Did I do the right thing? [merged]

[peaceseeker]

Did I do the right thing?

So call me AFC or emo or what you may, but I fell in love hard for my girl. We were best friends for a year about five years ago. After one year of friendship, I finally busted out of the friend zone and she became my girlfriend. After 3 years of dating and traveling the world together and even living together, I proposed and she accepted.

We went through dental school together. The pressures of it was extreme and we found support in each other. We graduated in mid 2013 and started practicing on our own. We are both 28 right now and professionals. We were planning on buying a house together, so I went the economic route of moving back in with my parents temporarily and getting her a apartment closer to her new job until we had enough saved up to buy a house together. Flash forward 6 months, it's now early 2014 and we are starting drift apart a little. Make no mistake, I am still crazy in love, and treat her like my wife (even though we are just engaged). She starts developing feelings for her coworker around February. I start noticing that she is acting differently more distant. On our vacation in April, it is like I don't even know this person. She mentions him or his country at least 10 times a day. It completely ruined our vacation. I ask her if there is something going on she denies it. I SPECIFICALLY ASK is he touching/etc and she denies it. When we get from our vacation, she has her facebook logged in so I check. Apparently, she is messaging her other friend that the coworker is kissing her on the cheek and touching her. She asks her friend is this acceptable behavior? Of course her friend says it is not. I am reading all this and confront her about it. She accepts that she emotionally cheated on me (NO SEX), and had been only "cheek kissing" as he is European. She confided in him and grew distant from me. Of course I am devastated and break up. A couple of weeks go by and I am missing her greatly. We decide to go to counseling to give it a shot and save our 4 year relationship. (We never actually end up going to a counselor but just talking)

After a couple of weeks and spending good time together, I catch her lying again about him (he is texting her on saturday night, I ask her not to reply so he gets the hint. The minute I leave her apt, she texts him back). Even still I forgive her. A month passes by, and things start to stabilize. She tells him off at work tells him to keep it professional and he agrees. SHE SWEARS AND PROMISES NO MORE PHYSICAL CONTACT AND TO KEEP EVERYTHING DISTANT AND PROFESSIONAL WITH HIM. Things are starting to improve. Yesterday though, I feel as it was the last straw. She has a bad day at work with one of her patients, and starts to panic and freak. Of course, guess who is there for her? She gets so happy that he helped her through a tough situation, she "cheek to cheek" kisses him again. Specifically after she swore she would not do it again, and after knowing what her "relationship" with him has put me through. On the other hand, SHE DID ADMIT TO THIS OFF THE BAT AND TOLD ME THE TRUTH about what happened. I feel like no matter what the situation, she should not be touching him anymore, even though it's not sex. She did feel something for him at one point, enough to have an emotional affair. I feel like starting to do this again would only lead to the same destination again. As a result, I break up with her over the phone last night.

The question here is, did I do the right thing? She has lied to me multiple times these last months about this guy, and has barely done anything to ease my concerns and doubts and to rebuild my trust. I came to a breaking point because I believe she should be confiding in me (her ****ing fiance) and not the other guy. I am heart broken and feel like I lost my wife and future. I feel disrespected as a man, and her future husband. Advice?

 

[Tictac]

If you've been disrespected, you need to get some perspective.

Sure you have a lot of time sewed up in this.

But can you trust her?

If not, you need to give her the gift of missing you because right now she's got you and him.

 

[Piers Nivens]

Dude. GET AWAY FROM HER AND GIVE NO MORE CHANCES EVER AGAIN IN YOUR LIFE.

Look at this man. Things havent even begun and she is doing this ****. Imagine down the roaf.

Youre young, have a great professional job, you can find a much better woman. Leave trash to other trash.

Tell her its over and cut the poison out of your life. No look backs. No second chances. You dont deserve this ****.

 

[tripod23]

all i can say to you is be strong and stand your ground my friend , if this woman has done this now , just imagine the trouble if you were married with children , she could possibly clean you out.....

me personally would bail on her ass and let her explore things with the other guy and to hell with being insulted and treat with contempt.........never allow this to happen...EVER

she will call you i would imagine , tell her she has broken your trust and you have lost faith in her , or just completely ignore her and disapear of the face of the earth...

i know its easy for me and others to say all this , but its the only way you will regain any respect .

i have gone through the most horrid time over the last 12 to 18 months.....its not been good at all , but iv stayed strong and have not contacted any of my 2 exes for nearly 10 months now.........dont get me wrong i know both of my exes have moved on , but some guys think they can change the womans mind by begging pleading and all that stuff......but that never works..

this is the time when you have to show her and yourself what you are made of , its not easy to do ...........but its the only weapon you have left my friend.

i wish you the best of luck fella

 

[Bokanovsky]

You did the right thing. You have no future with this woman. It's over.

P.S. Out of curiosity, what is your ethnic background? I'm guessing asian?

 

[Die Hard]

So call me AFC or emo or what you may, but I fell in love hard for my girl. We were best friends for a year about five years ago. After one year of friendship, I finally busted out of the friend zone and she became my girlfriend. After 3 years of dating and traveling the world together and even living together, I proposed and she accepted.

We went through dental school together. The pressures of it was extreme and we found support in each other. We graduated in mid 2013 and started practicing on our own. We are both 28 right now and professionals. We were planning on buying a house together, so I went the economic route of moving back in with my parents temporarily and getting her a apartment closer to her new job until we had enough saved up to buy a house together. Flash forward 6 months, it's now early 2014 and we are starting drift apart a little. Make no mistake, I am still crazy in love, and treat her like my wife (even though we are just engaged). She starts developing feelings for her coworker around February.

I get the feeling you were treating her too good, made her feel like you were no challenge to her, which made you drift apart and caused her to develop feelings for her coworker...
I suspect this was in the making from the moment you and her got into a relationship. I mean, it took you ONE YEAR to bust out of the friend zone?? That doesn't sound like the kind of man who sweeps women off their feet, the kind of man who takes charge and takes what he wants, the kind of dominant man that's highly desirable to women, the kind of man who makes her think: "Ohhh, I would be so lucky if this man asked me to marry him!" I'm sorry to say this but it's obvious that you weren't IT for her from the start.

I start noticing that she is acting differently more distant. On our vacation in April, it is like I don't even know this person. She mentions him or his country at least 10 times a day. It completely ruined our vacation. I ask her if there is something going on she denies it. I SPECIFICALLY ASK is he touching/etc and she denies it. When we get from our vacation, she has her facebook logged in so I check. Apparently, she is messaging her other friend that the coworker is kissing her on the cheek and touching her. She asks her friend is this acceptable behavior? Of course her friend says it is not. I am reading all this and confront her about it. She accepts that she emotionally cheated on me (NO SEX), and had been only "cheek kissing" as he is European. She confided in him and grew distant from me. Of course I am devastated and break up. A couple of weeks go by and I am missing her greatly. We decide to go to counseling to give it a shot and save our 4 year relationship. (We never actually end up going to a counselor but just talking)

I'm sorry to say this, I don't mean to talk you down, only to educate you... But that was VERY weak behavior from you! She fvcked up, so you broke up with her. She was supposed to change her ways, make it up to you, EARN BACK THE RIGHT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU! But you just decided to continue the relationship with her because you missed her.... What does that tell her? It tells her that she can fvck up big time and you will take her back anyway! So why would she not repeat the same behavior in the future? You are gonna take her back anyway! I'm sorry but that moment has basically sealed your fate, she will NEVER respect you again after that weak behavior.

After a couple of weeks and spending good time together, I catch her lying again about him (he is texting her on saturday night, I ask her not to reply so he gets the hint. The minute I leave her apt, she texts him back). Even still I forgive her.

Sure, she fvcks up for the umpteenth time and what do you do? You FORGIVE her.... My friend, isn't obvious that this will make her lose respect for you?

A month passes by, and things start to stabilize. She tells him off at work tells him to keep it professional and he agrees. SHE SWEARS AND PROMISES NO MORE PHYSICAL CONTACT AND TO KEEP EVERYTHING DISTANT AND PROFESSIONAL WITH HIM. Things are starting to improve. Yesterday though, I feel as it was the last straw. She has a bad day at work with one of her patients, and starts to panic and freak. Of course, guess who is there for her? She gets so happy that he helped her through a tough situation, she "cheek to cheek" kisses him again. Specifically after she swore she would not do it again, and after knowing what her "relationship" with him has put me through. On the other hand, SHE DID ADMIT TO THIS OFF THE BAT AND TOLD ME THE TRUTH about what happened. I feel like no matter what the situation, she should not be touching him anymore, even though it's not sex. She did feel something for him at one point, enough to have an emotional affair. I feel like starting to do this again would only lead to the same destination again. As a result, I break up with her over the phone last night.

The question here is, did I do the right thing? She has lied to me multiple times these last months about this guy, and has barely done anything to ease my concerns and doubts and to rebuild my trust. I came to a breaking point because I believe she should be confiding in me (her ****ing fiance) and not the other guy. I am heart broken and feel like I lost my wife and future. I feel disrespected as a man, and her future husband. Advice?

You did the right thing!! You lost this woman and by now things have gone too far to be turned around. IT IS OVER.

Now you must lick your wounds, improve yourself and find other women. Your woman is acting like a treacherous wh0re, that's for sure. But such is the nature of women, of ALL women! They will not be loyal to you because they are SUPPOSED to... They will only be loyal to you because you MAKE them! How?? Get familiar with the teachings on SoSuave and learn just that...

 

[Ruleit]

You did the right thing.

Dunno if you want to hear this or not, but too bad, here goes:

You realise that she had an emotional affair with this guy. In her head she fvcked him multiple times over, probably while you were having sex she was imagining it was him. Her obsession with him while you were on vacation is proof enough.

Here comes the worse part that you're definitely not going to like. By breaking up with her you've given her permission to pursue him. While she is pursuing him she may pursue you at the same time to keep you online as plan B in case things don't work out.

For guys an emotional affair is written off as "not too serious" because we're not women. For women however they're like cocaine. Her hamster is in heaven.

This is going to test your mental resolve. The only way out of this is to pass through hell and collect the $200 at the end of the trip. It's a hard and bitter pill to swallow.

 

[XR 600]

Ask yourself..Do I need to put up with this crap? Vacations are a great measuring tool for the state of a relationship.There is no respect here..get your feet on the ground,be a man and eject the *****.

 

[Poop1337]

You need to wake up to reality. There is no stability in this relationship. At most I'd suggest still using her for sex while you find new girls.

 

[Trump]

Bro you seriously got in dental school? Amazing how guys take exam and exam after exam and ace them, apply to school, get references, get accepted, go through several years of schooling, graduate, and then 1 girl makes their head spin in circles.

As soon as she brought up what she did with the guy, you should have said "that's not acceptable behavior for a girl who has a boyfriend." You have to put limits on her, or she will think its OK to continue this behavior.

Man are we afraid of women today. We have made their value greater than Apple stock.

 

[Desdinova]

She starts developing feelings for her coworker around February.

When this happens, it's over and there's no saving it.

As a result, I break up with her over the phone last night.
The question here is, did I do the right thing?

You certainly did. You can either waste your time returning back to the same woman who's not a loyal companion, or you could use your time wisely to go and search for a woman who WILL be a loyal companion. Time is precious, don't waste it on 5hitty people.

 

[peaceseeker]

She texted me earlier today: "Goodbye"

 

[VladPatton]

Listen to the guys, man they are 100% right. It's unanimous. Why would you ever go back to her and be a glutton for punishment? In a few years of marriage this bıtch'll wreak havoc on you! Save yourself the weeding fees, man. She's got the cheatin gene. Would you leave a rotten molar in a patient's mouth with hopes it'll get better? Fück no, you yank that shıt outta his head. Do the same with her from your life. No contact for life.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Peace Seeker,
Maybe if you had firmly nipped thing in the bud from day one things would be different...Dentists are real aristocrats in most countries,you will have good Women drooling over you!

 

[Ruleit]

She texted me earlier today: "Goodbye"

She's testing the waters to see how serious you are or if you're still hooked. Do not reply to her text. See the No Contact Challenge thread stickied at the top of this forum and follow through on it.

If this female has any feelings left for you she will drop all her sh!t and start pursuing you to pull you back in. It's starts with the texting, next it's phone calls, next it's showing up at your door to talk. Only if she comes back begging for forgiveness should you entertain the thought of taking her back. Read that last sentence again... "think of taking her back"... it doesn't mean take her back. She needs to work fvcking hard to regain your trust.

Here's the thing you don't realize... At 28 a woman is just about to hit the wall. Her looks and body will start deteriorating at around this point in life. At 28 a man's life is just starting. He's got his career path stabilized and he's is entering his sexual market value uptrend.

This chick has some serious issues in her head because she can't even distinguish right from wrong. To the point where she had to ask her friend if what she was doing was out of line.

I know you're hurting bad mate, but you're going to need to do some serious work on yourself. From my experience I wouldn't take her back. Previous behaviour is a good predictor of future behaviour.

You've had a good run with her, even having managed to breakthrough the friendzone. That's an accomplishment. Take credit for that. You've dodged a bullet because things could have been worse - you could have been married and had kids and she would be screwing this co-worker and walking away with everything.

 

[peaceseeker]

I met her up for the last time a couple of days ago. We both cried for over 3 hours together. She kept calling me her hubby while she cried. I am so sad right now. She made me feel as if it was my fault for her cheating. I keep blaming myself, I miss my wife. Even thought she didn't have sex, she left me emotionally and talk about this guy 24/7. I don't know what to do. I know the writing is on the wall, and it's obvious what I did was right, but I keep thinking I can still save it and make her understand what she did wrong. Because of her psychological issues as a kid (abuse, etc.) I dont think she understands right/wrong too well. But then again, she did "cheek kiss" the man she developed feelings for after swearing to me she wouldn't do that again. I know for a fact she's texting him several times a day after I broke up with her.

We literally traveled the world together. So many places. So many memories for 4 years. She made me feel so secure when I was with her. I was proud to show her off (she's super hot). I think there was a time she really loved me. I don't know what happened. I wish she had communicated more to me, I can't read her mind. Maybe if I had done this/that differently, my wife would still be here and that other guy wouldn't matter. I'm sorry to ramble but I'm in pieces.

 

[Tictac]

What you do is go dark for a minimum of 30 days.

Right now, you are little more than her training wheels. She knows you are there. So she can do what she wants and never pay a price for it.

Give her the gift of missing you. Give yourself the gift of 30 days to get your head on straight and work on you.

 

[Ruleit]

I met her up for the last time a couple of days ago. We both cried for over 3 hours together. She kept calling me her hubby while she cried. I am so sad right now. She made me feel as if it was my fault for her cheating. I keep blaming myself, I miss my wife. Even thought she didn't have sex, she left me emotionally and talk about this guy 24/7. I don't know what to do. I know the writing is on the wall, and it's obvious what I did was right, but I keep thinking I can still save it and make her understand what she did wrong. Because of her psychological issues as a kid (abuse, etc.) I dont think she understands right/wrong too well. But then again, she did "cheek kiss" the man she developed feelings for after swearing to me she wouldn't do that again. I know for a fact she's texting him several times a day after I broke up with her.

We literally traveled the world together. So many places. So many memories for 4 years. She made me feel so secure when I was with her. I was proud to show her off (she's super hot). I think there was a time she really loved me. I don't know what happened. I wish she had communicated more to me, I can't read her mind. Maybe if I had done this/that differently, my wife would still be here and that other guy wouldn't matter. I'm sorry to ramble but I'm in pieces.

I don't think there is anyone here who is a stranger to the heartache you're feeling now. We know how you're feeling.

I'm going to point out your mistakes to you so you can learn from them:

1) It was a mistake to meet up with her again and to respond to her texts. When she said her "goodbye" you should have given her the gift of missing you and facing the consequences of losing you.

2) You were both crying... you were crying for the death of the relationship. She was crying mostly because she wanted to eat both slices of cake and you cut it short.

3) Her calling you hubby was pure emotional manipulation. She wanted you for the emotional support while she gets the seduction tingles from the co-worker.

4) Then she lays the projection and guilt trip onto you by making you believe it was YOUR fault for her cheating. BULL$HIT. Nobody made her do that but herself... and she did it willingly and with eager anticipation. Do not be fooled.

"Because of her psychological issues as a kid (abuse, etc.) I dont think she understands right/wrong too well."

5) Regarding her psych/childhood/abuse issues: She is broken. There is nothing you can do to fix her. SHE needs therapy and is the only one who can fix herself. From my own experience... I was involved with a chick who claimed she was abused when she was young. She was smoking hot and with a sex drive to match... only problem... she was more interested in sucking the life out of me with her emotional drama than she was in getting herself into therapy.

I know you blame yourself and are thinking of 1001 ways from here to Sunday about how you could have prevented this. How if you hadn't moved out, but kept her close and kept an eye on her... this wouldn't have happened. How if you had been more aware of things you could have put your foot down before it went this far. How... etc etc etc.

The truth is: There is nothing under the deep blue sky and the depths of space you could have done. You could have her under 24 hour protection and she'd find a way to get attention from another man. That's just the way these types of women are.

Here's another truth: You're going to miss her. It's the human condition. Take time to mourn the death of your dreams. The loss of her presence. It sucks. But while you're doing that, thank your lucky stars that you're still young enough to enjoy the rest of your life drama free.

It's a hard road ahead for the next few months and it's going to take a helluva lot of inner strength to get through it. And it's doable. Keep this in your mind: You're not the first this has happened to, you're not the last.

You have a choice to make now:

Are you going to live a miserable life reliving the past or are you going to get busy working on a new, brighter future?

 

[blind_one]

Like others have said, shes not worth your time. It might be hard for you in the begining but for f*ckssake EJECT , I repeat EJECT and never go back. You gave her a chance after a chance that enough. Ghost and enjoy your life. You are a professional and a valuable person in your own right and you should not tolerate such disrespect.

Peace brother

 

[peaceseeker]

UPDATE: It's going on a week since I broke up with her. Our last conversation still haunts me, and for some reason I keep internalizing the blame. I feel as if I failed her, and drove her away. Logically speaking, I don't believe it. But emotionally speaking, I feel as if I failed her. I did yell at her a lot sometimes, only because she would never talk to me. I could never figure out what was going on in her head. I tried SO HARD to improve communication. Alot of times, she would do things that made me so upset, and I would get angry. When I lost my job 5 months ago, I turned into a monster. I was severely depressed and worried. But instead of being there for me, she stayed late at work and got closer to the other man. I really needed my wife, and every time I had a bad day, all I wanted to do was be with her. I was always there for her when she had a bad day. I thought after being together for so long, she would at least try to help me through this rough time. The first speed bump I hit, she runs.

I treated her well last 4 years. I wasn't perfect and had temper issues sometimes, but at the end of the day I wanted to give her anything and everything. Her last words to me still haunt me: "I only have a crush on him, I didn't act on it." I think texting him behind my back, allowing him to touch/cheek kiss her (for "cultural reasons" as she said), and talking about him 24/7 during our vacation is cheating. We both knew we had problems, but she would rather run from me then work on saving a engagement and 4 years of happiness. As said earlier, I still went back after I found out about the kissing because I had hoped counseling and figuring out our problems would help. But she made NO EFFORT in finding a counselor. She still believes she didn't cheat on me.

Her work into the relationship was very minimal. For example, she has never gotten me an anniversary gift to put things into perspective. But I was very happy with her, and she was ****ing gorgeous and my girl to show off. I'm still in denial, and hurting A LOT. I haven't seen or heard from her since last Saturday. This is the longest I haven't spoken to her in FIVE years. I wonder a lot about what she's doing, and the thought of her laughing and having fun with the coworker disgusts me. She cooked maybe 10 times in 4 years for me, but is now learning to cook for him (to take food to work to share). What the ffff???

On a different note, I did go out with another girl last night. Not as good looking as my ex, but seems like more of a decent person. She totally digs me, but I'm not that into her. When we ended the date, I went to my car, and just started crying uncontrollably. I'm feeling guilty for going on the date. Ironically, not once did my ex feel guilty for "having a crush" on another man and feeling good at my expense.