Did I cheat? What to do now?

[Young Rocketship]

Greetings y'all,
I have a problem accompanied by a somewhat roundabout story.

So I've been seeing this girl for a month and a half. Started off as friends, then dated and started having sex. Everything was going well and I just naturally started talking to other girls less and less while spending more and more time with her (breaking the DJ code, I know). Eventually I decided that I wanted to be with her and planned a really romantic way of cuffing her. But found out close to the last minute by her that she's not quite ready to be in a relationship despite the fact that we'd been acting like we were in one for weeks. I was cool with her needing more time; I figured it was time I could use to get my flings out the way with other girls before choosing her.

Aside from her mentioning a while ago that we could still talk to other peopl, we've never had an official conversation on the boundaries of our "relationship" or what our "relationship" even is. I still talked to my exes/side girls but pretty much treated her as the main. I don't know the extent of who else she was talking to but I do know she was still being contacted by her ex.

Anyway, I'm the type of person who believes in clear, transparent stages in relationships- until we mutually make it official, there's no expectations of exclusivity. However, I really like this one and I've been breaking all kinds of rules for to the point where I've allowed things to progress to a relationship-like state without going through the stages I usually go through. We both went home for Thanksgiving break and I ended up messing around with one of my exes. I didn't think much of it at the time but it's been a few days now and I've been feeling really guilty. Despite never making things "official" or making any pledges of commitment to her, I feel like I cheated on her. Fooling around with my ex made me realize how much I really like this girl over all the others, and how I want to be with her.

So SoSuave, am I wrong for feeling this way? What should I do?

From a logical perspective I don't believe I am and if it was any other girl I wouldn't really care. From an emotional perspective, I feel like I violated in a major way. I'm debating my next course of action. Should I keep it to myself and move on with her? I feel regret and remorse for hooking up with my ex and it would definitely never happen again. Plus it's unlikely the girl would ever find out. However, this feeling of guilt keeps recurring and I doubt I could deal with simply keeping it a secret.

Or should I tell her? Putting myself in her shoes I'm not sure I would want to know what she's doing if we're not exclusive yet. But you know how women are. She could have assumed we're monogamous by now- which creates further issues.

I'm considering just taking a break from her to evaluate things. After all, if I cared about her as much as I feel I do then why feel the need to hook up with an ex. I thought I could use this week away to get my last hurrah from different girls but now I just don't know.

Any thoughts/comments/questions/advice welcomed.

 

[dajinn]

I hope this will help.

What you've found yourself in is a good situation to really hone in on the differences between your intuition and your feelings. Emotions are really that double edged sword and acting solely on them is a recipe for disaster. People pleasing is a great example of this but it's a bit much to go in depth on for the scope of my reply. Your intuition is going to be something akin to that of a gut feeling. It's important to understand and identify the differences, because for one thing acting from your intuition really says the most about your true character.

Actually, from reading your posts I feel like you may be confused internally and I find that maybe what you think is logical and what is emotional, are reversed. From your true emotional perspective, is where you really feel like you don't believe you violated anything, but in reality, you violated a personal code of conduct(proverbially, not necessarily one that you actually wrote out for yourself, and I'll expand more in a second). You feel like this because you want to rationalize(wanting to rationalize or justify an action stems from emotions that compel you want to change the way how something would be taken in the instance of interactions between people, whether or not for better or worse, if that makes sense)your actions because you probably felt neglected by this girl who you think would be great relationship material but hasn't necessarily yet come full circle in meeting this desire you have.

What you intuited after having your fling with the other girl was that even though you may not truly be committed, you two obviously connected on levels that go beyond that of a purely sexual experience, and spent more and more time with her, and you've invested into her(month and a half isn't much but any investment is an investment)and so you violated your integrity somewhat, or your code of conduct. Your intuition, or sense of knowing, told you that what you did was probably not the right thing, out of respect for the fact that you wish you could have something committed with this girl.

I know a lot of people are probably going to come into this thread and throw their arms up and just flat out say no you didn't cheat because "the dumb broad" is just playing games and only wants to try out more sausage, but what you have to understand is that if there is any gut feeling you have that this girl is genuinely interested in a relationship with you, then it would probably be in your best interest to backup your words with actions, and not **** around on her. The risk in being "caught" is that it would just totally make you look like someone who wasn't all that really interested in a relationship and once a girl gets into this mindset they become terribly annoying to convince otherwise.

Did you cheat? Not in the socially contrived sense. Did you cheat yourself? Probably. It's hard to give advice as to whether or not you should tell her because it could totally sour any chances you had of a relationship with her. So that's just something to think about. In my opinion I think you would be okay with not telling her because every man has a right to his own privacy, and since she flat out told you that she's not ready for a relationship, well, that just speaks for itself. If you want to fvck other girls with a clear conscience I would go ahead and try to nip that whole "not ready for a relationship" bud by asking her to be very clear in her intentions so that you know where you stand. Because for you I just see the guilt piling up if you continue to harbor feelings for her while laying other chicks.

This is probably a little convoluted, so if you need clarification, let me know.

 

[TheException]

So I've been seeing this girl for a month and a half. Started off as friends, then dated and started having sex. Everything was going well and I just naturally started talking to other girls less and less while spending more and more time with her (breaking the DJ code, I know).

You just dont dismiss this action as "I know I know". If you know then why the he11 do you keep doing it? Before I even finish the rest of your thread I can already tell problems are going to arise from this mindset and the way you have been doing things...

Eventually I decided that I wanted to be with her and planned a really romantic way of cuffing her.

Andddd it starts.....

MEN ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR EXCLUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS. Leave these feminine things to the women to bring up. Dont even waste your time thinking about "what if's". Your hooking up with her right? Well good keep doing it. Only issues can arise from the man trying to "cuff" a woman.

But found out close to the last minute by her that she's not quite ready to be in a relationship despite the fact that we'd been acting like we were in one for weeks.

What a surprise...you mean after you pretty much cut all women out of your life and are ready to lay it all the line for this one women....she no longer finds you the sexual beast that got her attracted in the first place? No way...

Look...when you start acting like a couple before shes ready what happens is:
-She loses attraction since you are so easily tamed...women are like cats....they run away when you try to give them attention. Let them come to you on their own.
-she recognizes she already has you in the bag
-since you are already in the bag...she can explore and try to tame a more masculine man realizing she can always fall back to you.

Do any of those sound cool? He11 no....so quit being the guy that puts himself in these situations. She should be chasing you.

Aside from her mentioning a while ago that we could still talk to other peopl, we've never had an official conversation on the boundaries of our "relationship" or what our "relationship" even is.

Thats because there IS NO relationship.

However, I really like this one and I've been breaking all kinds of rules for to the point where I've allowed things to progress to a relationship-like state without going through the stages I usually go through.

So your essentially in a relationship without receiving her sexual loyalty...sounds like a win-win for her. She has you for bf duties and attention and is free to seek sexual attention from whomever she can wrangle. And if she finds nobody she can rely on you until she does.

We both went home for Thanksgiving break and I ended up messing around with one of my exes.

I didn't think much of it at the time but it's been a few days now and I've been feeling really guilty. Despite never making things "official" or making any pledges of commitment to her, I feel like I cheated on her. Fooling around with my ex made me realize how much I really like this girl over all the others, and how I want to be with her.

Thats because you are obsessed with this one girl. Its called oneitis. Its practically worse than the plague and needs to be abolished or else you will not progress any further.

So SoSuave, am I wrong for feeling this way? What should I do?

From a logical perspective I don't believe I am and if it was any other girl I wouldn't really care. From an emotional perspective, I feel like I violated in a major way. I'm debating my next course of action. Should I keep it to myself and move on with her?

Or should I tell her?

You got to be kidding me....

Again, its your oneitis speaking and making you sound like a chump.

You: Hey....so ahhh I know that we are not dating but I slept with another girl and feel bad

Girl: Why? Ive been sleeping with 2 other guys this whole time. We arent dating exclusively silly.

Your obsession is pushing her away which is why she claims she "isnt ready for a relationship". That is excuse class 101. Women are ALWAYS READY for a relationship with an attractive man. You need to get back to a few basic concepts. Either research them or PM for details.

1.) Prize Mentality
2.) Plate Theory
3.) Women bring up exclusivity
4.) Avoid being needy/insecure.

 

[Darth_Qurashi]

"eating ain't cheating...suckin ain't ****in." - Steel Panther

And this:

This girl is a ho. Any girl that says she wants the option of fvcking multiple men because "she's not ready for a relationship" is not worthy of the unrequited loyalty you have given her. Act accordingly.

1. If she wasn't banging other men she would have pushed for exclusivity right now, and/or
2. If she had high interest in you she would have pushed for exclusivity already.

Do not wife up this ho.

 

[Brighty]

Dajinn made a great first post on this. You should re-read it, OP. If you're looking for whether you should feel guilty or not, that's subjective to you and what you think this relationship is.

This girl is a ho. Any girl that says she wants the option of fvcking multiple men because "she's not ready for a relationship" is not worthy of the unrequited loyalty you have given her. Act accordingly.

1. If she wasn't banging other men she would have pushed for exclusivity right now, and/or
2. If she had high interest in you she would have pushed for exclusivity already.

Do not wife up this ho.

That's an incredibly black and white way to look at it, and with all the different kinds of women and personalities out there that's a crazy rationale to make. Unless OP explicitly knows that this girl is still "playing the field" or whatever, then it could be a multitude of other reasons. There are some girls that want to take things slowly for no malicious reason other than that's the kind of people they are. She could be at a point right now where she doesn't want a relationship, there's some family troubles, she wants to focus on her job, etc. Maybe it could be a sign that this girl isn't right for you.

A month and a half is getting up there to the threshold though of "dating" though. Out of all the serious relationships I've been in, the process usually starts with dating for a month or so (and usually its exclusive) and then that naturally evolves into a relationship. If things aren't settled by two months, take Royal Flush's advice and GTFO.

 

[Bokanovsky]

From a logical perspective I don't believe I am and if it was any other girl I wouldn't really care. From an emotional perspective, I feel like I violated in a major way. I'm debating my next course of action. Should I keep it to myself and move on with her? I feel regret and remorse for hooking up with my ex and it would definitely never happen again. Plus it's unlikely the girl would ever find out. However, this feeling of guilt keeps recurring and I doubt I could deal with simply keeping it a secret.

Or should I tell her? Putting myself in her shoes I'm not sure I would want to know what she's doing if we're not exclusive yet. But you know how women are. She could have assumed we're monogamous by now- which creates further issues.

I'm considering just taking a break from her to evaluate things. After all, if I cared about her as much as I feel I do then why feel the need to hook up with an ex. I thought I could use this week away to get my last hurrah from different girls but now I just don't know.

Any thoughts/comments/questions/advice welcomed.

Are you sure you are not a woman? The emotional vomit in your post is a little too much for comfort. You are not even in an exclusive relationship with this chick...nor will you ever be (when a woman tells you she wants to suck...I mean "speak" to other people, it's as close as you're going to get to her telling you straight up that she does not see you as a boyfriend). And there you are, feeling guilty about being "unfaithful" to a f*ckbuddy who is in all likelihood sucking some other dude's c*ck this very minute. What is wrong with you?

 

[Young Rocketship]

Dajinn, thanks for your post. You illuminated my mind to a lot of things I wasn't considering before. Before I respond fully, can you elaborate on what you talked about in the 2nd paragraph?

TheException, I definitely appreciate your bluntness. Idk what made me start breaking code for this girl initially; maybe it was just the chemistry. I didn't think I was in oneitis with this girl because I was still talking to other girls and seeing them, just not as much. I think you may be onto something in that I was making the relationship more serious than it needed to be for the time frame. If I had paced it more appropriately, maybe I wouldn't be dealing with this internal strife. I guess a big question I'd pose to you is where is the line between being ready to settle down with one girl and being in oneitis drawn?

PairPlusRoyalFlush, preciate your bluntness as well, but I gotta disagree. A big part of her hesitance is the aftermath of the fallout with her ex. It bothered me, yeah, but I was still spinning other plates so I can't say I gave her "unrequited loyalty."

Darth_Qurashi, lol.

Brighty, yeah bro I understand her reasons but I don't think exclusivity should be expected for couples who aren't in official relationships. That's why my feelings of guilt are bothering me- they're contradictory. Is it an AFC holdover or is that how I really feel about relationships? Idk.

Bokanovsky, the funny thing is I'm not the overly emotional type. This is the first girl I've felt feelings of significance for in a long time so that's playing a major role here as well.

 

[TheException]

I guess a big question I'd pose to you is where is the line between being ready to settle down with one girl and being in oneitis drawn?

Your thinking about "exclusive relationships" all wrong...

Its not about straddling a line of "oneitis" and "settling down".

Oneitis is an unhealthy dependence upon one woman. It doesnt matter if you are spinning plates and are hooking up with multiple girls. You shouldnt be so heavily invested into one woman...ESPECIALLY since you arent even exclusive.

"Settling down" is also NOT AN OPTION. Thats pathetic. You NEVER SETTLE. What needs to happen in order for a HEALTHY relationship to blossom, is the woman needs to WIN OVER the man. What I do is...when dating multiple women I never even THINK about becoming exclusive with them. Sure...I can tell when one plate starts to become attached and will bring up the "exclusive talk" soon...but I never even dare think about it on my own. When she does bring it up....ITS AT THAT POINT, that you can entertain the idea of exclusivity. If you like her enough...go for it and set up ground rules. If not...just tell her you're not ready or some other vague reason.

I just think you need to change your mindset in the way you currently view women. You are currently the chaser when you should be the one getting chased. You have to start viewing yourself as the prize to be won...not her.

 

[JohnChops]

This thread popped up at the best possible time. Good stuff in here.

 

[dajinn]

Dajinn, thanks for your post. You illuminated my mind to a lot of things I wasn't considering before. Before I respond fully, can you elaborate on what you talked about in the 2nd paragraph?

TheException, I definitely appreciate your bluntness. Idk what made me start breaking code for this girl initially; maybe it was just the chemistry. I didn't think I was in oneitis with this girl because I was still talking to other girls and seeing them, just not as much. I think you may be onto something in that I was making the relationship more serious than it needed to be for the time frame. If I had paced it more appropriately, maybe I wouldn't be dealing with this internal strife. I guess a big question I'd pose to you is where is the line between being ready to settle down with one girl and being in oneitis drawn?

PairPlusRoyalFlush, preciate your bluntness as well, but I gotta disagree. A big part of her hesitance is the aftermath of the fallout with her ex. It bothered me, yeah, but I was still spinning other plates so I can't say I gave her "unrequited loyalty."

Darth_Qurashi, lol.

Brighty, yeah bro I understand her reasons but I don't think exclusivity should be expected for couples who aren't in official relationships. That's why my feelings of guilt are bothering me- they're contradictory. Is it an AFC holdover or is that how I really feel about relationships? Idk.

Bokanovsky, the funny thing is I'm not the overly emotional type. This is the first girl I've felt feelings of significance for in a long time so that's playing a major role here as well.

Young Rocketship,

What I meant by my second paragraph was that any attempt to rationalize a social situation stems from the fact that you're trying to implicitly control how something looks versus what it actually is, which is inherently insecure. I don't know why I didn't just say that before, it didn't come to me at the time of my post.

People pleasing is basically the sort of rescuer-complex type insecurity where you're more worried about doing something that benefit's someone else more than it benefits you. This leads to low-self esteem and a disassociated sense of self. I'm not saying that these apply to you, just that people pleasing is a type of identity that develops from acting out way too much on your feelings in response to things rather than using your mind and intuition to make sane decisions about scenarios.