and like to get good sleep. The earliest counter-offer I would be able to make is next Friday.

Anything else you can think of?

What I would do, but I aint no DJ(just workin on it) is inviting her to the clubbing tomorrow, ask your friend to bring a girl with him and have fun with that.

Then even if she declines the offer you showed your intentions and you are free from misunderstandings, you are a busy guy, she will have to take the ticket and wait till Friday.

 

[Lord Hypnos]

Alright, I don't know what to counter-offer though. I have plans for tomorrow during day and then night too. Doing more family stuff tomorrow during the day and then going clubbing with one of my friends at night after the family stuff. Sunday I don't really like to go out and weeknights I go to the gym and like to get good sleep. The earliest counter-offer I would be able to make is next Friday.

Anything else you can think of?

you could give her the 'returning fox' treatment. basically you are hard lining her by going direct, or else she can GTFO. For example, you reply 'busy until next Friday. but you can come over then and bring a movie and some beer', or something direct like that.

the point of returning fox is that she is crawling back to you so you have the power in the relationship!

It's a take it or leave it approach and it only works if you are 100% willing to cut her off entirely

 

[alpha_ash]

you could give her the 'returning fox' treatment. basically you are hard lining her by going direct, or else she can GTFO. For example, you reply 'busy until next Friday. but you can come over then and bring a movie and some beer', or something direct like that.

the point of returning fox is that she is crawling back to you so you have the power in the relationship!

It's a take it or leave it approach and it only works if you are 100% willing to cut her off entirely

I decided to invite her out to the bar and club with me tomorrow night

 

[Lord Hypnos]

I decided to invite her out to the bar and club with me tomorrow night

that's all fine and dandy, but didn't you originally say this in your OP:

" I don't plan to get in touch with her unless she initiates. Even then, I won't give her a date because of this BS."

How are you going to get her to blow you at a loud club and bar?

 

[alpha_ash]

that's all fine and dandy, but didn't you originally say this in your OP:

" I don't plan to get in touch with her unless she initiates. Even then, I won't give her a date because of this BS."

How are you going to get her to blow you at a loud club and bar?

Hahaha, maybe I'll change plans tomorrow and say, "Something came up."

 

[Who Dares Win]

Op I believe the club idea is not the best option, so a girl which is pissed off at you and bvtthurt has the chance to drop you at the club or flirt with other guys near you while your friend see? I wouldnt risk it.

You had a solid frame while at the same time she was in "ego debt", if I were you I would have gone with the bold move of inviting her at your place for the reason that you have the upper hand now plus she needs to do something to save her ego and flaking simply doesnt work for her in such situation.

An invite to come to your place supported by your strong frame and with an uncaring attitude would have done wonder.

Anyway let us now what happened later on and good luck.

 

[alpha_ash]

Neither of us have our own place unfortunately. I'm starting medical school in September so living at home right now with parents. She is living with her family. She resumes her classes next semester in a different country.

I am going to Europe and another continent so ill be traveling for 3 months. I am almost certain I won't ever see this girl again.

 

[lamobatsman]

Op I believe the club idea is not the best option, so a girl which is pissed off at you and bvtthurt has the chance to drop you at the club or flirt with other guys near you while your friend see? I wouldnt risk it.

so true and it happened to me this!!^^

 

[alpha_ash]

The great thing is my game is A+ at the club. I make girls do some crazy **** and get high fives from other dudes while I'm grinding and playing with the girl haha. So if at any point I feel things aren't going my way, I will control the situation and end the club night. Also I have absolutely no trouble finding women to dance with at clubs so if she does talk to another guy, ill go on the dance floor and grind with other hot girls. It's never a loss for me at the club because I always have fun!

I wish I could have someone video tape my interactions at the club. It's pretty f'n magical. You would almost think its a scripted tv show and these girls are getting paid to do the kind of **** I make them do haha

 

[Tyler FC]

I wish I could have someone video tape my interactions at the club. It's pretty f'n magical. You would almost think its a scripted tv show and these girls are getting paid to do the kind of **** I make them do haha

Then do it , show us some magic

 

[Blistex]

Zarky, how could I have handled this situation in a better way aside from not responding to her "why not" question?

I agree with others who have said it probably would have been best not to answer her question but it's a moot point and not something to worry about. However, I think you handled it really well. She wanted to see if you would give her control of the frame but you kept her at bay and refused to let her take it.

Nicely done!