Did I go wrong with meeting with ex?

[an_old_rusty_master]

Sorry long post but how would have any of you guys have played it, honestly?

In a nutshell,

I was in a 6 year relationship which ended 6 months ago when she left me for what I heard was a man 18 years older than her (she's 26) and has a couple of teenage kids.
Now lets clear this up, I am, at the risk of getting slapped down for this, an allegedly above average looking guy, she is an above average looking girl, of model quality.

Now this guy interviews her 6 months ago and does not give her the job but then has the cheek to ask her out for a drink where he pays her millions of complements and then she just says one day I am leaving you, I had no face to look at the enemy was hidden.

Now the relationship was rocky at the time as I was thinking we needed a break to find ourselves and see how it goes but I was not expecting this.

NC was employed, I never asked for her back, there was some stupid bit sof contact between us but I have never cried or begged, where she has tried to brag, invite me to his (big house) and said things that were really provoking, like giving me gory details.

Lets fast forward, I saw her and him together in a bar for the first time Saturday night, she panicked and told him to wait where he was as she was worried I was going to storm over and headbut him, she came over and hugged me and I saw him standing on his own looking submissive, to give the impression I was in control and I was above them, I then waved him over and patted him on the back and gave him a handshake, thats far as it went from me. But this guy when I saw him, after all the rumours I had heard from people on his appearence I was nearly sick. He was seriously awful, he was a short armed and legged fat old man, he was horrific as had been described, there was absoutely nothing, my ex look terrible next to him, this guy who had left his wife and kids did not deserve this, it was amazing to see something so ugly next to something so pretty.
Yes he's rich and settled, two large houses etc but there you go.

Now this where I think it may have gone wrong, I don't know.

I had a drink with her Monday which we had pre-arranged (this has onlt heppened twice before in 6 months.
Well it went ok, but as we were walking home together the truth some how poured out of my mouth, I could not hold it in anymore,
I said what the h*** are you doing? he is discusting, he's a dwarf, and yes I could not hit someone like that, I felt way too sorry for him to hit him. I also said things along the line of, you did not respect me when I was nice to you so I don't care if you do not respect me when I am not nice to you, I don't want you back because of not only what you did but I find you sexually unattractive now I have seen you with this bit of rubbish,
She said he had a brilliant personallity and an incredible life and I said so did the Elephantman.
I said also you used to look an exotic beauty but now you just look like a Russian mail order bride. I said a lot more than this too.
She hated me saying I did not find her attrative anymore and that I found him very unflattering toward me.

I genuinly believed I would join her in looking upto and respecting this guy.
Seriously some of this stuff this girl has done to me in rubbing my nose in everythin since we split has maed me feel justified in letting it all out, bringing her down with a bang.

Now she asked why I was trying to hurt her, and she left to go around his nearly in tears.

My objective, very vindictive as it seems, to see her and him split up, as payback for his slimeyness whilst I was still with her (text messages) for him taking advantage of a vunerable woman from a long term relationship, which could have been sorted out ammicably, now I can't not even look at photos or anything of our past. For his serious lack of respect, I want him to feel pain and I want her to feel pain for putting me through emotional hell.

My perfect world, she begs me back and says sorry for everything
and I tell her to clear off.

(she called me up after our last meeting declaring her love)

Now I know you are not supposed to run down the ex's new partner, but I hope I have induced a real self conciousness, about who she is with and that I am not impressed.

It really has been as if she has been seeking my approval or trying to prove he i better than me by inviting me to a party at his big house, trying to talk about his job ( I still believe mine is better).


How would any of you Don Juans handle your love rival and your ex tried to make out they are better than you for it.

The fact that I hurt her the other night with what I said, sounded a change in direction. I feel bad for it but that was always my problem, saying sorry and feeling bad for everything I did.

 

[joekerr31]

shes a *****.
she dumps you then flaunts this guy in front of you. when you call him a loser she runs off crying.

here's the problem man, your desire to have her want you again so that YOU can reject her isn't going to work in your favor.

You're dealing with a chick that you can't hurt, because she's already as hurt as she can get but you just don't see that. Think about it, she's already self destructing her life. The only reason she still talks with you is that she wants to keep you there as a future option. She knows that what she is doing is destined to blow up in her face, and when it does, she still wants to have a door open with you again.

this girl has no sense of self worth. she'll bounce to whatever male will have her. if multiple guys will have her, then she'll pick the one that will give her the most.

id really advise against the 'get her back to reject her' line of thinking. the fact that you are posting about her tells me that she's already messing up your mind.

you need to cut her loose from your life completely and be thankful you got ride of such a *****.

then pick up the pieces and go exploring life again. sure, you spent 6 years of your life with her. are you going to waste the next 6 by having her around in your life? whether you realize it or not, her drama and garbage is now influencing your perspective on life.

cut all ties with this one.

J

 

[Evangenlion]

EMotional HeLL!! haha
Okay, revenge never does anyone any good. joekerr is right, u have to cut all ties with her and MoVe on.

You've done nothing wrong, but if u follow the path u have ploted out for yourself, u will end up doing allot of wrong.

Leave her now. Stop wasting time on her and spend some quality time finding the next girl, your now better and smarter cus of the relationship you had with miss 6 years. the next girl will be an improvement becuase now u are Wiser.

 

[NewMan]

My objective, very vindictive as it seems, to see her and him split up, as payback for his slimeyness whilst I was still with her (text messages) for him taking advantage of a vunerable woman from a long term relationship, which could have been sorted out ammicably, now I can't not even look at photos or anything of our past. For his serious lack of respect, I want him to feel pain and I want her to feel pain for putting me through emotional hell.

My perfect world, she begs me back and says sorry for everything

(she called me up after our last meeting declaring her love)

It seems to me, that the biggest revenge that you can inact on her and him is to do NOTHING.

Listen, let her believe that what she has now (fake love for money, power - whatever you want to call it) was worth it.

In 5 yrs time she will wake up next to an old man. She will slip into her brand new convertable Jag. and realize that it's wasn't worth her while.

Meanwhile, you've moved on - lived the DJ life, have lived life on your terms - and reached the goals you have set for yourself. She will look on at your life and wonder why she made the biggest mistake of her life - trapped in a world where she no longer wants to be.


My story:

5 yr. relationship with a f'ing hottie. We split. She meet a guy - short term fling - then through work met another dude. ended movign in with him after 6 months - married within 14 months.

She did the same sh#t to me - went into graffic detail about her guys - but all the while could not (and still can not) stop talking to me. The old - I miss you, I want to see you deal.

Now I wonder how I could have felt so strongly, for a owman so weak.

I've become so much more since I've left her - and will be so much more.

To her last comment to me of "Do you want to see a picture of him?" (her fiance) my reply - "I don't need to - I already know that I'm more than he could ever be".


Live the DJ life - and never look back.

 

[WestCoaster]

Next!

I've said it once, I've said it a million times -- MOVE ON!

The biggest fault of this board are men hanging on to women who have dumped them or aren't worth it in the first place. Trust me, I've made the same, stupid, AFC mistakes and have deeply regretted them.

I didn't get through all the details of your post, but when I got to the point where she dumped you in a heartbeat because some geezer dished out the compliments ... sheesh, that was it for me.

If a women is displaying bad qualities and throwing up red flags in the dating process, those bad qualities will only heighten and the red flags will only increase during a marriage.

Put on those track shoes and run while you can! You've been given a gift, I suggest you open it.

Now knock it off with that oneitis!

 

[WestCoaster]

Epic, Maximus

... a freaking epic post. You said it all, good job. For all the B.S. that happens on the sosuave message boards, it's posts like Maximus' that make the reading worthwhile.

 

[an_old_rusty_master]

You are validating yourself to her. You see, on this site, we get chicks to validate themselves to us, not the other way around. Every time you compare yourself to him and insult him, deep down, she knows that she is the one being sought after - that is, she is the prize, not you. You are the prize, not her.

Thanks for all the great posts so far everyone they are all really encouraging and inspiring.

And that was a great post from you Maximus_Decimus, I have been pretty aware of some of what you said in your post but it never seemed to do anything or I was not patient enough.

The day she announced she was leaving I wished her well and said it was for the better and I was happy for them as a couple.

And from this she would just try and make me jealous by saying stuff. I guess she has done it a lot but I was take it as she means what she is saying.

So I have tried the approach that I did not want her back ever so then I could be able to let out my feelings of how let down I felt by her as a friend (she was my most trusted friend).
I was shocked to find out that she had moved in with him a couple of months ago over a drink with her, and I said ok I have a confession too, (which I did) as we had a couple of drinks I mentioned I had had a couple of one night stands, I admitted I was being sad by trying to hurt her by telling her.
It was a few days after this she screamed down the phone that she loved me and I said for her not to call me again.
Of course we were in touch again because we had to close a joint account down.

The thing is when you have devoted so much time and energy into someone it is really harder to be as cool as the rival, as they do not have the emotional attachment.
I have acted detached so much as a battle for control of the situation.

You were right, she looks for buttons to press she has done many times, maybe to see if I have feelings still, this is why I told her the other night I am not sexually attracted to her anymore (all women have to be desired) and she said what because of this guy and I said yes and I do not find him a flattering choice over me.

I said although I do not find you attractive, you are beautiful you can do a lot better please go find a better man to be with and I said this guy should be visting the philipines for a bride not getting lucky with the likes of you.

So what I am saying is I have tried some psychology by offering her choices of other men and saying I do not find her attractive at all.


Really I should just get on with my life and abandon the 6yr relationship memories just as she did.

 

[joekerr31]

wow, thats totally f*cked up dude.

thats some major afc ch*t going on.

she basically is trying to cut your nuts off and you're hugging her. wishing her the best. telling her she can do better. playing into her drama by confession crap. etc.

its over. its done. move on.

the only reason you still talk to her is becuase you dont want to move on.

admit to yourself that your a love sick puppy and that you desperately want her to love you and worship you. becuase THAT is the ONLY reason any man would put up with this kind of chit.

you DONT have to be nice and you DONT have to be mean. you just have to move on.

J

 

[NewMan]

Really I should just get on with my life and abandon the 6yr relationship memories just as she did

yes you should.

Is it going to make you feel that much better if she were to run to you so that you can reject her?

It is an endless game that will only sap you of your emotions and long term happiness.

Give it up - cut off contact.

that means no more usless meeting for drinks.

 

[Ricky]

Speaking of sapping energy. I let my ex sap at least 6 months out of me. I'm just finally moving on.

But it is because it went from great to nothing so quick. In relationships where I fought I got over them quicker.

But Penkitten put it best. I have gone through 3 girls since this time last year. As each ended I just hopped into another. Now I'm mourning parts of all 3.

 

[CLOONEY]

Honestly, the way to get back at her most, is to show her you are happy. Do not fake it, it might take years, but in years from now, you will be with another girl who makes you very very happy. This is when you get your own back. Until then, cut the contact COMPLETELY! This will help you get over her faster, even though it may still takes months and months and will be harder for a while!

She sounds very immature trying to rub your nose in it, and is obviously not worth your time! Is insecure and seeks validation.

As is said millions of time on this board, take up your hobbies, enjoy your life as much as you can. Become great and the things you love and you will be proud of yourself, giving yourself even more confidence! The right girl will then fall onto your path, and you will be ready to snap her up! Looking even more attractive to her than you have ever before!

Good luck! Although I am sure you wont need it!

As far as what you said to her, I would have done the same, it is better to get it off your chest and let her know how you feel and get on with YOUR life, than play some game of not telling her anything and making her wonder, all the whilst making it harder to move on yourself! In the end, its how well YOU enjoy your life that will make you happy! NOT how you make HER feel! Hence, why I see it better to spill your guts and get on with things!

 

[Ricky]

And you know what. Depending on the circumstances, things are different. With my ex we were long distance. She said that was 90% of the problem.

But what kind of sucks is I did enjoy her and would be happy to have her as a friend for a while. I mean you can't bang a girl thats 2000 miles away unless you are both traveling back and forth anyways.

But I think what hurt me so much was the quick way she did it and the unexpectedness of it.

 

[an_old_rusty_master]

Hi, I have just come back and had a re-read all of your posts, they are all great much needed slaps around my face.
You see because of the type of person I am, I have acted cool and not bothered about any of it in the real world. People close to me have been amazed at how I have appeared to gotten over a 6 year relationship in 6 months looking healthy and happy, The truth is on here I obviously hadn't.
It is here I had chosen to let it all out because it all has to come out somewhere.

The replies on here have all been what I have been wanting and needing to hear.

I think there should be a Don Juan guide to coming out of a split up with dignity, pride and looking and feeling a better man.
We can all fall on our a**. Us men want to be in the position where the girl instantly regrets the decision but it is too late for her.

I am sure there are many pieces of advice out there from people that can help others.

My first piece of advice is never cry in front of them or down the phone, I never have but I have heard so many girls and women laughing to me about the guy they had just dumped crying his eyes out to them down the phone. never decalre how much you love them and how you need them.
They don't respect it at all.

# 2. If it is over another guy then wish them well it will rattle the one leaving a lot more but be prepared for her trying to make you jealous through this, something I got weak too I admit.

#3. Hit the sunbed, if you can, get a healthy glow on your face to hide them sleepless nights and your missed dinners, (people commented when I split on how healthy and good I looked) moisturize your face, look groomed.

#4. throw out bed sheets and remove all reminders as quick as you can, basically cleans and decontaminate.

#5. New clothes, new hair, new furniture, new big boyz toyz, treat yourself.

 

[CLOONEY]

There are always 2 standard reactions to a breakup (that is one you cared about of course).

Either the guy gets depressed and sits on his azz.

Or he uses his time to improve himself in every way he can.

Your advice you gave was good and what you need to do. Although I will add one more thing, cut off all contact! At least for several months until you are totally over it.

Its also good to get in the gym and get some excersise! Body, Mind and Soul definately go hand in hand!

 

[TheTrimReaper]

My first piece of advice is never cry in front of them or down the phone, I never have but I have heard so many girls and women laughing to me about the guy they had just dumped crying his eyes out to them down the phone.

I have to disagree with this advice. First of all, you shouldn't hold back your emotions. They are there for a reason. Remember that. Once you start holding them back, because somebody told you to do it on a message board, you start a very unhealthy cycle. And repressed emotions turn in on you and tear you up.

Also, if some girl breaks up with you, and she is brutal enough to tell people about your crying and laugh, then she is one sad, pathetic person. She is only stroking her ego and not even coming close to scratching the surface of what happiness is. In this situtation, you are the lucky one. She does not know how to behave, and would you really want the mother of your kids to be someone who did something like that? And it's over anyway!!!

If you repress your emotional reaction and don't cry, what is the benefit? Well, she won't be able to tell people she made you cry. So you spared your ego by playing the same game this egotistical b1tch is playing. Big deal. Living life this way is only setting one up for hard times.

I know all of this because I listened to posts like this before. Don't cry. Be a man. Whatever.... This is not only neurotic, but just plain unnatural. I did what I read and did keep a woman I thought was a good woman in my life. But then when I had to face one of the hardest times in my life -my mom became extremely ill- I had to cope. Then when my ex saw me acting like a real human being should and being more emotional, I think she started to question me. Now keep in mind, you can act for a long time, but eventually, you are going to face really hard times. And you will have to do something to cope. If she can't stand beside you and see that you are hurting or whatever, then it's better to cry six weeks into the relationship than in ten years because you'll be sparing your time for a good person.

I remember reading Sun Tzu when he talks about soldiers getting ready for battle. He said something along the lines of this:
Men will be crying, puking, and balled up on the ground. But they
will get up and fight.

This is how things truly are. Hollywood wants you to believe that every good man is so stoic and emotionless. And thousands of women, like your friends, then hold every man to this unattainable and even unnatural criterion.

Men fight wars. And yes, in those wars, men encounter massive amounts of stress. And they do what they have to do to cope. Some cry. Some abuse drugs. Some abuse women. Some repress their emotions.

Of these few, which one sounds like the healthiest?

Remember this, not acting how you want to act makes the woman the priority in your life. You don't want to be walking around on eggshells hoping that you don't say or do the wrong things. If you want to get mad, do it. If you want to cry, do it. If you don't want to do anything, then don't. If you want to tell her you love her, then say it. Life is too f*cking short not to do what you want to do.

Doing what you want to do and acting how you want to act is what having balls is.

 

[an_old_rusty_master]

I still disagree, crying helps the departing women feel she has made the right choice.

Did her Father ever cry in front of her? no women want men strong, they don't want to have to be the emotionally strong one of the relationship. Sure they say they like men in touch with there emotions but this does not mean blubba like a child who has fallen over and cut his leg. They don't want to feel like they are the Mother of the relationship either by seeing you cry and they don't want to be made to feel guilty either.

>>if some girl breaks up with you, and she is brutal enough to tell people about your crying and laugh, then she is one sad, pathetic person. She is only stroking her ego and not even coming close to scratching the surface of what happiness is.<<

I could not agree with you more, but usually at the point of a break up there is an air contempt going around anyway, this makes people say and do things they don't usually do or mean.
Insecurities from both parties are inabundence.

I stick to my guns on this one, hide your tears from the girls, blubba on your own or with a close male friend of family, but don't try and cofuse issues with tears. Do you want a woman feeling guilty or do you want her feeling her own loss?