Did I make a bad choice?

[phloyd]

Ok, this is the deal. I'm going to rent out a room in my house to my ex wife.

Now I know you're probably saying to yourself "what the hell is this guy thinking?" however, let me explain some details.

At this point in time things are going pretty well for me as far as getting dates in addition to general self improvement. My ex and I get along well and we split up on good terms. There is truely no oneits or hung upness on my part towards her.

I agreed to this situation for two reasons.
1- I live alone in a three bedroom house. I've been looking for a while to get a roomate to help out with the expenses and general house cleaning etc.

2- She is in a bind. She lives with her boyfriend currently that she broke up with this past weekend. Her boyfriend owns a business and she works for him as well. So at this point she has nowhere to go and she has no job.

Ok so at first I thought this would be no big deal, I'm just helping out a friend and myself out at the same time but the more I think about it, I wonder if I'm just seting myself up for trouble.

Give me some opinions of what you think of this situation.

 

[Phrozen]

Don't you think it will be wierd taking dates home and when they ask about your female roomate you just say don't worry thats just my ex-wife?

I don't see a problem other then that, as long as she contributes her share.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Yes, you are setting yourself up. However sense you've already committed yourself, lay out an agreement of exactly how long you are going to extend your hospitality. This way you will know exactly how long you will have to endure any disruptions in your life caused by this.

 

[phloyd]

Update on this situation

Well, it seems I've gotten myself into a weird position and I'm at a crossroads at what I should do now. Before she moved in, my roomate offered to do some home improvement tasks before moving in - in exchange for the first two months rent.

This was fine as far as I was concerned and everything was going well at this point. So about a week before she moves in she meets a guy. Now I have no problem with this because as I said before I don't have feelings for her in a romantic kind of way.

However, this guy spent the night for at least the first five nights when she first moved in. Now it's one thing if she is seeing some dude and I don't have to be around it, but when its happening in the bedroom next to yours, thats another issue.

Plus, it gets worse, his van breaks down in my driveway and leaks oil all over the place. At this point I told her she had to move out because of all the reasons above and that I didn't need two roomates.

She said she wouldn't let him stay the night here and the van would be gone soon. So he stopped sleeping over and the van was gone so I didn't bring the issue up again.

Over the next month they broke up and got back together twice. However, within the last week he has slept over three times. Now I thought that this would not bother me but it does.

The only reason that I'm not kicking her out at this point is that-

1- She still hasn't got a job yet

2- She has a large credit card debt with my name as the primary holder, so ever though it's all her deal I'm ultimately responsible.

What would you do if you were in this situation?

 

[Big Pappy]

Sir,
I don't know how I missed this post - I would have advised you to draw up a rental agreement, with her having no overnight guests.

Now, you're in the soup. The credit card - you might as well contact the creditors, find out the balance, pay it off (with her rent money if/when she pays it), and cut the card into tiny pieces. If the divorce is final, that should have been done anyway!

If you're ultimately responsiible for the card, suck it up, pay it off and be done with it.

Her overnight guests. No doubt, the fellow shagging your ex is taking showers as well.

If you guys are still "friends", you need to just tell her that you agreed to help her out, but the "guests" aren't part of the deal, until she starts paying half the rent. I'm sure they can go shag in his car at lookout point or something, if he has no place to stay.

Your objective is to build equity in your house on her money, not watch your property value go down the tubes because of some beat up old van.

If I had seen your post earlier, I would have told you to avoid this woman at all costs, unless you had a child together.

 

[Legend]

man...i would be so pissed.....she is fvcking some dude in the next room over from yours. What are you thinking....pay up those credit card bills with her rent money like big pappy said and than toss that lost cause out. You say you are friends? Some friend she is to you. She gets the full benefit of you and what do you get? What do you get? You get her fvcking some other guy in your own house! C'mon man.....if money is not a problem for you, i say pay up the debt and kick her a$$ out. Have that other guy help her...after all he is the one getting the tail.

 

[NewMan]

My ex and I get along well and we split up on good terms. There is truely no oneits or hung upness on my part towards her.

Now it's one thing if she is seeing some dude and I don't have to be around it, but when its happening in the bedroom next to yours, thats another issue.

Let this be a lesson. No matter how 'over her' you think you are, when she's fvcking someone else in your face is quite different.

Really what were you thinking allowing her to move in?

There are plenty of people out there looking for a place to live.

 

[Luckylove]

I agree

I know this might be a little late to post this since you had your post up a while.

I would advise not to let your ex-wife be your roomie. I don't know your ex-wife well, but I would find it awkard and strange if I was living with, theortically, my ex-husband. I am sure the first few weeks or maybe even months, you guys would be cool. But sooner or later, the shyt would hit the fan.

But then again it depends what kind of person your ex-wife was when she was your wife. You never know. Some exes still have issues even though it appears they don't.

I would think about it. What if one night, your bring a date over, and she snaps. What are you going to do? I am being serious.

I know that she needs a place to stay, and she is in a tight bind, but you must think about what will happen if you two guys are roomie. You may face uncomfortable situations and positions, and down the road you might regret. My opinion, but do what you need to do.

LL

 

[DankNuggs]

I have one word for you: LIABILITY

Mental Liability: She flips out when you bring a date home, you flip out going to sleep hearing her headboard rocking the wall. You live in a perpetually dubious situation

FInancial Liability: She is obviously not a responsible person taking care of her situation. Thats her perogative working for boyfriends, and getting by on favors for people she spread her legs for. However, she leveraging this to take advantage of you because "she was in a bind." You've heard the term "Never mix money and friends." Theres a reason.

Spiritual Liability: So your obviously a good person who cares for your ex as a person, perhaps not romantically, but at least as a good friend. She is stressing you mentally and financially, and it will take its toll on you. There is no reason for you to take the fall

Suggestion: Sit down with her, and explain that while you love helping out your friends, this circus she has going on isn't what you were looking for. Give her a month to get things together and move out. Wish her well, and put out an ad for a roomate. You put yourself in a situation you shouldn't have been in...

My take is if she put on sexy lingerie everynight and knocked on your door hoping for a cuddle buddy, you would be far happier with the situation. If so, read the bible. If not, disregard, but the above advice still rings true.


gl

 

[NewMan]

2- She has a large credit card debt with my name as the primary holder, so ever though it's all her deal I'm ultimately responsible.

Oh, and you need to get this sorted ASAP. Cut up the card and arrange some way of paying it off.

Shes' your ex. As soon as she is your ex - you no longer pay for any of her sh#t. Period. Thats the way it is. Your no longer her emotional or financial tampon.

If there's is one thing that you do, is you make sure you no longer pay for her sh#t.

 

[JJMcLure]

I thought this was a joke the first time I read it. Yes you made a mistake.

Talk about AFC behaviour, your ex wife is living in your house, has run up a huge credit card bill in your name, is bringing a guy round your house to live, is getting fvcked in the room next to yours, and the guy is dropping oil over your drive. Plus she has successfully made you concerned over taking care of her personal wellbeing and looking out for her problems. You are being taken advantage of.

What must this other guy think of you? He must think youre a major chump.

She disrespected you by letting the guy stay over 3 times after you told her no. That's not even once, like they got all hot and horny and went to sleep after after fvcking. It's like a teenager pushing to see what they can get and see if you'll complain again or just suck it up.

She must like the fact she can still get you to support her and look out for her despite the divorce. (No matter what terms you're on - it's just a subconcious female success measure to be able to get a guy to do that).

This can only go downhill. You are on good terms now? You won't be after a while.

I don't see how you can move on with your life in this situation.

Put a time limit on her staying and stick to it e.g. a month. Set a specific date and mark it down on a visible calendar so that she understands it will not/has not fallen out of mind as time passes. Don't base it on something out of your control e.g. until she gets a job. Otherwise things like this drag on and on and you will fall into a rut.

As for the card bill, you might have to end up paying it yourself. Don't let the balance be an excuse for letting her outstay her welcome in the hope she pays it off. You should have already cancelled the card.

 

[NatureGuy]

My opinion: big mistake. There are so
many potential problems and complexities
here I wouldn't know where to begin commenting ! (great thesis for a doctoral dissertation though I bet )
If you want to help her a little, do so, but
not with her moving into your house. I'm
sure there are plenty of other potential room
renters available (just be sure to draw up
some sort of written agreement as Pappy
mentions)

 

[Zossima]

Seeing as you have 3 bedrooms maybe you should let your ex-mother in law move in also.

What the heck were you thinking!!!! I suggest you get rid of her right away and have nothing to do with her again and let your brain unfreeze.

 

[Knicknack]

wtf were you thinking? kick this dirty fvckin broad to the curb. wtf is she doing fvckin some guy that drives a van? i didn't even know vans were still around. i thought the cops impounded all of them because they are cesspools for pedophilia.

 

[phloyd]

Update number two

Well, about 30 minutes after I posted last night, my ex came home and we had a talk. The guy will not be staying the night anymore. We disscussed that and a few other issues that could potentially become problems. Overall I'm feeling much better about that situation.

About the credit card problem. There are a few things I need to clairify. First- the credit card goes back to when we were married. In the divorce decree, the debt is divided in that she is responsible for that credit card debt. This was two years ago untill a couple of months ago, the credit card company called me saying she missed a payment and that if they didn't receive a payment by the end of the week it would mess up my credit.
second-
Up to this point, I had no idea of the situation. All the other credit card companies let her put hte cards in her name that she was responsible however this one would not fo some reason. I think legally she is responsible, I just have to clear this up with the credit card company by sending them a copy of the divorce decree.

Ok, another thing I would like say about the living situation pryor to our divorce. For the last year we were married (we were married four years and were bf/gf for five years before that) we basicly living together like roomates. Is it possible to be too desperate while being married ? I think so because we rarely had sex. However that was before I discovered this site and for the most part have corrected my major AFC habbits.

There are also a few possitives I left out in that she is doing most all the house cleaning, my laundry etc.

One reason that I agreed to this whole deal is that lately I've been trying to put myself in awkward situations. This can be anything you may have never done before that you were to embaressed to do or just social situations that you found uncomforatable or were too scarred to do (like asking a girl out in front of her freinds).

My thinking on this is that eventually, theres not much that would bother you or no situation that you couldn't deal with. You would get harder and tougher so to speak.

anyway, thanks for all the opinions and advice. I've been asking my freinds what they think and most give a sugar coated answer. I knew I would get some honest and straightforward answers here. Feel free to let me know what you think.